I am conflicted

JNoller · 12-30-2017, 10:00 AM

So, I am torn. I have been on and off Gd for a long time. I plan to stay now. I was given the opportunity to explore my bondage side of me by my girlfriend. She isn't into bondage but knows that I love it. She said that I could find someone to play with on Gd.

I started to play with another user on Gd, but I feel like this isn't right. I don't know, Do you think that a guy can play with other person (for me, a girl) even if their gf says it's okay. I just don't know what to do about it. Any advice is appreciated.

James

Runesmith · 12-30-2017, 10:36 AM

The short answer is - yes. My advice - don't.

The long answer is - it's complicated. Yes, she said she's fine with it. She may be fine with it now. The question is - would she be fine with it as time goes on?
Women are possessive - whether Domme, sub or vanilla. Even if she's bi, she probably wouldn't like you getting close to another girl. For women, a relationship is 80% emotional, only 20% sexual. So, unless she is really OK with it, you are risking your relationship. So, if your girlfriend is not very experienced in this lifestyle, and has not had a polygamous relationship before - my advice would be not to go down this path.

JNoller · 12-30-2017, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Runesmith

The short answer is - yes. My advice - don't.

The long answer is - it's complicated. Yes, she said she's fine with it. She may be fine with it now. The question is - would she be fine with it as time goes on?
Women are possessive - whether Domme, sub or vanilla. Even if she's bi, she probably wouldn't like you getting close to another girl. For women, a relationship is 80% emotional, only 20% sexual. So, unless she is really OK with it, you are risking your relationship. So, if your girlfriend is not very experienced in this lifestyle, and has not had a polygamous relationship before - my advice would be not to go down this path.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it

sciencegal · 12-30-2017, 02:37 PM

I personally don't see a problem with it as long as all people involved are fine with the arrangement. I do agree with Runesmith, that if your girlfriend does not have much experience with polygamous relationships, that you will need to be careful. But honestly, as long as you communicate regularly with your girlfriend about it, listen to any concerns she may have (and vice versa), there shouldn't be a problem.

I have found from past experiences, the only way that a polygamous relationship works is through communication. Regardless of the genders involved, you need to have a serious discussion with your girlfriend. See if she wants to be informed of what you are doing, if she wants to information about it, if she wants you to check in with her regarding if you develop feelings for your play partner, etc. I would recommend you set up a list of "ground rules" about what your girlfriend is and isn't comfortable doing/hearing about. Update the list as feelings/opinions change for either of you. This way your gD relationship isn't something "sordid" or "shady". It's out in the open for all parties involved with an open communication channel.

Obviously this is my own opinion based on my views on relationships, and it may not work for your actual situation. Bottom line, talk to your girlfriend. Tell her that you're concerned about having a play partner as well. At the very least, you'll have aired any concerns with her which should hopefully ease any uncertainty you're feeling. Hope this helps!

Butterfly · 12-30-2017, 06:44 PM

I am hoping that my advice can help you, as I currently living a similar situation ...

Asslvr and I are both kinky. We met on getDare and started a D/s relationship that turned into a romantic relationship and one year in, I moved across the country to live with him.

After we lived together, it was hard for us to do D/s stuff but I still craved it. I still do! We are working on it now, but a few months ago, we decided that I could play with other people. And then we decided that he was going to look for a sub as well.

I won't lie, I have had a few jealous moments. He is MINE! I don't like to share him with others, but I am ok with it. I want him to be happy. He knows that there are times where I might get jealous, and he gets jealous with me sometimes as well. However, our saving grace is that we can be open about it. We talk about the things that make us a bit jealous or possessive, we talk about what our limits and boundaries are, we acknowledge the fact that those boundaries and limits are allowed to change at anytime and we make sure to reassure each other and nurture our own relationship as well. If we did not do these things, or communicate this well, I don't think there would be any chance of it working.

I will also say that the part that makes me jealous the most, is when I want him to be mine: usually after work when we are ready to cuddle in be, and he is busy talking with somebody else. So I do suggest making sure that you take the time for her; put her first, make her feel special and not ignored or forgotten.

So, to make a long story short, yes, I think that it can work, but only if you think your girlfriend is going to be able to communicate and be open and honest with you.

JNoller · 12-31-2017, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterfly

I am hoping that my advice can help you, as I currently living a similar situation ...

