[Fiction] 1 night 3 boys

[hellboy78]

Me ( Percy):
Dark haired, 4 pack, 5’5 Green eyes, age 14

Danny:
Blonde hair, no pack, 5’3, Blue eyes, age 14

Brandon:
Dark hair, 6 pack, 5’5, hazel eyes, age 14

This is my first story so please give feedback. Thanks

Chapter 1

The bell rang signaling the end of classes. I walked to my locker and opened it. Danny, my best friend, came up to me and asked, “Hey, wanna come over and spend the night.”
“Sure, sounds great.”
“Ok, come over around 4:30”
“k See you there”
I went home, packed my bag, and walked to danny’s house. I was 30 minutes early but I’m sure he won’t care. So I when I got there I didn’t bother knocking and just entered. I walked down the hallway and opened the door to his room. Danny was sitting on his bed, completely naked, stroking his cock. I immediately shut the door while he scrambled for his pants. He came out and said,” sorry I wasn’t expecting you for another 30 minutes.”
“ No, I should’ve knocked.”
“yeah, whatever, so my parents are gone for the weekend so we can do whatever we want”
“ok so wanna watch tv”
“yeah sounds great” so we sat on his couch watching tv until the door bell rang.
“who’s that” I asked
“ oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I invited Brandon to.”
So he answered the door, and in walked Brandon, my crush. He was wearing a baseball hat, a muscle shirt, shorts an nike shoes. He sat down next to me and said hey. “ um, yeah um hi”
He always made me nervous. I became aware I was getting hard.
“ so, you guys wanna go swimming” Said danny
“Sure” I said
“yeah sounds good but we don’t have any swimsuits” Said Brandon
“ok you can borrow some of mine” Said danny
Danny only had one pair of trunks and a speedo, so I took the trunks and Brandon the speedo because he is skinnier. We all changed and walked to the pool deck. I jumped first, then Danny, then Brandon, who looked so hot with his perfect tan, his six pack, his tight speedo were I could just make out the outline of his dick. As he sent up a shock wave of water, I realized it was gonna be one good night.

[Saphir]

Hey :3

Interesting start! :3

Some general hints at what you could improve (haha, I have to give those often )

Linking of clauses:

I went home, packed my bag, and walked to danny’s house. I was 30 minutes early but I’m sure he won’t care. So I when I got there I didn’t bother knocking and just entered. I walked down the hallway and opened the door to his room. Danny was sitting on his bed, completely naked, stroking his cock. I immediately shut the door while he scrambled for his pants. He came out and said,

Writing like that, almost only with names and pronouns (I, he) makes it sound... clipped is the word I think.
You can start sentences with various words to give it more flow, as for example: Although, after, before, then, as, since, when, neither... nor, even though, ...
Aditionally you can use adverbs/adverbial phrases to start sentences, as e.g. aditionally, sometimes, at night, in the morning, at 6 o'clock, usually, almost, at sunset, ...
Last but not least, present participles (and past participles) can be used to start sentences: Walking down the street, Peter saw... ; Seeing ... he realized... Realizing that, he called his bro ; blablabla
(just some random examples)

Adding more details (verbs of communication for example), description of surrounding, items, feelings thoughts and things persons do while they interact, will make your story more interesting to read.

Looking forward to your next chapter :3

Love

[dirtylittleboy]

has a lot potential. keep up the work

[Kewai]

Saphir has already given you some really good tips (love you Saphir :3) If I had to say anything; Just try to slow it down and include more description. This has a lot of potential to be awesome!!!

I cant wait for more

[hellboy78]

I jumped first, then Danny, then Brandon, who looked so hot with his perfect tan, his six pack, his tight speedo were I could just make out the outline of his dick. As he sent up a shock wave of water, I realized it was gonna be one good night.


