[Fiction] The Bestfriend's Betrayal (MxM)

[Jake9]

Hey everyone, this is my first attempt at writing a story so let me know what you guys think! (: Feedback would be very much appreciated! Thanks and I hope you guys like it.

The Bestfriend’s Betrayal (M x M)

Characters:
Brief Introduction of Main Characters:
Zayn Petty – 16 years old, 5’10, muscular build with abs, blonde hair and green eyes, bi-curious, popular in high school and has a lot of friends, written from his point of view.
Jake Soules: 17 years old, 5’11, slim and slight muscular build, brown hair and brown eyes, social but not as popular as Zayn, one of Zayn’s friends but is slightly jealous of him.
Drew Dohogne: 16 years old, 5’9, slim body, blue eyes and blonde hair, also popular and friends with Zayn and Jake.

***

Chapter 1:
“Beep Beep Beep”
“Ugh, it’s already time to start getting ready for school…” I leisurely roll off my bed checking the time. “Crap, it’s already 7:15! I have to be at school in 30 minutes!” I rush to my dresser, rapidly pull out my clothes, and jump in the shower. I jump out of the shower still dripping wet and dry myself. I put on my favorite black boxer briefs and my phone begins to vibrate; I see it’s a text message from my one of my best friends. I put my phone down, and finish getting dressed – pulling up my shorts and putting on my shirt. I run to my room to put on my sandals and grab by backpack. I’m finally ready to go downstairs and it’s already 7:30 so I grab a piece of toast and meet my mom in the car.
“Goodmorning Mom.”
“Goodmorning Son, hurry, you don’t want to be late to school.”
I’m finally able to read the text I got earlier from my friend, Drew. It said, “Hey Zayn, already on my way to school… see you in first hour.”
As I read the text, I began to smile. I began developing a small crush on Drew over the last couple of months; however, he has no idea of my crush on him. I used to believe that I was fully straight and in the beginning I felt weird for developing a small crush on Drew but now, I’ve become use to it and officially am okay with labeling myself as bi-curious. I finally make it to school with two minutes to get to class. I get off kissing my mom goodbye and I dash to my first period. Just as the bell rings, I enter the classroom and see Drew sitting in the back with our other friend Jake. I walk to my seat and greet Jake and Drew. Class began as soon as the last ring of the bell faded away. My first period is U.S. History, which is my most boring class! During lecture, I drift off and begin wondering about Drew’s and Jake’s sexuality – although, I have a crush on Drew, I don’t think Jake is bad-looking.
“Zayn! Zayn!” my teacher, Mr. Smith yells, bringing me slowly back to reality. “Let me ask the question a third time Mr. Petty, what is the significance of the Bacon’s Rebellion?”
“Uhm, Uhm, I believe the significance of the Bacon’s Rebellion is both social and economical because it was caused by the Great Depression” I responded hoping that was the answer he was looking for. As I finished my sentence, the bell rang, possibly relieving me of having to answer a wave of Mr. Smith’s question. The rest of the day went by smoothly and quickly. After the schoolday was over, I met up with Jake and Drew at the bleachers near the football field. Our school was pretty nice, it was a college prep highschool and had nice buildings, classrooms, and learning equipment. All of us decided that we should head to Drew’s house being that he was the one that lived the closest to the school and hang out there.

***

Well this is the beginning… Let me know what you guys think. (:

Probably post chapter 2 later on tonight...

[lunar]

Hope to see more, honestly have a RL situation somewhat similar (one friend instead of two) to this one and can't wait to see how this plays out. As far as feedback goes, I am willing to give indepth feedback but first I need you to get at least 6-7 pages so that the feedback will actually work better.
Hope to see you keep writing :-).

[KjblankenshipKevin]

Great story so far. Can't wait for more

[Mr. Fun 21]

Sounds good. Nice intro.

[drawde]

I like the story so far, it's going well. I can't wait to see what these guys get up to. I have a similar crush on a friend on mine in high school. I'm excited to see what happens next.

[Saphir]

I actually wanted to stop doing this (feedbacking on a fresh story from a not regular writer), but if someone asks for feedback, I can't resist anyway

The plot is okayish so far, just another story but a good one from what people want to read on here :3 might develop more, as the titel suggests... sounds interesting :3

A huge problem, in my opinion, is that the story is told in present tense, not in past tense. I personally don't like to read any story written in the present tense, and I believe I'm not the only one who feels that it makes it sound weird. Always write stories in past... otherwise it sounds like a report... like a summary.

A very important thing I noticed:

Originally Posted by Jake9

Chapter 1:
“Beep Beep Beep”
“Ugh, it’s already time to start getting ready for school…” I leisurely roll off my bed checking the time. “Crap, it’s already 7:15! I have to be at school in 30 minutes!” I rush to my dresser, rapidly pull out my clothes, and jump in the shower. I jump out of the shower still dripping wet and dry myself. I put on my favorite black boxer briefs and my phone begins to vibrate; I see it’s a text message from my one of my best friends. I put my phone down, and finish getting dressed – pulling up my shorts and putting on my shirt. I run to my room to put on my sandals and grab by backpack. I’m finally ready to go downstairs and it’s already 7:30 so I grab a piece of toast and meet my mom in the car.
“Goodmorning Mom.”
“Goodmorning Son, hurry, you don’t want to be late to school.”
I’m finally able to read the text I got earlier from my friend, Drew. It said, “Hey Zayn, already on my way to school… see you in first hour.”
As I read the text, I began to smile. I began developing a small crush on Drew over the last couple of months; however, he has no idea of my crush on him. I used to believe that I was fully straight and in the beginning I felt weird for developing a small crush on Drew but now, I’ve become use to it and officially am okay with labeling myself as bi-curious. I finally make it to school with two minutes to get to class. I get (...)

You need sentence connections...
I'm explaining that e.g. here http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showpost....12&postcount=6 (don't want to retype all that now)

Some more descriptive language would be good too Imagine you're not writing a report, you're on grandpa's lap and it's storytime


Hard criticism :P but all just suggestions to improve.
Keep going, feel free to send me a messange when you release your 2nd chapter

Love