Need advice regarding slave's limits

adiadiadi · 09-06-2022, 01:10 PM

Last month, a slave submitted to me after talking for some time. It was a great match, for instance, her likes and limits matched 100% with mine and we both enjoyed talking to each other. It was going great, we both were adapting to each other's likes and limits but some days later I wanted her to do something which she denied (it was one of the limits) but I couldn't understand why and ended up asking why she wouldn't do it. The task was kind of a grey area. Given her list of limits, some people may consider the task a limit while some people might not. I had given her a safe word and she had never used it which gave me an indication that this is not about limits rather there's some external factor like somebody in a different room might hear and hence it couldn't be done.

She elaborated on why it couldn't be done and it totally made sense because she interpreted my command differently, it was clearly a miscommunication but she was rude to me for the very first time, and I did not insist on doing the task. I told her to come near, told her to correct her tone, and then sent her back to continue with the session but I had lost her by then. I then tried to communicate over text to know what went wrong and how to make things better but she wouldn't listen at all. From what I could understand, there was a lot going on in her personal life that she wouldn't talk to me about because of privacy and I respected them and she was probably going through a sub-drop when this happened.

She said she really wanted to make it work but since I did not respect her limits, I cannot be her dom. This is bothering me a lot now, I have been into BDSM for a long time now, I have had hundreds of short-term and long-term partners but I have never been told that I did not respect my slave's limits. I always keep my notes where I have written about likes/kinks/limits of my slave and keep on improving the same as we proceed in the dynamic. I am currently in a self-doubt phase where I am not sure whether I am good enough to take ownership of another person. Please let me know if you have any suggestions for me and whether I should try to talk to her and make her understand that I did not mean to disrespect her limits or I should just forget about it and move on.

Thanks for reading this far!!

PS: I am somebody who doesn't have any haters in real life or virtual, just doesn't feel right to know that there's somebody out there who hates me for something I did unintentionally.

herpderp42 · 09-06-2022, 01:53 PM

Obviously just my personal opinion but you are asking for those after all: Judging by your story I do not think you have had any bad intentions and/ or unreasonable ideas but your actions weren't very carefully chosen and just did send a wrong message.

A limit is obviously a sensible subject for a task but I don't see any problem with asking the sub to explain (not justify!) the limit. In fact I do like to do it myself sometimes because it just gives insights that can be useful. Not only to play around those limits but even identifying other limits that weren't maybe listed.

In your message it soudns like you essentially did this during a play session and constructed a task working around the limit though. This is probably a bad timing to do so because you are technically still giving a task that is 'breaking' a limit.
If you do that outside of an active play and suggest the task and ask the sub for feedback it doesn't look like you are trying to force her into it.
Furthermore if you suggest the task during play and even if the sub doesn't react badly but still doesn't accept the task, the mood would suffer.

Lastly I do kinda understand that your sub should not have been rude but she was kind of justified in being it. In my eyes if you try to correct her behaviour immediately it looks like you didn't care much about trying to break her limit.
Priorizing to calm her down before seeing if and how the session can continue sounds like a more suitable approach to me. (But I can do see your approach being to correct her behaviour to be more correct from a stricter dom perspective.)

Well, again: I do not believe you had any bad intentions and I don't think you need to change yourself, just try to approach the topic of trying to work aroudn a limit more gently? You know that you don't want to actually break a limit of your sub but your sub can only TRUST that you don't want to.

tomasz.rodent · 09-06-2022, 02:38 PM

We come with tons of different experiences, we also have better and worse days. The life of dominant is not just not all roses. We take responsibility and some care of subs.

If you really didn't meant to break your sub limits - it is not a reason to stop play. Just take the experience and take something for yourself from it. Maybe you decide that some subs are just like that, maybe not to play with them on the bad days, maybe made them confirm task when it is in gray zone.

Be reasonable, care about sub, but have fun for yourself too.

At least that is my opinion

adiadiadi · 09-07-2022, 05:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by herpderp42

you essentially did this during a play session and constructed a task working around the limit though.

Thanks for your views. Just a correction, I didn't really construct a task around the limit. It just didn't come across my mind that it is related to her limit not even when she denied doing it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tomasz.rodent

The life of dominant is not just not all roses.

I wish my slave could understand the same.

Indianslave · 12-23-2022, 03:37 PM

It definitely sounds like a one sided story to me, I am a sub and I can relate to what your sub was going through at that time. If she has mentioned her limits and you keep giving tasks that does not respect the limits of your sub, then such a reaction is inevitable. I do not know the exact details of what happened but as a dom, you should not keep pushing at least not when it is a hard limit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by herpderp42

You know that you don't want to actually break a limit of your sub but your sub can only TRUST that you don't want to.

