It's time I stopped lying to myself, I'm trans.

So, it's time i told the truth. all of the truth.

I am transsexual, M to F, pre-op. But I may never get to have the operation I so desire.

So, for a long time, (since about 8th grade) i've felt uncomfortable in my own body. not that i felt insecure as a male, but that i felt more like a female, trapped in a males body. For a while, i chose to identify as a "femboy" telling myself "no, your not uncomfortable being male, your just a feminine male, a femboy." that way my other personalities wouldn't need to worry about me wanting a reassignment surgery. but that has failed. i've been telling myself this lie for a few years now. (since i was 19) because i didn't want to be shut out by the other personalities. but i cant take it anymore.

I live my life as a girl, i dress in women's clothing daily, I have feminine mannerisms, and introduce myself to new people as "Amanda". when i do dress masculine, i feel like i'm living a lie. I feel like i'm hiding who i am as not to offend others or cause trouble. (i usually only dress masculine when going near family, since they didnt take it too well when i came out to them at 18)

I've been wanting to change my gender on my profile to M to F Transsexual, but i'm so scared of being banned, since i'm still biologically male, and (as our core personality is married) will probably never be able to have the sex change that i so desire.

I've been going to a therapist for close to a year now, and until just a few months ago, i was co-conscious with our core personality, mike. but a few months ago that consciousnesses started to go away. im now completely blind to the others, and i can only assume they are blind to me as well.

this scared me, i think i've been shut out from them. i spoke to my therapist about it and she seems to believe that my DID is getting worse. All I know is, I desperately want to be a female. I want to have a sex change and be more like the gender I personally feel i am. i've taken to wearing my chastity cage daily as when i'm wearing it, i cant pee standing up, i have to sit, if i try to pee standing up, it just goes everywhere. this fact makes me feel more like a girl. i've been "out" a lot more often and this has given me time to realize the state im in.

GetDare really helped me to find myself, and i love that. I owe a lot of who i am today, and my comfortablility (is that a word?) with my sexuality to the GetDare community and website, so getting banned due to my gender being "wrong" would be absolutely devastating. I don't know what i would do without GetDare. I love this site and community so much. I don't want to get banned, but i also feel a great pain whenever i see "male" under my gender on my profile.

I want to change it to transgender, or M to F, but i'm too scared of getting banned to do so, thus i haven't.

I could always keep telling myself that im a femboy, and keep living that lie, but it hurts to much to do that.

i feel stuck. like no matter what i do, if i cant openly admit that i am trans, then ill just keep hating myself more and more for lying to myself about who i am.

this blog is kinda my way to get my feelings out into text. let them be known. but its also kind of a cry for help form the wonderful GetDare staff. if any of you are reading this, I want to make my gender here trans, but i'm still pre-op, and may never get to have the operation i want, due to a very good marriage. our wife know that i am trans, she hold the key to my cage. and shes very supportive, even if my own personalities are not. but both her and the core personality want kids of there own. because they want kids, i cant go through with the change. on top of that. if i got the change, her family (who is very homophobic and unaware of the truth about me) would "flip shit"

its hard, and very painful on a daily basis.

i guess im looking for an "ok" or a confirmation of sorts from any staff member that if i changed the gender on my profile to "m to f" or "transgender" with a line in my sig stating "pre-op m to f trans" that i wont get banned for "ling about my gender"

this may just be an irrational fear. i may have nothing to worry about, but i'm still scared. i love this site so much and owe so much to it, that i don't want to chance getting banned.

on a side note, if something were to happen to our marriage, like if she were to leave us for some reason (cant see that happening, its a very good marriage) or worse, if she were to die, then i know that mike (the core) would "off himself"

by "off himself" i don't mean commit suicide, well, not exactly. he would shut himself off from others, and me being the second strongest personality (next to him) i would take over, allowing me to get the operation i want eventually. but as of now, and the foreseeable future, i cant get the change. that being said, i'm still Trans. im not a femboy. that's just the lie i told myself to try to be more comfortable in my own body.

well, i've vomited enough emotion here today. ill leave y'all to it.

talk to ya later my fellow freaks and geeks!