Not obedient girlfriend

msesi · 01-15-2017, 04:13 AM

Hi all.
I need some help regarding my "submissive" girlfriend.
The thing is she really likes some things (eg being spanked, tied, et cetera) and she get really submissive when I do that to her.
However, when I TRY to initiate an activity she does not like (which means, I do not initiate the activity, I just suggest it in some way), she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it.
Anyone willing to give some advice?
Or any ideas on how to deal with that?

MasterMichaelNY · 01-15-2017, 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by msesi

Hi all.
I need some help regarding my "submissive" girlfriend.
The thing is she really likes some things (eg being spanked, tied, et cetera) and she get really submissive when I do that to her.
However, when I try to initiate an activity she does not like, she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it.
Anyone willing to give some advice?
Or any ideas on how to deal with that?

Well give a example, of what you try to do, is it something that you like and she doesn't? If it is, you need to respect that. Now think, if she was the Dom, and forcing you to do something you didn't like, how would you act?

Just find you common kinks and play in that area, and just be happy together.

If you want to try something NEW, you have to talk it out with her, and see how see feels about it.

You don't bully girls to get your way. That's being a ass, not a Dom.

RiskyFlame · 01-15-2017, 04:45 AM

My advise to you is to talk to her about these activities. If she gets upset when you initiate these activities (whatever they include), then don't initiate them. Don't force her to do the activities with you.

If she says that she likes spanking and bondage, I wonder if she ever said this explicitly. If so, then this is a good first step for talking to her. Why does she like these things and would she be willing to try more?

So put otherwise, don't continue these activities unless she wants to as well. Tell her that you'd like to try some kinky stuff with her and only with her consent you can continue and try things.

EffyRegrets · 01-15-2017, 05:04 AM

Completely agree with Flame and Michael. The most important thing in BDSM is consent, so it's really important that you both talk and figure out what she likes and doesn't like.

Now because BDSM is about discipline and punishments, I think there is a need to distinguish between likes and dislikes, like I do in my sig, and that's what you need to do with her as well.

You'll use her likes when playing with her and having fun, but if she does something bad and you need to punish her, that's when you use her dislikes. It is important that dislikes are not pleasant, because otherwise what's the point?

So you have to find things that are not yet within her limits and she'd agree to do them, but are unpleasant for her.

Like you can see in my dislikes, drinking pee is on the list. I absolutely hate that, but I'm still willing to do it if I have to. My Master has punished me with that recently because I cummed without permission, I had to drink lots of my pee and I almost puked with every sip, it was awful and I really learned my lesson (very heavy spanking helped as well lol). I hate drinking pee but I did.

BUT, if my Master told me to eat my poo, which is one of my limits, I would't do it. And if he insisted and didn't respect that, we'd probably have to part ways. Which is what might soon happen to you.

So, tl;dr

LIKES - Funishment. What you do for fun.
DISLIKES - Punishment. When she does something bad, you have to punish her. It doesn't make any sense if the punishments are pleasant. If she's not up for that, I think BDSM is just not her thing.
LIMITS - What she won't ever do and you absolutely have to respect that.

msesi · 01-15-2017, 05:30 AM

Thanks for all the info. I know already most of the stuff. Limits, non-limits et cetera.

The thing is, she is new to bdsm and -kinda- so am I. And the bigger problem is that she gets upset when we talk about sex (I am still trying to figure out why).

MasterMichaelNY · 01-15-2017, 05:40 AM

It's the way your phase it. "However, when I try to initiate an activity she does not like, she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it."

That's saying, she tried it before, she has knowledge of it. It's not saying, When I discuss doing something with her, for the first time.

msesi · 01-15-2017, 05:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RiskyFlame

My advise to you is to talk to her about these activities. If she gets upset when you initiate these activities (whatever they include), then don't initiate them. Don't force her to do the activities with you.

