Fiction: The Locker Room

kenshi46 · 07-13-2009, 08:24 AM

*Lunch Bell Rings*

Lunch was now over... I needed to head to Physical Education..

When I arrived, I realized I was the first one to arrive. I pulled off my shirt revealing my rather ''toned'' stomach and then removed my pants, leaving me only in my small red and gray briefs.

Still alone.

At this point, lots of ideas were coming to me. I finally decided that I would do an extremely risky one.

I would remove my briefs and lock all my clothes in a locker. Then I would masturbate until I came all over my chest, only then would I then return to get my clothes.

And so, I put my thumbs in the waistband of my briefs, hesitated a little but ended up pulling them down. I took all my clothes put them in my locker and locked it with a 4 digit lock (I knew the combination).

I could feel my heart beat racing... anyone could enter at anytime and see me...

I sat on the bench and started stroking my dick. I started quite slowly and then went faster and faster. I could feel I was near an orgasm. I went really fast and then came all over my chest...

As I lifted my head I noticed a boy from my class was watching me.

He got near me and whispered in my ear

Slenderman - Doctor · 07-13-2009, 08:32 AM

The idea is cool. My only suggestion would be to try and add more detail and slow it down. Introduce us to the character so we can put ourselves in his shoes. But apart from that, nice introduction

maxim · 07-13-2009, 08:56 AM

Ya and don't just leave us hanging with no more information...

Slenderman - Doctor · 07-13-2009, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xdares

Ya and don't just leave us hanging with no more information...

I believe that's called a cliffhanger

and this one works because you've just proved you want to know more

callofduty4 · 07-17-2009, 07:48 PM

ru going to reply more

interesting · 07-17-2009, 08:28 PM

As cliffhangers go, it's a good one, but I think it's badly handled. You don't end an idea just before someone is about to speak. Kenshi should have skipped the entire last sentence, ending with someone watching the main character.

Speaking of him, who is he? Inquisitive minds cannot be content with the little information that is provided to us. This is not a work of Jacques Derrida or Ernest Hemingway. We need more if we're going to get sucked into this story.

There's such a thing as too much and not enough detail at the same time. Here are two examples.

Not enough: At this point, lots of ideas were coming to me. I finally decided that I would do an extremely risky one
- Really? What ideas? If you're going to say you have lots of ideas, you need to list them, or at least a few to give an idea of what the character is thinking.

Too much: I took all my clothes put them in my locker and locked it with a 4 digit lock (I knew the combination).
- Who doesn't know the combination to their own locker? It's pointless to specify that last part as it adds nothing to the story, and seems rather obvious.

A good start, regardless of my comments. Build up a bit more suspense, and work in more details and more text within a post. Keep going, I think people will enjoy this one.

glue · 07-18-2009, 08:45 AM

this is really good and you should feel confident to continue

8/10

Yossarian42 · 07-20-2009, 07:25 PM

Tis a good story indeed

Yossarian42 · 07-31-2009, 06:47 PM

If your going to leave it at that, I revoke my previous statement

maxim · 07-31-2009, 07:09 PM

They probaly won't write more!

glue · 08-01-2009, 03:26 AM

i would have to agree, great start then .............................

more sotries like this though would be fab

maxim · 08-01-2009, 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Koquillion

I believe that's called a cliffhanger

and this one works because you've just proved you want to know more

What I ment was not posting anymore like ge is doing right now dav!

