Give advice to newbies

[lilith_]

Hello!

When I first got into BDSM I made an account here but now, looking back, I wish someone had given me advice. Getdare seems to be so focused on horny dudes who want to get off that newbies sadly miss the point. Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with just wanting to get off or being in an online on-off relationship with someone only for sexual purposes, but this could cause a lot of confusion to someone who's just starting out.

So, I am calling all the experienced members of GetDare! Newbies need to be saved from all the traps and dangers! I'm also calling all the inexperienced members of GetDare to ask questions! (don't be shyyyy)




P.S. I'm not sure if there is another similar thread (if there is delete this one )

[wolf82]

I vaguely thought I remembered a similar thread like this before, but can't find it now. Perhaps someone else remembers it (if it did indeed exist) and knows where to find it.

Nonetheless, the absolute biggest thing I want to point out is for newbies (though this does go for many "veterans" too) is to not jump head first into a relationship without first knowing what you are jumping into. Take the time to talk to the other user and not only get to know them but also talk about what both your goals are for the relationship. If you are new to BDSM, make sure you talk about at what pace you want the relationship to move. Make sure the other person is going to move at the pace you want to move and is going to ensure your satisfied with what you are getting out of the relationship, if that's important to you. If you take the time to get to know each other, trust me, it will be for the best and if it's all meant to work out, then it will work out.

If any newbies have any specific questions, definitely be sure to drop them into this thread. Or, if you're feeling a little shy, drop them into my inbox and with your permission, I'll post them into this thread without identifying you as the one asking the question so that the rest of gD can chime in and other newbies can learn as well.

[Dom Male]

Welcome to our wonderful lifestyle.

So many options. So many Kinks.

First advise to everyone... TAKE YOUR TIME.

This is the first day of the rest of your life. Look around. Find what tickles your fancy, and learn more. ASK LOTS OF QUESTIONS.

Your kinks may not be my kinks, that doesn't make it wrong.

Laugh often.

Never stop being you, at the end of the day you are one of a kind.

If I can help drop me a DM.

[anoo666]

Bumping this a bit as i think it is a great idea, but hard for people to have the courage to use it.

I also offer to answer all questions people might have about d/s, as long as i know an answer.

No matter if dom or sub if you are new or have a question you don't need to feel bad for asking.

[GargoilBackpack]

My question as a slave to doms is what would you want to see included in an ad for a slave?

[lilith_]

Originally Posted by GargoilBackpack

My question as a slave to doms is what would you want to see included in an ad for a slave?

Personally, (when I was more dominant than submissive) what I wanted to see most was their personality. Long detailed ads are the best. I think both vanilla and kinky things should be in it, like hobbies, favorite activities, movies, books and of course detailed lists of their likes, dislikes and limits. Oh! And toys! Also it's really important for them to explain what kind of relationship they want, I think it's a nice idea to describe an ideal relationship, even if it's almost impossible for it to happen, it gives the other people an idea of your desires.

Good grammar, spelling and humor are also very important!

[herpderp42]

I agree with lilith but I would like to add that an ad searching for a sub instead of a dom should focus on the same things in my opinion.
But I like that you asked. Shows that you try to do it properly.

[lilith_]

Advice to new Doms

- Talk to subs the same way you talk to anyone else. It's very important to remember that just because someone is submissive, they are not YOUR sub and they should be respected and treated kindly.

- Don't hide behind your screen! Talk to people online the same way you'd talk to them offline. Showing your penis to a random person irl would most likely make you a sex offender, online is NO different.

- Not everyone likes name calling and not every sub identifies as a "slut". Don't call people those things unless you have first asked them if it is okay.

- Think before giving a dare. Does it involve clueless people whose consent is violated? (using their underwear, belongings, clothes, been seen by vanilla - or not - people who have no desire of seeing you, etc..) Is it dangerous? (tying up balls tighty for too long for example can be dangerous) is it illegal?

- You should not forget that a D/s relationship is a RELATIONSHIP. You need to care for your submissive and not use BDSM as an excuse to act out on your sadistic (but asshole) impulses.

- Remember! Wanting to hurt another person (consensually, in a BDSM scene) does NOT make you a bad person!

- Relationships take time to form. Just like a vanilla relationship can't happen in a day, a BDSM relationship is no different. In fact it needs much more time for it to grow and you shouldn't dive into it too fast and rush into things. Take your time to get to know your partner. Strong feelings of friendship and love make it much easier to trust and there's nothing more wonderful than a strong, trusting BDSM relationship.

- Don't be afraid to open up or seem weak. You might be a Dom but you're still a person with feelings, insecurities and fears. Talking about it with your sub doesn't make you any less of a Dom and it makes your relationship stronger. Doms cry too!

- This is a bit controversial but personally I think it is very wrong to hide your online and/or kinky side from your clueless vanilla partners.

I might edit this and update it if I think of more :P

[Joker50]

Funnily enough I was involved in a similar conversation like this the other day but that was about dares and doing them and reports etc. So bear with me:

Question: Why do doms etc always give out the same dares, you know cut and paste?
Answer (from my point of view): Because there are so few actual reports written that after a while creating something new becomes a waste of time.

And this is similar too: I write to new subs or get asked by new subs for advice but once I give it and ask them a question back, I don't get a reply or simply 'oh so and so offered me this and I think its what I want and he/she was first to reply. Two weeks later if it lasts that long the sub is looking again and i sometimes write and ask why and the reply is often: I didn't take my time I thought he/she would be great and it was boring. I don't know if I can be bothered to stay.

You cannot begin to establish any form of relationship, dom or sub, unless you talk to each other, its the basic number one must do.

Don't expect it to be fabulous from day one - it takes time and effort on both sides.

If you advertise make sure the person replying to your advert really does fit in with what you want. If you want to get covered in jello but the person offering says they will do that but they really prefer to give out pain dares, it is a bad fit. don't jump in to something that is wrong for you.

There is something else too: Don't take PM applications. This way you can remove all the messages that will flood your in box (especially if you are female) offering to be a master or sub for you.

I hope this makes sense.

J5o

[Henna]

I've been on Gd a few months now and I realised that some dares are just nuts. If someone gives you a dare that seems completely and utterly ridiculous, then don't do it. Especially if they're dangerous dares.
Listen to your gut feeling. This goes to literally everyone. You don't wanna end up in the ER with 3 bananas and a handful marshmallows up your ass.