If she says that she likes spanking and bondage, I wonder if she ever said this explicitly. If so, then this is a good first step for talking to her. Why does she like these things and would she be willing to try more?

So put otherwise, don't continue these activities unless she wants to as well. Tell her that you'd like to try some kinky stuff with her and only with her consent you can continue and try things.

Of course with her concept. What are you talking about?

I just do not know how to initiate talks about new activities? When? Where? Any ideas?

msesi · 01-15-2017, 05:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MasterMichaelNY

Well give a example, of what you try to do, is it something that you like and she doesn't? If it is, you need to respect that. Now think, if she was the Dom, and forcing you to do something you didn't like, how would you act?

Just find you common kinks and play in that area, and just be happy together.

If you want to try something NEW, you have to talk it out with her, and see how see feels about it.

You don't bully girls to get your way. That's being a ass, not a Dom.

I know what you are saying. But.
I am talking about new things. Things she does not really know if she likes. And I am not talking about "extreme" kinks.
And every time I ask her for something, she is always like "No". And after a short while, we do try it and she loves it.
I feel it is a shame. She can have much stronger orgasms if we try more.

msesi · 01-15-2017, 09:27 AM

To give you an example of her not "obeying".
She does not let me tie her in any way, unless I am fucking her with my dick while she is tied. I tied her and I wanted to play with her pussy (fingers, licking et cetera) and she was like "No".

Venus11235 · 01-15-2017, 09:49 AM

Perhaps she isn't submissive or interested in BDSM but just want a little spike when you have sex.
If she says no, it's not her not obeying but her expressing herself, and not wanting this.
You can still ask her gently why she doesn't want to be tied when you're not having sex. Perhaps she's too shy, but whatever the reason, you need to make her feel good and capable of trusting yourself before going further.

msesi · 01-15-2017, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Venus11235

Perhaps she isn't submissive or interested in BDSM but just want a little spike when you have sex.
If she says no, it's not her not obeying but her expressing herself, and not wanting this.
You can still ask her gently why she doesn't want to be tied when you're not having sex. Perhaps she's too shy, but whatever the reason, you need to make her feel good and capable of trusting yourself before going further.

And that is what confuses me? How can I found if she into bdsm stuff or if she just likes being more submissive during sex?
What I know is that she likes being orders around during sex. I feel like her mind blocks her from trying more things.

techiegirl · 01-15-2017, 01:46 PM

If she isn't ready then give her time to figure out if she is. There is zero point trying to do bdsm if she can't talk about it. She might like kinky things, but that doesn't make her a submissive or even mean she wants to be. Give her time to open up and be more comfortable with kink.

Wedgiebondagebabe · 01-15-2017, 04:36 PM

From what I am reading... She is not your submissive and you are not her dom. Bottom line. Period. With that being said.

She needs to come to what she wants on her own. You seem to not know why she does not want to talk about sex and this kind of thing. Maybe you should find the answer to that before assuming what what she is like. Honestly, it seems like you have a communication problem and not a misbehavior problem.

Secondly, CONSENT, CONSENT, and oh yeh, CONSENT. Whether you like it or not does not matter. If you force her into doing things she is not ready for or does not like, you risk the chance of ruining her mentally and emotionally. You risk the chance of abuse, rape, and molestation at a worse case scenario.

My advice? Slow the fuck down. (yes I said fuck, the situation demands it). You are forcing something on her that it does not sound like she wants. Also as someone who cannot even orgasm because their mind is shutting down and their body shuts down (yes I have cried over the fact I cannot orgasm and I have had emotional break downs over it), take my advice. Baby steps. If you try to push her mind into something she is not ready for, you can push her down the wrong road. BDSM is more than physical interaction. If you want to someday become her master, you need to understand more than her physical behaviors. You have to understand her on many levels so that when and if this becomes more serious you know how to handle a scene. I would recommend going through the blog section. Anything written by IceMaiden, Butterfly, Sir Sam, Sub.Lucy, Abusive Master, and a lot of other more known people on this site have some information that you can use AS A GUIDE to help guide how you want to shape your BDSM personality.