07-13-2009, 08:24 AM	#1
kenshi46 Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 47	The Locker Room Lunch Bell Rings Lunch was now over... I needed to head to Physical Education.. When I arrived, I realized I was the first one to arrive. I pulled off my shirt revealing my rather ''toned'' stomach and then removed my pants, leaving me only in my small red and gray briefs. Still alone. At this point, lots of ideas were coming to me. I finally decided that I would do an extremely risky one. I would remove my briefs and lock all my clothes in a locker. Then I would masturbate until I came all over my chest, only then would I then return to get my clothes. And so, I put my thumbs in the waistband of my briefs, hesitated a little but ended up pulling them down. I took all my clothes put them in my locker and locked it with a 4 digit lock (I knew the combination). I could feel my heart beat racing... anyone could enter at anytime and see me... I sat on the bench and started stroking my dick. I started quite slowly and then went faster and faster. I could feel I was near an orgasm. I went really fast and then came all over my chest... As I lifted my head I noticed a boy from my class was watching me. He got near me and whispered in my ear __________________ Please leave comments!

07-13-2009, 08:56 AM	#3
maxim Account Banned Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: UNITED STATES Posts: 1,121 Blog Entries: 33	Ya and don't just leave us hanging with no more information... __________________ [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

07-17-2009, 08:28 PM	#6
interesting getDare Succubus Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Somewhere between here and there, in Quebec, Canada... Posts: 1,662 Blog Entries: 27	As cliffhangers go, it's a good one, but I think it's badly handled. You don't end an idea just before someone is about to speak. Kenshi should have skipped the entire last sentence, ending with someone watching the main character. Speaking of him, who is he? Inquisitive minds cannot be content with the little information that is provided to us. This is not a work of Jacques Derrida or Ernest Hemingway. We need more if we're going to get sucked into this story. There's such a thing as too much and not enough detail at the same time. Here are two examples. Not enough: At this point, lots of ideas were coming to me. I finally decided that I would do an extremely risky one - Really? What ideas? If you're going to say you have lots of ideas, you need to list them, or at least a few to give an idea of what the character is thinking. Too much: I took all my clothes put them in my locker and locked it with a 4 digit lock (I knew the combination). - Who doesn't know the combination to their own locker? It's pointless to specify that last part as it adds nothing to the story, and seems rather obvious. A good start, regardless of my comments. Build up a bit more suspense, and work in more details and more text within a post. Keep going, I think people will enjoy this one. __________________ You can visit my erotic stories website at: interestinglifestories.weebly.com This link can get you to all of my stories on this site as well: *Blog for my GD stories*

07-18-2009, 08:45 AM	#7
glue Distinguished Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Oxford, UK Posts: 735 Blog Entries: 6	this is really good and you should feel confident to continue 8/10 __________________ WATCH OUT FOR A GLUE RATING OUT OF TEN glue would like to tell everyone reading this to stay sticky as life is to short to become unstuck I'm the Simon Cowell of GetDare Please add me at: Skype: Glue101 8 Years On Getdare!!!!!!

07-20-2009, 07:25 PM	#8
Yossarian42 Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 8	Tis a good story indeed __________________ 01001001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01111001 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001

07-13-2009, 08:32 AM	#2
Slenderman - Doctor Truth or Dare Zealot Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 6,760	The idea is cool. My only suggestion would be to try and add more detail and slow it down. Introduce us to the character so we can put ourselves in his shoes. But apart from that, nice introduction

07-17-2009, 07:48 PM	#5
callofduty4 Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: dont worry Posts: 76	ru going to reply more

07-31-2009, 06:47 PM	#9
Yossarian42 Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 8	If your going to leave it at that, I revoke my previous statement __________________ 01001001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01111001 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001

07-31-2009, 07:09 PM	#10
maxim Account Banned Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: UNITED STATES Posts: 1,121 Blog Entries: 33	They probaly won't write more! __________________ [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

08-01-2009, 03:26 AM	#11
glue Distinguished Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Oxford, UK Posts: 735 Blog Entries: 6	i would have to agree, great start then ............................. more sotries like this though would be fab __________________ WATCH OUT FOR A GLUE RATING OUT OF TEN glue would like to tell everyone reading this to stay sticky as life is to short to become unstuck I'm the Simon Cowell of GetDare Please add me at: Skype: Glue101 8 Years On Getdare!!!!!!