I have a lot of things I should talk about and it is easier for me to do that on a random website to a bunch of strangers. You can comment on my stuff or not, but the majority of my blog posts will be personal things that are difficult for me to talk about out loud.
Shame Spiral
My number one advice nowadays for people is to get involved in the BDSM community. It has changed my life and I will always be grateful to the friends who convinced me to go to my first event.
As time has gone by, I've become more involved. I go to classes, I volunteer, and I try to help new people that I meet. BDSM is inclusive, or it tries to be, and so many people are welcome. As long as your kink is done consensually and safely, BDSM will include you. The people might not, but people are people and everyone has opinions.
I've seen people called out for their kinks, told that they are doing it wrong or that someone else knows how to do it better. Hell, that's been done to me and I've probably done it to others without even realizing it.
I've never seen someone be told that doing impact is wrong or that humiliation is wrong or being a furry or fire play or chastity or boot blacking or so many other things. Sure, might not be your thing and someone might say that, but you're never told that you're wrong. You might have bad technique or they might view it as something else, but you're never just wrong.
I've been told that I'm not a good submissive because I'm a brat. That I'm subbing wrong or that someone can beat the brat out of me and then I'll be fixed. That I'll corrupt this new people because I'm a brat or that I'm too mouthy because I'm a brat.
It fucking sucks.
Now, the people saying it might not even realize they are hurting me. They are shocked at some of the things I want to do, and I'm shocked at some of the stories they share. We're all different.
I notice it much more online. I have several friends who do it, invalidate someone because of their kink, use a fetish as a way to put someone down. They probably don't even realize it's happening. Everyone gets pretty close, we tease and joke and play is much more fluid. But then someone will make a snide comment about your fetish or they'll embarrass you for something you are already a bit nervous about liking.
Lately, I haven't been sharing my play as much. Several people, including some good friends, make me feel less than them. You're a brat so you don't actually submit. You're into humiliation so I can call you whatever I want and you'll like it.
It's amazing how often the person doing it is another submissive, who will frequently have the same kink. One sub telling another that they're opinion is invalid because they are sometimes a little. And somehow it's become okay. It's okay to tell a friend something privately and for them to threaten to speak about it publicly. Cuz you're into embarrassment, so you like it when I threaten to tell your embarrassing secret, right?
Now, don't get me wrong, there is totally a time and place for all of this, but I'm speaking more to the friends who overstep. To the people who shame others as what, a joke? How on earth is it okay to say someone isn't really a submissive because you disagree with how they submit? How is it okay to brush aside someone's opinion because they're a little? It's as though they've watched an amazing impact scene, then once it's over they run over and hit the sub and laugh, cuz they must like it right?
It's ridiculous and when BDSM has so much potential for inclusion, it's a horrible to see the kink shaming. It's awful to be treated as though you're less than because of something that makes you feel awesome.
I don't share how I play. I'm very tired of people trying to use my kinks against me. Friends who try to shame me because of what I love. They might not even realize it. They're just teasing, lighten up! Lots of people are probably thinking that. Oh, I'm just teasing them, just kidding around.
Did you ever ask them if they were okay with it?
As time has gone by, I've become more involved. I go to classes, I volunteer, and I try to help new people that I meet. BDSM is inclusive, or it tries to be, and so many people are welcome. As long as your kink is done consensually and safely, BDSM will include you. The people might not, but people are people and everyone has opinions.
I've seen people called out for their kinks, told that they are doing it wrong or that someone else knows how to do it better. Hell, that's been done to me and I've probably done it to others without even realizing it.
I've never seen someone be told that doing impact is wrong or that humiliation is wrong or being a furry or fire play or chastity or boot blacking or so many other things. Sure, might not be your thing and someone might say that, but you're never told that you're wrong. You might have bad technique or they might view it as something else, but you're never just wrong.
I've been told that I'm not a good submissive because I'm a brat. That I'm subbing wrong or that someone can beat the brat out of me and then I'll be fixed. That I'll corrupt this new people because I'm a brat or that I'm too mouthy because I'm a brat.
It fucking sucks.
Now, the people saying it might not even realize they are hurting me. They are shocked at some of the things I want to do, and I'm shocked at some of the stories they share. We're all different.
I notice it much more online. I have several friends who do it, invalidate someone because of their kink, use a fetish as a way to put someone down. They probably don't even realize it's happening. Everyone gets pretty close, we tease and joke and play is much more fluid. But then someone will make a snide comment about your fetish or they'll embarrass you for something you are already a bit nervous about liking.
Lately, I haven't been sharing my play as much. Several people, including some good friends, make me feel less than them. You're a brat so you don't actually submit. You're into humiliation so I can call you whatever I want and you'll like it.
It's amazing how often the person doing it is another submissive, who will frequently have the same kink. One sub telling another that they're opinion is invalid because they are sometimes a little. And somehow it's become okay. It's okay to tell a friend something privately and for them to threaten to speak about it publicly. Cuz you're into embarrassment, so you like it when I threaten to tell your embarrassing secret, right?
Now, don't get me wrong, there is totally a time and place for all of this, but I'm speaking more to the friends who overstep. To the people who shame others as what, a joke? How on earth is it okay to say someone isn't really a submissive because you disagree with how they submit? How is it okay to brush aside someone's opinion because they're a little? It's as though they've watched an amazing impact scene, then once it's over they run over and hit the sub and laugh, cuz they must like it right?
It's ridiculous and when BDSM has so much potential for inclusion, it's a horrible to see the kink shaming. It's awful to be treated as though you're less than because of something that makes you feel awesome.
I don't share how I play. I'm very tired of people trying to use my kinks against me. Friends who try to shame me because of what I love. They might not even realize it. They're just teasing, lighten up! Lots of people are probably thinking that. Oh, I'm just teasing them, just kidding around.
Did you ever ask them if they were okay with it?
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