SM Advice.

[Aivey]

My dom and I have an incredibly relaxed relationship- we do not play often and I don't have many rules. We also tease and joke around at each other a lot (in a way some would see disrespectful) but we give as good as we get. Someone told me that out relationship was not real because of this and it is starting to put doubts into my mind about it. I love my dom a lot but now im confused! Someone help!

I do realise it's not my job to speak here, but I really wanted to add that this is exactly what my relationship with my Dom is like, and that is what I love most about my relationship.

My Dom is a best friend, a confidant, a mentor, and my Master, and that is what makes him perfectly wonderful. There is no reason why you should believe what other people have told you, as they themselves have no "rules" or "regulations" to base bdsm off of. Putting a definition onto bdsm would be like forcing everyone who's religious into one category. Not only is it extremely close-minded to state whether a relationship is right or wrong, it also defeats the whole point of even engaging in any relationship at all for relationships are all about personal balance. Just like how there's no two couples out there with the same dynamic, there's no reason why it shouldnt apply to a bdsm relationship, so just like 'vanilla' relationships, no two dom/sub couples will have the same dynamic within it.

If you really do feel as if you'd like to be pushed harder, you, as a sub, should bring it up with your Dom, and you both could find a new balance. However, think about whether or not you really want to be pushed harder before asking of it. Don't base your own decisions purely off of a close minded comment on how your relationship isn't "real".

[Star Shadows]

Originally Posted by Aivey

I do realise it's not my job to speak here, but I really wanted to add that this is exactly what my relationship with my Dom is like, and that is what I love most about my relationship.

My Dom is a best friend, a confidant, a mentor, and my Master, and that is what makes him perfectly wonderful. There is no reason why you should believe what other people ....

While you arent officially a contributor on This thread It's always nice to see your imput around the site. You are ever so level headed and wise beyond your years. Feel free to do guest contributions whenever you want.
Thanks

and as an advancement on my own post it is important to understand that a relationship will always be real when the people involved are true to their ideals and beliefs as to where the relationship should go from a joint perspective- it is only fake when you begin to conform to ideas that are not your own because someone has told you that they are better, be true to yourself and the rest will follow!

[honeyness]

Sorry for my late replies recently - I have been pretty busy

My dom and I have an incredibly relaxed relationship- we do not play often and I don't have many rules. We also tease and joke around at each other a lot (in a way some would see disrespectful) but we give as good as we get. Someone told me that out relationship was not real because of this and it is starting to put doubts into my mind about it. I love my dom a lot but now im confused! Someone help!

The only people who can assess whether your relationship is “real” is yourself and your Dom. How does one define a real relationship anyway? As it’s already been highlighted by those who posted before me a relationship, by any definition of the word can mean so many different things, and can only be defined by those taking part it in. Just as there are varying degrees of romantic relationships, there is great variety in s/M relationships too. Many people are very quick to define what a submissive and Dominant are, and what a relationship between them should and should not entail. All it really means is that one person has a slightly more dominating personality over the other. It doesn’t matter whether this is a dynamic that is enforced every day, or once a year, if the 2 people involved are happy with the arrangement than there is no reason it cannot be classed as a “real” relationship. The relationships where both Dom and sub can “tease and joke around at each other a lot” are almost always the healthiest of relationships as having the vanilla friendship and relationship is often just as important as the s/M relationship.

If you really have doubts in your mind than chat about it with your Dom. It seems you have a good relationship that allows for ease of communication so utilise this. Talk to him about the doubts that are playing in your mind and how you want some reassurance to rid yourself of them. A simple conversation should clear up any questions in your mind and keep your relationship strong. If it helps you to reassess your situation and put a label on it then do it, but the labelling really isn’t needed, a relationship is always still a relationship until the 2 parties involved decide it isn’t.

Enjoy what you have and don’t let anyone take that away from you. Only you can define your relationship as you are the one living it, nobody else!

Advice by honeyness

[honeyness]

I would like to be a competent dom one day, and currently I have a gf who also acts as my sub, but she cheated on me multiple times a while ago, and since then I don't trust her. The problem is... while I could look for a new sub, she is my first and I’m not very experienced so I don’t know where to look, if I should look or if I should try and patch things up with her.

