Establishing control

[un-sean]

I had always considered myself as submissive but now have an appreciation of having a sub under me.

I am inexperienced in both roles, and clearly am not a natural dominant seeing as I have to ask about this stuff.. but I do believe you can achieve anything with hard work and practice.

My question is: what can one do or say to establish control over a slave's mind? Put "the fear" in them if you will. Especially during initial contact. I am more talking about in person than online. A challenge I face is that I am not too tall or physically imposing, so I am looking for techniques or tricks if you will, that will communicate to whomever I am ordering that they are indeed under my control, despite my size.

I hope the question is clear, I can elaborate if you need to know anything else! Hearing from experienced Masters' answers will help all of us new to the game I'm sure.

NB: slaves may want to stop reading so as not to destroy any illusions.

[LilAngel]

This is a shorter reply but I'll give a longer one after a few more people respond if necessary.

First of all, a natural dominant does not necessarily mean you can't ask questions. A lot of submissives end up as full time dominants because thats what they're... meant to be.

Being... domineering is made up of a few things. Confidence, respect, and a relationship built upon mutual understanding. What I mean is, know what you're doing at all times. Say what you want, but at the same time, ask questions. It will not make you 'lose control' over the submissive. The typical porn-style dominants aren't actually tall. (And no, I do not watch porn. Ew.) A lot of experienced tops can tell you things like... look her in the eye. Make her keep her eyes on the ground. Or other stuff like... don't talk as much, only when you need to and the infamous: speak louder.

No, you do NOT need to disguise your voice, create a name like Master Xtrem. It just makes you look silly. If you feel the need to maintain your anonymity however, then that's a different matter. You don't need to chuck them across the room, throw them on the ground or beat the f*** out of them to make them feel 'controlled'. That 'tone' or 'feel' you hear about online and in books is a fragment of your imagination. Believe me, if you keep a girl feeling loved, cherished, and aroused, she WILL feel like she's being engulfed by you.

I don't really know if I should be saying this, but, ask her about her day. DON'T 'force' her to do things. Ask for her permission every now and again, even if you know the answer. They'll feel a lot more 'powerless' when they realise that you're controlling their answers in a sense rather than forcing something upon them.

Remember: Sensually and respectfully. Lure it, don't feed it.

Edit: Everything still applies if it's a guy. It's very very VERY rare for anyone to not want to be loved. Even in polyamorous relationships. The way you see yourself and express yourself (and by this, I do not mean things you say, rather, WHY you say things and how you act in front of other people) is by far, one of the most important aspects of dominating someone.

[Lustat]

Originally Posted by un-sean

I had always considered myself as submissive but now have an appreciation of having a sub under me.

I am inexperienced in both roles, and clearly am not a natural dominant seeing as I have to ask about this stuff.. but I do believe you can achieve anything with hard work and practice.

My question is: what can one do or say to establish control over a slave's mind? Put "the fear" in them if you will. Especially during initial contact. I am more talking about in person than online. A challenge I face is that I am not too tall or physically imposing, so I am looking for techniques or tricks if you will, that will communicate to whomever I am ordering that they are indeed under my control, despite my size.

I hope the question is clear, I can elaborate if you need to know anything else! Hearing from experienced Masters' answers will help all of us new to the game I'm sure.

NB: slaves may want to stop reading so as not to destroy any illusions.

lets make a few things clear.. being a dominant is NOT, did I make this clear enough? N O T about making a sub / slave fear you. If your goal is to make someone FEAR you, than you need to see a psychiatrist... no no please I INSIST you go see one and try to sort your problems out.

as for the way you look, it has NOTHING to do with being dominant. Being dominant could be considered an attitude perhaps, but I think it's more of a presence. When you walk into a room, you dont want people to be afraid of you, you want them to respect you, and your sub. your sub shouldn't be cowering behind you, afraid that if doing or saying the wrong thing, she'll get punished. I cant believe I actually get to say this to another person but... what you need is a blow-up doll. this way it'll just lay there and never do anything wrong. tho... I'm starting to get the feeling that even a blow-up doll would develop emotions and try to find a way to run from you lol.

if you think fear is the solution, than you'll never be satisfied, you'll get one sub / slave to fear you, than get bored of her because she doesnt do anything fun / exciting mostly because SHE WOULD BE AFRAID!!!!

hmm... yea... I think your post hit a sour note with me and I'm just getting more annoyed as I type... I'll just leave it at this for now... but in my personal opinion... if fear is your goal, you shouldnt be a dominant / master / whatever you wanna call it...

[sleathered]

Establish that yr sub will always have to show respect by calling you sir or master.You of course may call her slave,bitch or slut as you use humilliation to remind her/him of their new status.
If the sub responds well to this then push the sub in other directions such as they have to ask for permission to cum.Or ask master what they may wear that day.