Also it might be a good time to figure out if your needs and wants align with hers. It sounds like you want more out of the kink relationship than she might want or want to experience. As listed above, talk to her. I cannot stress it enough. If she does close up and pull back, then let it be, but let her know that you just want to know so you don't force her into something she does not want. Also have her join this site. I would love to chat with her in PM if she is willing. Its different to hear things from girl to girl than talking to a significant other. It is scary telling someone what you want and don't want.

My last words on the matter. RESPECT HER wishes. If she says no, in the moment leave it at that. Later, you can ask her what she does not like about it in more detail. If she struggles to verbally state things, ask her to write it down as well. AS of right now, you are two equals in a relationship with equal say. No one has more control over one than the other. Until you figure out where you stand together, kink and BDSM will not happen smoothly.

msesi · 01-16-2017, 02:20 AM

I do not know why everyone who replied thinks I am abusing her somehow. In my original post I say:
"However, when I try to initiate an activity she does not like, she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it."
I am not saying that then I tie her down and rape her. Or do things she does not like. Or anything without her consent. I do not know why everyone replied to me in such way.

So.

To make things quite clear.

First of all, thank you all for the answers. Some people helped me more with their words, some did not, but thank you all.

From what I have read in your replies, I figured out that I must slow down. Things are going very well in our sex life which is somehow constantly evolving and I guess that is why I am really excited about what is about to come. I am going to slow down. I got that. I was thinking about that.

What you did not understand from my posts above, is not that I want to do something to her that she does not like.

What I am saying is that I am looking for the best way to try with her (WITH HER CONSENT, OF COURSE) more things. As someone said I should try to find what is causing her behavior to be like this. I am sure the problem is mental. Something is blocking her mind somehow, and my best guess is that it has to do with her family/religion.

By the way, she had her first orgasm 2 days ago. At a day I denied her to touch my cock and I did not fuck her at all that day. So... She orgasmed while I was playing with her pussy.

So, to sum it up people.

What I am looking for, is a way to make her have more orgasms. Stronger orgasms. More fun in general. And I feel that she somehow denies me that, by not being open to new things. I DO respect that and I am just gonna take it easy I guess and see where it goes.

01-15-2017, 04:13 AM	#1
msesi Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2017 Posts: 22	Not obedient girlfriend Hi all. I need some help regarding my "submissive" girlfriend. The thing is she really likes some things (eg being spanked, tied, et cetera) and she get really submissive when I do that to her. However, when I TRY to initiate an activity she does not like (which means, I do not initiate the activity, I just suggest it in some way), she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it. Anyone willing to give some advice? Or any ideas on how to deal with that? Last edited by msesi; 01-17-2017 at 03:59 AM.

01-15-2017, 05:04 AM	#4
EffyRegrets Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2015 Location: London Posts: 152 Blog Entries: 1	Completely agree with Flame and Michael. The most important thing in BDSM is consent, so it's really important that you both talk and figure out what she likes and doesn't like. Now because BDSM is about discipline and punishments, I think there is a need to distinguish between likes and dislikes, like I do in my sig, and that's what you need to do with her as well. You'll use her likes when playing with her and having fun, but if she does something bad and you need to punish her, that's when you use her dislikes. It is important that dislikes are not pleasant, because otherwise what's the point? So you have to find things that are not yet within her limits and she'd agree to do them, but are unpleasant for her. Like you can see in my dislikes, drinking pee is on the list. I absolutely hate that, but I'm still willing to do it if I have to. My Master has punished me with that recently because I cummed without permission, I had to drink lots of my pee and I almost puked with every sip, it was awful and I really learned my lesson (very heavy spanking helped as well lol). I hate drinking pee but I did. BUT, if my Master told me to eat my poo, which is one of my limits, I would't do it. And if he insisted and didn't respect that, we'd probably have to part ways. Which is what might soon happen to you. So, tl;dr LIKES - Funishment. What you do for fun. DISLIKES - Punishment. When she does something bad, you have to punish her. It doesn't make any sense if the punishments are pleasant. If she's not up for that, I think BDSM is just not her thing. LIMITS - What she won't ever do and you absolutely have to respect that. __________________ Female \| 24 \| sub LiKES spanking, anal, dice dares, ice, bondage, nipple clamps, needles, edging, humiliation DISLIKES - PUNISHMENT drinking pee, breath play, heavy spanking, toothpaste, cold showers, mouthsoaping, corner time, kneeling, anything from LIKES if done too long/hard LIMIT scat, family, public, pics PM Dares

