A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Safewords in Online Relationships
Posted 06-28-2017 at 02:24 PM by Butterfly
Safewords are a very important and useful tool in a D/s relationship. I firmly believe that they should be mandatory when you are starting to play with somebody you are not familiar with.
Of course, they make a lot of sense in a real life scenario. If you are tied up and helpless to do anything at all to stop what is being done to you, having a safeword to draw attention to the fact that you are not ok, is important. They are extra important when you are doing an intense scene: lots of edging, pain, impact etc.
But I feel they are also very important in an online relationship as well.
Why use a safeword?
First of all, online play can also get very intense. You may not be physically helpless, but I find that you can give just as much mentally in an online relationship as you can in a physical relationship. You might even give more because there is a false sense of security in the fact that you are the one physically in charge.
However, so many situations can arise that would make a safeword helpful.
For example, you could find yourself in mental distress. Maybe you are having a panic attack, maybe you are crying, or scared or hurt, and you cannot form the right words to communicate what is going on. Having one word to use, that can communicate a bunch of things, can be a lifesaver.
I know for me, I complain a lot. If I am horny, if I am hurting, I will call my dom names, I will tell him I hate him, I will beg to stop, but I don't always want to, or more importantly, NEED to stop. It can be hard for your Dom to realize when you cross the line between I am enjoying being tortured, and I need to stop right now! This is made especially difficult if you are playing through text alone, or even through only voice. When you cannot see your partners body language, or hear the distress in their voice.
As you get used accustomed to your partners unique noises, body language, or even texting phrases, it may become easier to differentiate when things are not ok, but in the meantime, a safeword is fantastic tool.
A safeword can also be helpful for those people who are are wanting to increase the intensity of their relationship. You may want to start pushing some limits, or seeing how far you can get to the edge of your limits, or trying new things. Having a safeword should make it feel safer, allowing you both to explore more securely.
What does a safeword mean?
A safeword can mean different things to different people.Some people decide to have only one safeword. It will mean that play stops and communication happens before you proceed again. Other times, people choose to have two or more safewords.
The important thing is to communicate what your safeword(s) mean before beginning to play. I personally have 3 safewords. In the document that has my rules, I have written my 3 different safewords and what they mean to me, and what action I would want taken if they are used.
Typically there are two standard meanings for safewords:
Yellow: This safeword would mean that you are in distress, you are overwhelmed, you are scared, etc. It can mean that you need to slow down, take a break, have some water etc..
Red: This safeword would mean that you absolutely need to stop right NOW!
You do not need to use the words Yellow or Red, but those are two of the most common.
How to pick a safeword
If you decide to use a safeword outside the typical Yellow/Red, make sure that you pick something that means something to you. Pick something that isn't hard to remember (if anybody remembers the scene from Eurotrip, you will understand why this is so important). Pick something that you won't say during a typical play session (ex. don't choose "ouch" or "stop").
Communication
Safewords can be a very useful tool, but they do not excuse you from communicating. A safeword is great to get the attention of your Dom/Top, but once action has been taken, and play has stopped, communication still needs to occur.
Using your safeword
There is never anything wrong with using a safeword. Everybody hopes that it won't be used, that you won't be pushed far enough that you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, etc. however it is ok to use it. That is what it is there for.
I highly recommend practicing. You can do this by using simple little exercises to make you safeword For example: Hold ice cubes and squeeze. You are only allowed to stop AFTER you have said you safeword. The more comfortable you feel saying your safeword, the more natural it will be to use it when needed.
Do Dom(me)s need safewords?
There has been some debate on this topic. I personally don't think it would hurt for a Domme to have a safeword, and I have had one before. I have used it to indicate that I am feeling too subby, or that I have had alcohol and do not feel as though I should be in control, or if I am in a bad place mentally. However, not all Dom(me)s feel this way, and that is ok too.
Conclussion
Nobody does D/s the same. Different things work for different people. However, I do think that a safeword can be very useful, especially for beginners. But with or without a safeword, communication is the most important part of a relationship. A safeword is just one more tool to help successful communication occur.
Of course, they make a lot of sense in a real life scenario. If you are tied up and helpless to do anything at all to stop what is being done to you, having a safeword to draw attention to the fact that you are not ok, is important. They are extra important when you are doing an intense scene: lots of edging, pain, impact etc.
But I feel they are also very important in an online relationship as well.
Why use a safeword?
First of all, online play can also get very intense. You may not be physically helpless, but I find that you can give just as much mentally in an online relationship as you can in a physical relationship. You might even give more because there is a false sense of security in the fact that you are the one physically in charge.
However, so many situations can arise that would make a safeword helpful.
For example, you could find yourself in mental distress. Maybe you are having a panic attack, maybe you are crying, or scared or hurt, and you cannot form the right words to communicate what is going on. Having one word to use, that can communicate a bunch of things, can be a lifesaver.
I know for me, I complain a lot. If I am horny, if I am hurting, I will call my dom names, I will tell him I hate him, I will beg to stop, but I don't always want to, or more importantly, NEED to stop. It can be hard for your Dom to realize when you cross the line between I am enjoying being tortured, and I need to stop right now! This is made especially difficult if you are playing through text alone, or even through only voice. When you cannot see your partners body language, or hear the distress in their voice.
As you get used accustomed to your partners unique noises, body language, or even texting phrases, it may become easier to differentiate when things are not ok, but in the meantime, a safeword is fantastic tool.
