Funny?

[Runesmith]

Open the spoiler and read the text. You only get one chance at this!

Spoiler:

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[cooperjess]

Maybe it's not a funny story, but I used to have an addiction to soap. At my worst, I'd be going through three or four bars a day.

Don't worry though, I'm clean now.

[Runesmith]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'


The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'


The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'


The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

Spoiler:

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

[Zoeys fun time]

lol Runesmith just keeps this going

[Runesmith]

It's a tough job, but someone has to

I get a lot of jokes (mostly inappropriate) emailed to me by people.

[BigBadWolfy]

There was a Priest and a Nun crossing the desert on a camel one day when a terrible sand storm came. It lasted for 6 hours and when it finally cleared they were horrified to see their camel was dead. They had no food or water and the situation looked hopelss. The Priest turned to the Nun and said "Sister, seeing as we are going to die out here, can you grant me one wish?"

The Nun said "Yes Father, what is your final wish?"
"In all my years in the church I’ve never seen a pair of breasts before." said the Priest. The Nun was a bit shocked but lifted her robes to show off her tits in all their glory. The Priest smiled and said "Thankyou Sister."

Then the Nun turned to the Priest and said "Father, in all my years in the church I have never seen a man’s ’thingy’ before. Is it alright for you to show me?" The priest happily agreed and got his junk out. The Nun studied it intensly. The Priest had his eyes closed and was rising to attention as the Nun touched it with fascination. The Priest said with a smile on his face, "Sister, do you know that when it’s placed in certain ’areas’ it can give life?"

And the Nun looked and at him and said "WELL STICK IT UP THIS CAMELS ARSE AND LETS GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!"

[Runesmith]

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how to determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

Question: what would a normal person use?
a) the teaspoon
b) the tea cup
c) the bucket

Choose your answer and open the spoiler:

Spoiler:

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.......... Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Runesmith]

Here's a tip for you:

When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again.

This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back.

[Runesmith]

God's Facebook News Feed

God is just sittin' around bein omnipotent..msn?

God remembered no ones here. Nevermind.

God is boooooooooored lol.

You created a new group:
Light (Common Interest-Religion & Spirituality)

You created a new group:
Earth (Georgraphy-Places)

You created a new group:
Garden Of Eden (Geography-Neighbourhoods)

You and Adam are now friends.

Adam wrote on your wall:
"Hiiiii, hows it hangin?"

Adam wrote on your wall:
"Kind of lonely. Maybe make something I can stick this thing between my legs in? I think I want to do that"

You & Adam are now friends with Eve.

Adam & Eve are in a relationship.

Adam & Eve joined the group: Garden Of Eden

You wrote a note:
"Rules for the garden
No shirt. No shoes. No sin. No problem. Stay away from the apples, seriously."

You created a new album:
Fake Dinosaur Fossils(500 photos)
Adam commented:
Haha, yeah right. like anyone will believe these stupid things existed.

The Serpent sent Eve a gift:
"A nice juicy apple, ENJOY!"

Adam & Eve added the application: Shame

Adam & Eve left the group: Garden Of Eden

Adam & Eve's relationship is now complicated

[Runesmith]

I was on the phone with this girl for a long time, and it was going nowhere. I had to make a good exit. So I said I am going to tell her a couple of jokes. She agreed.

I asked, "What has a one inch dick and hangs down?". She thought for a few seconds and replied, "I don't know."

"A bat," I told her. Not even the slightest giggle from the other side. Yeah, dumb joke, I know.

"Ok, here's the second one. What has a nine inch dick and hangs up?" I asked her. Almost immediately, I got the reply, "I don't know."

I hung up.

[Runesmith]

Do-it-yourself self-help tips for the man about the house:

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat, and the blockage will instantly remove itself.*

2. Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

3. Avoid the eternal argument with women about leaving the toilet seat up or down - just use the sink.

4. Home remedy for high blood pressure - simply cut your wrists and bleed for a few minutes and this will reduce the pressure. Remember to use a timer.*

5. Avoid hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep by placing a small loaded mouse trap on your alarm clock.

6. Cure for cough - take a large dose of laxative. Believe me, you'll be afraid to cough.*

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If something doesn't move and should, use WD-40. If it shouldn't move but does, use duct tape.

8. Remember - every woman seems normal until you get to know her.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.

*Therapeutic claims not evaluated by FDA. Consult your physician before following these recommendations.

[cooperjess]

Hey, 7 and 9 are pretty profound wisdom^

Back on the theme of my weird addictions, I've not long started drinking brake fluid. It's alright though, I can stop any time I want.

[Runesmith]

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, who belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She gets up and says, "oh, I'm sorry!" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

Spoiler:

The pilot answered, "I told her first class doesn't go to Toronto."

[Runesmith]

A girl from work asked if I'd drive her home yesterday because it was raining heavily.

I agreed, we got talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, then about work for a bit. We got to her house before long.

She thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped, looked hard at me and whispered, "How did you know where I lived?"

[HeadMaze]

A man is on holiday to New York and he goes up the empire state building and while he's up there looking over the edge two builders are sitting on a girder hanging off the edge.

Builder one says to the man "Hay you ever jump from someplace really high?"

The man reply "No"

So the builder jumps off the girder and before he hits the ground he flicks his hands and fly's back up onto the girder.

He then says to the man "Its easy you just flick you wrists, give it a try"

The man jumps and after he flicks his wrists nothing happens, splat.

The second builder the says to the first "You know Gabriel for an angel you can be a right prick"