SM Advice.

[Star Shadows]

How safe is it to keep toothpaste in your pussy or ass?

This still isn’t the best place to ask this but I will post the link to Nelly’s suggestion response and request that questions like this are reserved for Nelly’s thread. Her responses are far better on this sort of issue than mine are. She is far more knowledgeable on this.
http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showpost....4&postcount=10

[stacey_y2k11]

Hi Guys my husband is sub and has spent the past 10ish years with Dom masters or mistresses but now we are married he wants me to be Dom with him which at first i thought sounds great i thought it was just about dishing out punishments. After a lot of reading and seeing him not getting the same satisfaction as he would from another Mistress i am now learning that it is not. I am understanding the Dom side of it a little more and hopefully i am getting better i seem to be reading about it all the time however i am unsure how to seperate our games from real life we have 3 children and we live together so i am unsure how to put a clear line of family life and our life as he wants a permenant Mistress but when the children are around i can not have him sit on the floor, fetch and carry for me ect any ideas would be great. Also i know i am a pain but as i am new to this i have no idea how to use my feet with him (he has a foot fetish) he asks for them and i give in as i feel bad when he is giving me whatever pleasure i tell him to. Thanks for you help in advance. x

[LadyCeleste]

Hi Guys my husband is sub and has spent the past 10ish years with Dom masters or mistresses but now we are married he wants me to be Dom with him which at first i thought sounds great i thought it was just about dishing out punishments. After a lot of reading and seeing him not getting the same satisfaction as he would from another Mistress i am now learning that it is not. I am understanding the Dom side of it a little more and hopefully i am getting better i seem to be reading about it all the time however i am unsure how to seperate our games from real life we have 3 children and we live together so i am unsure how to put a clear line of family life and our life as he wants a permenant Mistress but when the children are around i can not have him sit on the floor, fetch and carry for me ect any ideas would be great. Also i know i am a pain but as i am new to this i have no idea how to use my feet with him (he has a foot fetish) he asks for them and i give in as i feel bad when he is giving me whatever pleasure i tell him to. Thanks for you help in advance. x

First of all, thank you for coming to us to ask for advice because this is such an excellent question. Most people are too afraid to ask about something like this and I think you have given others the gateway to be able to ask the questions to get the answers they seek.

I find it is always hardest to dominate those who you love or have a close relationship with because you're unsure what to do without worrying about making them feel bad and other such things. The best thing to do in this case is to sit down and have a long talk about the things that he wants/expects and the things you want/expect.

When the children are around, treat him like normal to their eye, but you can have a certain level of dominance over him. You can say something like "please go get me x from x room" or whatever and make sure you say it nice but give him a knowing look. There are subtle ways of keeping it 24/7 without others knowing. It takes times to learn all of these things so don't expect to know it all right away, and asking questions is the best way to learn. If you need more individualised help, feel free to PM me and I will do my best to answer your questions as I am in the same situation you're in except I'm not married.

As for the foot fetish thing, really the best way to do things like that is to wear shoes that make you feel sexy or feel good and have him worship them. Have him do things to make you want to show him the shoes or your feet. If you're barefoot and he's in the mood, have him rub your feet, paint your toenails, or simply just put your foot in his face and ask him questions about it. Make him tell you how it feels to have it in his face, etc. Or, use him as a "stool" so to speak. IE: putting your feet up on his back, things like that. But of course, doing that sort of thing ONLY when the children are not around.

Hope this helps. As I said before, if you need individualised help or want more ideas, feel free to PM me and I would be more than happy to assist you.

[stacey_y2k11]

Thank you very much LadyCeleste i will be trying out your advice and i am sure that i will be taking you up on the offer of more advice in the future. Thank you..... There should be Mistress schools available

[Star Shadows]

Originally Posted by LadyCeleste

First of all, thank you for coming to us to ask for advice because this is such an excellent question. Most people are too afraid to ask about something like this and I think you have given others the gateway to be able to ask the questions to get the answers they seek.

I find it is always hardest to dominate those who you love or have a close relationship with because you're unsure what to do without worrying about making them feel bad and other such things. The best thing to do in this case is to sit down and have a long talk about the things that he wants/expects and the things you want/expect.