A safeword can also be helpful for those people who are are wanting to increase the intensity of their relationship. You may want to start pushing some limits, or seeing how far you can get to the edge of your limits, or trying new things. Having a safeword should make it feel safer, allowing you both to explore more securely.
What does a safeword mean?
A safeword can mean different things to different people.Some people decide to have only one safeword. It will mean that play stops and communication happens before you proceed again. Other times, people choose to have two or more safewords.
The important thing is to communicate what your safeword(s) mean before beginning to play. I personally have 3 safewords. In the document that has my rules, I have written my 3 different safewords and what they mean to me, and what action I would want taken if they are used.
Typically there are two standard meanings for safewords:
Yellow: This safeword would mean that you are in distress, you are overwhelmed, you are scared, etc. It can mean that you need to slow down, take a break, have some water etc..
Red: This safeword would mean that you absolutely need to stop right NOW!
You do not need to use the words Yellow or Red, but those are two of the most common.
How to pick a safeword
If you decide to use a safeword outside the typical Yellow/Red, make sure that you pick something that means something to you. Pick something that isn't hard to remember (if anybody remembers the scene from Eurotrip, you will understand why this is so important). Pick something that you won't say during a typical play session (ex. don't choose "ouch" or "stop").
Communication
Safewords can be a very useful tool, but they do not excuse you from communicating. A safeword is great to get the attention of your Dom/Top, but once action has been taken, and play has stopped, communication still needs to occur.
Using your safeword
There is never anything wrong with using a safeword. Everybody hopes that it won't be used, that you won't be pushed far enough that you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, etc. however it is ok to use it. That is what it is there for.
I highly recommend practicing. You can do this by using simple little exercises to make you safeword For example: Hold ice cubes and squeeze. You are only allowed to stop AFTER you have said you safeword. The more comfortable you feel saying your safeword, the more natural it will be to use it when needed.
Do Dom(me)s need safewords?
There has been some debate on this topic. I personally don't think it would hurt for a Domme to have a safeword, and I have had one before. I have used it to indicate that I am feeling too subby, or that I have had alcohol and do not feel as though I should be in control, or if I am in a bad place mentally. However, not all Dom(me)s feel this way, and that is ok too.
Conclussion
Nobody does D/s the same. Different things work for different people. However, I do think that a safeword can be very useful, especially for beginners. But with or without a safeword, communication is the most important part of a relationship. A safeword is just one more tool to help successful communication occur.
Total Comments 6
Comments
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I personally have never used a safeword but I do think in certain cases it is advisable. For example what you said above if someone says "no" or "stop" but they don't really mean it and want you to continue I think it's advisable and almost needed. But safety is a huge concern in playing in any regards and while I don't use safewords I definitely communicate a lot with my sub or Domme as to how I'm feeling. And what certain text lines and behaviors will mean. Those who really get to know me when to push me and when to back off, and that was done through communication. So as you said a safeword is important but it can't just be that alone as communication is one of the keys to any healthy relationship.Posted 06-28-2017 at 05:17 PM by Komodo Jones 
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Thanks for this post!!! Very clearly set out. I agree entirely that even online play should include a safeword. If anything it makes safe word use habitual in real life experiences too. It's such a simple thing to establish and removes any ambiguity during even intense play.
Posted 06-29-2017 at 09:36 AM by honey666
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Great writing, I don't necessarily agree with safe words being needed in online play, I don't think they hurt and def help prepare people for real life play if they decide to head that routePosted 06-29-2017 at 05:20 PM by Heart
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I thought so too, until someone pointed out to me that it is no less playing than in the real world, and even more dangerous becuase you can't check on your sub. If you can watch her you know how she is doing, but online you normally don't have that luxury. Thus I now have become convinced that safewords should be used whenever you play, be it online or in real life.Quote:Originally Posted by IHeartfun
Great writing, I don't necessarily agree with safe words being needed in online playPosted 07-02-2017 at 12:09 PM by RopeRigger
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True, very true!Quote:Originally Posted by RopeRigger
I thought so too, until someone pointed out to me that it is no less playing than in the real world, and even more dangerous becuase you can't check on your sub. If you can watch her you know how she is doing, but online you normally don't have that luxury. Thus I now have become convinced that safewords should be used whenever you play, be it online or in real life.
With all the trust that had been built my pet does About everything i ask in complete trust. But i Cannot see her. We like to play quite harsh. Being sure not to cross a Boundary is quite a challenge. It's also hot of course.
My pet never had to use her safe word but it's quite essential she has one.Posted 07-02-2017 at 12:18 PM by sir sam
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It's never a surprise when an insightful and smart blog has your name on it!
Personally I'd differentiate a little here between 'playing' and a relationship, I think once you're in a relationship you have much more of a position of responsibility, much more trust, you're much more likely to push boundaries, unexpected things are more likely to happen and at that point I personally would always want a safe word in place.
I don't think it's so important for just casual play sessions within limited bounds, but I think that's a fuzzy line that's in a different place for everyone - and if one person wants a safeword there definitely should be one.
As a dom I feel a safeword is less important for me because a safe word is basically a shortcut to something more detailed - I need to stop because... but you need to stop now, so it's a quick safe word to make it stop and then you can discuss it when you're ready. It's an in session thing, where I think a dom can always end a session in a slightly less terse way if they need to. I could see a situation where someone can't be involved/take charge and isn't in a position to give details immediately though, and a word that makes that clear would probably be sensible. Again I guess this is just something where people differ and it depends on lots of different things.
Posted 07-02-2017 at 01:14 PM by Bluetooth