01-15-2017, 05:40 AM	#6
MasterMichaelNY Account Banned Join Date: Jan 2016 Location: Port St. Lucie, FL Posts: 3,327 Blog Entries: 20	It's the way your phase it. "However, when I try to initiate an activity she does not like, she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it." That's saying, she tried it before, she has knowledge of it. It's not saying, When I discuss doing something with her, for the first time. __________________ They say, there will be a special place in hell for me. That's right. I'll be constructing the new rides Kik, MasterMichaelNY Email, [email protected]

01-15-2017, 09:49 AM	#10
Venus11235 Member Join Date: Jan 2017 Posts: 58	Perhaps she isn't submissive or interested in BDSM but just want a little spike when you have sex. If she says no, it's not her not obeying but her expressing herself, and not wanting this. You can still ask her gently why she doesn't want to be tied when you're not having sex. Perhaps she's too shy, but whatever the reason, you need to make her feel good and capable of trusting yourself before going further. __________________ 26/F/Bi - Submissive Likes: Denial, humiliation, spanking, punishment, bondage, play. Dislikes : Nipples torture, ice, corner time, lines. Limits - Public, permanent, family & friend, scat, drinking urine. I have : dildo, rope, house items. Kik : Venus11235 MY AMA

01-15-2017, 01:46 PM	#12
techiegirl Distinguished Member Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Beneath the many eyes of Trell Posts: 587 Blog Entries: 91	If she isn't ready then give her time to figure out if she is. There is zero point trying to do bdsm if she can't talk about it. She might like kinky things, but that doesn't make her a submissive or even mean she wants to be. Give her time to open up and be more comfortable with kink. __________________ 21~F~Brat Likes and Such [23:52:04] RiskyFlame: techiegirl is very real #modapproved

01-15-2017, 04:45 AM	#3
RiskyFlame Longtime User Join Date: Mar 2014 Posts: 3,292 Blog Entries: 17	My advise to you is to talk to her about these activities. If she gets upset when you initiate these activities (whatever they include), then don't initiate them. Don't force her to do the activities with you. If she says that she likes spanking and bondage, I wonder if she ever said this explicitly. If so, then this is a good first step for talking to her. Why does she like these things and would she be willing to try more? So put otherwise, don't continue these activities unless she wants to as well. Tell her that you'd like to try some kinky stuff with her and only with her consent you can continue and try things.

01-15-2017, 05:30 AM	#5
msesi Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2017 Posts: 22	Thanks for all the info. I know already most of the stuff. Limits, non-limits et cetera. The thing is, she is new to bdsm and -kinda- so am I. And the bigger problem is that she gets upset when we talk about sex (I am still trying to figure out why).

01-15-2017, 09:27 AM	#9
msesi Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2017 Posts: 22	To give you an example of her not "obeying". She does not let me tie her in any way, unless I am fucking her with my dick while she is tied. I tied her and I wanted to play with her pussy (fingers, licking et cetera) and she was like "No".