Any relationship without trust is a very rocky road and if you feel you cannot trust your girlfriend then it may be the time to come to the end of the road. It certainly isn’t the time to be embarking on a more serious s/M relationship with her. The fact you aren’t very experienced shouldn’t come into the decision as it is a completely separate issue, what should be the deciding factor in your relationship with your girlfriend is whether you can 100% trust her again. If you do feel you can trust her then, like previous advice, take things slowly and carefully before becoming her dominant.

If you wish to look for another submissive then again do this slowly and with careful planning. Whether it be online or offline you wish you have a good read around and familiarise yourself with how to get into the scene. This website, as well as other such as fetlife offer advice on this, as well as gives the opportunity to get into the scene. If you are looking to gain an online relationship then set about writing an ad. The more time you spend constructing a good ad, the better the outcome will be, with a lot more serious replies. State in the ad that you are a beginner and looking to learn the ropes, this means that any submissive replying will know you are just starting out, thus will appreciate any bambi moments you may have! You are likely to get a lot of time wasters, it is the internet, and it will take a good amount of time to find the perfect sub but with PATIENCE there is no reason why you can’t find a submissive to slowly get started with. If you are looking for an offline relationship, this can appear more daunting but it needn’t be. Look up your local fetish clubs and find out when they have munches – an informal meeting in a vanilla setting. This will be a relaxed setting to talk to and get to know people, where no one will be dressed in leather or bearing whips! I’m sure any members will be more than happy to guide you into becoming a good dominant, in the same way that talking to experienced people online will.
Just take your time and get to know what you want, and who you want it with. Once you know this is your mind then slowly start looking into finding a partner, whether this is online or offline. Take your time and be honest with all those you meet and you will find that your inexperience is no longer a barrier.

A subsequent question. I guess it makes sense. I can read all the stuff I want and talk to people, but just like a normal relationship it doesn’t fully prepare you. So may as well jump in headfirst at some point.

When taking on a submissive, whether online or face to face whenever you are “playing” and even when you aren’t, you become responsible for the submissive. This includes their safety, their feelings and their mindset. Submissives have this title as they are just that, submissive. Many will submit unquestioningly to the Dominant and put all their trust in you. If you therefore jump in head first to this, you not only put yourself at risk of drowning, but also taking the submissive with you. You have the potential power to, if things went really badly, to damage a submissive both mentally and physically, as well as put their safety in danger. If you jump in head first you don’t have the experience to back pedal and pull both of you out if you end up in a messy situation. Not to mention the damage you could cause to your own mental state. By all means start looking for a submissive to have a relationship with, but take it slow and talk to them. Be totally honest from the beginning – even from your advert – that you are a beginner to this and looking to learn the ropes. If you make this clear from the start it will help you and allow yourself time. Get to know the submissive, and whilst doing this get to know yourself and your own dominant side. Build up the relationship before you attempt any tasks, and when you do start small. By taking things slowly and building it up over time you are not only less likely to do something wrong, but also have far less of a distance to fall if things go wrong. If you make a mistake in a relationship that already has good foundations then you can right the wrongs with ease. So go for it if you decide this is what you want, but go for it with the brakes half on, giving you the control over the situation any beginner needs.

Advice by Honeyness

[Star Shadows]

I am new to the lifestyle and am looking to learn what I can. I have done some self bondage and enjoyed that and that has led me to explore more of the lifestyle. I have a few cloths for some cross dressing, and now I am looking to put a script together to run on either CyberMistress or VM. I have an idea about having it assign me tasks to help me keep my apartment clean and a little busier during the week rather than just letting it pile on and even out of hand by the weekend. I was curious if you have an ideas for me to add to this? What kind of tasks or rituals do you give your sub or what do you do as a sub? What is your idea on having a curfew/bedtime/wakeup time and how would one choose these times? All ideas would be greatly appreciated.


Although this is not the most appropriate place to ask for advice on this topic: this one is far more aimed at at other issues; there are a number of possible things you could try- (especially since advice on this from me would be bad as I am bad at coming up with ideas for what are essentially task based things).

