SM Advice.

[Star Shadows]

Originally Posted by carom

Yes and so totally no.

Psychological dominants is another form or better another part of dominance. It is the part that is not physical. The control of the mind and thought of someone, without the use of any force. A lack of this aspect is, for me, a good sign of someone being a top and not dominant. With a lot grey areas though.

Thank you for your input on the thread however I did state that I wasn't sure how best to explain it, so that my response would be pretty much basic bog standard level and Lady C who is a psychological domme herself could come in and go into more detail. I also stated that despite my research I am still learning about this myself so hence it wont be perfect to the view of everyone.

Originally Posted by carom

I disagree on the learned skill aspect. While you can learn technics this is sure not a pure learned skill. The use of words and conditioning for example, domiants use it without learning and for some without knowing that they do.

Some people learn to use aspects of it , some will never be able to learn it, some do it by nature. And some do it by nature and learned how to use it more directed. I iis like saying painting is ia learned skill.

You are right to a degree in that it is not a purely learned skill and some people may have a natural grasp for elements of it, but I still feel it is something that does benefit from a large degree of learning due to the power that can be used and the impacts it can have. I have seen far too many submissives that have been on the wrong end of someone attempting to try an untaught hand at psychological domination and have left them mentally scarred. There is a difference between being able to use some of the techniques, and learning to use these skills in a refined and safe way that can be adapted to each and every submissive you have.

Just in the same way that just because someone can paint does not mean that they can paint well, to a level that suits all styles and forms of the craft.

[LadyCeleste]

What is a psychological domme?

I am honestly surprised that this question had not surfaced sooner. In a word, it is complicated. It is more than just telling someone what to do, it is about being able to get inside their head and being able to then draw out the best parts of them and amplify them in such a way that it makes them a better person.

Many times people say that psychological domination is not a learned skill but something innate with a person and quite honestly, that is not true. It can be learned, but some are better at it than others. I say I am a psychological domme because I have a belief system that it is the actual psychology behind it that causes a person to submit, not the actual task itself. It is all about getting into the mind and being able to get the person to do what it is that you merely suggest rather than just telling them "take object a and put it in orifice b."

As a psychological domme myself, I find that it is easiest to get a proper reaction by describing situations where they would want to willingly submit and that brings them into subspace where they can then properly enjoy it. Domination is not something to be feared but something to be enjoyed.

To the person who posted in the thread attempting to correct my counterpart here, you have good ideas, but if you want to contradict one of us, send it to us in a PM instead of showing off what is seemingly an inferiority complex. You are reading a help thread put together from regular users like yourself who have knowledge that they choose to share with others. Physically, you very well may be older than the both of us, but that does not give you the right to trash us or what we have to say because you happen to have a difference of opinion. Next time you want to discuss something, approach one of us and be calm about it, talk to us like adults and treat us with the common courteousy of actually hearing what we have to say before you go spouting off about something that you have limited knowledge about.

[Star Shadows]

Hi! I have been taking dares and answering truths from a person online for about 1 month. We have gotten to know each other quite well. However, this person (let's call her Bob) now wants to be in a master/slave relationship with me. I'm not sure how to respond, as I don't think I'm ready for one yet. Can you help me?

Firstly, strange one you got there if she is called bob but not judging that.

As for your actual question, if you aren't ready then you aren't ready, only so much can be done to force a change in that.

It would simply be a matter of responding truthfully, tell "Bob" just what you told us, that you don't think you're ready for something like that.*This then also leaves the door open for you to try a relationship at a later stage if it's something you both may want.*

Just tell her the truth, and don't let her push you into something that you are not ready for. If she has any promise of being a reasonable Dom then she won't try and push you further on this again until enough time has passed that she thinks you are ready. She may be a little sad for a tiny bit but should understand.

On iPod so sorry for any errors

[LadyCeleste]

Hi! I have been taking dares and answering truths from a person online for about 1 month. We have gotten to know each other quite well. However, this person (let's call her Bob) now wants to be in a master/slave relationship with me. I'm not sure how to respond, as I don't think I'm ready for one yet. Can you help me?

I will have a similar response to Star here in that a woman being called 'Bob' seems a bit off the wall, but nevertheless quite amusing. But, we are not here to judge.

