(Help) Ddlg & Vanilla.

M.G · 02-19-2015, 08:13 AM

Hello all you fine folks of gD.

I am, well, not me, but an extremely close friend of mine (I consider her a family member) is in a bit of a pickle and has asked me for help. Sadly the advice I have given her has proven to be unfruitful.
Now, before you go reading this giant wall of text, please note that she has allowed me to ask for help on gD, and she knows about gD - even though she has asked his permission to seek out help and advice from people who she trusts, I am still unsure of how much information about him, he is willing to let the public know so, I will only give out the minimal amount of detail about her partner in this relationship,

A little background.
Ok, so my friend; she is 22 years old this year and is currently in a long distance relationship with a guy, who is 18. They have been chatting almost daily now, from dawn 'til dusk for almost 6 months. They are very much in love, have discussed about plans about meeting up, their dreams, goals, marriage - the whole nine yards.
Their feelings for each other are strong, there is a lot of love, trusts, care, support and everything else in between.
However, for the past 2 or so months, she has been in a state of severe depression (hence making this situation a bit iffy). While he has provided her with his enormous support, she is still suffering - she has had depression before (there was very little signs of it for almost 4 years now).

The conundrum.
She is a submissive in the D/s world & a little in the Ddlg world. He is not.
He is 'vanilla' as 'vanilla' can be (I am sorry if this sound harsh, but it is the truth, my friend need help/advice so I will not sugar-coat it).

Now, I know that being a submissive and little has a difference (I won't bore you with my definitions), but she is a little and a sub. When they had their first few 'play sessions' (I only know parts of it, not the entirety), she has shown him her submissive side - she has told him that she wants to be spanked, humiliated (called names), etc. and in kind, he has returned with most of those and even written out fantasies for her (I don't know the details of these fantasies, but I can guess that they may have been on the D/s side of things) - however, as you can guess, these D/s sessions are once in a blue moon for her (and were fairly tamed/'low-keyed'). Now this wasn't an issue at the time as her fascination for D/s hadn't full grown yet.
But she slowly came to the realization that her partner preferred the more vanilla side of things the; gentler, loving and more caring side of love making/play sessions and finds being a little 'controlling/rough' distasteful.
And so everything was "fine".

Until her depression.

They were so use to their daily talks, that when the holidays came around, her partner had to leave to go on a trip with his family and this of course brought back her depression. She missed him, cried, and when they were finally back together, everything was ok for a few days (I am almost certain the excitement of being able to talk to one another was overriding her depression) - so, a few days later, her depression hit her, hard. And she told him she wanted to take a break from their relationship as she feared the it might affect him, so they split for almost a month until she couldn't take it anymore and began to send him messages again.

And thus their relationship bloomed again, but this time it bloomed into one who he would try to support her as much as he could, until a few days later, he uttered the words; 'My little [Her name]' - She instantly messaged me that night, after they were done talking, about what she had felt and asked me why and of course the first thing came to my mind was that; she being a sub and had just discovered her 'little' side. So I took care of her as a little for that night and the next just to be sure that she was a little and not just a misinterpretation on my end. We had a few discussions about what it meant to be a little, I asked her to visit gD and showed her 'Searching for Littles / Caregivers' thread and it resonated with her. So she told him about the site and her little side - albeit, she was reluctant as she knew he hated the BDSM scene. And now comes the problem: she has admitted to him that she didn't mind the D/s style of love making and was willing to compromise and that their love life would turn to vanilla; so they tried a vanilla play style after a month of not talking to each other. She told me that while she did orgasm, it wasn't as 'powerful' as when she was having a D/s play session with her partner. She told him this, she said sorry and he comforted her, bringing the 'little side' out of her for that night.

Now bare in mind he doesn't know how to take care of a little, he has visited the gD site and has told her to steer clear of this site as he feared her 'little' state of mind was brought on by her depression and that once the depression has been taken care of, her love for D/s and being in a ddlg frame of mind would go away as well and that this site was 'unhealthy' for her.

Every time they discuss about their problem with the BDSM scene, and her trying to 'get rid' of it, she would feel as if they are slowly moving further and further away from each other. This 'issue' (him not liking BDSM and her desire to get rid of it for him) had been discussed between the two for almost for a week now, every single night and it has, somehow became the main topic of their talk. They hardly have any 'normal' conversations as they once had. And tonight, she told me that she had hit a new low in their relationship. She told me that while they still both love each other very much, she is beginning to have doubts as to whether they can work as couple, 'work' being; one requires the care of a daddy and the other being repulsed by it as a whole.
She has told him that being a submissive in a play session isn't important, but her being a little is, as being a little actually affects how her life is (ability to cook, take care of herself, her needs, stuff like ability to drive while in a little frame of mind, etc).

