BDSM: Hiding From Society Part Two
This is the actual 'meat' of the paper. Just as a reminder/note for those who didn't read part one, Harris is an alias, as the person interviewed did not want his username shared, and whenever Drillsergeant is mentioned, this is actually Dravot.
Again, I ask all to remember that my resources of information came only from the 6 people interviewed.
Perhaps they agreed to this, as over the course of the interviews, which with private messaging lasted several days, trust was built between the interviewee and me; but the fact that they wanted to protect their online usernames in the first place, shows just how secretive the general people of this subculture wish to be, and with good reason.
I asked everyone I interviewed whether or not they would fear their job or future career if the general public discovered their interests in BDSM. Frosty, a female submissive and law student in the United Kingdom (UK), Ranzid, a Master who has “worked both in Government and Education sectors” in the UK, Gin a male dominant, who wishes to keep his career withheld, but who works with clients "Somewhere in old Europe", and, Harris, a Master who chose not to give any other information about his career or location, all felt their jobs or future careers would be jeopardized. Gin further explained that it isn’t his practicing license he would be afraid about at all. As someone who has clients, he feels that his BDSM interests would make him look imbalanced, so few people would want to be his client or his employer for that matter.
Not everyone in the BDSM culture has the same fears. According to two people interviewed, some jobs seem to be associated with more tolerance of BDSM activities. Thepainvain for example, a male switch aspiring to be an artist of “any kind” says that “[i]n such a field, a kinky side is an advantage, rather then a disadvantage.” Yet, no one in his offline life knows of his BDSM interests. LadyCeleste, a ‘Psychological’ Domme from the U.S., works in information technology, and she claims that several of her coworkers are interested in and participate in BDSM activities and/or the lifestyle. Of all the people interviewed, she was by far the most open respondent in terms of answers, as she was also the only person I was able to interview on a Skype call, rather than by private messaging. Her willingness to be interviewed over a voice chat, along with her openness about her activities in her offline life, seems to be an exception to the generally secretive population of the BDSM culture.
Four of the six had fears about the potential loss of their jobs or future careers. What about their personal lives? Do they at least share such an intimate detail about their life with their closest friends? LadyCeleste and Ranzid were the only two to ever openly let some of their close friends know of their interests. Ranzid, unlike LadyCeleste, is selective of who he chooses to tell, as some friends of his would be “morally outraged” if they knew. Frosty’s best friend discovered her interests by showing up at her door without prior notice. Once inside, the friend discovered lines Frosty had written as a punishment that her former Dom ordered her to write. This punishment is similar in, if not of the same, nature as to how a child would have to write lines in school or at home for misbehaving. Seeing the lines caused a fair amount of questioning to take place. Until that day, Frosty’s BDSM interests were the “only secret” she had ever kept from this friend. Frosty certainly had no intention of ever letting anyone in her offline life know of her BDSM interests. Not to her best friend, and certainly not to her future employer(s).
Why? What is it about BDSM that makes the people in the lifestyle so secretive? Is it the law? Is it the fear of having a poor public reputation? “Sadly,” Ranzid helped shed some light on this matter, “the general public still are to ignorant or ill-informed about the BDSM culture and so it would cause me to lose my job.”
What is it that the “general public” is ignorant about? Are there misconceptions people have regarding BDSM? Several interviewed had much to say on this matter.
I think many people have misconceptions about the..harsher..side of BDSM . For example, take a person who has completely no idea about BDSM and put them in a room where a scene is happening. I imagine they would be pretty horrified to see someone tied to a table or a pole etc and being flogged or whipped, and I assume they would find it very difficult if not impossible to comprehend that the sub is there willingly. (Frosty)
The only misconception Harris listed that he thinks people have is “that BDSM has to be brutal, cruel, [and] heartless. There's that side to it, to be sure, but most of the couples practicing BDSM are close, and trust each other selflessly. Some go even as much as to care for their partner, and nurture them. I know I do.”