I would first reccomend that you make a post requesting ideas in either *The TORDonline section* or *the request punishment and ideas section*as other members may be able to give you ideas there that will help with what you're looking for.

However I think reading up on what other submissives are doing would also be an advisable course of action, to see what they are doing and which of these you like and which you do not. This way you can also see what kind of thing you like etc. But i genuinely think some of the more dominant members in the linked sections will be better able to help you as I am not very capable when it comes to this sort of things- and not as comfortable with giving advice on something I have such limited subject knowledge on.


Im sorry I was unable to be any real help

Advice provided by star shadows, hopefully some more helpful advice will come after.

[honeyness]

I am new to the lifestyle and am looking to learn what I can. I have done some self bondage and enjoyed that and that has led me to explore more of the lifestyle. I have a few cloths for some cross dressing, and now I am looking to put a script together to run on either CyberMistress or VM. I have an idea about having it assign me tasks to help me keep my apartment clean and a little busier during the week rather than just letting it pile on and even out of hand by the weekend. I was curious if you have an ideas for me to add to this? What kind of tasks or rituals do you give your sub or what do you do as a sub? What is your idea on having a curfew/bedtime/wakeup time and how would one choose these times? All ideas would be greatly appreciated.


I’m not gonna play Domme for you and set you tasks to do for your day, that is for you to find on your own. If you are playing on your own then have a read around this site, there are many dares and punishments that have been used on subs for tasks before. There are also several accounts on threads (that you can look for yourself) of day timetables that dominants lay out for their subs. These can help you get ideas and you can tailor them to what suits you. In terms of deciding times and curfews, dice, or an online number generator can help make this very simple. As Star has already highlighted there are areas on this site to request the tasks you talked about.

[LadyCeleste]

I am new to the lifestyle and am looking to learn what I can. I have done some self bondage and enjoyed that and that has led me to explore more of the lifestyle. I have a few cloths for some cross dressing, and now I am looking to put a script together to run on either CyberMistress or VM. I have an idea about having it assign me tasks to help me keep my apartment clean and a little busier during the week rather than just letting it pile on and even out of hand by the weekend. I was curious if you have an ideas for me to add to this? What kind of tasks or rituals do you give your sub or what do you do as a sub? What is your idea on having a curfew/bedtime/wakeup time and how would one choose these times? All ideas would be greatly appreciated.

While this form is really not supposed to be used for this, I suppose I can give you an answer.

I suppose the first question I should be asking is why are you using virtual software to control your life when there is a plethora of doms and dommes on this site who are into the whole total control aspect. I would say you need to step away from the computer and interact with real people because all you're doing is programming a computer to tell you what to do, when a person can be much more creative.

As for the things I do with my submissive, I'm a psychological domme, I play with the mind, I get into the mind and remain a permanent fixture there so tasks are not something I deal out. Most of the newer doms and dommes are more likely to do this sort of thing rather than actual psychological play because they don't understand the aspects of it.

I am not going to play domme to you and tell you everything you should do because you are not mine and I lay no claim to you. I only have claim to one submissive and I will continue to do so until he or I decide it's no longer the right thing for us. You need to do some research and explore before just jumping straight into it with a program like that. Talk to some people on the site and become more sociable. You're bound to find someone with the similar tastes that you do and the two of you can explore it.

[Star Shadows]

I'm looking to head into a long term (online) relationship with a Dom. I've had a few bad experiences in the past and have issues rushing into relationships without thinking.

What sort of questions should I ask the Dom? I know to ask about likes/limits/etc. But I want to get to know him before I make my decision. How do I know I can trust him?

First of all my heart really does go out to you in regards to your bad experiences- and to all others who have experienced them- they can do some real damage and suck regardless of how bad it gets . There are a few things you can ask your a potential Dom before getting involved with them outside the simple limits etc.