--

So my question and the thing that I need help with, after this wall of text is;

- Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the other will not touch in this type of 'lifestyle' (she told me that he said; "Love making has to be gentle, loving and caring. How could pain be sexual?")?
- If you were the submissive/little, and you had a partner like hers, would you be able to maintain a stable relationship? or would you go find someone else (bare in mind she can easily slip in and out of a 'little' frame of mind)?
- Any help or advice as to how we can convince her partner to look into how to take care of a little (at the minimum) or how she can 'get rid' of her little side (My experience in how a lg thinks is minimal, so I am unsure if this is possible or not).
- Any other advice for the couple?

That is all for now.
(Future questions will be posted as an update on this thread)

I would like to say thank you first, for everyone's help & advice. It means a great deal to me as a friend and I am sure it means the world to these two young adults.

Jah Brother · 02-19-2015, 08:44 AM

It really depends on how deep the BDSM flows through her, same with the little. But reading it it's seem that it flows pretty deep and can't be ignored, so don't try to ignore it, putting away emotions and desires is never good.
And the same goes the other way around, if you ''force'' him to talk a DD or a dom role while he has no interest in it at all won't end good neither.
I would advice to communicate about it but they clearly have done that.

The best solution I can think off of the top of my head is to let her find a way to satisfy her BDSM/lg without him. Maybe in the form of an online dom, though this should of course be heavily discussed between them because obvious reasons.
If I come up with more I'll let you know.

LitDarkness · 02-19-2015, 11:23 AM

- Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the other will not touch in this type of 'lifestyle' (she told me that he said; "Love making has to be gentle, loving and caring. How could pain be sexual?")?
Sadly, this would be hard and depends. Sounds like with her the answer is no. I think that is what is bringing her depression.
- If you were the submissive/little, and you had a partner like hers, would you be able to maintain a stable relationship? or would you go find someone else (bare in mind she can easily slip in and out of a 'little' frame of mind)?
I can't get out of my submissive frame of mind most of the time. No matter what I'll always be a submissive so I couldn't maintain a stable relationship, no.

I'd find someone else and try to remain friends with the partner.
- Any help or advice as to how we can convince her partner to look into how to take care of a little (at the minimum) or how she can 'get rid' of her little side (My experience in how a lg thinks is minimal, so I am unsure if this is possible or not).
If he doesn't want to touch this life style then there is no convincing. You can't convince someone who doesn't want convinced or listen for that matter.

- Any other advice for the couple?
I'm going to be brutally honest. I think it's best for them if they break up. They are not right for each other and they will probably resent each other in the future if they stay together.

inferiorwhiteboi · 02-19-2015, 01:05 PM

First off, please don't apologize for posting that giant wall of text. When describing any situation like that while asking for input, more info is always better to have for those that would offer suggestions. In that regard, thanks for the thorough post.

- Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the other will not touch in this type of 'lifestyle' (she told me that he said; "Love making has to be gentle, loving and caring. How could pain be sexual?")?
In ANY relationship, one of the key factors in keeping it successful is the word "compromise". Whether we're talking about a married couple discussing splurging on leather seats versus a sunroof in their new car, which movie to go to, or the ground rules of a D/s scene, "compromises" are always key; they keep both parties happy. If he's dead set against particular forms of kinky play, it's likely that she may become bored, regress regarding depression, or worse. Even a gesture as simple as "allowing her time to periodically explore her little side" without him involved, or something as going with her on a shopping trip to buy clothing for "little time" would be something. But being dead set against it? That's a bad indicator of a stable future, at least in my opinion.

- If you were the submissive/little, and you had a partner like hers, would you be able to maintain a stable relationship? or would you go find someone else (bare in mind she can easily slip in and out of a 'little' frame of mind)?
Kink people don't mix well with the hardline "vanilla" crowd, at least in my experience. If the 'vanilla' is at least a little bit open to occasional fun time, maybe. As for myself, one of the reasons that i enjoy being single is the freedom to explore my personal kinks. i would not engage in a serious relationship with a member of the 'vanilla' crowd that had no desire for kinky play. To each their own, but i don't think that i could have a stable relationship with someone that was completely dis-interested and/or turned off by my particular set of kinks.

