Fiction: Lose Bet And Be My Slave

dman4life · 09-22-2009, 08:02 AM

Overall not to bad. A great concept, but the writting style is putting me off. You set it up as if Emma would be reluctant towards paying off the bet, but she goes into it pretty easily. Also, you tend to write what just happened in details, almost to summerize it. I mean, it works in your head, I get that, but I think written out it just comes across as a review. Like when she takes a piss outside naked, he tells her how to do it and then immediatly after that part you summerize it again for the readers.

I'd like to read some more, to see where this is going. I really want to see what happens when the others show up.

Decent work though, keep it up.

09-22-2009, 08:02 AM	#7
dman4life Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 28	Overall not to bad. A great concept, but the writting style is putting me off. You set it up as if Emma would be reluctant towards paying off the bet, but she goes into it pretty easily. Also, you tend to write what just happened in details, almost to summerize it. I mean, it works in your head, I get that, but I think written out it just comes across as a review. Like when she takes a piss outside naked, he tells her how to do it and then immediatly after that part you summerize it again for the readers. I'd like to read some more, to see where this is going. I really want to see what happens when the others show up. Decent work though, keep it up. __________________ [email protected]