--[[ More then Friends ]]--

kallumbj · 09-19-2012, 03:57 PM

New story, now I am NOT slacking this off, and I will be trying my best to get this right.

__________________________________________________ _______

More than friends...

Chapter 1

Kyle was strolling down the to the park all on his lonesome... When he spotted his friend, Jack, across the road, also walking on his own, looking both ways, Kyle ran across the road, and walked with Jack.
"Hey, Jack!" Kyle said.
"Hey." Jack replied.
They walked for ages, talking about school, and how bad their teachers were. They had litterally lost track of time and it was 2.00 p.m before they decided to walk home.
"Hey, Jack! D'ya wanna come stay round mine for the night?" Kyle asked Jack.
Jack nodded and said...
"Sure, I'll go get my stuff and get to you're house about... 2.40?" Jack said.
They agreed and they both walked their seperate ways home, when Kyle got home, he went upstairs and watched some T.V for a bit, waiting for 2.40 to roll on by. By the time 2.40 came, Kyle was comfortable on his bed, and couldn't be bothered to get up, but he had to... otherwise the door would stay closed and Jack would be sleeping on the doorstep. (How unfortunate :P). Opening the door, Kyle invited Jack inside, and they went upstairs to Kyle's room. Kyle's bedroom was fairly large, had it's own seperate Bathroom and toilet, and a 42 inch 3-D TV. Deciding on playing the Xbox 360 for awhile, they put in Grand Theft Auto: IV to play for a little while, while they were shooting, driving, killing, raping and hitting bitches on GTA, it was getting later and later and later... (Well, time does go fast whilst you're having fun)! Kyle said to Jack.
"Hey, Jack. What d'ya want for dinner?" he asked.
"Fuck all... I'm not hungry". He replied, with a smile.
To be honest - Kyle didn't feel very hungry... He just sat on the bed - and looked up into the ceiling.
"Oh! I have an idea! Do you wanna play Truth or Dare?" Kyle asked.
Jack nodded, Kyle got up and picked up a hat nearby and got several pieces of paper and wrote truths are dares on them.
"You first, man." Kyle said, Jack picked up a piece of paper... and read it aloud.
__________________________________________________ _______
There. First chapter.

kallumbj · 09-19-2012, 04:13 PM

"Kyle was comfortable on his bed, and couldn't be bothered to get up, but he had to... otherwise the door would stay closed and Jack would be sleeping on the doorstep. (How unfortunate :P)."

I love my sarcasm!

Saphir · 09-19-2012, 04:18 PM

More then friends. - than

Kyle was stroling down - strolling

spellcheck please

First of all keep going, I'd be interested in reading more.

I'm gonna point out some things that I think would improve the story:

add detail here:
- information to the persons / behaviour, look (indirect description both!)
- detail about room/game/etc. is goodish but could be put better in the way it is described. :3

replied/asked/said - there is more ways than that

Lemme know when you release the next chap

Love

kallumbj · 09-19-2012, 04:24 PM

HAY! YOU'RE CORRECTING MEH... Surely that's not right! >:O ;p
Thanks, man.

Saphir · 09-19-2012, 04:26 PM

Well I guess I'm well known for being a grammar/spelling nazi on here

At least among those who I write reviews for

And it's funny how then/than and such are more difficult to native speakers than to foreigners like me

Demon Thief · 09-19-2012, 11:18 PM

Kinda liking where this is going...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saphir

Well I guess I'm well known for being a grammar/spelling nazi on here

At least among those who I write reviews for

And it's funny how then/than and such are more difficult to native speakers than to foreigners like me

You got that right.