- Any help or advice as to how we can convince her partner to look into how to take care of a little (at the minimum) or how she can 'get rid' of her little side (My experience in how a lg thinks is minimal, so I am unsure if this is possible or not).
My previously mentioned shopping trip might be a start. There are a number of stores that cater to new parents. Would it really hurt him to go browsing with her for pacifiers, bottles & such?

Perhaps he could try sprinkling baby powder on her bottom or something? In & of itself, that's far from a kinky activity.

As to "getting rid" of her little side, it's ultimately up to her if she wants to make that strictly part of her past, to have a vanilla future with him. I know of no way to "will it out of her". This isn't exactly the stone ages, and people aren't regularly burned at the stake anymore either. Heck, it's 2015, 50 Shades of Grey sold how many million copies AND is now a movie currently in theatres ... AND mainstream media is talking about it. Society as a whole is beginning to be more open about, and receptive to Kinksters everywhere.

Aside from whatever anybody's thoughts on that book/film are (haven't read or scene it myself), it should at least be noted that society openly is talking about them. It's not a cultural shift by itself, but it is a step toward a more open society ... that's my point here.

- Any other advice for the couple?
Not specifically, other than hoping she seeks professional help with the depression. I do wish her well in that regard, it certainly is an unpleasant thing to have to deal with.

However, all things equal, it sounds to me as though it might be best if they broke up. If he's really taking such a hardline against the generally harmless hobby of being a little, I have doubts about the future of the relationship.

While some people successfully remain friends after a break-up, I doubt that doing so would be a good idea in this case. I truly hate to say this, but think it might be best if they completely went their separate ways.

With all of the above said, I do wish her well, both for her real-life aspirations and happiness in kink. I am by no means a professional, so these are just my freely given opinions and thoughts.

Best of luck to her, with whatever decisions she makes regarding this issue.

M.G · 02-19-2015, 11:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jah Brother

It really depends on how deep the BDSM flows through her, same with the little. But reading it it's seem that it flows pretty -

Thank you Jah, I'll take your answer into consideration when I tell her what I think she should do (I think I'll wait for a few more responses - I'll let you know what I tell her and how it works out)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheKidWithSkills

- Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the -

Thanks a lot Kid

Much more different than Jah's answer, but just as informative, I think 'friends' might work as they were 'friends' to begin with (they share an mmorpg addiction, so I'd assume if they were still communicating/playing games just as friends, then it might work) and just like Jah, I'll let you know what happens ^^ (I agree that this might be playing a part in her depression, she is seeking help, but this is more of a private matter and she's quite shy about letting the professionals know)

Quote:

Originally Posted by inferiorwhiteboi

First off, please don't apologize for posting that giant wall of text. When describing any situation like that while asking for input -

Eek! Thank you very much Boi

Hehe, your answer is like Kid's and Jah's combined. Thank you once again! and I, too will let you know what happens afterwards. I might let this post sit for a few more days in attempts to gain some more advice and opinions! I will let her know that you have sent her your best wishes.

eivins · 02-20-2015, 12:23 PM

- Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the other will not touch in this type of 'lifestyle' (she told me that he said; "Love making has to be gentle, loving and caring. How could pain be sexual?")?
I think the answer to this question can be yes, depending on the individuals involved but I don't think this is the case here. Problem #1: The guy is 18. Age certainly is just a number, but most eighteen year old boys are neither emotionally ready nor mature enough to be a daddy or a dom. This is not a rule, but just a VERY broad generalization. Based on the information you've provided, I would say that he does fit the general mold of not being ready for relationships like this (forgive me if I'm wrong). Maybe he will be one day! Outside of kinky relationships, love making isn't just gentle and caring! My last boyfriend and I were not a D/s couple in any way... but the sex was certainly on the kinkier end. Sometimes sweet and sometimes... *waggles eyebrows* I would say that I tended to "bottom". And that is enough for me, personally!
Problem #2- It sounds like your friend's little side has made an appearance due to depression. Her little side could be somewhat unhealthy, in terms of the way she's using it to escape life. However, the absence of depression most likely won't make her little side go away. It's part of who she is now and she needs to embrace it. To be clear: I'm not saying that being a little is unhealthy. I do think that she needs to accept that side as part of her, and not use it to escape life. Not being able to drive or cook? I understand that being little is a frame of mind, but you need to be able to take part in life. You can't just call out of work because your little side is making an appearance.
Problem #3- he's not interested in these things. And maybe that could be solved by agreeing that she should have a daddy dom online.. but he doesn't sound like the type of person who would be able to deal with that. I think he would be jealous and not understand. He seems to find D/s or D/lg unreasonable and unhealthy... so I doubt he would approve of her finding it elsewhere. However, it could still an option worth exploring.