Rightly said, even if your intention was not wrong, your slave will not know about it. How will she know you are not trying to break her limits? maybe you were?

09-06-2022, 01:10 PM	#1
adiadiadi Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2021 Location: India Posts: 6	Need advice regarding slave's limits Last month, a slave submitted to me after talking for some time. It was a great match, for instance, her likes and limits matched 100% with mine and we both enjoyed talking to each other. It was going great, we both were adapting to each other's likes and limits but some days later I wanted her to do something which she denied (it was one of the limits) but I couldn't understand why and ended up asking why she wouldn't do it. The task was kind of a grey area. Given her list of limits, some people may consider the task a limit while some people might not. I had given her a safe word and she had never used it which gave me an indication that this is not about limits rather there's some external factor like somebody in a different room might hear and hence it couldn't be done. She elaborated on why it couldn't be done and it totally made sense because she interpreted my command differently, it was clearly a miscommunication but she was rude to me for the very first time, and I did not insist on doing the task. I told her to come near, told her to correct her tone, and then sent her back to continue with the session but I had lost her by then. I then tried to communicate over text to know what went wrong and how to make things better but she wouldn't listen at all. From what I could understand, there was a lot going on in her personal life that she wouldn't talk to me about because of privacy and I respected them and she was probably going through a sub-drop when this happened. She said she really wanted to make it work but since I did not respect her limits, I cannot be her dom. This is bothering me a lot now, I have been into BDSM for a long time now, I have had hundreds of short-term and long-term partners but I have never been told that I did not respect my slave's limits. I always keep my notes where I have written about likes/kinks/limits of my slave and keep on improving the same as we proceed in the dynamic. I am currently in a self-doubt phase where I am not sure whether I am good enough to take ownership of another person. Please let me know if you have any suggestions for me and whether I should try to talk to her and make her understand that I did not mean to disrespect her limits or I should just forget about it and move on. Thanks for reading this far!! PS: I am somebody who doesn't have any haters in real life or virtual, just doesn't feel right to know that there's somebody out there who hates me for something I did unintentionally.

09-06-2022, 01:53 PM	#2
herpderp42 getDare Addict Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Germany Posts: 2,485 Blog Entries: 10	Obviously just my personal opinion but you are asking for those after all: Judging by your story I do not think you have had any bad intentions and/ or unreasonable ideas but your actions weren't very carefully chosen and just did send a wrong message. A limit is obviously a sensible subject for a task but I don't see any problem with asking the sub to explain (not justify!) the limit. In fact I do like to do it myself sometimes because it just gives insights that can be useful. Not only to play around those limits but even identifying other limits that weren't maybe listed. In your message it soudns like you essentially did this during a play session and constructed a task working around the limit though. This is probably a bad timing to do so because you are technically still giving a task that is 'breaking' a limit. If you do that outside of an active play and suggest the task and ask the sub for feedback it doesn't look like you are trying to force her into it. Furthermore if you suggest the task during play and even if the sub doesn't react badly but still doesn't accept the task, the mood would suffer. Lastly I do kinda understand that your sub should not have been rude but she was kind of justified in being it. In my eyes if you try to correct her behaviour immediately it looks like you didn't care much about trying to break her limit. Priorizing to calm her down before seeing if and how the session can continue sounds like a more suitable approach to me. (But I can do see your approach being to correct her behaviour to be more correct from a stricter dom perspective.) Well, again: I do not believe you had any bad intentions and I don't think you need to change yourself, just try to approach the topic of trying to work aroudn a limit more gently? You know that you don't want to actually break a limit of your sub but your sub can only TRUST that you don't want to. __________________ Looking for a female sub

09-06-2022, 02:38 PM	#3
tomasz.rodent getDare Devil Join Date: Mar 2017 Location: Europe Posts: 1,141	We come with tons of different experiences, we also have better and worse days. The life of dominant is not just not all roses. We take responsibility and some care of subs. If you really didn't meant to break your sub limits - it is not a reason to stop play. Just take the experience and take something for yourself from it. Maybe you decide that some subs are just like that, maybe not to play with them on the bad days, maybe made them confirm task when it is in gray zone. Be reasonable, care about sub, but have fun for yourself too. At least that is my opinion __________________ 30 y.o. male dom/top from Europe (GMT+1 (Winter)/+2 (Summer)) Likes: control (cumming, edging, jerking-off, JOI, denial/chastity), torture (ballbusting, CBT, nipples) [for beginners or experience ones], sometimes exercises and more. I do NOT do blackmail. I sometimes exposure willing models pics/vids. If you want your pic/vid exposed by me require obvious and clear consent.