[Non-Fiction] John's Big Date

[Chappers]

This is what I sent Andrew_b:

Here is a funny story which happened to my roommate - let call him John - last saturday night/sunday morning.

He had a 2nd date with a girl he met through me. She is Czech and travels a lot and she only planned to be in Scotland for 6 weeks hence why I wasn't interested.

He messaged myself and my other roommate - lets call him Harry - in a group message asking to borrow some shaving form and hair gel. Now I was working really late so I wouldn't have got the message in time but Harry told him just to use my stuff.

I wasn't to pleased with this, I read the message on my break. And sarcasmly I told him he might as well just my condoms and my 9 inch dildo. Which we all had a laugh, then I adding her to the group chat - let call her Anna - so I can wind her up as well.

"Anna, be nice with him - he is just a virgin-boy."
"You will need that dildo or a magnifying glass cos his cock so small."
"He won't last two minute, he will cum before he is even inside. You will have to call me so I can finish you off."

I had to go back to work but John texted me saying that if she is horny later. He will take her back to our place, use my condom and have her out the door before I got back - because he didn't trust me with her.

So...I had an idea. I texted Harry to create a condom with white stuff in it. Basically fill it with water and shaving form and I was going to pour it all over John's face when I get back to the flat after work around 2am. Harry got the fake cum and condom and left it in my room.

At 2am, I came home. John wasn't home and Harry had when to bed. He was going to the Hibs (local soccer team) away game somewhere.

So I just made my dinner and when off to bed. Found the condom, and texted Harry asking him to do it in the morning before he left at 8am. I left the condom on Harry's side table.

6am. John basically crashes through the front door. Waking me up. I text him "Dirrty wee stop-out. Did you get your hole?".

Next, I hear John running into Harry's room screaming "I'm gonna get you Ted."

Harry starts screaming "WHAT THE FUCK! WHY ARE NAKED IN MY ROOM!! TED IN THE ROOM UPSTAIRS NOW!!"

Hearing this, I hid under the bed as John runs up-the-stairs. As John, clearly naked, is looking for me. I text Harry. "Shout up to him saying that I'm away to see Anna, that she texted me a hour ago wanting a proper shag."

Harry does what I asked and shouts upstair.

"I'm going to fucking kill him" shouts John as he runs down my stairs, out the front door and down 3 flights of stairs and on to the street - naked. Five minutes later, he is buzzing at the door. Begging Harry to let him back in, he forgot his keys and his bloody clothes.

Myself and Harry, run to the window, aim the condom at his head. Target hit. He is now naked, covered in what he thinks is cum and locked outside. In Edinburgh City Centre. Shouting and banging on the room.

Harry and I, cannot stop laughing to press the buzzer to let the sad sack in. John runs away and disappears. We both go out looking him, I can't find him. I text Anna to warn her.

We both go back to the flat. Giving up on finding John. Anna texts to say she will walk the way to ours to look for John. Getting to our flat about a hour later and unsuccessful in finding him.

I make her a coffee, hearing about the date and how much they had to drink in a night club and then hers. There is a car horn outside, Harry gets on his Hibs top and scarf and goes out to meet his girlfriend picking him up for the match. Harry goes down the stairs, opens the car door and...

The rubbish bin (dumpster) opens. There is naked John found and awake. Harry's girlfriend screaming. Harry gets back out of the car, helps John to the door, buzzes our number and says "Your IT Ted" and unlock the door for John to go in.

I let John into our flat. He heads straight to the living room where Anna is. He doesn't even see her. He sits down, puts on the Playstation 4, starts playing FIFA - naked, covered in fake cum and smelling like rubbish. I ask her to left him, she how long it takes him to notice.

After a game, he turns around to me asking if I wanted coffee.

"Yeah, what about Anna?"

"Oh hi Anna, didn't see you there. Do you want some?"

He goes away to the kitchen and falls asleep on the floor. With Anna help we get him into his bed. I walk Anna home and when I get back. John is back, fully dressed and showed, playing FIFA. I asked him how was his night.

"Alright, can't remember much. Feeling pretty rough, can you make a fry up?"

He had a third date with Anna last night and he found out what happen. Or so he claims. Myself and Harry have been ripping him all evening about it. I wish we took pictures.