When the children are around, treat him like normal to their eye, but you can have a certain level of dominance over him. You can say something like "please go get me x from x room" or whatever and make sure you say it nice but give him a knowing look. There are subtle ways of keeping it 24/7 without others knowing. It takes times to learn all of these things so don't expect to know it all right away, and asking questions is the best way to learn. If you need more individualised help, feel free to PM me and I will do my best to answer your questions as I am in the same situation you're in except I'm not married.

As for the foot fetish thing, really the best way to do things like that is to wear shoes that make you feel sexy or feel good and have him worship them. Have him do things to make you want to show him the shoes or your feet. If you're barefoot and he's in the mood, have him rub your feet, paint your toenails, or simply just put your foot in his face and ask him questions about it. Make him tell you how it feels to have it in his face, etc. Or, use him as a "stool" so to speak. IE: putting your feet up on his back, things like that. But of course, doing that sort of thing ONLY when the children are not around.

Hope this helps. As I said before, if you need individualised help or want more ideas, feel free to PM me and I would be more than happy to assist you.

Just to reemphasise what Lady C has said since she has done an amazing job with giving you this advice. Thank you again for coming to us for help:

Examples like lady c mentioned give a variety of scope for still maintaining aspects of the relationship while around people who are best left in the dark about it. It is just a case of having small signs that you two both would be able to know and understand the meaning of that are discreet enough that the kids won't notice.

I have to commend you though for being able to maintain a sm relationship with someone you love; I have never been able to do it, I just end up feeling really awkward and uncomfortable, despite the high levels of trust. That being said communication is vital in any and all relationships, ones with loved ones maybe even more so. Talk frequently about where and how things are going to make sure it is still in a place you are both comfortable with.

[LadyCeleste]

Okay, I have 2 questions. First, what does BDSM stand for? I have been wondering that for a long time.

Second, what does it take to be a real master? I am a beginner and I am wondering what I am supposed to do? Some people have asked me and I have said I'll try but the next day they end it saying I'm not very good! Advice, please?

The answer to your first question: BDSM has multiple answers. Some people refer to it as:

Bondage
Dominance
Sadism
Masochism

Others look at it as:

Bondage
Discipline
Submission
Mastery

Your second question:

Quite honestly, if they expect you to be any good and you're this new, they are going to be sadly disappointed. The best way to get to be good at what you do is to find someone with little to no experience, such as yourself and the two of you can learn together. Or, have someone who is more experienced take you "under their wing" so-to-speak and have them instruct you.

Also, doing research on various fetishes and finding out your own likes, dislikes, and limits is a good way to start because if you don't know those, then you can cross your own boundaries without even knowing it.

[Star Shadows]

Okay, I have 2 questions. First, what does BDSM stand for? I have been wondering that for a long time.

The letter formation of BDSM is a triple acronym, and commonly misunderstood or interpreted as to its meaning. As far as I have ever read- (looking at multiple sources), the three parts stand for: bondage and discipline (the BD part), Dominance and submission (the D/s part), and sadism and masochism. Though as can be seen from Lady Celeste's response there are a number of ways of viewing this.

Second, what does it take to be a real master? I am a beginner and I am wondering what I am supposed to do? Some people have asked me and I have said I'll try but the next day they end it saying I'm not very good! Advice, please?


So many people will tell you so many different things as to how to be a good dom, and what it takes to be a ‘real dom’ but there are a few pointers that are pretty common place and along the right lines that you should be heading down.

Communication:
Communicating with people is so important in the lifestyle: not only talking and interacting with any submissive you have so that you understand what they want from you not just what you want from them, and to make sure they are always comfortable and happy with what is going on. But also talking to other people on the site can be advantageous to develop knowledge, understanding and tricks of the trade. What I am trying to say here is that like when entering any relationship communication is key on many levels and can at length help you become a more proficient master/dominant.

