[Fiction] Caroline becomes a Sex Slave

[Saphir]

Hey,

As requested, my opinion... ;3

Overall it is good, but there are some things that can be improved/that I would do different.

(I have only read about 1/3, the beginning and the end, only skimmed through the rest, pee isn't really my thing, and it's pretty pornographic and I'm short on time, it's a lot of text really).

At some points it's confusing, maybe it's me not getting it, sometimes it's because you don't really mark direct speech and mix it with indirect speech...

Well Shawn I need to know one thing that you are planing if I decide to take the vacation with you guys. But what I really want to hear is something very kinky.

The story is told from a first person narrator and you don't mark direct speech that contains I? bad idea^^ 2nd sentence sounds weird to me

Lots of things started coming to mind because I have given tt a lot of thought.

because I had given - if I'm not totally mistaken when it comes to grammar ^^ generally it doesn't sound too good anyway...

We gave her some dates because I know this was going to happen in the next 30 days. Kate was able to make her schedule as well as she knew it was going to happen soon.

knew

Caroline said Yes but before we log off....Master I need to pee!

Again, it would be way better to mark direct speech as what it is (with "...")
why Yes capitalized? Well probably because you start a sentence there, but then mark it xD

She looked a little worried and said how much might I be making. Caroline sounded worried.

Just before 9:00 the next day Kate called and said I am almost there and it is pouring rain out I will be there in a few.

----------------------------

Okay than kneel like you were doing before on your bed and find a glass bowl to pee in. Make sure we can see the stream.
....
She than clicked on my name to reveal a photo of my self.
...
I didn’t even realize until than that she hadn’t been wearing a bra.

the mistake literally everyone does ^^

other small things...

Caroline i got to questions for you.
...
So here is the deal both of you will not know the destination (this is not one sentence, but you write as if it was)
...
I want you to drink to drink one 2 liter bottle
...
No, you need to eat a late night snack. You did I asked correct? (what?!)
...
I was awaken buy someone moving around in the bed. It was Lyndsay..
...
She ran into my office and she was soaking wet (from the rain). (I would not make it like this... why not say that it rains instead of breaking the reading flow with annotations)
...
Yep it pouring rain outside today, telling Caroline. (what?!)

____________________________

Mostly your writing style is good, I didn't feel bored by the wording, and the formatting is good, etc...

But taking more care of mistakes like then/than, typos (buy/by), sentences that make so sense (wrong grammar/words missing/etc.), and especially marking the direct speech to make clear when you are describing, when a character says something and when a character says something that someone else said... you could improve your story (the flow) for the readers. :3

It is more the small things really, not the huge stuff...

Oh and maybe don't post too frequently (some of the old posts where very close behind each other), so readers have time to read and comment before the next chapter. Just save the chap and post it a few days later when you don't have the time to write or so... :3

Keep up the good work!

Love
Saphir

Ps: I didn't have too much time for this, and I'm not a native speaker myself Sorry if I fucked up the wording or grammar or something in this post. :3 Just send me another message if you got any questions or so

[Shadowice]

such a great story i never been one or pee but it was kind of hot in your story. Sounds like a fun trip, would love to know whats real and whats made up, but i guess it adds to the story not knowing.

[Littleprincess]

Are you going to write more?! U shuld this story is really good.

[Slave_E]

Hello ShawnC and naked_dare-girl,

You said "MORE SOON" in the last episode. So pleeeeze go on writing such fabulous stories. This series is so hot! We all have got used to the adventures of Shawn, Kate, Lindsay and expecially sweet Caroline! You can't leave us like this. We want to know what comes next!

You do not have to talk about Vegas any more, if you do not want to. We would love to know about our hero's everyday life. How they fare with their kinky lifestyle in real life. How Shawn dares Kate to act submissive in her job, how Shawn makes Caroline his full time slave and how Lindsay longs for her visits to Shawn and the girls and how Shawn makes deal after deal with her, taking advantage of her kinky needs.... There is so much more to tell.... Please do it!

Your ardent fan, Slave_E

[Dareholic]

I like this story, please continue.

[ivyouall]

is it gonna continue

[masters_kitten]

some spelling mistakes but not bad

[ShawnC]

I have decided to get another chapter in after taking a long break.

----

Just before leaving the room I noticed the bed was all torn apart and wet. I set down a $100 bill and with a quick note “Sorry for the mess!”

Caroline walked out of the room last with her clothes in her hand and put them on in the hall way.

That was when we noticed that she had a little bit of an audience. This maid was almost ready to entire our room when we came out. She was about 5”5 or so very slim. Long black hair in a pony tail. She looked slightly tan and her outfit well lest just say it fit perfect. Her blouse had the top 3 buttons open and a black tight skirt was pretty short.
She was watching Caroline as I walked up to her and noticed her name tag said Nicole.

Well Hello Nicole, I said. Are you about to clean our room?

Yes, is there anything I can get you? she asked.

No everything is fine. We just are leaving for awhile but you may notice that I left $100 bill on the bed. That’s for you... I was just wondering are you working this whole week?

Yes this is my first shift this week, but sir you don’t have to tip me that much. she said.

Well things got a little crazy last night and you will need to do the sheets for sure.

Not a problem the pleasure is mine. she said.

I glanced at the Kate and she was bright red. Caroline was still adjusting her clothes.

Well thanks again, and I can promise a good tip if you leave the room cleaned up for us each day. We might be doing something similar again.

With that we took off in the elevator.

In the elevator Kate spoke up first... Shawn we pissed all over that place. I am so embarrassed.