Chapter 2

Once it started to get dark we decided to get out of the pool. Once inside we ordered pizza and played Xbox till the pizza came. We ate then went to the basement and started to watch a movie. It got over at About half past midnight.
“ hey let’s play truth or dare” said Danny
“ok, what are the rules” I asked
“ it must stay in the basement, no pics or videos, and if you fail to do a dare you have to take two other dares from the other two players”
We agreed and began the game. It started with truths and few dares every once in a while. The truths were simple stuff like who do you like and have you kissed anyone . The dares were just as simple, lick the floor, eat ketchup and mustard mixed together. It went on like that until it was Danny’s turn.
“Brandon truth or dare.”
“ dare I guess”
“ok, I dare you to play the rest of the game naked” I was surprised by this dare.i guess Brandon was just as shocked because he didn’t respond right away. is
“um, ok” so Brandon stripped slowly. Once he got his underwear he stopped. Danny gestured for him to continue. So Brandon slid his boxers down and then quickly covered himself with a blanket.
“ok percy, truth or dare” he said.
“ um dare” was my response
“ ok, you have to strip to” I expected this so I took my clothes off and covered with a pillow.
“ok, how about we make this more interesting.” I said
They both responded “ how”
Since me and Brandon are already naked, danny you have to strip to, and we only do dares from now on.” Brandon agreed but Danny wasn’t sure what to think but he then stripped and covered with a pillow.
“ok, so Danny I dare you to stand up and not cover up”
Danny then glared at me but reluctantly got up and dropped the pillow. His dick was erect and about 5.5 inches. My own began to get hard and I had a feeling Brandon’s was to. Danny then sat back down and covered again.
“ ok Brandon, I dare you to , kiss my dick” whoa, I didn’t think Danny was gay but now I’m not sure.
“ no way” Brandon replied.
“ OK your punishment dare is to give me a full body massage with a happy ending” So Danny laid on his stomach and Brandon got to work on him. He started at the neck and worked his way down. Then, Danny flipped over, his erect dick in the air, and Brandon continued. Once he got to Danny’s dick he began to pump. After about 3 minutes Danny began to groan and then shot his load onto the floor.
“ And my punishment o you is to eat his cum” I said. So Brandon bent down and slurped it up.
“ok, my turn, percy I dare you to kiss danny’s dick.
I thought about my options and decided to take the dare. So I got on my knees and Danny stood up. My dick was erect and throbbing. I kissed the head of the cock and then sat down. “ ok, danny you have to let us blind fold you and lets do whatever we want with you for 10 minutes”
“fine”
So we wrapped his underwear around his eyes, then Brandon gagged him.
“ ok start the clock” I said

[drawde]

Sexy story so far. Awesome job.

[dirtylittleboy]

keep going its getting good

[Saphir]

Hey hellboy

You should continue I think you got better already.

You can still add a lot more information, especially in this point... "We agreed and began the game. It started with truths and few dares every once in a while. The truths were simple stuff like who do you like and have you kissed anyone . The dares were just as simple, lick the floor, eat ketchup and mustard mixed together. It went on like that until it was Danny’s turn."

Of course it's not as hot or important, but I think it's very important to tell some not so important stuff which just happens and also some random detail along, to actually make a story special and interesting. It's like cooking. If you have some meat then you should not forget to flavor, even tho the meat is the important part to get you unhungry.

But yeah, you have improved on the thing with sentence linking, as far as I can see.

Did you read other stories on here? Which one? Maybe it would help to look how exactly other authors write to take that what one likes about it and orientate on that. :3

Keep it coming :3

Love

[hellboy78]

thanks to everyone for the feedback.
my next post should come this weekend.
thanks especially to saphir for the tips

[Saphir]

you're welcome

feel free to pm me when you have any question about a paragraph from your next chapter or something. :3

Have fun writing your next chap :P





Check out my story! :P

[kinky]

Nice story! Shame it's fiction :P

[hellboy78]

“ ok, danny you have to let us blind fold you and lets do whatever we want with you for 10 minutes”
“fine”So we wrapped his underwear around his eyes, then Brandon gagged him.“ ok start the clock” I said