[un-sean]

@Lustat

It's not fair to impose your standards for a relationship onto others. I find it interesting that all responses so far have assumed that my slave will be female. I should have specified this but in fact it would be a male slave.

This is a reason why physical stature is important. If you think this is in no way a factor between men, you are not being realistic. I am asking for ways to overcome this.

You must appreciate that for a slave, fear is compelling. After limits have been set and trust established, a Master is free to play around with sanctioned activities. Some M/s relationships are more "lovey dovey" than others. I suspect your relationships are more like this. I respect that. Other relationships have more of an element of real, exciting danger. Not dangerous as in danger to one's health, but the suggestion of danger. You need to respect that other relationships have different dynamics.

Did you not notice I put "the fear" in quotation marks? This is because I wanted to avoid kneejerk responses like yours. Of course I don't want a slave to fear for their lives, but it is my opinion that roleplay is a lot more satisfying with an element of not knowing what to expect, and being fully immersed in one's role.

Personally when I am a slave I like to be kept guessing, and I know others crave this sense too. I would be interested to hear from others on this also.

[Lustat]

Originally Posted by un-sean

@Lustat

It's not fair to impose your standards for a relationship onto others. I find it interesting that all responses so far have assumed that my slave will be female. I should have specified this but in fact it would be a male slave.

lets start from the beginning lol...
1. I dont really see this as imposing my standards on you or anyone else for that matter. my biggest issue is with your interest in making someone afraid of you. I'm fully aware that lots of people have different fetishes, some that I dont understand, and some that I dont care to understand (scat for example, I find that quite disturbing but others like it lol).
2. I also made no assumptions as to if your slave was male or female. the fact that I always type in female instead of male / female isnt an assumption. it's a lazyness thing from my part. that and not caring to be politically correct.

Originally Posted by un-sean

This is a reason why physical stature is important. If you think this is in no way a factor between men, you are not being realistic. I am asking for ways to overcome this.

correction. your physical stature is still not important. it's an issue of respect. on a non bdsm related topic. how do you think it's possible that at the california superbike school (extra useless info insert. school run by a former motorcycle rider by the name of Keith Code and very good school), you have 13-16yr olds giving advice to adults of ages 25-50 ? think about that and how it relates to your "stature complex". your stature is not important. if it bothers you that much just wear some heels, or army boots, platform shoes, whatever lol.

Originally Posted by un-sean

You must appreciate that for a slave, fear is compelling. After limits have been set and trust established, a Master is free to play around with sanctioned activities. Some M/s relationships are more "lovey dovey" than others. I suspect your relationships are more like this. I respect that. Other relationships have more of an element of real, exciting danger. Not dangerous as in danger to one's health, but the suggestion of danger. You need to respect that other relationships have different dynamics.

you must appreciate the fact that 99.9% of the time, it's actually the slave that runs the show and controls the situation. sure he(wow I cought myself and said he instead of she lol. woot throw a party a miracle has happened lol), may not decide exactly what happens, but can end it at any time therefore having the final word in anything and everything.

Originally Posted by un-sean

Did you not notice I put "the fear" in quotation marks? This is because I wanted to avoid kneejerk responses like yours. Of course I don't want a slave to fear for their lives, but it is my opinion that roleplay is a lot more satisfying with an element of not knowing what to expect, and being fully immersed in one's role.

roleplay all you want, it's always fun. you probably wouldnt have had such a reply from me if you tied the word roleplay with all this. well.. maybe you still would have.... who knows lol...

Originally Posted by un-sean

Personally when I am a slave I like to be kept guessing, and I know others crave this sense too. I would be interested to hear from others on this also.

glad you know what you want, thats always important lol.

~Lustat

[Leopard]

Since there's only thank thread and not thank post, I thought I'd put in that I completely agree with Lustat - making your sub fear you should never, ever be something you aim for. Trust is incredibly important in any sort of relationship you want to last more than one session/night/date/hiking holiday.

Physical stature means absolutely nothing, other than possibly for first impressions; demeanour everything. It follows the same logic that you'd need to use force to make someone follow you. It's for clumsy amateurs only. A good dominant will give their submissive a look and they will know they are in trouble.

If you actually meant it only in roleplay terms - which I can't help with because I'm not interested in making anyone afraid of me - then you should clearly state that in the question. Doing otherwise only serves to give D/s a bad name.

[un-sean]

Mate, it's all roleplay.. I didn't think that needed to be stressed. In fact, it shouldn't.
This is not a kidnapping forum, it is a Master/slave forum and M/s are roles that we choose to play in our relationships.