You really need to sit down with 'Bob' and say to her something like, "I understand that you want to be in a d/s relationship with me, but right now, I'm just not ready for something like that. I enjoy what it is that we do already, but instead of you owning me and me serving you, how about we start to incorporate those ideas you have into our TorD play?"

And put it as that you're not ready, that you don't want to move too fast, that you enjoy that the two of you do together and make sure she realises that it isn't because you don't want to, it's because you're not ready which is completely different.

I also give you applause for the fact that you did not jump into a d/s relationship when you weren't ready. The main thing is to do it only when you're ready and not before then. If you do it before you're ready, the enjoyment factor can and may slowly die for you as you get deeper into it.

[Star Shadows]

What is a chat slave?

Admittedly I didn't know this until I asked around for a little bit. But it turns out that a chat slave is basically just a slave or submissive that operates purely through email and text (like MSN or yahoo), rather than over cam or voice. Tasks are still given but rather than giving photographic proof, or having tasks watched over webcam you would give feedback and description of events in the form of a written report or conversation.

[LadyCeleste]

Hi there! Anyway, I am currently in a d/s relationship with me being the "s" or the slave. I have been in the relationship for about 8 months now.

The problem is that I no longer have the time to be in that sort of relationship. I don't know how to tell my master, as I really don't want to be disappointed. The other reason is that my master (can I call him Dude so I don't have to type out master? ) wants to be in a romantic relationship with me.
I'm not looking for anyone, and Dude still doesn't get the point. I've told him through webcam multiple times and he didn't even understand when I was in a relationship with someone else (at the beginning of me being a slave)

Can you help?

That's a tough one. The first thing you need to do is sit down with 'Dude' and put it straight to him that you do not under any circumstance want a romantic relationship right now and that is not something you are interested in. Secondly, you also need to let him know that while it has been fun, your outside obligations are keeping you from being able to commit fully and while it hurts, you are going to have to end things. Then say to him something like that even though you enjoyed the time, you cannot continue at this time and let him know that it isn't anything he did, but it is your life outside of what the two of you have.

[LadyCeleste]

What is a chat slave?

A chat slave, like my associate said, is someone who only responds through text messages, e-mail, and instant messaging. It is generally someone who does not want to go on webcam or who has no digital camera to be able to take photos. Sometimes, people are just more comfortable with being over chat because that way they can release their frustrations that way, rather than having to be seen on camera.

[Star Shadows]

Hi there! Anyway, I am currently in a d/s relationship with me being the "s" or the slave. I have been in the relationship for about 8 months now.

The problem is that I no longer have the time to be in that sort of relationship. I don't know how to tell my master, as I really don't want to be disappointed. The other reason is that my master (can I call him Dude so I don't have to type out master? ) wants to be in a romantic relationship with me.
I'm not looking for anyone, and Dude still doesn't get the point. I've told him through webcam multiple times and he didn't even understand when I was in a relationship with someone else (at the beginning of me being a slave)

Can you help?

Originally Posted by LadyCeleste

That's a tough one. The first thing you need to do is sit down with 'Dude' and put it straight to him that you do not under any circumstance want a romantic relationship right now and that is not something you are interested in. Secondly, you also need to let him know that while it has been fun, your outside obligations are keeping you from being able to commit fully and while it hurts, you are going to have to end things. Then say to him something like that even though you enjoyed the time, you cannot continue at this time and let him know that it isn't anything he did, but it is your life outside of what the two of you have.

I would tend to agree with my associate on this one. You need to be straight forward and honest about both of these issues, but make sure that your requirement to set aside the s/m is not their fault

[LadyCeleste]

My master told me he was going to be busy and frequently offline due to travel for work. I didn't mind, of course, but this was near a month ago. He hasn't been online at all since then and I don't know when he will be back. I'm at a slight loss without him and I feel like he just doesn't want me anymore. What do I do?

I think what you need to do is reach out to him and communicate with him. Send him an e-mail and just tell him how you are feeling. Communication is an important factor in ANY relationship whether it is sexual, romantic, or otherwise. It is necessary to communicate and when you don't communicate, that's when things fall apart.

If he's been busy with work, then he's been busy with work. You have to understand that it may not be his choice and as much as he wants to spend time with you and do the things the two of you used to do, he may be extremely swamped with work. I know there are times where I couldn't see my play partner because both of our schedules just did not mesh whatsoever. And that is the tragedy of being an online play is that when schedules just don't cooperate, then the play often times is put to the side.