One i often find important is if dominant looking for a slave or a submissive? Although the two terms are sometimes interchanged, they have very different meanings. A slave is submissive, but a submissive is not necessarily a slave. There are some key differences- explain them if you have to but people interchange these two very often and it often makes a difference- A submissive gives up control, but has more of a say in when she[/he] does. She[/he] has more of a voice in the relationship. When the dominant tells her to do something and she[/he] isn't comfortable, she[/he] has the choice to opt out. A slave has no control. A slave is owned property who obeys...period. She[/he] may respectfully discuss and share her feelings with her Master, but he makes the final decision, and she[/he] must abide by it. If she[/he] doesn't , then she[/he] is dealt with harshly.* Leading on from this it is also wise to ask exactly HOW MUCH of your life he wants to control. If he wants so much more than you are prepared to give- such that a compromise is not possible there is little point taking conversations any further than that.

Other questions could be how long they have been involved in the lifestyle, to what level their experience extends, and what got them interested in the relationships. Find out if they have any education in the lifestyle (from light reading to heavy reading and training in dominance)** ANOTHER IMPORTANT ONE (IMO) ask if they have had any other submissives that you could try to contact to see what type of person they are from a third party source. If you get a beaming reference then yay, if they are all dead... maybe keep away from them- don’t worry if they cant provide any or for any reason will not provide them- this may not be for any reason that is untoward it may simply be a matter of confidentiality or self insecurities and there are far more other methods and questions you can use.

Its also wise to find out what their philosophies are in regards to dominance you can tend to find a lot out about a Dom from what they believe are the roles and responsibilities of a Dom, the place of a sub/slave and other general philosophies regarding the lifestyle. What someone believes is a good indicator to the personality and how much you really want to be with this person. You should also endeavor to find out how they train and punish- if you learn best from psychological and they are only comfortable with physical you may come to problems down the line and you need to be aware of this- so you can cross bridges as they come or begin your search over- also along with asking about limits find what kind of tasks they like doing most.[ online, offline, physical, psychological, etc]

You could/ should also ask why they became interested in you, what drew them to you, and why they chose you over countless others on the site. By no means is that they chose you a bad thing but motivation is important if they see something in you that they like and want to help bring out then cool if its because they blanket asked everyone on the site then maybe you should give them a wide birth.

one last thing you could ask for is a photograph of them with a method of validating that it is them. People seem to think this possibility is something only doms can ask a submissive to do but this isn’t true. A submissive has just as much right to ask for proof of person as a Dominant- if not more considering that a submissive is essentially laying their lives in the hands of the dominant. It is important to trust the person you are submitting to.

*http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...ds.html?cat=41
**http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/subbie2.html
Advice provided by Star Shadows with the assistance of the linked websites- further responses will follow shortly.

[honeyness]

Again apologies for late reply. I always endevour to reply as soon as I can, just many life things get in the way!

Star Shadows has provided some excellent advice that I advise you to read carefully. I’m going to take care not to repeat all that Star has said, although I totally agree with her advice. I instead am going to attempt to add to it.

The first advice I would give anyone heading into a relationship with a Dom, and something I wish to emphasise since you have gotten into bad relationships previously is to take your time and go at your own pace. To build trust in any relationship takes time, and having been through some bad experiences in the past it’s important you take it at your own pace and don’t embark on anything until you are certain you can trust the potential Dom. Despite the fact you will ultimately be taking a submissive role in the relationship you should has as much, if not more say in setting the boundaries in the relationship with your Dom, and deciding whether they are trustworthy.

In terms of questions to ask them, this depends a lot on what you want to gain from the relationship. Make a list of everything you want, desire and need in a D/s relationship from likes and limits right down to the times you will be free, and most importantly the aspects that will give you security and allow you to trust a Dom. Once you get what you want in your head, use what you want to ask targeted questions to a potential Dom. Reading that back it sounds a bit confusing so for example:

* One of your likes is orgasm denial, you could ask your potential Dom if they are interested in orgasm denial?


* If providing an image with your name on it would help to identify the person for you, you could ask if they would prepared to do this?

* If you require commitment, you could ask about previous relationships, and how long they lasted/how well the worked?

They are just a few examples off the top of my head, you can make the list your own. If you are certain of what you want from a relationship, it will make it a lot easier to target questions to potential Doms to ensure they meet your needs. Also definitely linger on the topics Star raised in her post, she made some very valid points that should be useful for you. Trust can only be built over time, and if you have any doubts that you cannot trust a person you should turn your back on them and not enter into a BDSM relationship with them.

