Why This Kink?

If you told me three months ago that I was addicted to a BDSM Dare webpage and that not only have I been exploring my submissive side, but have been playing around as an online dominatrix, I would have laughed in your face.

So why the change? I'm not fully sure, but in this post I'm going to try to ponder the background of this new (rediscovered?) fetish of mine.

My first kink goes way back to my early childhood. I have always had a very competitive side, which developed into a gambling fetish. Not so much about money, thankfully, but about wagers, dares and games in general. I think its origins are from family game night, especially with my dad. We loved to tease and challenge each other, trying to provoke the other, much to my mother's chagrin. I guess I should state I had a very happy childhood. My parents never abused me or even spanked me, and to this day I am still close with both of them, especially my dad. So the BDSM thing didn't come from my childhood.

I can first trace my interest in BDSM back to the mid 1990's during early high school when at a party the guys were watching some old cheesy soft-porn adventure flick. The protagonist, a female adventuress, was captured by the bad guys and taken to a dungeon and flogged. I still remember being memorized by that scene. I knew I should be offended, but I found the whole thing incredibly arousing. From that day forward the thought of being found guilty, publicly stripped and whipped in front of a cheering crowd has haunted those occasional times when my erotic thoughts turned dark.

Looking back, I wonder if part of the attraction was from a sense of guilt. Though I was raised on the conservative side, and consider myself traditional, I did become a bit of a party girl (at least by my parents standards) in my teenage years and into college. Did some subconscious sense of guilt encourage this fantasy?

In college I met my ex, which began a 15 year relationship, with ten being marriage. We had a very active sex life, and though energetic, he was hardly creative in the bedroom. Besides the occasional slap on the rear during sex and a few times playing with some toy handcuffs, he wasn't into the BDSM thing.

When the divorce was finalized in early 2016 I resolved to stay single for awhile since the breakup wasn't pleasant. I do enjoy being unattached, but masturbation has become more of a habit and I even tried my hand at writing romantic erotica (link). As 2016 wore on I did find that old fantasy about being whipped becoming a bit more frequent in my dreams.

After accidentally joined getDare in Dec 2016 (see blog entry) my interest in BDSM has taken off. At first it was only creeping around, then it was gambling dares, then playing the submissive and finally playing a dom, with the realization that I'm a switch. (I still laugh that I know all these new terms now.)

As of now, I plan to keep this dark little secret side of myself private and just play with it online. Though it has been fascinating and fun exploring, it does scare me a bit, especially the idea that pain and humiliation can be such a turn on. Is my increase interest in BDSM tied to some sense of guilt about the divorce? Of failing in that part of my life? If so, is that a bad thing? Or an acceptable way with dealing with grief? Or maybe just a fun kink, devoid of any deep meaning? I don't know.

Well that's my story. I'm here to have some fun, meet some new online friends, but also try to figure somethings out.

Love,
Amy