Do A lot of reading.
There are endless numbers of threads and websites that give help and advice on the do’s and dont’s of bdsm and how to do well in the lifestyle. If you read up and know your stuff then you are more likely to succeed. So really before you even think about hitting the ads and taking on a real live person you should read about it and read about the ins and outs of what to do; here are some threads I’d recommend as a starting point

How not to be a dumbinant: http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=47512
So you want to be a slave or master: http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=19141
What to expect: http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=31137
So you want to enter bdsm http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=46323
Threads of note http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=19036
Big guide thing : http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=75973
(this has a lot of recommended threads anyway but some of them I shall post below)

Also make sure that you provide trust respect and honesty (basically all the stuff that is in the links up there ^^ but as Lady C you wont be good straight away, you need time to learn and grow- just as a submissive would.

[LadyCeleste]

Okay, thanks for answering my first questions. Now here is my next one: How do you know your likes and limits?

The only real way you will find that out is through exploration and figuring them out as you go. There might be certain things right away that you might say "I don't like this or would never do this". IE: Bestiality, Incest, things of that nature.

[Star Shadows]

Originally Posted by LadyCeleste

Okay, thanks for answering my first questions. Now here is my next one: How do you know your likes and limits?

The only real way you will find that out is through exploration and figuring them out as you go. There might be certain things right away that you might say "I don't like this or would never do this". IE: Bestiality, Incest, things of that nature.

This exactly; saves me writing
basically some you can look at and decide you will know straight away that it isn't for you, and some you find with time and exploration you decided you like, don't like or would never do again. Some people take years to fully work out their limits for other it is easy just take your time and have fun with it.

[LadyCeleste]

I'm new to this whole thing and there are a few things I don't really understand:

What is the difference in being submissive and being a slave? I've seen people say they want a slave but also submissive, or that they are not a slave just submissive. Aren't they kind of the same?

Shouldnt D/s be a two way street? If the sub respects the Dom, the sub should be respected as well, no? Doms shouldn't expect for us to respect or care about them when we don't receive it back.

No. Slave and Submissive are two VERY different things. The biggest difference between a submissive and a slave is that "slave" indicates direct ownership and they have no choice but to comply with their dominants wishes. The submissive chooses when and how to submit to their dominant. There are slightly subtle differences, aside from that, but that is the largest one. People who say they are submissive are just that, they willingly submit to those whom they choose to submit to. The slave must submit (within reason) to anyone who is dominant.

Yes, you are right, D/S IS a two way street. Unfortunately, most new dominants do not understand that and they think that just because they are dominant that they do not have to respect other people or the submissives that they take on. The trouble is, that attitude then makes it so that less and less submissives come on to want to play and there's a sudden shortage of good submissives.

[Star Shadows]

I'm new to this whole thing and there are a few things I don't really understand:

What is the difference in being submissive and being a slave? I've seen people say they want a slave but also submissive, or that they are not a slave just submissive. Aren't they kind of the same?

Shouldnt D/s be a two way street? If the sub respects the Dom, the sub should be respected as well, no? Doms shouldn't expect for us to respect or care about them when we don't receive it back.

Firstly: Hi welcome
Next: Yes, a submissive and a slave are two very different things, it just happens that they are falsely made interchangeable- largely a flaw in the site as well as general understanding.

The main difference is that a slave is directly owned and must do whatever their dom(me)/master or whatever tells them to do... in a simple way to think about it is that the workforce in ancient egypt were slaves, they had no choice but to do the work that they were given, and were owned completely. In contrast a submissive chooses when and to whom they submit, and still maintain a level of personal freedom and control.. so more like a volunteer as a vanilla example.

Finally: You are very right that d/s should be a two way street with respect, honesty, transparency and trust flowing in both directions. However new "masters" think that this is not the case, or have not been educated as to the fact that it is- much as many of us try. It is a real problem, as Lady Celeste has already mentioned, because we not only have less successful dominants in the lifestyle but a fewer number of submissives that are willing to submit when this way of thinking is in place.

