[Non-Fiction] 2 weeks, 4 guys

[valiantspy]

Hey guys im new to Getdare so i dont have much experience but this is NON-FICTION. My friend David invited me to his house for 2 weeks with himself his brother and his brothers best friend Here is a description of us
Me
14 years old
5"7
Slim
Dark black hair, long-ish

David
14 years old
5"8
slim with outline of a 6 pack
Brown hair with a cowlick

Stephen
17 years old
6"
Slim 6 pack
Dark brown hair, long-ish

Cian
16 years old
6"1
Slim no 6 pack
Long black hair down to his shoulders (emo)



Chapter 1 2 weeks

David and Stephen were brothers, their parents were both business people and were gone for 3 weeks.
David, my best friend invited me to stay in their house for 2 weeks with no adult supervision, i happily accepted. My dad dropped me to their house at 10 o clock on a Saturday morning, to have Stephen open the door and let me in.
" hey, Cian is staying for 2 weeks as well. Davids up stairs having a shower but you can wait in his room if you want"
"sure ill go up now".

I knocked on Davids Bedroom door only to hear him say "come in".
I saw him standing in the bathroom connected his room. With no door to his bathroom i always knock first so i don't find him taking a shit on the toilet when i walk into his room.
He was just finished dressing and threw the wet towel at my face, i just about dodged it.
" hey Luke, whats up" he said.
"nothing really, Stephen let me in".
"cool wanna play a bit of xbox"
"sure".

We spent a couple of hours switching between xbox and Ps3. We eventually decided on walking down to the town, it was a half-an hours walk from his house so we set off and got back in time for dinner.
Cian sat alone at the kitchen table while Stephen went to the toilet.
"sup"
" hey were just goin' upstairs k".
As we headed up the stairs we went past Stephens room and decided to check his laptop that he constantly forgets to turn off.
Stephens room was layed out the same was as David's except with different wallpaper, posters and alot more video games.
After scouring Stephens laptop we finally left his room and headed for Davids. We just sat on the bed talking for a while until we got hungry.

We ordered in pizza and watched some tv for a while.

That night we all decided we would go swimming pretty early the next day so we went to bed around 12. I shared the room with David and we both slept in his bed as there were no others apart from his parents. We both slept in boxers and were pretty comfortable being in just boxers with each other as we see each other half naked in the locker rooms at school.

As we lay there, not quite ready to go to sleep David asked "truth or dare".
"Truth" i answered just for fun.
"Have you ever seen another guy naked?"
"nope. What kind of a question is that, anyway, truth or dare"
"ooh, dare" laughed David.
"ok feel your own balls" It was easy i know but i didn't think things would go very far, after all we were both straight.
David did as he was dared and then proposed that we cant back out on a dare.
I accepted, thinking "How bad could it get"

I then asked for a dare and got quite a shock when he told be to remove my boxers for the remainder of the night.
I did it, grudgingly though. I then decided to get payback by telling him to do something i thought he wouldn't do and he would end the game but he did it.
"I dare you to remove your boxers"
when he did it he just shrugged and said, we're both guys and that we were probably roughly the same.
I then turned over and closed my eyes trying to keep as far to the side as possible so we wouldn't touch.
David eventually fell asleep as did I but not before i thought things through, maybe he was right we are both guys, Its not gay, not that there would be anything wrong with that even if it were. I then relaxed and fell asleep.

[ursoweird123]

First comment! Very nice story. Great start. I'm looking forward to reading this story and watching it develop. Keep up the great work!!!!!! Welcome to getDare again!

[Kewai]

I like it. I am looking forward to reading more

Welcome to getDare!

[Saphir]

Hey,
I kinda like your idea and the story beginning so far. I sense some interesting stuff coming. :P

I know my post looks long. :P I don't mean it bad tho, so don't get scared and hate me or something. :P

Some hints how you can (in my opinion) tell your story better, make it more fluent to read. (Because it would be sad if a good story is not recognized enough because of the way it's told )

1. paragraphs and blank lines...
I think it's not as easy to read the way you put it. Let me show...

We spent a couple of hours switching between xbox and Ps3. We eventually decided on walking down to the town, it was a half-an hours walk from his house so we set off and got back in time for dinner.

Cian sat alone at the kitchen table while Stephen went to the toilet.
"sup"

" hey were just goin' upstairs k".

As we headed up the stairs we went past Stephens room and decided to check his laptop that he constantly forgets to turn off. Stephens room was layed out the same was as David's except with different wallpaper, posters and alot more video games. After scouring Stephens laptop we finally left his room and headed for Davids. We just sat on the bed talking for a while until we got hungry.

I usually put blank lines between each direct speech. I put direct speech together with describing sentences, if it helps to clarify who speaks. I write continous text until the next direct speach or the paragraph get's too long to read (so noone confuses lines... up to 6-8 lines usually).

Of course you should also take care about proper spelling and commas. It's not that worth but there are still some mistakes...

Davids up stairs having a shower but you can wait in his room if you want"

I had to read this 3 times before I got that you mean "David's" :P No kidding xD Well I was just confused.. but wouldn't have happened then^^

Secondly I think you should try to describe more. There is so much potential! Some parts were good but sometimes it feels like you just summarize, but you could actually tell so much more. :3 It's kinda even confusing because it goes so fast.

We eventually decided on walking down to the town, it was a half-an hours walk from his house so we set off and got back in time for dinner.
Cian sat alone at the kitchen table while Stephen went to the toilet.

What happened in the town? Why did they go there? Were they just going for a walk? - that's what it sounds like but we still don't know^^ How long did they stay there?
And there is no transition why Cian sits on the kitchen table... like... one can think why... but it sounds kinda cut of because it's once again just one sentence from another situation.

It's hard to describe what I mean... that's kinda what I felt xD
Well, I hope, I can read your next chapter very soon. I like the things I can sense to come and I like the chapter length.

So don't be scared by my friendly-meant hints how to improve your writing. (And one can always improve, however good one is)

Looking forward to reading from you.

Love

[valiantspy]

Hey thanks for the tips and comment. Will try improve on next chapter

[Tylerr]

Really good story, i like where this is going *wink wink*

[will9022]

i like this start. please continue!

[Abmp]

Originally Posted by will9022

i like this start. please continue!

Ou may not have noticed but he got banned so he can't continue the story.

[kinky]

This was getting interesting. A shame he was banned :O

[Saphir]

._. I shouldn't put so much effort into new user's stories, if they get banned/stop writing anyway ._. what a shame

[Luke.m]

Yeah it's.definitely a pity