Abmp · 09-20-2012, 07:01 AM

Sounds cool, keep going

View Poll Results: You think...
The story is good, with good detail and timing	0	0%
The story is okay, with good detail, but timing could be improved	2	100.00%
Voters: 2. You may not vote on this poll

09-19-2012, 03:57 PM	#1
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	--[[ More then Friends ]]-- New story, now I am NOT slacking this off, and I will be trying my best to get this right. __________________________________________________ _______ More than friends... Chapter 1 Kyle was strolling down the to the park all on his lonesome... When he spotted his friend, Jack, across the road, also walking on his own, looking both ways, Kyle ran across the road, and walked with Jack. "Hey, Jack!" Kyle said. "Hey." Jack replied. They walked for ages, talking about school, and how bad their teachers were. They had litterally lost track of time and it was 2.00 p.m before they decided to walk home. "Hey, Jack! D'ya wanna come stay round mine for the night?" Kyle asked Jack. Jack nodded and said... "Sure, I'll go get my stuff and get to you're house about... 2.40?" Jack said. They agreed and they both walked their seperate ways home, when Kyle got home, he went upstairs and watched some T.V for a bit, waiting for 2.40 to roll on by. By the time 2.40 came, Kyle was comfortable on his bed, and couldn't be bothered to get up, but he had to... otherwise the door would stay closed and Jack would be sleeping on the doorstep. (How unfortunate :P). Opening the door, Kyle invited Jack inside, and they went upstairs to Kyle's room. Kyle's bedroom was fairly large, had it's own seperate Bathroom and toilet, and a 42 inch 3-D TV. Deciding on playing the Xbox 360 for awhile, they put in Grand Theft Auto: IV to play for a little while, while they were shooting, driving, killing, raping and hitting bitches on GTA, it was getting later and later and later... (Well, time does go fast whilst you're having fun)! Kyle said to Jack. "Hey, Jack. What d'ya want for dinner?" he asked. "Fuck all... I'm not hungry". He replied, with a smile. To be honest - Kyle didn't feel very hungry... He just sat on the bed - and looked up into the ceiling. "Oh! I have an idea! Do you wanna play Truth or Dare?" Kyle asked. Jack nodded, Kyle got up and picked up a hat nearby and got several pieces of paper and wrote truths are dares on them. "You first, man." Kyle said, Jack picked up a piece of paper... and read it aloud. __________________________________________________ _______ There. First chapter. __________________ Kallumbj Don't try to look for gold at the end of the rainbow, trust me, I've been wanting to find some since I was ten... and believe me.. the land of Leprechauns isn't so lucky. Unless you have a four leaf-clover. Also, proud to be bisexual! Last edited by kallumbj; 09-19-2012 at 04:25 PM.

09-19-2012, 04:13 PM	#2
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	"Kyle was comfortable on his bed, and couldn't be bothered to get up, but he had to... otherwise the door would stay closed and Jack would be sleeping on the doorstep. (How unfortunate :P)." I love my sarcasm! __________________ Kallumbj Don't try to look for gold at the end of the rainbow, trust me, I've been wanting to find some since I was ten... and believe me.. the land of Leprechauns isn't so lucky. Unless you have a four leaf-clover. Also, proud to be bisexual!

09-19-2012, 04:24 PM	#4
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	HAY! YOU'RE CORRECTING MEH... Surely that's not right! >:O ;p Thanks, man. __________________ Kallumbj Don't try to look for gold at the end of the rainbow, trust me, I've been wanting to find some since I was ten... and believe me.. the land of Leprechauns isn't so lucky. Unless you have a four leaf-clover. Also, proud to be bisexual!

09-20-2012, 07:01 AM	#7
Abmp Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 125	Sounds cool, keep going __________________ Likes: masturbation, very mild pain, Internet, Dislikes: pee, poo, family This is a basic likes and dislikes, I will try somethings just ask

09-19-2012, 04:18 PM	#3
Saphir getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 425	More then friends. - than Kyle was stroling down - strolling spellcheck please First of all keep going, I'd be interested in reading more. I'm gonna point out some things that I think would improve the story: add detail here: - information to the persons / behaviour, look (indirect description both!) - detail about room/game/etc. is goodish but could be put better in the way it is described. :3 replied/asked/said - there is more ways than that Lemme know when you release the next chap Love

09-19-2012, 04:26 PM	#5
Saphir getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 425	Well I guess I'm well known for being a grammar/spelling nazi on here At least among those who I write reviews for And it's funny how then/than and such are more difficult to native speakers than to foreigners like me