You said yourself that physical stature makes an impact on first impression - PRECISELY! I am asking for HELP to overcome this. Not judgement. My question is not stupid and you and Lustat have both betrayed the cardinal rule of help forums which is that there are no stupid questions, etc. etc.

If you condone the tone in which Lustat replied to me, i.e. insisting that I go see a shrink and so forth, then I put you both in the same camp.

Constructive responses from now on please.

[LilAngel]

Can I just ask a question?

So you're roleplaying a slave/ master relationship rather than having a slave/master relationship and roleplaying yes?

[un-sean]

Originally Posted by LilAngel

Can I just ask a question?

So you're roleplaying a slave/ master relationship rather than having a slave/master relationship and roleplaying yes?

Yes. I have been in situations where it is only a one-off play session, and also long term relationships. The dynamics from one to the other are slightly different because you allow the trust to build over a longer time with the latter.

When it is just a one-off, in the situations I've been in, when the session concludes there's usually a break from character and there's a little debriefing, sometimes even a handshake after.

[EnigmaNZ]

LilAngle, a puzzle. Your obviously not 13 by the answers you give to some complex and adult questions. But you say your 13 on the various truth questionaires you answer.

[LilAngel]

Originally Posted by un-sean

Yes. I have been in situations where it is only a one-off play session, and also long term relationships. The dynamics from one to the other are slightly different because you allow the trust to build over a longer time with the latter.

When it is just a one-off, in the situations I've been in, when the session concludes there's usually a break from characyer and there's a little debriefing, sometimes even a handshake after.

So you're looking at having a scene with someone of your same gender and you find it difficult to execute the illusion of power over them?

Okay. In this case, little things like not letting them walk (so... crawling, kneeling, you name it), depriving them of their speech (so either you keep talking or just gag them), cum denial, not letting them look at you or alternatively, making them keep eye contact with you and even, contrary to popular belief, making them earn the right to call you Master.

A very popular method amongst pro-doms is stating the obvious. So the second you see them, you would address their attire, their facial feature, or in fact, find something, some tiny thing that they're doing 'wrong'.

Please note- if the submissive is experienced, they may have been trained to not treat you as their dominant, but rather just with respect until you have given them the signal/ words that the scene has actually started.

Originally Posted by EnigmaNZ

LilAngle, a puzzle. Your obviously not 13 by the answers you give to some complex and adult questions. But you say your 13 on the various truth questionaires you answer.

But I AM 13. Are you saying I have a big brain or something?

Argh. It's getting late and I'm starting to not make sense anymore.
Oh and enigma, I be 14 in 22 minutes.

[un-sean]

Thanks for getting this back on track LilAngel.

[EnigmaNZ]

This is a shorter reply but I'll give a longer one after a few more people respond if necessary.

First of all, a natural dominant does not necessarily mean you can't ask questions. A lot of submissives end up as full time dominants because thats what they're... meant to be.

Being... domineering is made up of a few things. Confidence, respect, and a relationship built upon mutual understanding. What I mean is, know what you're doing at all times. Say what you want, but at the same time, ask questions. It will not make you 'lose control' over the submissive. The typical porn-style dominants aren't actually tall. (And no, I do not watch porn. Ew.) A lot of experienced tops can tell you things like... look her in the eye. Make her keep her eyes on the ground. Or other stuff like... don't talk as much, only when you need to and the infamous: speak louder.

No, you do NOT need to disguise your voice, create a name like Master Xtrem. It just makes you look silly. If you feel the need to maintain your anonymity however, then that's a different matter. You don't need to chuck them across the room, throw them on the ground or beat the f*** out of them to make them feel 'controlled'. That 'tone' or 'feel' you hear about online and in books is a fragment of your imagination. Believe me, if you keep a girl feeling loved, cherished, and aroused, she WILL feel like she's being engulfed by you.

I don't really know if I should be saying this, but, ask her about her day. DON'T 'force' her to do things. Ask for her permission every now and again, even if you know the answer. They'll feel a lot more 'powerless' when they realise that you're controlling their answers in a sense rather than forcing something upon them.

Remember: Sensually and respectfully. Lure it, don't feed it.

Edit: Everything still applies if it's a guy. It's very very VERY rare for anyone to not want to be loved. Even in polyamorous relationships. The way you see yourself and express yourself (and by this, I do not mean things you say, rather, WHY you say things and how you act in front of other people) is by far, one of the most important aspects of dominating someone.

This and other answers aren't those of a 13yo. Plus your ozzie to boot, and us Kiwis know all about underhand ozzies lol

[LilAngel]

Originally Posted by EnigmaNZ

This and other answers aren't those of a 13yo. Plus your ozzie to boot, and us Kiwis know all about underhand ozzies lol

You (along with depp) can stop ganging up on a 14 year old and get back on topic.