Forgiveness

I’ve taken many big steps in the last few weeks, but none bigger than the step I took today.

It has been four very long years since an evil man stripped me of so many things, my innocence, years of my life, my ability to love, and so much more. I never thought I’d forgive this man that did something so horrible to me...but today, I sat face to face with him for the first time in four years and I forgave him and it was the best feeling in the entire world.

I had never addressed him after he had sexually assaulted me. He had expressed guilt and sorrow through text messages days after the event but he never expressed his sorrow to my face and I hated his guts for it. I guess it was partially my fault. I told him to stop talking to me so I could move on with my life and he could move on with his, and for the most part, we did move on. I’m sure my road to recovery was a little rougher than his, but we both went our separate ways.

A few days ago, I contacted him and asked if we could meet up and talk and he agreed. I only had one class this morning but following the class, I drove to his campus to meet him. I’ll let you in on a little secret...months ago, when I first came out to my family and friends as bisexual, I never thought I’d reach another moment in my life that would be more challenging than that, but I was mistaken. When I walked into the library where I had agreed to meet him, I felt sick to my stomach. This was the first time that we had actually talked since the event. This was the first time that I actually spoke a word to him. This was the first time that I was within feet of him. I had never been more uncomfortable in a situation. The last time we sat this close to each other, well, things didn’t end too well.

The images of that night burned in my mind as I sat across the table from him, playing over and over in my mind like an awful horror movie. We talked. I took all the courage and all the strength inside me to actually forgive him, but the words came out of my mouth in a shaky tone. He gave me a sincere apology, this first apology that I’ve heard straight from his mouth. I expressed my emotions truthfully. I let the anger that had been harbored inside me for the last four years unleash on him. I told him exactly how I had felt and I told him exactly how he had made my life living hell but in the end, I forgave him.

He had controlled years of my life, mentally and physically. By forgiving him, I can finally say “I win”. I feel like the burden, the stress, and all the memories of that lonely and dark night four years ago is finally erased from existence. Forgiving him is honestly the best feeling in the world. I am the one who came out of this whole event victorious...not him. Every single day that I live my life, every day that I am happy, that I make people laugh, that I wake up next to a beautiful girl, I am the winner. I am living my life and he doesn’t get to control my life anymore.

Anyone that has ever met me can honestly say that they would have never guessed that something so horrible had happened to me and I think that is a good thing. I think that is a good thing that I give off such a positive and happy appearance...because I am happy. And I think the best thing you can control in your life is your happiness and I am glad that I chose the path towards happiness two years ago, not the darker trail.

In conclusion, I just have one message for my rapist. Firstly, I’d like to thank you for showing me my strengths, but with my forgiveness, you are no longer needed in my life. Goodbye forever, you can take all the memories of the night, the sleepless nights, all the tears I shed, and all the panic attacks you caused, I no longer need them. You never broke me, someone as hateful and selfish as you could never break me. I am the happiest person in the world, not because of you, but from the people that you pushed into my life.

“Once the past has taught you everything you need to know, take a deep breath and let it go.”

Love,
~Lia