- If you were the submissive/little, and you had a partner like hers, would you be able to maintain a stable relationship? or would you go find someone else (bare in mind she can easily slip in and out of a 'little' frame of mind)?
For point of reference, I am a submissive with little tendencies. I don't have a little frame of mind and I don't need a daddy. But I do need a very caring person when it comes to D/s or even in a vanilla relationship. I think we all desire different things out of relationships, and we shouldn't settle for less. Him not being interested in D/s wouldn't bother me as long as he was willing to have some fun in the bedroom! If I slipped into a little frame of mind, I think it's important to have someone who will support you. It doesn't mean they have to take on the roll of daddy. Maybe he's caught up on titles? "I'm 18.. I'm not a daddy!" But he still can be a caring and supportive boyfriend. If not? I don't think the relationship could work.
- Any help or advice as to how we can convince her partner to look into how to take care of a little (at the minimum) or how she can 'get rid' of her little side (My expepience in how a lg thinks is minimal, so I am unsure if this is possible or not).
You can't just "convince" someone to want to do something... and it would be a very bad idea for her to just 'get rid' of her little side.
- Any other advice for the couple?
They should really evaluate what they need from each other. Communicate and discuss everything! Even if he can accept that she's a little, it doesn't sound like he's willing to embrace the roll. I think that she needs to do what will be best and healthiest for her. Depression is not an easy thing to overcome! I think they may find that they're better off as friends, for now. Maybe they just have a little more maturing to do.

justJane · 02-20-2015, 11:52 PM

I agree with the previous posts. I think either person trying to force themselves to be something they are not is going to end up disastrously - at some point. In my experience, trying to keep D/s thoughts to oneself and in fantasies alone will leave one dissatisfied, which will lead to problems in other areas as well. It really depends on the person, but for myself, having some kink that isn't really D/s isn't enough - a lesson well earned and not for lack of trying.

From what you've described, it sounds like she should either end it now before it gets even harder, and hopefully remain friends with the guy, or like others have said, explore that part of herself with someone else, if they are both poly, or he's okay with her being so. That last part can be incredibly difficult, impossible if the people involved aren't completely okay with it and honest with one another. Generally, my advice to anyone in that situation would be to end it because if it is hard now, or her partner isn't that interested in it now, that will only intensify over time, it most likely won't improve, and she'll be miserable.

I do hope your friend gets some help with her depression, it sounds like she is in a very hard place. I'm glad she has a friend like you.

M.G · 02-21-2015, 02:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eivins

- Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the other will not touch in this type of 'lifestyle' (she told me that he said; "Love making has to be gentle, loving and caring. How could pain be sexual?")?
I think the answer to this question can be yes, depending on the individuals involved but I don't think this is the case here. Problem #1: The guy is 18. Age certainly -

Thank you Eivins

I have told her that, she doesn't need to have a 'daddy' for her partner to take care of her. She agreed that she doesn't need the 'daddy' aspect of things, and that she just needs a loving and caring person to support her.

I honestly do feel that her submissive side was drawn into a little side when her depression hit her. And I am trying to provide her with as much care and love as a friend can, just to try and keep her happy so that she can deal with her depression.

She has just left our conversation and is currently talking with her partner.
She is honestly strong, she has overcame depression before, and she is seeing a psychologist for almost a month now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by justJane

I agree with the previous posts. I think either person trying to force themselves to be something they are not is going to end up disastrously - at some point. In my experience, trying to keep D/s thoughts to oneself and in fantasies alone will leave one dissatisfied, which will lead to problems in other areas as well. It really -

Thank you Jane

I've told her that she should try to remain friends with him, I don't know how it is going atm, but she said she is going to talk to him. I honestly, don't feel like they are willing to find another dom or daddy, but I will let her know.
This certainly isn't an easy time for the two.

I will be sure to let her know that you sent her your well wishes the next time I talk to her.

--

Just to inform everyone, I have told her what my thoughts are, and what I think she should do, I have showed her all your responses (I hope you don't mind), and I am assuming that she is now talking to her partner.

So once again, I would like to say an enormous thank you to Jah Brother, TheKidWithSkills, inferiorwhiteboi, eivins, justJane and to CuriouslyInterested (she sent me a PM instead), for all your opinions, advice, thoughts, feelings and personal experience in this matter. It fills me up with such joy that an amazing community such as this, can come out and help 3 complete strangers like us.