Good luck for your search and if you ever need anyone to help we are always here!

Honey

[Star Shadows]

Is it safe to put ice cubes up my subs arse?

This may again have been asked in the wrong place however i will try to answer it . While I am not a medical professional: from personal experience and the vast number of threads and posts on the site I have always came to assume that it was safe if done with caution.
Just remember :
++Do not try to force them to hold more than they can tolerate to prevent ripping of the flesh as the flesh of the anus is quite delicate.
++ rinse the cubes before inserting them to get rid of the frost on the surface. frostbitten anus' are bad.
++ hold them in your hand 10-20 seconds to try and melt the sharper edges.
++ Varying shapes and sizes enter with a varying level of ease do not assume that all will enter with the same ease or discomfort- keep trying till you find what is right for them.
++ ice cubes have a numbing effect so may leave you sorer than you anticipated.
++ (and apparently) Be careful about the pressure... as they melt the water on their surface can create a seal
As long as you are sensible with it then there should not be any problem at all


advice provided by star shadows

[LadyCeleste]

Is it safe to put ice cubes up my subs arse

While this form is not intended for this use, I can give you some advice, though it will be brief.

First of all, it is ALWAYS advised to be safe and to have someone there to supervise and to keep you safe. This is not something you want to do by yourself is unadvised.

As Star said, you need to be safe. You have to take the proper precautions.

[nellybell]

A continued and extended version of the above question will be found shortly on my thread in the stickies in the TorD online section. Perhapse pass these sort of questions along to me in pms or post on my thread next time?

[Star Shadows]

Originally Posted by nellybell

A continued and extended version of the above question will be found shortly on my thread in the stickies in the TorD online section. Perhapse pass these sort of questions along to me in pms or post on my thread next time?

Sure thing Nelly, I was going to it just slipped my mind.

[nellybell]

Originally Posted by Star Shadows

Sure thing Nelly, I was going to it just slipped my mind.

Not a problem, muh'dear.

[LadyCeleste]

so im 18 and im really interested in bondage and S&M, but Im really awkward when it comes to just normal relationships, and when it comes to being sexual, so its even harder to talk about these types of things with my new boyfriend. And he acts sort of dominant but i also feel weird cause he's a year younger than me. I kind of feel like hes into this sort of stuff too, but i dont know how to bring it up, or hint to him that im into it. idk if im just assuming things, but he acts dominant kind of. for example, hes very strong, and the way he holds me and picks me up makes me feel like im his for good, and just the way he talks to me. like he doesnt like me sitting anywhere unless its on his lap, and his hold is just so strong. and he doesnt really ask me to do things, he just tells me. and i remember him saying that he knows he can handle me well. i know im talking a lot but im just so inexperienced and confused! please help haha.

Well first of all, you say he's younger than you. Much of S/M is quite sexual in nature and being that you're 18, and from the sounds of it, he is not. I would first of all advise you to not do anything sexual until he is of consenting age. Granted, in some states it is 17 or in others 16. In other countries it is different as well, but I am basing this out of the United States at the moment with the US laws. However, I would not delve into anything sexual until he is of legal age.

Secondly, when bringing it up, do it casually or just look at him straight and say, "I'm curious about BDSM. I've never tried it before, but I want to explore it with you."

Thirdly, from the way you describe him, the "constant holding" or the "telling you what to do" and the "you cannot sit anywhere but on my lap" sounds to me as though he is a control freak and that is not a good quality for anyone. I am a dominant female, but, I am not a control freak. The thing with BDSM is that it must be a choice, you shouldn't be commanded 24/7 right off the bat. Healthy relationships never start out that way. Being that he is like this to you NOW, it won't get any better once he realizes you are submissive and are willing to submit. He will do anything and everything he can to force you to be enslaved to him and that is just a bad situation. He would be what is known here on the site as a dumbinant (courteousy of Anjelen). Do yourself a favour and don't get involved in BDSM with him as, from what I see, it will only get worse as time progresses.