I keep having the same dream, and it hurts

My "little brother" would be turning 21 on April 18th. and I started having the same dream again. the same dream that I had last year around this time, and the year before.

Its always different in how it goes down, but the idea is always the same. the idea is that Zac, never killed himself. that he was tubing up in Minnesota, there was a horrible snow storm during his way home, he was never heard from again, multiple wrecks on the road to home. he was presumed dead. but then, 4 years later, he showed up at his moms door step, having lost 120 lbs, and grown 4 inches. he was alive! he had either walked home, hitch hiked, or something. but it was always the same. he had not actually died, and was discovered to be alive.

the thing is, this dream keeps messing with my head. because I saw his body in the casket, I know he is dead. but in the dream, its always brought up in conversation some way or another, and its always "no, he didn't die, remember? they found him alive last year." and whenever i hear that in the dream, it makes me question whats real, and whats not.

i always wake up thinking "he alive? i have to call him!" but then i realize that "no, hes alive in my dream" which just stabs me in the chest even more.
to make matters worse, in the dream last night, I actually saw him. this was the first time i got to see him, we hugged, and I could actually feel his grip, a big bear hug, squeezing my sides, it actually hurt a little. he wasn't aware of me being out of the closet on being trans, so that threw him back a little. but we had planned with his brother and his brothers friend to get together later that night and get drunk and catch up for his 21st birthday. everyone was excited and i said "let me go get the booze!" but on my way to get it, i woke up thinking "i need to get the booze for Zac's party! wait, no. he's dead. hes only alive in my dream"

that's all i'm gonna say for today, this is hard to talk about. have a good day my fellow freaks and geeks!