Thanks

(and of course I did make a terrible 'boo boo' with the 'try to convince' question - sorry)

An update on their status will follow - but only with their consent.

M.G · 02-22-2015, 06:31 AM

Update: Thank you all again - I would like to say that they had a long discussion the previous night and the two have were able to find some form of compromisation, I can't tell you what it was as they did not give me their consent. Sorry.

Jah Brother · 02-22-2015, 07:26 AM

Really glad to hear they found a way

Though I think it's a shame because I think more people struggle with similair problems, but that's up to them of course.

Tease · 03-01-2015, 06:46 AM

Glad they found a compromise to the situation.

It can work, my JL is a slave and a little but is married in a vanilla relationship, she satisfies her kink side by submitting online. It takes a lot of understanding and talking from both sides to make it work and understand what the other needs.

02-19-2015, 01:05 PM	#4
inferiorwhiteboi getDare Devil Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Anywhere but getDare Posts: 1,338 Blog Entries: 24	First off, please don't apologize for posting that giant wall of text. When describing any situation like that while asking for input, more info is always better to have for those that would offer suggestions. In that regard, thanks for the thorough post. - Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the other will not touch in this type of 'lifestyle' (she told me that he said; "Love making has to be gentle, loving and caring. How could pain be sexual?")? In ANY relationship, one of the key factors in keeping it successful is the word "compromise". Whether we're talking about a married couple discussing splurging on leather seats versus a sunroof in their new car, which movie to go to, or the ground rules of a D/s scene, "compromises" are always key; they keep both parties happy. If he's dead set against particular forms of kinky play, it's likely that she may become bored, regress regarding depression, or worse. Even a gesture as simple as "allowing her time to periodically explore her little side" without him involved, or something as going with her on a shopping trip to buy clothing for "little time" would be something. But being dead set against it? That's a bad indicator of a stable future, at least in my opinion. - If you were the submissive/little, and you had a partner like hers, would you be able to maintain a stable relationship? or would you go find someone else (bare in mind she can easily slip in and out of a 'little' frame of mind)? Kink people don't mix well with the hardline "vanilla" crowd, at least in my experience. If the 'vanilla' is at least a little bit open to occasional fun time, maybe. As for myself, one of the reasons that i enjoy being single is the freedom to explore my personal kinks. i would not engage in a serious relationship with a member of the 'vanilla' crowd that had no desire for kinky play. To each their own, but i don't think that i could have a stable relationship with someone that was completely dis-interested and/or turned off by my particular set of kinks. - Any help or advice as to how we can convince her partner to look into how to take care of a little (at the minimum) or how she can 'get rid' of her little side (My experience in how a lg thinks is minimal, so I am unsure if this is possible or not). My previously mentioned shopping trip might be a start. There are a number of stores that cater to new parents. Would it really hurt him to go browsing with her for pacifiers, bottles & such? Perhaps he could try sprinkling baby powder on her bottom or something? In & of itself, that's far from a kinky activity. As to "getting rid" of her little side, it's ultimately up to her if she wants to make that strictly part of her past, to have a vanilla future with him. I know of no way to "will it out of her". This isn't exactly the stone ages, and people aren't regularly burned at the stake anymore either. Heck, it's 2015, 50 Shades of Grey sold how many million copies AND is now a movie currently in theatres ... AND mainstream media is talking about it. Society as a whole is beginning to be more open about, and receptive to Kinksters everywhere. Aside from whatever anybody's thoughts on that book/film are (haven't read or scene it myself), it should at least be noted that society openly is talking about them. It's not a cultural shift by itself, but it is a step toward a more open society ... that's my point here. - Any other advice for the couple? Not specifically, other than hoping she seeks professional help with the depression. I do wish her well in that regard, it certainly is an unpleasant thing to have to deal with. However, all things equal, it sounds to me as though it might be best if they broke up. If he's really taking such a hardline against the generally harmless hobby of being a little, I have doubts about the future of the relationship. While some people successfully remain friends after a break-up, I doubt that doing so would be a good idea in this case. I truly hate to say this, but think it might be best if they completely went their separate ways. With all of the above said, I do wish her well, both for her real-life aspirations and happiness in kink. I am by no means a professional, so these are just my freely given opinions and thoughts. Best of luck to her, with whatever decisions she makes regarding this issue. __________________ (\__/) (='.'=) (")_(") Bunny says, "Bye bye!"

