[Fiction] Her brothers slut

[Snowlepard761]

I have decided to write a second story )) it will be hard to keep up with both but bear with me.

Hi my name is Lauren and this is the story of how i became my brothers slut, I am 23 now but this all happened when I was 13. Here's how it all went down, enjoy <3

WAKE UP LAUREN YOUR GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL AGIAN!, my brother Jack yelled upstairs. COMING, I yelled back. I raced down the stairs scatters down breakfast and ran out the door . I had a long day at school but finally I got home, it was a stormy night, our parents had gone out with our aunt and uncle and the power was out me my brother and my cousins were at home. I'm sooo bored. I said. Me two my cousin Cali replied. What do you want to do? How about we.. , PLay truth or dare my cousin Davey interrupted, me and Jack are as bored as you all are. Fine Cali and I said at the same time. I'll go first Jack said a's he walked in the room. Lauren truth or dare? Umm.. Dare I said, wait before we start I want to make a rule if you chicken out of a dare or won't awnser a truth the person who gave the dare gets to make a punishment. Ok, whatever I said. Now then Lauren I dare you to call your boyfriend and say I'm a dirty slut >:}. WHAT I yelled . Do it or there will be consequences. o..ok I said. I picked up my phone and dialed his number. He awnsered. I..I.. I'm a dirty slut I said quickly. I hung up and the boys laughed histericly we played a few more rounds and the Jack said, I want you both to get a dare, the same dare. Ok Cali and I awnsered. I dare you both to give us blowjobs... Jack let it sink in, WHAT we both said in shock. You heard me. NEVER I said, NUH UN Cali said. Ok I will tell you your punishments.
I have pictures of you doing something naughty, HOW DID YOU GET THOSE I said already knowing what the pictures were of. Oh no, Cali said, oh yes the boys replied. They had pictures of us watching porn. I betour parents would love to see these pictures . What do you want I said. You and Cali will be our slaves, when no one is around you will call us master, got it, yes master we both replied. Now because we own you, you must do whatever we say. I looked at Cali their only 15 what harm could this cause. Well bj's I still want 1, me to Davey chimed in. Ew no, pictures slave. Yes sir. That was the most discusting moment of my life.

Hope you enjoyed.

[Komodo Jones]

Wow I don't even know where to begin on critquing this. For me this story was very difficult to read. It makes me wonder is this your first time writing a story? I'm going to be going over a lot of stuff in this critique. This is not to bring you down and crush your self-esteem but I will be offering constructive criticism trying to make your story better and at least readable. The first thing I'm going to comment on is why are there no quotation marks in this story? Quotation marks shows when a person speaks and this story is in definite need of some as half of the time I didn't know who was speaking. Also remember when you add quotation marks, every time a different person speaks there needs to be a new paragraph.
Also be sure to check word usage and spelling. Spell check at least, even though it's not the most reliable thing in the world. In the first so called quotation the second set of vowels in the word again need to be switched around. Some other misspelled words I noticed were hysterically and answered. Word usage, in the story you wrote someting along the lines of Me two my cousin Cali said or something. The two you're using in this sentence is used to denote a number. The correct form of the word to in this sentence should be too which means also.
Be sure to check for run-on sentences and fragments. In the paragraph that starts with the words wake up Lauren, the third sentence is a run-on sentence. You have two independent clauses and those two need to be seperated with a period.
As content goes I can say two things. Details are a writer's best friend at times. There is no description of what any of the characters look like, what their personalities are, what they're into etc.
Also you are going way too fast. Slow down when you're writing a story and try to create a little tone of how the piece is supposed to be. In the first chapter you rush through the truth and dare story way too fast and automatically you have two sex slaves with blackmail. There's no real depth to these events or characters and I just really feel like I can't get into this story.
If you're going to continue to write this story you seriously need to proofread your work before you submit anything. Slow down, writing this story and don't be afraid to pepper a lot of details into the story. Try to give your readers a picture of what's going on and a feeling on how they can connect with the characters.

[Silvercola]

I like it... Keep going just plz change the age to atleast 16 ... Come on 13 ewe

[Snowlepard761]

I no what quotation marks are but because I'm writing this on my I pod quotation marks make things difficult, my computer is broken and my I pod is last resort so anyway, I will change the ages tho

[potter1harry]

Originally Posted by Silvercola

I like it... Keep going just plz change the age to atleast 16 ... Come on 13 ewe

just saying its not your story

Originally Posted by Snowlepard761

I no what quotation marks are but because I'm writing this on my I pod quotation marks make things difficult, my computer is broken and my I pod is last resort so anyway, I will change the ages tho

i like the story and do not think you need to chance the ages