Asslvr and I are both kinky. We met on getDare and started a D/s relationship that turned into a romantic relationship and one year in, I moved across the country to live with him.

After we lived together, it was hard for us to do D/s stuff but I still craved it. I still do! We are working on it now, but a few months ago, we decided that I could play with other people. And then we decided that he was going to look for a sub as well.

I won't lie, I have had a few jealous moments. He is MINE! I don't like to share him with others, but I am ok with it. I want him to be happy. He knows that there are times where I might get jealous, and he gets jealous with me sometimes as well. However, our saving grace is that we can be open about it. We talk about the things that make us a bit jealous or possessive, we talk about what our limits and boundaries are, we acknowledge the fact that those boundaries and limits are allowed to change at anytime and we make sure to reassure each other and nurture our own relationship as well. If we did not do these things, or communicate this well, I don't think there would be any chance of it working.

I will also say that the part that makes me jealous the most, is when I want him to be mine: usually after work when we are ready to cuddle in be, and he is busy talking with somebody else. So I do suggest making sure that you take the time for her; put her first, make her feel special and not ignored or forgotten.

So, to make a long story short, yes, I think that it can work, but only if you think your girlfriend is going to be able to communicate and be open and honest with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sciencegal

I personally don't see a problem with it as long as all people involved are fine with the arrangement. I do agree with Runesmith, that if your girlfriend does not have much experience with polygamous relationships, that you will need to be careful. But honestly, as long as you communicate regularly with your girlfriend about it, listen to any concerns she may have (and vice versa), there shouldn't be a problem.

I have found from past experiences, the only way that a polygamous relationship works is through communication. Regardless of the genders involved, you need to have a serious discussion with your girlfriend. See if she wants to be informed of what you are doing, if she wants to information about it, if she wants you to check in with her regarding if you develop feelings for your play partner, etc. I would recommend you set up a list of "ground rules" about what your girlfriend is and isn't comfortable doing/hearing about. Update the list as feelings/opinions change for either of you. This way your gD relationship isn't something "sordid" or "shady". It's out in the open for all parties involved with an open communication channel.

Obviously this is my own opinion based on my views on relationships, and it may not work for your actual situation. Bottom line, talk to your girlfriend. Tell her that you're concerned about having a play partner as well. At the very least, you'll have aired any concerns with her which should hopefully ease any uncertainty you're feeling. Hope this helps!

Thank you both for your advice. Before all this, I had a rule that made sure that my girlfriend came first. But what I ended up doing was cutting my normal time with her short. I just don't know if I can balance that. I feel myself using more and more time that used to belong to my girlfriend, and putting it into someone else. WE are very open about everything we do, but I don't want her to feel like I am choosing someone over her. Even if she has said she is fine with. But it might be worth a shot trying...I just have to wrestle with that decision first. Once again, thank you for your advice.

Shrewly · 01-01-2018, 07:24 PM

I would stop with getDare if I were you and you are taking that relationship seriously. I'm not sure if you would want to risk your relationship on this. But ofcourse the choice is yours.

kurious kat · 01-04-2018, 09:26 AM

I do feel a guy can play with another person without decreasing his dedication to his girlfriend... but that outcome depends on all three people's self-awareness and self-control.

We are all quick to look out for the existing relationship, because we know that is real, and that you recognize it as being worth preserving. The fact is, once you move into an ongoing outlet for one of your needs, you are essentially entering into a relationship with a new person as well. It doesn't have to be the same relationship you have with your girlfriend, but it's a real one. Once they feel you have an agreement with them, their hopes and feelings are involved too.

That means all three people must all agree to not-want-you-to-be-stolen-away-from-your-existing-girlfriend, and all three of you must be willing to put at least SOME time aside to allow for fulfillment of another person's needs (your need for bondage, your bondage partner's need for reliability and entertainment, your girlfriend's need to enjoy you regularly -- at the very least).