02-22-2015, 06:31 AM	#9
M.G getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi! Posts: 442 Blog Entries: 20	Update: Thank you all again - I would like to say that they had a long discussion the previous night and the two have were able to find some form of compromisation, I can't tell you what it was as they did not give me their consent. Sorry. __________________ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ HELLO, I'M M.G I HOPE YOU HAVE AN EXTREMELY KINKY DAY. - A DOM TRYING TO FIND HIMSELF - - B H- - AMA - - TUMBLR - ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

02-19-2015, 08:13 AM	#1
M.G getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi! Posts: 442 Blog Entries: 20	(Help) Ddlg & Vanilla. Hello all you fine folks of gD. I am, well, not me, but an extremely close friend of mine (I consider her a family member) is in a bit of a pickle and has asked me for help. Sadly the advice I have given her has proven to be unfruitful. Now, before you go reading this giant wall of text, please note that she has allowed me to ask for help on gD, and she knows about gD - even though she has asked his permission to seek out help and advice from people who she trusts, I am still unsure of how much information about him, he is willing to let the public know so, I will only give out the minimal amount of detail about her partner in this relationship, A little background. Ok, so my friend; she is 22 years old this year and is currently in a long distance relationship with a guy, who is 18. They have been chatting almost daily now, from dawn 'til dusk for almost 6 months. They are very much in love, have discussed about plans about meeting up, their dreams, goals, marriage - the whole nine yards. Their feelings for each other are strong, there is a lot of love, trusts, care, support and everything else in between. However, for the past 2 or so months, she has been in a state of severe depression (hence making this situation a bit iffy). While he has provided her with his enormous support, she is still suffering - she has had depression before (there was very little signs of it for almost 4 years now). The conundrum. She is a submissive in the D/s world & a little in the Ddlg world. He is not. He is 'vanilla' as 'vanilla' can be (I am sorry if this sound harsh, but it is the truth, my friend need help/advice so I will not sugar-coat it). Now, I know that being a submissive and little has a difference (I won't bore you with my definitions), but she is a little and a sub. When they had their first few 'play sessions' (I only know parts of it, not the entirety), she has shown him her submissive side - she has told him that she wants to be spanked, humiliated (called names), etc. and in kind, he has returned with most of those and even written out fantasies for her (I don't know the details of these fantasies, but I can guess that they may have been on the D/s side of things) - however, as you can guess, these D/s sessions are once in a blue moon for her (and were fairly tamed/'low-keyed'). Now this wasn't an issue at the time as her fascination for D/s hadn't full grown yet. But she slowly came to the realization that her partner preferred the more vanilla side of things the; gentler, loving and more caring side of love making/play sessions and finds being a little 'controlling/rough' distasteful. And so everything was "fine". Until her depression. They were so use to their daily talks, that when the holidays came around, her partner had to leave to go on a trip with his family and this of course brought back her depression. She missed him, cried, and when they were finally back together, everything was ok for a few days (I am almost certain the excitement of being able to talk to one another was overriding her depression) - so, a few days later, her depression hit her, hard. And she told him she wanted to take a break from their relationship as she feared the it might affect him, so they split for almost a month until she couldn't take it anymore and began to send him messages again. And thus their relationship bloomed again, but this time it bloomed into one who he would try to support her as much as he could, until a few days later, he uttered the words; 'My little [Her name]' - She instantly messaged me that night, after they were done talking, about what she had felt and asked me why and of course the first thing came to my mind was that; she being a sub and had just discovered her 'little' side. So I took care of her as a little for that night and the next just to be sure that she was a little and not just a misinterpretation on my end. We had a few discussions about what it meant to be a little, I asked her to visit gD and showed her 'Searching for Littles / Caregivers' thread and it resonated with her. So she told him about the site and her little side - albeit, she was reluctant as she knew he hated the BDSM scene. And now comes the problem: she has admitted to him that she didn't mind the D/s style of love making and was willing to compromise and that their love life would turn to vanilla; so they tried a vanilla play style after a month of not talking to each other. She told me that while she did orgasm, it wasn't as 'powerful' as when she was having a D/s play session with her partner. She told him this, she said sorry and he comforted her, bringing the 'little side' out of her for that night. Now bare in mind he doesn't know how to take care of a little, he has visited the gD site and has told her to steer clear of this site as he feared her 'little' state of mind was brought on by her depression and that once the depression has been taken care of, her love for D/s and being in a ddlg frame of mind would go away as well and that this site was 'unhealthy' for her. Every time they discuss about their problem with the BDSM scene, and her trying to 'get rid' of it, she would feel as if they are slowly moving further and further away from each other. This 'issue' (him not liking BDSM and her desire to get rid of it for him) had been discussed between the two for almost for a week now, every single night and it has, somehow became the main topic of their talk. They hardly have any 'normal' conversations as they once had. And tonight, she told me that she had hit a new low in their relationship. She told me that while they still both love each other very much, she is beginning to have doubts as to whether they can work as couple, 'work' being; one requires the care of a daddy and the other being repulsed by it as a whole. She has told him that being a submissive in a play session isn't important, but her being a little is, as being a little actually affects how her life is (ability to cook, take care of herself, her needs, stuff like ability to drive while in a little frame of mind, etc). -- So my question and the thing that I need help with, after this wall of text is; - Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the other will not touch in this type of 'lifestyle' (she told me that he said; "Love making has to be gentle, loving and caring. How could pain be sexual?")? - If you were the submissive/little, and you had a partner like hers, would you be able to maintain a stable relationship? or would you go find someone else (bare in mind she can easily slip in and out of a 'little' frame of mind)? - Any help or advice as to how we can convince her partner to look into how to take care of a little (at the minimum) or how she can 'get rid' of her little side (My experience in how a lg thinks is minimal, so I am unsure if this is possible or not). - Any other advice for the couple? That is all for now. (Future questions will be posted as an update on this thread) I would like to say thank you first, for everyone's help & advice. It means a great deal to me as a friend and I am sure it means the world to these two young adults. __________________ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ HELLO, I'M M.G I HOPE YOU HAVE AN EXTREMELY KINKY DAY. - A DOM TRYING TO FIND HIMSELF - - B H- - AMA - - TUMBLR - ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

