Being a Dom...

[Isabell]

Don't be afraid to talk to your sub/slave out side of the bounds of your Master/slave relationship. Take the time to talk to him/her as a person, in other words your equal. This should be done on a regular basis. At the very least once a week. This helps to keep building the trust between you.

Why should you talk out side the bounds of your Master/slave relationship? Not all sub/slaves have learned how to speak their mind to you as a sub/slave. This is something that takes some time to learn how to do. It also takes some thought as to say what you want with out being disrespectful to your owner. Not all subs/slaves will tell you what is going on in their head during a session. Take the time to find out what they liked, disliked and totally loathed. Find out why they have those reactions. The reason why is sometimes a sub/slave is so fixed on pleasing you they will tell you what they think you want to hear.

When I use the term "reading" here I am talking about reading into the reactions that your sub/slave has. As you get to know one another well, you start to pick up on their their little quirks. Such as when your sub is happy they will great you with a "HI Master!" But if your sub is feeling a little down they may use "Hello, Master." It's the little things that let you know what is really going on. Knowing how to read these things over the internet is tricky and takes longer than if you were meeting in person. If you are able to use a web cam both ways, pay attention to their body language, the sound of their voice, how they use their eyes, have their breathing changed. These little things will help you to know when they are enjoying what is being done to them or if you are crossing the line into the unwanted pain. By the way a good sub/slave will read their Master/Mistress as well.

[lydiab6]

Another thought on reactions: For me at least, when I am in control I want to know how my slaves are reacting. The best feeling I get from it is knowing my slave is enjoying themselves while I am having fun. As a sub/slave, I want to know that the person in control wants to know how I'm feeling, and cares enough to take the time to find out. Taking time to move forward is more important than reaching a finish line. There shouldn't be a finish line, relationships of all kinds are about the journey of moving together.

[Merlin]

Originally Posted by sum1(2)

[...]Hope i've not stolen your next part merlin

No not this time... still it was a part i planned to write about

Originally Posted by Isabell

Don't be afraid to talk to your sub/slave out side of the bounds of your Master/slave relationship. Take the time to talk to him/her as a person, in other words your equal. This should be done on a regular basis. At the very least once a week. This helps to keep building the trust between you.
[...]

I agree with all you are saying...


My 4th part will be about a the importance of knowledge and common sense.

As i stated earlier one of the goals of a Dom should always be to protect the Sub from harm. To achieve this is is always good to have 2 things "ready": Your common sense and at least some basic knowledge about the things you want your Sub to perform.
Common sense can help you to see where things can go wrong and what you should not ask someone else to do. And the lack of common sense can be fatal.

Still you can't only rely on it to always keep you on the safe side. Sooner or later you will reach areas where you will need some explicit knowledge.
Knowledge about what can be done, what can't be done, things that could go wrong, things that can cause harm (there are areas of the body for example that should only be spank very light and some never at all), technical things like how do to a "bondage tie" or how to work with a special toy...
And we shouldn't forget that you also will need knowledge about the person you are working with. Information like experience, pain tolerance or body conditions. But also the daily form can be important.
Still you will never know everything so you will have to predict the unpredictable and try always to have a "Plan B" ready if you are doing some of the extremer stuff (like having scissors ready while doing bondage to cut the ropes, if needed or the always important spare key for the cuffs).

But how can we achieve this knowledge?

One way is by experience. By trying things you will of course get information about it. A special way of this is selfexperience that means as a Dom you can try some of your things on yourself before telling someone else to do it (Of course this is limited and most people wont do any thing before they order someone to do it, but it is sometime still a good way to get an idea how some things will feel like).
Although experience is the best way to get to know things it has two major disadvantage. First, you will have to make mistakes to learn something. Thats ok if the things you are doing are not risky, but this can be a major problem if things get dangerous. The other one is, that it takes time, especially if you want to keep it as save as posible (and you should do that!), you will need to work in very small steps making the progress slow.

(Thats not the end of the part but it is getting to late, so i will go on with it tomorrow)
[to be continued]

[Merlin]

Another way is by reading books or searching for instructions over the internet. The big Plus here is that you can get information about technically everything you can think of. As you don't have to do anything its also impossible to do mistakes, at least not while reading them. Also it is posible to get a lot of information in a very short period of time.
The major disadvantages are, that all the info you get is often theoretical (Reading a book about bondage will not make a bondage guru of you, still it may give you a lot of useful information especially about the theory). It is always out of the view of another one and doesn't reflect your own skills and experience. So even if you have the theoretical knowledge how to do something you will have to try it in real before you really can be sure about it, and you will always have to stay inside your own possibilities (Even if you read about how to do a complicated bondage position, it is maybe better to start with something easy first).
Another danger, especially over the internet, is "False information". You cant believe everything that is said in the internet, as some people will lie and even if they don't their information can be very subjective. Be aware that only because one person can do something doesn't mean another one can do it too, And only because one person didn't harm himself by doing something doesn't mean it is save to do.
Another thing i want to mention here is: "Don't trust porn!"
Some things shown in porn are fantasy, some things are cut to look like done in one shot that are not. Also never think that every Sub can act like some of the girls in there. Not all, but some porn is quiet unrealistic.