I've never had a relationship where my partner didn't have outside hobbies I wasn't involved in (photography club, whiskey drinking, video game heaven, whatever), so there's no reason you can't find a way to enjoy some time doing something that you find fulfilling, with people whose company you enjoy, in that sense. However, feelings involved in kink can be intense, so there's a higher risk of them clouding your judgement or overlapping with your girlfriend than there would be with most hobbies. If you have a single partner for bondage, that also makes it more of a one-on-one thing than many casual activities. You have to be prepared for either partner to feel jealousy and need extra care when life gets intense for them. (Just because a partner is online-only, or bondage-only, doesn't mean they doesn't merit basic decency from you -- which means attention and respect for their needs as well as yours and your gf's).

Most importantly, you have to know what your boundaries are on either side, and be very clear about them, as well as being open and honest - with yourself, and with them - about making adjustments back toward those boundaries when needed.

If you don't think you can keep your time for bondage contained to a reasonable level, that's a completely fair decision to make. It's definitely the simpler route, and if the kink is merely a pleasure but not a NEED, it's by far the smoother one to take. If, on the other hand, you feel like not fulfilling this kink is threatening your relationship, AND that you could be faithful to your gf in the ways that she needs outside of it, I do believe it's possible, with the right people and approach, to make it succeed if all of you want it to.

12-30-2017, 10:00 AM	#1
JNoller getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Dec 2017 Posts: 260 Blog Entries: 3	I am conflicted So, I am torn. I have been on and off Gd for a long time. I plan to stay now. I was given the opportunity to explore my bondage side of me by my girlfriend. She isn't into bondage but knows that I love it. She said that I could find someone to play with on Gd. I started to play with another user on Gd, but I feel like this isn't right. I don't know, Do you think that a guy can play with other person (for me, a girl) even if their gf says it's okay. I just don't know what to do about it. Any advice is appreciated. James

12-30-2017, 10:36 AM	#2
Runesmith Stranger with candy Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Stuttgart, Germany Posts: 989 Blog Entries: 20	The short answer is - yes. My advice - don't. The long answer is - it's complicated. Yes, she said she's fine with it. She may be fine with it now. The question is - would she be fine with it as time goes on? Women are possessive - whether Domme, sub or vanilla. Even if she's bi, she probably wouldn't like you getting close to another girl. For women, a relationship is 80% emotional, only 20% sexual. So, unless she is really OK with it, you are risking your relationship. So, if your girlfriend is not very experienced in this lifestyle, and has not had a polygamous relationship before - my advice would be not to go down this path. __________________ Male, Straight, Dominant Likes: Anal (giving), rough play, CNC, bondage, humiliation, degradation, objectification, obedience training, online control Limits: scat, underage, playing with males; text speak To play with me, you must be able to prove your gender. Runesmith's Forgiveness thread - you're gonna need this My stories: Non-consensual Roleplay With a Stranger The Cabin in The Woods The Shanghai Girl Palace on The Beach My poems (yeah, poems): The Winter

12-30-2017, 02:37 PM	#4
sciencegal Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2016 Posts: 242 Blog Entries: 19	I personally don't see a problem with it as long as all people involved are fine with the arrangement. I do agree with Runesmith, that if your girlfriend does not have much experience with polygamous relationships, that you will need to be careful. But honestly, as long as you communicate regularly with your girlfriend about it, listen to any concerns she may have (and vice versa), there shouldn't be a problem. I have found from past experiences, the only way that a polygamous relationship works is through communication. Regardless of the genders involved, you need to have a serious discussion with your girlfriend. See if she wants to be informed of what you are doing, if she wants to information about it, if she wants you to check in with her regarding if you develop feelings for your play partner, etc. I would recommend you set up a list of "ground rules" about what your girlfriend is and isn't comfortable doing/hearing about. Update the list as feelings/opinions change for either of you. This way your gD relationship isn't something "sordid" or "shady". It's out in the open for all parties involved with an open communication channel. Obviously this is my own opinion based on my views on relationships, and it may not work for your actual situation. Bottom line, talk to your girlfriend. Tell her that you're concerned about having a play partner as well. At the very least, you'll have aired any concerns with her which should hopefully ease any uncertainty you're feeling. Hope this helps! __________________ 32/Lesbian/Switch Likes/Dislikes/Limits