02-19-2015, 08:44 AM	#2
Jah Brother Distinguished Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 620 Blog Entries: 3	It really depends on how deep the BDSM flows through her, same with the little. But reading it it's seem that it flows pretty deep and can't be ignored, so don't try to ignore it, putting away emotions and desires is never good. And the same goes the other way around, if you ''force'' him to talk a DD or a dom role while he has no interest in it at all won't end good neither. I would advice to communicate about it but they clearly have done that. The best solution I can think off of the top of my head is to let her find a way to satisfy her BDSM/lg without him. Maybe in the form of an online dom, though this should of course be heavily discussed between them because obvious reasons. If I come up with more I'll let you know.

02-19-2015, 11:23 AM	#3
LitDarkness Truth or Dare Zealot Join Date: May 2014 Location: Earth Posts: 6,116 Blog Entries: 289	- Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the other will not touch in this type of 'lifestyle' (she told me that he said; "Love making has to be gentle, loving and caring. How could pain be sexual?")? Sadly, this would be hard and depends. Sounds like with her the answer is no. I think that is what is bringing her depression. - If you were the submissive/little, and you had a partner like hers, would you be able to maintain a stable relationship? or would you go find someone else (bare in mind she can easily slip in and out of a 'little' frame of mind)? I can't get out of my submissive frame of mind most of the time. No matter what I'll always be a submissive so I couldn't maintain a stable relationship, no. I'd find someone else and try to remain friends with the partner. - Any help or advice as to how we can convince her partner to look into how to take care of a little (at the minimum) or how she can 'get rid' of her little side (My experience in how a lg thinks is minimal, so I am unsure if this is possible or not). If he doesn't want to touch this life style then there is no convincing. You can't convince someone who doesn't want convinced or listen for that matter. - Any other advice for the couple? I'm going to be brutally honest. I think it's best for them if they break up. They are not right for each other and they will probably resent each other in the future if they stay together. __________________ M/Novisexual/24/sub Do have female parts. 30/1,603 edges+ 2 more days of denial after edges Make My Denial Harder Denial Diary 6,000th post tasks and reports Likes + Limits Stuff I Can Use for Dares BDSM Test Results PM DARES Stories & Poems Spelling or Grammar Mistake: Let Me Know Help Break My Cursing Habit Live with people and do not own toys. Keep in mind when daring me please. Not your bitch and calling me names or trying to Dom me is probitted. Violators will be declared as idiots.