Frosty focused more on the extreme aspects of BDSM when talking about misconceptions of the general public. Harris lightly touched on that as well, but made it a point to explain that there is often closeness, even with scenes such as the one Frosty started to paint.
Similar to Frosty’s response, Ranzid writes that people “on the outside” often imagine things such as “…weird rubber/whips/high heels… or the very extreme potentially life threatening situations that appear in the press,” when they think about BDSM. However, with mentioning this, he also countered this misconception, stating “… this ignores the vast majority of the BDSM community who engage in safe and relatively mundane aspects of the lifestyle…,” which have no risks or safety issues.
The general public doesn’t seem to see the safe and “mundane” aspects of BDSM, so their misconceptions often lead people interested in BDSM to search online, where they have anonymity, and easy contact with people in various locations of the world, rather than risking their reputations or careers locally. With the online culture of BDSM, several aspects are “relatively mundane,” when compared to the pictures the media helps paint. People in subculture who search, at least those who interact on getDare, don’t generally physically meet one another. So what do online participants of the BDSM culture do?
Simply put, they do what they want. Some like to just play and have fun. They let their “kinky side[s] out (Thepainvain).”
Gin loves to create dares for submissive girls upon request, which often include elements of vaginal stimulation, using various objects that the person requesting has available. In return for the effort Gin puts into creating his dares, he hopes to get reports from the subs explaining how they did the dare, the process and struggles they go through, and how they felt during and after the dare.
Frosty likes to play as well. Frosty is currently on a challenge where she needs to edge 1000 times before her next orgasm. Edging is where one gets themselves right near an orgasm, but stops just before it occurs. One of her likes listed on her signature on the forums is “orgasm control/denial. She has several rules to go along with this dare, one of which is to receive a special dare for each hundredth edge, and she has several rules she has to follow during this challenge, that others have given her, such as needing to have a small mouthful of pee in her mouth whenever she edges. While Frosty receives occasional dares from people, she has used the site to find people to help hold her accountable for things, such as her pregnancy weight. For this, she went to Drillsergeant, a dominant male figure whose alias greatly matches his personality, to give him the authority to punish her for each required workout she was supposed to do every week. One such punishment consisted of a strenuous workout, rotating between sit ups, standing up, toe touches, squats, and push-ups, while her head was covered in syrup, as messy things are included in her dislikes.
Harris, Thepainvain, and LadyCeleste are on the search for submissives for an online relationship. They want to find someone to serve their sexual and “psychological” needs, as they all enjoy having control over willing participants. In general, all three love it when they can connect with a submissive and get them to hand over trust of their lives, to whatever extent the submissive allows. They all have their own kinks, or turn ons. For example, during the interviews, Harris mentioned he enjoys having clothing control over the girls who serve him. LadyCeleste likes to use psychology to make her subs crave their likes, and want to change their behavior in order to gain her rewards, as well as fear her statement “you have disappointed me,” when they have broken her trust or rules.
.
While people in the culture of BDSM often need to be secretive about their life, for various reasons, there is at least, the internet. getDare is only one of many online communities that people of the BDSM lifestyle turn to for their kinks and releases. The things mentioned in this essay hardly begin to scratch the surface of how members of the BDSM style live seemingly double lives, and where they turn to for release. There are several other avenues for the more adventurous people of the world, but for regular members of society to gather and “meet” one another around the world, the internet seems to be a pretty good place to do this and hide.
Again, I ask all to remember that my resources of information came only from the 6 people interviewed.
BDSM: Hiding From Society
Perhaps they agreed to this, as over the course of the interviews, which with private messaging lasted several days, trust was built between the interviewee and me; but the fact that they wanted to protect their online usernames in the first place, shows just how secretive the general people of this subculture wish to be, and with good reason.