Chapter 3

Brandon started first. He began to bite Dannys nipples. Danny let out a groan. Then Brandon licked his neck and slowly worked his way down to Dannys dick. He began to lick around the base. He moved closer and closer to the shaft. He began to then lick around Dannys dick in a swirl. He then began to suck on it. He began then to pump his own cock. I decided to start so I inserted my dick in Dannys mouth and face-fucked him. While I did this Brandon stopped sucking and moved to the back side of danny. He inserted a finger in dannies asshole. He then began to slowly insert another and another. He then pulled them out inserted the tip of his cock, letting danny know what was about to happen. He the went in all the way and started to fuck danny. I then changed directions so we were 69ing while danny was also being fucked.we all began to groan then I shot my load. I told danny to swallow. When Brandon let out a sigh of relief I relized he had came to. Then all of a sudden a sweet, salty, gooey taste filled my mouth. I swallowed Dannys load and me and Brandon stopped. Now it was Dannys turn to dare Brandon and I knew it would be a hard one.
“ok, Brandon you now have to fuck percy “ he said with a grin
I was nervous as I laid down. I had never gone anal with someone before. Brandon then got on top of me. He slowly inserted his dick. I groaned as he began to pump, harder and harder each time. I began to moaned and groaned as he fucked me. I hated it, yet at the same time I couldn’t help but feel good and like it. I had always known I was gay. I just never pictured myself with another guy before. But now that I am being fucked, I realize, I cant picture myself without another guy. Brandon then withdrew after he came inside me.
“ ok lets change this game a bit, how about we play a game. Loser is dared by the other 2. Then the loser gets to pick the next game” Brandon said
“Sounds interesting, I’m game” said Danny. I agreed and Brandon picked the first game, Xbox. So we played call of duty. We played a ten minute round and winner was the person with most people killed.
I killed 23. Brandon 28. And danny 22. So danny lost. Brandon gave him the first dare. Walk around the block naked. So Danny walked outside, naked and walked down the sidewalk.


I got this in early so enjoy and thanks for your feedback

[Eagle eye]

I like the action, but a little more detail would be awesome! It would help make the chapters longer and slow it down a bit. Other then that great job!

[Saphir]

Hot

you rushed it a bit tho, you should take time to develop the chapter and add more details and maybe not let them cum and do stuff too fast. (Cause that makes it seem unreal)

Sorry for hard critism, yet I believe it's the only way to improve :3
Also I love picking texts apart... good exercise for my English lessons. :3

Brandon started first. He began to bite Dannys nipples. Danny let out a groan. Then Brandon licked his neck and slowly worked his way down to Dannys dick. He began to lick around the base. He moved closer and closer to the shaft. He began to then lick around Dannys dick in a swirl. He then began to suck on it. He began then to pump his own cock. I decided to start so I inserted my dick in Dannys mouth and face-fucked him. While I did this Brandon stopped sucking and moved to the back side of danny. He inserted a finger in dannies asshole. He then began to slowly insert another and another. He then pulled them out inserted the tip of his cock, letting danny know what was about to happen. He the went in all the way and started to fuck danny. I then changed directions so we were 69ing while danny was also being fucked.we all began to groan then I shot my load. I told danny to swallow. When Brandon let out a sigh of relief I relized he had came to. Then all of a sudden a sweet, salty, gooey taste filled my mouth. I swallowed Dannys load and me and Brandon stopped. Now it was Dannys turn to dare Brandon and I knew it would be a hard one.
“ok, Brandon you now have to fuck percy “ he said with a grin
I was nervous as I laid down. I had never gone anal with someone before. Brandon then got on top of me. He slowly inserted his dick. I groaned as he began to pump, harder and harder each time. I began to moaned and groaned as he fucked me. I hated it, yet at the same time I couldn’t help but feel good and like it. I had always known I was gay. I just never pictured myself with another guy before. But now that I am being fucked, I realize, I cant picture myself without another guy. Brandon then withdrew after he came inside me.
“ ok lets change this game a bit, how about we play a game. Loser is dared by the other 2. Then the loser gets to pick the next game” Brandon said
“Sounds interesting, I’m game” said Danny. I agreed and Brandon picked the first game, Xbox. So we played call of duty. We played a ten minute round and winner was the person with most people killed.
I killed 23. Brandon 28. And danny 22. So danny lost. Brandon gave him the first dare. Walk around the block naked. So Danny walked outside, naked and walked down the sidewalk.

I think your descriptiveness has improved!

You could improve your writing style if you try to use some more subordinate clauses (starting with conjunctions like before, after, as, since, while,... or relative pronouns (who, which, what)) and participles. (Gives your text a better flow)

How to give in more detail and elongate the situation?
Similar scene but only 60 seconds instead of 10 minutes:
http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthrea...964#post547964

If you have further questions or want me to read over something before you publish, feel free to pm me.

Love
Saphir

[daremaster 1]

Great! Can't wait for more!