02-20-2015, 12:23 PM	#6
eivins getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Jun 2014 Posts: 301	- Can you have a stable relationship where one of the partner who is a submissive and little, and the other will not touch in this type of 'lifestyle' (she told me that he said; "Love making has to be gentle, loving and caring. How could pain be sexual?")? I think the answer to this question can be yes, depending on the individuals involved but I don't think this is the case here. Problem #1: The guy is 18. Age certainly is just a number, but most eighteen year old boys are neither emotionally ready nor mature enough to be a daddy or a dom. This is not a rule, but just a VERY broad generalization. Based on the information you've provided, I would say that he does fit the general mold of not being ready for relationships like this (forgive me if I'm wrong). Maybe he will be one day! Outside of kinky relationships, love making isn't just gentle and caring! My last boyfriend and I were not a D/s couple in any way... but the sex was certainly on the kinkier end. Sometimes sweet and sometimes... waggles eyebrows I would say that I tended to "bottom". And that is enough for me, personally! Problem #2- It sounds like your friend's little side has made an appearance due to depression. Her little side could be somewhat unhealthy, in terms of the way she's using it to escape life. However, the absence of depression most likely won't make her little side go away. It's part of who she is now and she needs to embrace it. To be clear: I'm not saying that being a little is unhealthy. I do think that she needs to accept that side as part of her, and not use it to escape life. Not being able to drive or cook? I understand that being little is a frame of mind, but you need to be able to take part in life. You can't just call out of work because your little side is making an appearance. Problem #3- he's not interested in these things. And maybe that could be solved by agreeing that she should have a daddy dom online.. but he doesn't sound like the type of person who would be able to deal with that. I think he would be jealous and not understand. He seems to find D/s or D/lg unreasonable and unhealthy... so I doubt he would approve of her finding it elsewhere. However, it could still an option worth exploring. - If you were the submissive/little, and you had a partner like hers, would you be able to maintain a stable relationship? or would you go find someone else (bare in mind she can easily slip in and out of a 'little' frame of mind)? For point of reference, I am a submissive with little tendencies. I don't have a little frame of mind and I don't need a daddy. But I do need a very caring person when it comes to D/s or even in a vanilla relationship. I think we all desire different things out of relationships, and we shouldn't settle for less. Him not being interested in D/s wouldn't bother me as long as he was willing to have some fun in the bedroom! If I slipped into a little frame of mind, I think it's important to have someone who will support you. It doesn't mean they have to take on the roll of daddy. Maybe he's caught up on titles? "I'm 18.. I'm not a daddy!" But he still can be a caring and supportive boyfriend. If not? I don't think the relationship could work. - Any help or advice as to how we can convince her partner to look into how to take care of a little (at the minimum) or how she can 'get rid' of her little side (My expepience in how a lg thinks is minimal, so I am unsure if this is possible or not). You can't just "convince" someone to want to do something... and it would be a very bad idea for her to just 'get rid' of her little side. - Any other advice for the couple? They should really evaluate what they need from each other. Communicate and discuss everything! Even if he can accept that she's a little, it doesn't sound like he's willing to embrace the roll. I think that she needs to do what will be best and healthiest for her. Depression is not an easy thing to overcome! I think they may find that they're better off as friends, for now. Maybe they just have a little more maturing to do.

02-20-2015, 11:52 PM	#7
justJane getDare is Go Go Go Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: USA Posts: 319 Blog Entries: 2	I agree with the previous posts. I think either person trying to force themselves to be something they are not is going to end up disastrously - at some point. In my experience, trying to keep D/s thoughts to oneself and in fantasies alone will leave one dissatisfied, which will lead to problems in other areas as well. It really depends on the person, but for myself, having some kink that isn't really D/s isn't enough - a lesson well earned and not for lack of trying. From what you've described, it sounds like she should either end it now before it gets even harder, and hopefully remain friends with the guy, or like others have said, explore that part of herself with someone else, if they are both poly, or he's okay with her being so. That last part can be incredibly difficult, impossible if the people involved aren't completely okay with it and honest with one another. Generally, my advice to anyone in that situation would be to end it because if it is hard now, or her partner isn't that interested in it now, that will only intensify over time, it most likely won't improve, and she'll be miserable. I do hope your friend gets some help with her depression, it sounds like she is in a very hard place. I'm glad she has a friend like you.

02-22-2015, 07:26 AM	#10
Jah Brother Distinguished Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 620 Blog Entries: 3	Really glad to hear they found a way Though I think it's a shame because I think more people struggle with similair problems, but that's up to them of course.

03-01-2015, 06:46 AM	#11
Tease Whiny Weasel Hunter Join Date: Dec 2012 Location: UK Posts: 361 Blog Entries: 9	Glad they found a compromise to the situation. It can work, my JL is a slave and a little but is married in a vanilla relationship, she satisfies her kink side by submitting online. It takes a lot of understanding and talking from both sides to make it work and understand what the other needs.