12-30-2017, 06:44 PM	#5
Butterfly A Butterfly Princess <3 Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Alberta, Canada Posts: 4,653 Blog Entries: 515	I am hoping that my advice can help you, as I currently living a similar situation ... Asslvr and I are both kinky. We met on getDare and started a D/s relationship that turned into a romantic relationship and one year in, I moved across the country to live with him. After we lived together, it was hard for us to do D/s stuff but I still craved it. I still do! We are working on it now, but a few months ago, we decided that I could play with other people. And then we decided that he was going to look for a sub as well. I won't lie, I have had a few jealous moments. He is MINE! I don't like to share him with others, but I am ok with it. I want him to be happy. He knows that there are times where I might get jealous, and he gets jealous with me sometimes as well. However, our saving grace is that we can be open about it. We talk about the things that make us a bit jealous or possessive, we talk about what our limits and boundaries are, we acknowledge the fact that those boundaries and limits are allowed to change at anytime and we make sure to reassure each other and nurture our own relationship as well. If we did not do these things, or communicate this well, I don't think there would be any chance of it working. I will also say that the part that makes me jealous the most, is when I want him to be mine: usually after work when we are ready to cuddle in be, and he is busy talking with somebody else. So I do suggest making sure that you take the time for her; put her first, make her feel special and not ignored or forgotten. So, to make a long story short, yes, I think that it can work, but only if you think your girlfriend is going to be able to communicate and be open and honest with you. __________________ On Hiatus PMs will not be responded to My heart belongs to my Husband: Mr. Devious Being tortured frequently by my Dom SleepySloth Served by my loyal worm Jaro Caring for my little TheBrat Recordings ❤ FAQ ❤ AMA Likes/Limits ❤ Toys Discord: butterfly.cm ❤

01-01-2018, 07:24 PM	#7
Shrewly Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Belgium Posts: 110 Blog Entries: 1	I would stop with getDare if I were you and you are taking that relationship seriously. I'm not sure if you would want to risk your relationship on this. But ofcourse the choice is yours. __________________ m/21/straight Likes: Ruined orgasms, being controlled, overstimulation, JOI's, cockhero, post-orgasm torture. Turn ons: Redheads, Latex, Bondage. Limits: Anal, Extreme Pain, Pictures, Sissyfication, scat/pee, public. BRAND NEW PM DARES

01-04-2018, 09:26 AM	#8
kurious kat getDare's Kinkiest Kitty Join Date: Dec 2012 Location: USA Posts: 700 Blog Entries: 26	I do feel a guy can play with another person without decreasing his dedication to his girlfriend... but that outcome depends on all three people's self-awareness and self-control. We are all quick to look out for the existing relationship, because we know that is real, and that you recognize it as being worth preserving. The fact is, once you move into an ongoing outlet for one of your needs, you are essentially entering into a relationship with a new person as well. It doesn't have to be the same relationship you have with your girlfriend, but it's a real one. Once they feel you have an agreement with them, their hopes and feelings are involved too. That means all three people must all agree to not-want-you-to-be-stolen-away-from-your-existing-girlfriend, and all three of you must be willing to put at least SOME time aside to allow for fulfillment of another person's needs (your need for bondage, your bondage partner's need for reliability and entertainment, your girlfriend's need to enjoy you regularly -- at the very least). I've never had a relationship where my partner didn't have outside hobbies I wasn't involved in (photography club, whiskey drinking, video game heaven, whatever), so there's no reason you can't find a way to enjoy some time doing something that you find fulfilling, with people whose company you enjoy, in that sense. However, feelings involved in kink can be intense, so there's a higher risk of them clouding your judgement or overlapping with your girlfriend than there would be with most hobbies. If you have a single partner for bondage, that also makes it more of a one-on-one thing than many casual activities. You have to be prepared for either partner to feel jealousy and need extra care when life gets intense for them. (Just because a partner is online-only, or bondage-only, doesn't mean they doesn't merit basic decency from you -- which means attention and respect for their needs as well as yours and your gf's). Most importantly, you have to know what your boundaries are on either side, and be very clear about them, as well as being open and honest - with yourself, and with them - about making adjustments back toward those boundaries when needed. If you don't think you can keep your time for bondage contained to a reasonable level, that's a completely fair decision to make. It's definitely the simpler route, and if the kink is merely a pleasure but not a NEED, it's by far the smoother one to take. If, on the other hand, you feel like not fulfilling this kink is threatening your relationship, AND that you could be faithful to your gf in the ways that she needs outside of it, I do believe it's possible, with the right people and approach, to make it succeed if all of you want it to.