The last way to get information i want to mention here, is simple... Ask someone. There will always be someone that knows more then you. So don't be afraid to ask. If you got problem with something, ask someone, maybe he has already solved it.
I want to start with the disadvantages here. Again you can get False information, and you may need some time to find the right person to talk too.
Still there are a lot of advantages. You can ask questions if you didn't understand something, you can react to the other one, you can tell the other one what you can and what you can't do, you can discuss over things, the one you are talking with can maybe learn something from you too, you can share experience...

Conclusion:
To get the knowledge you need, for being a good Dom, you can
- Read books
- Look through the Internet
- Talk to other Doms
But to really be ready to order something to anybody you will need to get enough experience and have a good amount of common sense.

[Isabell]

You can meet other Doms/Domes on the internet at sites like this one or on sites that are specifically related to the BDFSM lifestyle. Most of the sites have some type of community interaction like this one does.

What about finding a Dom/Dome you can talk with in person? The best thing I can think of is finding your local BDFSM group. There is usually at least one group not to far from larger cities. They will most likely have members that live further away from city as well. How do you find the group(s)? You can look on the internet. Many groups have links to other groups so that you find a group that is close to you. The other thing you can do is ask around at the local sex shops. They should be able to at least point you in the right direction to keep looking if they don't know. Find any regionally printed out adult magazines and contact them telling them what you want to talk in person to other Doms/Domes.

Once you find the closest group to you find out if there is a munch or play date that you can attend. Once you show up be honest about the fact that you want to learn. There is usually one or two people there who tend to take new people under their wing and teach them.

Don't be afraid to talk with slaves/subs as well. Ones that have a good deal of experience will usually being willing to help you as well. They may even agree to allow you to try your first couple of sessions with them as the bottom.

[Merlin]

This part will be about the question: What if things go wrong?

To be honest this was not planned by me to be a part of the thread. But a personal experience showed me that i should add this.
As a Dom (and this includes myself) you will sometimes feel like you are inerrant and that you have everything under control all the time. But sometimes you have to learn that this is wrong. Things can and will go wrong.
I told you to plan everything to think about the unthinkable, all this is important and will help you prevent many things. Still sooner or later you will make a little mistake, and even if this single mistake doesn't cause a lot of trouble it can get a disaster if 2 or 3 of them fall together.
There can always happen things you didn't predict. Or a little misunderstanding can cause a big effect. Or even a thing meant to help can go totally wrong.
You should always be aware that if things go wrong people can get hurt, and it is also important to mention that i don't talk only about physical things here, most of the time this will also have an psychical effect too. Especially to a person that relies on you to care for them.

Now as we learned that sooner or later these things can and will happen, what should we do if they have happened?
First thing you should do is prevent any more harm to the sub. Stop whatever you are doing, and do whatever is necessary to prevent your sub to be harmed any more. Make sure that everything is ok. Call a doctor if needed. Whatever...
If everything is made to prevent any more harm, the next thing is talk with your sub about it. How does he feel? What was the Problem? How does he see the situation?
If all this is settled you can start to try to find out why the things have gone wrong. Important! This is not to find the offender, most of the time it was your fault anyways, but you need to know were things have gone wrong to see what to change to prevent them from happening again.

After things like this you should always be sure to be there for your Sub. You both have just learned that a Dom is human, and as this lesson can be hard for you it can be even harder for your Sub. Care for them, reassure them that everything will be alright. The worst thing you can do is ignoring them. They need to be able to rely on you especially when something went wrong.

And the last step is learn from it. We all do mistakes sometimes. All we can do is to keep them as minimal as posible. But it is important to learn from them. Analyse what went wrong. Think of what you can change to prevent the same thing from happening again. Don't be afraid to even ask your Sub what he would change.
You can always make a mistake, but you should never do the same one again.

Conclusion:
After something went wrong you should:
- minimize the harm
- talk about it
- analyse what went wrong
- be there for your Sub
- learn from it

[to be continued]

my 500th post

[Isabell]

I highly suggest that if you’ve been in a relationship for less than a year or if you hardly ever give punishments that a conversation take place before punishment is decided. This way all parties can know; what was done wrong, what should have been done, will there be a punishment or discipline and what the punishment/discipline will be. This way every one is on the same page. (I have problems with Masters that give punishments without a good reason.) By having the discussion, the sub/slave will know where she/he went wrong in the requested task and how to do better the next time a similar task is given. This also gives the sub/slave a chance to tell their side of the story and see if there was a good reason to not perform the given task. It’s supposed to be a system of checks and balances. If, the sub/slave has a good reason then punishment may not happen or it may be lessened from what the Master/Mistress originally thought about doing. The sub/slave may still think that they do not deserve the punishment/discipline, but they will have a better understanding as to why they are receiving it as well as how to perform better the next time.

As Merlin has pointed out this is a learning experience for the Master/Mistress as well as the sub/slave. Both parties will make mistakes, remember even though you are in control of someone else you are still human. It's not all about the physical contact, there is a responsibility to keep your sub/slave mental healthy as well.

Merlin, thank you for sharing your experince and showing that every one will make mistakes in the relationship.