I asked everyone I interviewed whether or not they would fear their job or future career if the general public discovered their interests in BDSM. Frosty, a female submissive and law student in the United Kingdom (UK), Ranzid, a Master who has “worked both in Government and Education sectors” in the UK, Gin a male dominant, who wishes to keep his career withheld, but who works with clients "Somewhere in old Europe", and, Harris, a Master who chose not to give any other information about his career or location, all felt their jobs or future careers would be jeopardized. Gin further explained that it isn’t his practicing license he would be afraid about at all. As someone who has clients, he feels that his BDSM interests would make him look imbalanced, so few people would want to be his client or his employer for that matter.
Not everyone in the BDSM culture has the same fears. According to two people interviewed, some jobs seem to be associated with more tolerance of BDSM activities. Thepainvain for example, a male switch aspiring to be an artist of “any kind” says that “[i]n such a field, a kinky side is an advantage, rather then a disadvantage.” Yet, no one in his offline life knows of his BDSM interests. LadyCeleste, a ‘Psychological’ Domme from the U.S., works in information technology, and she claims that several of her coworkers are interested in and participate in BDSM activities and/or the lifestyle. Of all the people interviewed, she was by far the most open respondent in terms of answers, as she was also the only person I was able to interview on a Skype call, rather than by private messaging. Her willingness to be interviewed over a voice chat, along with her openness about her activities in her offline life, seems to be an exception to the generally secretive population of the BDSM culture.
Four of the six had fears about the potential loss of their jobs or future careers. What about their personal lives? Do they at least share such an intimate detail about their life with their closest friends? LadyCeleste and Ranzid were the only two to ever openly let some of their close friends know of their interests. Ranzid, unlike LadyCeleste, is selective of who he chooses to tell, as some friends of his would be “morally outraged” if they knew. Frosty’s best friend discovered her interests by showing up at her door without prior notice. Once inside, the friend discovered lines Frosty had written as a punishment that her former Dom ordered her to write. This punishment is similar in, if not of the same, nature as to how a child would have to write lines in school or at home for misbehaving. Seeing the lines caused a fair amount of questioning to take place. Until that day, Frosty’s BDSM interests were the “only secret” she had ever kept from this friend. Frosty certainly had no intention of ever letting anyone in her offline life know of her BDSM interests. Not to her best friend, and certainly not to her future employer(s).
Why? What is it about BDSM that makes the people in the lifestyle so secretive? Is it the law? Is it the fear of having a poor public reputation? “Sadly,” Ranzid helped shed some light on this matter, “the general public still are to ignorant or ill-informed about the BDSM culture and so it would cause me to lose my job.”
What is it that the “general public” is ignorant about? Are there misconceptions people have regarding BDSM? Several interviewed had much to say on this matter.
I think many people have misconceptions about the..harsher..side of BDSM . For example, take a person who has completely no idea about BDSM and put them in a room where a scene is happening. I imagine they would be pretty horrified to see someone tied to a table or a pole etc and being flogged or whipped, and I assume they would find it very difficult if not impossible to comprehend that the sub is there willingly. (Frosty)
The only misconception Harris listed that he thinks people have is “that BDSM has to be brutal, cruel, [and] heartless. There's that side to it, to be sure, but most of the couples practicing BDSM are close, and trust each other selflessly. Some go even as much as to care for their partner, and nurture them. I know I do.”
Frosty focused more on the extreme aspects of BDSM when talking about misconceptions of the general public. Harris lightly touched on that as well, but made it a point to explain that there is often closeness, even with scenes such as the one Frosty started to paint.
Similar to Frosty’s response, Ranzid writes that people “on the outside” often imagine things such as “…weird rubber/whips/high heels… or the very extreme potentially life threatening situations that appear in the press,” when they think about BDSM. However, with mentioning this, he also countered this misconception, stating “… this ignores the vast majority of the BDSM community who engage in safe and relatively mundane aspects of the lifestyle…,” which have no risks or safety issues.
The general public doesn’t seem to see the safe and “mundane” aspects of BDSM, so their misconceptions often lead people interested in BDSM to search online, where they have anonymity, and easy contact with people in various locations of the world, rather than risking their reputations or careers locally. With the online culture of BDSM, several aspects are “relatively mundane,” when compared to the pictures the media helps paint. People in subculture who search, at least those who interact on getDare, don’t generally physically meet one another. So what do online participants of the BDSM culture do?