01-15-2017, 04:36 PM	#13
Wedgiebondagebabe getDare Addict Join Date: Feb 2016 Location: Dante's seventh circle, ring 2 Posts: 2,072 Blog Entries: 51	From what I am reading... She is not your submissive and you are not her dom. Bottom line. Period. With that being said. She needs to come to what she wants on her own. You seem to not know why she does not want to talk about sex and this kind of thing. Maybe you should find the answer to that before assuming what what she is like. Honestly, it seems like you have a communication problem and not a misbehavior problem. Secondly, CONSENT, CONSENT, and oh yeh, CONSENT. Whether you like it or not does not matter. If you force her into doing things she is not ready for or does not like, you risk the chance of ruining her mentally and emotionally. You risk the chance of abuse, rape, and molestation at a worse case scenario. My advice? Slow the fuck down. (yes I said fuck, the situation demands it). You are forcing something on her that it does not sound like she wants. Also as someone who cannot even orgasm because their mind is shutting down and their body shuts down (yes I have cried over the fact I cannot orgasm and I have had emotional break downs over it), take my advice. Baby steps. If you try to push her mind into something she is not ready for, you can push her down the wrong road. BDSM is more than physical interaction. If you want to someday become her master, you need to understand more than her physical behaviors. You have to understand her on many levels so that when and if this becomes more serious you know how to handle a scene. I would recommend going through the blog section. Anything written by IceMaiden, Butterfly, Sir Sam, Sub.Lucy, Abusive Master, and a lot of other more known people on this site have some information that you can use AS A GUIDE to help guide how you want to shape your BDSM personality. Also it might be a good time to figure out if your needs and wants align with hers. It sounds like you want more out of the kink relationship than she might want or want to experience. As listed above, talk to her. I cannot stress it enough. If she does close up and pull back, then let it be, but let her know that you just want to know so you don't force her into something she does not want. Also have her join this site. I would love to chat with her in PM if she is willing. Its different to hear things from girl to girl than talking to a significant other. It is scary telling someone what you want and don't want. My last words on the matter. RESPECT HER wishes. If she says no, in the moment leave it at that. Later, you can ask her what she does not like about it in more detail. If she struggles to verbally state things, ask her to write it down as well. AS of right now, you are two equals in a relationship with equal say. No one has more control over one than the other. Until you figure out where you stand together, kink and BDSM will not happen smoothly. __________________ 23/F/Switch/Straight If you want to chat, send me a pm Happily engaged! My Likes & Limits: My AMA My Human Sex Map My BDSM Test Results This needs to end I am NOT looking for a dom or sub at this time Please do not send me PM messages asking for tasks, dares, games, or forfeits

01-16-2017, 02:20 AM	#14
msesi Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2017 Posts: 22	I do not know why everyone who replied thinks I am abusing her somehow. In my original post I say: "However, when I try to initiate an activity she does not like, she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it." I am not saying that then I tie her down and rape her. Or do things she does not like. Or anything without her consent. I do not know why everyone replied to me in such way. So. To make things quite clear. First of all, thank you all for the answers. Some people helped me more with their words, some did not, but thank you all. From what I have read in your replies, I figured out that I must slow down. Things are going very well in our sex life which is somehow constantly evolving and I guess that is why I am really excited about what is about to come. I am going to slow down. I got that. I was thinking about that. What you did not understand from my posts above, is not that I want to do something to her that she does not like. What I am saying is that I am looking for the best way to try with her (WITH HER CONSENT, OF COURSE) more things. As someone said I should try to find what is causing her behavior to be like this. I am sure the problem is mental. Something is blocking her mind somehow, and my best guess is that it has to do with her family/religion. By the way, she had her first orgasm 2 days ago. At a day I denied her to touch my cock and I did not fuck her at all that day. So... She orgasmed while I was playing with her pussy. So, to sum it up people. What I am looking for, is a way to make her have more orgasms. Stronger orgasms. More fun in general. And I feel that she somehow denies me that, by not being open to new things. I DO respect that and I am just gonna take it easy I guess and see where it goes.