In School (FICTION)

HypoMonkey · 02-05-2009, 10:38 AM

It was the four of us in that welsh lesson. We have a shit teacher, he doesn't listen to us and tends to fall asleep anyway... we had a double lesson and as it was the last day of school he stuck a film on... it can't have been more than 5minutes into the lesson and he was asleep.
We were in year 10, I sat next to Cook, Eliz and Julie sat opposite us. Cook decided we should play TORD, i was reluctant at first, but the three of them insisted that we played an dit would be eay... i sed ok.
They were telling the truth, it was easy. Theypicked on me and gave me the first dare, all i had 2 do was shout 'Cock' at the top of my voice.
I stood up, teacher asleep, groups of friends talking and the film playing...
"COCK!!!" I shouted, everyone went quite and looked round at me, the room burst into fits of giggles, yet the teacher remaind asleep.
Stupid dares like this carried on for about 10minuites but suddenly the game took a trun for the worst.
"Cook" said Eliz, "I dare you too strip to your underware!" Cook was very confident with his body and without hesitation ripped his shirt of and removed his trouser and sticking them on the desk infront of us. The look of shock lay on Julies face, however tis quickyly turned to a posesed smile,
"Thomas" she said, a hint of madness in her voice,"I dare you to give Cook head"
Me and Cook looked at each other, sheer horror on our faces

Daredevil999 · 02-08-2009, 11:59 AM

this story could be very good
it has potential
please keep writing

nightmare09 · 02-08-2009, 12:32 PM

go on pleasei like it

Officelover · 02-08-2009, 06:38 PM

Too short. Longer, please!
There's this strange new thing called grammar. I think apple makes it.
Did you hear about their other product, spelling?
The story moved far too quickly. Detail is everything.
Not terribly original.
And a little implausible. Who can really sleep when people scream at the top of their lungs, "COCK!!!"

So sorry. Apart from these it's okay.

wicked · 02-09-2009, 05:05 PM

the story is good, but the way it is written... well... the dialogue is weak.

try to improve on your spelling =)

Power · 02-09-2009, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wicked

the story is good, but the way it is written... well... the dialogue is weak.

try to improve on your spelling =)

Agreed the story itself is pretty solid, but the grammar, spelling, and sentence structure are atrocious. Work on that and you'll have a good story

burrowfielddog · 02-10-2009, 10:29 AM

Well I think it has potential.

Elin0553 · 02-20-2009, 12:04 AM

if you can read it, who cares how it's spelled? I dont thats for sure.

kep writing-i love the story so far

02-05-2009, 10:38 AM	#1
HypoMonkey Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 218	In School (FICTION) It was the four of us in that welsh lesson. We have a shit teacher, he doesn't listen to us and tends to fall asleep anyway... we had a double lesson and as it was the last day of school he stuck a film on... it can't have been more than 5minutes into the lesson and he was asleep. We were in year 10, I sat next to Cook, Eliz and Julie sat opposite us. Cook decided we should play TORD, i was reluctant at first, but the three of them insisted that we played an dit would be eay... i sed ok. They were telling the truth, it was easy. Theypicked on me and gave me the first dare, all i had 2 do was shout 'Cock' at the top of my voice. I stood up, teacher asleep, groups of friends talking and the film playing... "COCK!!!" I shouted, everyone went quite and looked round at me, the room burst into fits of giggles, yet the teacher remaind asleep. Stupid dares like this carried on for about 10minuites but suddenly the game took a trun for the worst. "Cook" said Eliz, "I dare you too strip to your underware!" Cook was very confident with his body and without hesitation ripped his shirt of and removed his trouser and sticking them on the desk infront of us. The look of shock lay on Julies face, however tis quickyly turned to a posesed smile, "Thomas" she said, a hint of madness in her voice,"I dare you to give Cook head" Me and Cook looked at each other, sheer horror on our faces __________________ 14/M/UK Hehe... burnt burgers

02-08-2009, 06:38 PM	#4
Officelover Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: May 2008 Location: New England Posts: 2,602 Blog Entries: 107	Sorry to be a bit harsh, but... Too short. Longer, please! There's this strange new thing called grammar. I think apple makes it. Did you hear about their other product, spelling? The story moved far too quickly. Detail is everything. Not terribly original. And a little implausible. Who can really sleep when people scream at the top of their lungs, "COCK!!!" So sorry. Apart from these it's okay. __________________ 20 Trans Femme Nonbinary Ass Collector Writes Poetry On Aluminum Foil with Gold Gel Pens Fills Mason Jar with Vodka I'm Doing A Cleanse White Kid with Black Nails

02-10-2009, 10:29 AM	#7
burrowfielddog Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 109	Well I think it has potential. __________________ Nothing illegal, no scat, no extreme pain Currently into markers

02-20-2009, 12:04 AM	#8
Elin0553 Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: My home is so impossibly long, no ammount of words or letters could comprehend the legth and th Posts: 103 Blog Entries: 7	if you can read it, who cares how it's spelled? I dont thats for sure. kep writing-i love the story so far __________________ Owned Rainbow Slut

02-08-2009, 11:59 AM	#2
Daredevil999 Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK Posts: 110	this story could be very good it has potential please keep writing

02-08-2009, 12:32 PM	#3
nightmare09 Account Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: michigan Posts: 125 Blog Entries: 1	go on pleasei like it

02-09-2009, 05:05 PM	#5
wicked getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 287	the story is good, but the way it is written... well... the dialogue is weak. try to improve on your spelling =)