Simply put, they do what they want. Some like to just play and have fun. They let their “kinky side[s] out (Thepainvain).”
Gin loves to create dares for submissive girls upon request, which often include elements of vaginal stimulation, using various objects that the person requesting has available. In return for the effort Gin puts into creating his dares, he hopes to get reports from the subs explaining how they did the dare, the process and struggles they go through, and how they felt during and after the dare.
Frosty likes to play as well. Frosty is currently on a challenge where she needs to edge 1000 times before her next orgasm. Edging is where one gets themselves right near an orgasm, but stops just before it occurs. One of her likes listed on her signature on the forums is “orgasm control/denial. She has several rules to go along with this dare, one of which is to receive a special dare for each hundredth edge, and she has several rules she has to follow during this challenge, that others have given her, such as needing to have a small mouthful of pee in her mouth whenever she edges. While Frosty receives occasional dares from people, she has used the site to find people to help hold her accountable for things, such as her pregnancy weight. For this, she went to Drillsergeant, a dominant male figure whose alias greatly matches his personality, to give him the authority to punish her for each required workout she was supposed to do every week. One such punishment consisted of a strenuous workout, rotating between sit ups, standing up, toe touches, squats, and push-ups, while her head was covered in syrup, as messy things are included in her dislikes.
Harris, Thepainvain, and LadyCeleste are on the search for submissives for an online relationship. They want to find someone to serve their sexual and “psychological” needs, as they all enjoy having control over willing participants. In general, all three love it when they can connect with a submissive and get them to hand over trust of their lives, to whatever extent the submissive allows. They all have their own kinks, or turn ons. For example, during the interviews, Harris mentioned he enjoys having clothing control over the girls who serve him. LadyCeleste likes to use psychology to make her subs crave their likes, and want to change their behavior in order to gain her rewards, as well as fear her statement “you have disappointed me,” when they have broken her trust or rules.
.
While people in the culture of BDSM often need to be secretive about their life, for various reasons, there is at least, the internet. getDare is only one of many online communities that people of the BDSM lifestyle turn to for their kinks and releases. The things mentioned in this essay hardly begin to scratch the surface of how members of the BDSM style live seemingly double lives, and where they turn to for release. There are several other avenues for the more adventurous people of the world, but for regular members of society to gather and “meet” one another around the world, the internet seems to be a pretty good place to do this and hide.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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although...I hate you right now for abusing my wall, its really nice work you did there and I loved your effort
Posted 09-09-2012 at 06:41 PM by owneed 
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Kudos to you on writing a paper on this subject, as I know I would never be brave enough to do that for academic purposes. I think for me however, bdsm I hide because in my circle of friends have no idea what it is or because it's different than plain vanilla. What's also said is that some of these misconceptions (ex: bdsm has to be brutal) are present on this site. Hopefully some people who think that will read this.Posted 09-10-2012 at 07:21 AM by Komodo Jones
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Yay. This girl is in print. Woohoo.
hahaha. Seriously, Lover, you did an excellent job on this and this girl thourougly enjoyed ALL the questions you put to her, both those listed in the paper and the ones unlisted!Posted 09-10-2012 at 09:43 AM by IceMaiden
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Yea, when I asked my teacher if it would be okay to write on this, he said absolutely. When I told him I'd keep the sexual details out of it, he questioned why, hahaha.
But seriously, I probably could have chosen a few different focuses with my 30 pages of interview notes, as there were a LOT of other questions asked not even included in this paper and other aspects.
And, I want to give a special thanks to all those who were interviewed. I don't think I would have gotten so involved with gD without it, and I learned a LOT myself during the interviews! So thank you, Frosty, 'Harris,' Gin, Thepainvain, Ranzid, and LadyCeleste, and also to Dravot for letting me say who "Drillsergeant" really is to those on gD
Posted 09-10-2012 at 03:44 PM by Rose_Angel