You need to reach out to him and tell him how you're feeling and let him know what's been going on. Of course don't accuse him of not wanting you, but let him know you miss him and let him know you're wondering if he is okay or not. It's the smaller things that will let him know that you're devoted and you're waiting for him that will remind him that you are his.

[LadyCeleste]

What do people mean when they are talking about "watersports"?

Watersports is a nice way of saying pee play. It is where one person urinates on the other. It is a degrading play that some people get off on. Watersports is like any other fetish, some like it, some don't. It is about humiliation and degradation when that type of play is introduced into the bedroom.

[Star Shadows]

What do people mean when they are talking about "watersports"?

Urolagnia (coming from the greek ouron, urine, and lagneia, lust) is a sexual arousal that is thought to occur through the sight or thought of urination/urine. Watersports is a nice way describing play of this kind.

Those who enjoy watersports/ urolagnia may part take in activities including, (but not exclusively):
Urinating on oneself or another
Being urinated on (golden shower etc)
Bathing in urine
Drinking of urine
Wetting oneself (clothing, bedding)
Smelling/ licking urine soaked items of clothing
diaper fetishism

It involves a lot of research into safe conduct however some do find it an arousing and enhancing part of their sexual enjoyment and arousal. It largely centres around humiliation and degradation. And like lady Celeste says, some like it some don't its like all fetishes.

(ps- not to be confused with jetskiing and scubadiving)

[Star Shadows]

My master told me he was going to be busy and frequently offline due to travel for work. I didn't mind, of course, but this was near a month ago. He hasn't been online at all since then and I don't know when he will be back. I'm at a slight loss without him and I feel like he just doesn't want me anymore. What do I do?


As Lady C has said, you need to reach out and try to contact him. Explain to him how you are feeling, that you are missing him, try and find out if he knows when he will be back etc (without trying to make him guilty or make accusations). Communication is vital to keeping any relationship going. The chances are of if he is busy with work or travel then he may just not have had a chance to come online. It is unfortunate but may be unavoidable on his part.

Just try and get communications going even if it is just a few emails every once in a while- don't give up hope just yet- he is probably just busy.

Originally Posted by LadyCeleste

I think what you need to do is reach out to him and communicate with him. Send him an e-mail and just tell him how you are feeling. Communication is an important factor in ANY relationship whether it is sexual, romantic, or otherwise. It is necessary to communicate and when you don't communicate, that's when things fall apart.

If he's been busy with work, then he's been busy with work. You have to understand that it may not be his choice and as much as he wants to spend time with you and do the things the two of you used to do, he may be extremely swamped with work. I know there are times where I couldn't see my play partner because both of our schedules just did not mesh whatsoever. And that is the tragedy of being an online play is that when schedules just don't cooperate, then the play often times is put to the side.

You need to reach out to him and tell him how you're feeling and let him know what's been going on. Of course don't accuse him of not wanting you, but let him know you miss him and let him know you're wondering if he is okay or not. It's the smaller things that will let him know that you're devoted and you're waiting for him that will remind him that you are his.

[LadyCeleste]

What's your opinion on sensory play? Do you think it's a good form of domination?

Sensory play is definitely a good domination technique and it plays into psychological domination as well. It not only provides the submissive with the idea of what you are doing, but they can then play around with the senses as well. A good way to increase the sensory experience is to have the submissive blindfolded.

[Star Shadows]

What's your opinion on sensory play? Do you think it's a good form of domination?

Ok, personally i love sensory play, its a really intersting way to enhance play in my opinion and it can be brilliant if used correctly- just as lady C said it turns it into a more psychological experience as well as a physical one. As for it being a good form of domination that is subjective based on the likes of those involved. As long as it is used right though, with someone it is effective for it can be an excellent form of domination.

[Star Shadows]

You recommend blindfolding. What about using music/sound to block out sound, maybe during spankings and whippings etc?

That could work well. In either using headphones and music to distract from external sounds [noise reduction headphones or louder music may be more effective as some headphones do little to block external noise, however be careful with volume levels as too loud could do damage to the delicate workings inside the ear], or using earphones to block sound would help to keep a submissive unaware of when a spank or a whip was about to come. Again if used well it could be incredibly effective in adding a level of suspense to your play sessions not sure though as I haven't experimented with this. Just remember to take headphones/earplugs out before trying to talk to them.