Are you tired of being shot down by girls online with the excuses that they are already owned, not interested, or a 'lesbian'?

Sick of seeing girls post pictures of their bodies and not instantly private message you when you tell them it makes you hard?

Well, I've got good news for you! It is completely possible to find a good playmate, just follow these five easy steps and you'll have women begging to play with you, dominant and submissive.

1. Find a girl,...

So, you could say that looking cute as Hell is kind of an oxymoron, but my thought is, why look preppy adorable cute when you can look like you fought the devil and won cute?

To begin with, you need to slaughter some cattle. I know I know all you vegetarians throwing a cow (hehe, cuz cattle is cow) but sacrifice is important when looking like you're a demon straight out of the pit but still totally down to have a nap.

You've got your cow? Okay, now once you kill it, you gotta...