[Star Shadows]

So, how exactly does one deal with the kink habit while living with one's parents? While I was at college during the school year, life was great and I found the most incredible TNG munch to hang out with. Now that I'm back home for the summer, I'm ninety minutes away from the nearest groups, and I can't exactly be nearly as involved with each trip costing fifteen dollars in gas, not including dungeon admission and the like. There's also the whole issue of maintaining secrecy due to conservative parents being around.

Any suggestions? I haven't been to a play party in six weeks! =(


There are a few ideas that I can think of that you could explore, the first one would be private play but im not sure that that is something that you would be interested as you seem far more interested in the social elements than anything else. It might be a possible means of getting around it until you can get back there though.Hiding private stuff is pretty simple as long as you have somewhere to hide any evidence of it.

You could also look around your immediate area for other munches, it likely wont be the same people, but again it gives you an option to meet new people, and find more about what there is in your area for when you are away from the other one at college. Like I know there are at least two around where i live. You should be able to find one if you know how to look for them.

[Star Shadows]

What is a psychological domme?

I have listened to Lady Celeste's show on what psychological domination is so many times and I still struggle to explain what it is, which is why my point answer to this is going to be pretty brief- she is most likely far better equipped at me to explain this considered her experienced, I am training in it but its still something I cant really explain.

While psychological domination is essentially another form of dominance (with a psychological domme being a female who specialises in it. Unlike the more common forms of dominance; psychological domination is a learned skill, a craft, rather than something you can just do. It is something that you have to learn to do- and is greatly benefited by an understanding of psychology.

It isn't about ordering someone around and 'proving that you are the one in charge. It is about a subtlety, tone of voice and choice of words to imply, and give suggestion of what you want your submissive to do. It is about getting inside the mind of a submissive and guiding them to do what you want, rather than taking a whip or a crop and forcing them to do it.

Download the relevant radio talk show here (segment on this starts 33:50 ish)

[LadyCeleste]

So, how exactly does one deal with the kink habit while living with one's parents? While I was at college during the school year, life was great and I found the most incredible TNG munch to hang out with. Now that I'm back home for the summer, I'm ninety minutes away from the nearest groups, and I can't exactly be nearly as involved with each trip costing fifteen dollars in gas, not including dungeon admission and the like. There's also the whole issue of maintaining secrecy due to conservative parents being around.

Any suggestions? I haven't been to a play party in six weeks!

Believe it or not, many of us have been there and we share your pain. Being that you are a more socialite type rather than a private type, try doing stuff online. You get the aspect of being able to interact with others, but you also are able to work out your kinks.

As ironic as it sounds, I still live with my parents and they have no clue as to how deep the rabbit hole goes. I assume they have a general idea because they joke around about the kinks that they do, but I have a general suspicion that if they truly knew, they wouldn't understand. I am going to guess and say that you do have a lock on your door. I would highly suggest using it if you are going to do any sort of online play.

Just because the closest groups are 90 minutes away, does not necessarily mean that you have to always go to them to be able to have fun. You have to remember that the lifestyle, much like anything, can be done anywhere, at anytime. You can work out your kinks online, or if you are lucky, find someone who is close to home who is also into it and begin experimenting SAFELY, with them. Groups and dungeons are fun, but the real fun begins when it is just you and one other person that you make that connection with.

[carom]

Originally Posted by Star Shadows

While psychological domination is essentially another form of dominance (with a psychological domme being a female who specialises in it. Unlike the more common forms of dominance; psychological domination is a learned skill, a craft, rather than something you can just do. It is something that you have to learn to do- and is greatly benefited by an understanding of psychology.

Yes and so totally no.

Psychological dominance is another form or better another part of dominance. It is the part that is not physical. The control of the mind and thought of someone, without the use of any force. A lack of this aspect is, for me, a good sign of someone being a top and not dominant. With a lot grey areas though.

I disagree on the learned skill aspect. While you can learn technics this is sure not a pure learned skill. The use of words and conditioning for example, domiants use it without learning and for some without knowing that they do.

Some people learn to use aspects of it , some will never be able to learn it, some do it by nature.
And some do it by nature and learned how to use it more directed

It is like saying painting is ia learned skill.

But yes. psychological domme is a female dominant that concentrates on the not physical aspects of dominance.