Well $100 should be appropriate I would think. Caroline spoke up. Hope she does a good job.

I think she was checking you out Caroline, of course who wouldn't? Kate said.

We all smirked as we went to find some quick food and start shopping for some swim suits.

[ShawnC]

We entered the casino floor to the chiming of bells and whistles. Within moments we found a Starbuck with some muffins and rolls. I let the girls pick whatever they wanted but I added 2 of the cold water bottles.

When I reached to pay I noticed I set my phone to vibrate. Three messages and one missed call.

We sat down and a read out load for the girls to hear.

The first message:
Hey Shawn this is Ashley you slutty waitress and I am finished my shift and am sending this little report. I noticed 8 guys looking down my shirt 2 of them were with a female. So I didn’t make a big scene. But tried to bend down a little for a better view. The other six guys were with a large group of men for a bachelor party. I will send a little more info on next text...

Message two:
The guys were using the same little room you were using. I walked into cat calls and smiles. I asked what I could get them and one guy spoke up ..A better look at those would be great.. I admit I blushed and all of the guys were staring at me. I slowly bent down and took both hands to lower my dress.. It was only down for maybe 30 seconds. I adjusted and said that it is on me...

Message three:
That was all I did for them. I was afraid they would get me fired. But I want you to thank you and your girls for the naughty fun I had tonight. See ya later ASH!

I set the phone down and noticed both Caroline and Kate gazing into each others eyes. It was than I noticed that Kate had her fingers on one of Carolines nipples. They were just popping out slightly over the top of her low cut shirt.

As I smirked, I said .. Guy’s! ..Don’t do anything to drastic.

Caroline hunched forward and sipped her coffee shake in front of her. You would have had to be setting like 2 feet in front of her to tell what was going on. But Kate continued to caress her nipple in between her two fingers.

My phone rumbled as it was still on vibrate. It was a voice mail from Ashley. I turned the speaker on and let the girls and I listen.

Shawn this is Ashley! I hope I am not bothering you but I went home and... I... um well I will just say it I am so F-ing horny for tonight and I was hoping to talk to you are Kate or Caroline. Well write now I have a pair of vibrating panties on and I ah just turned them on and I ...( her pace was getting faster and higher) well I....this is for you guys.. I am going to set my phone down by my pussy and put it on speaker...

For a short while all we could hear is a buzzing sound. Than slowly she started to moan, it started as a slight OH than got loader. Than OHHH I CUMMING..I AM OHH FUCK HOLY FUCK I AM CUMMING!!!

Click... the phone dropped and the message was over..

[Dareholic]

Great updates, please continue.

[ShawnC]

Well Master..what do you plan on doing with her? Caroline asked.

I will see what happens later today, I said. But for now we need to get you sex girls in to some bikini wear for our day at the pool. Honestly we will be in the pool most of the day. I reserved a deluxe cabana for the day with a pool hostess and she will be waiting on us all day. Actually she will be waiting for us if we don't get you guys those swim wear.

With that we walked into The Miacle Mile Shop next to the Planet Hollywood.

The stores were just opening up as I walked between the girls. Very quickly we found Bikini Bay. The girl just open the doors as we walked in.

A girl maybe a little over 5 ft 5 or so in a jean shorts and a blue v-neck shirt with black bra. She had a little name tag that hung around her neck. It said Samantha and had the title Manager.

Hey guys welcome to Bikini Bay! Are looking for some specific that I can help you with? she said.

Why yes! actually I am looking for something for the two hotties. I said.

Okay-?
Catching her off guard a little I walked right up to her and said
You see Samantha I want the two hotties in the skimpiest bikinis you have. So can you show us our options?

Well than we do have some skimpy ones but if you want the revealing one you might need to go to the Sex shop a few block away. Thats the one I go for the naughty stuff....Samantha became bright red and all of us stopped to make sure what she said.

Oh I am so sorry .... I should not have said that. she was still blushing as she said it.

I stepped in closer towards her and said...Oh trust me you don’t have to apologize to us. That’s why we are in Vegas.

I was feeling pretty bold and said oh what the fuck let’s just say it like it is.

We are in Vegas for one reason and that’s sex. The girls need to a bikini for today because I want as many people to notice them as possible.

Her jaw sorta dropped open and it was a awkward 20 seconds of silence as the both of us starred into each others eyes.

Wow that got me all hot an bothered but I guess what happens in vegas stays in vegas!

She exclaimed and all of us relaxed as Kate and Caroline let out short giggle.

Samantha walked toward the back near the dressing rooms.

This is what I call our sexiest and skimpiest styles. she said as she pointed to the two styles.

The design was the tie style bikini and had two options for colors. One was dark blue with white trim and the other white with blue trim.

Um I pondered a moment and said. I guess this will do with some small adjustments. Why don’t you size them up one color for each girl?

Well I am 34 B and she pointing to Kate must be close to that. As far as her she much bigger, girl you have some amazing breast girl.

Caroline blushes and said thank you. They grabbed a few sizes and we headed to the first changing room. It was the biggest one of the three. Samantha opened the door as I waited just out side.

Kate and Caroline immediately through of the shirts and shorts and both Sam and I just stood by the door watching..

Well I don’t see girls get naked that fast around here before. Sam said as she smirked at me.

What you wanted us to try them on? Kate asked.

Both the first choices fit perfect. In fact Sam helped Caroline tie the last part up.

Samantha do you have a scissors?

She walked over to her counter and handed it to me.

Caroline come here please.

She walked out of the dressing room and I pulled down the bottom part off. I grabbed the crotch part and noticed it had the liner in it on that spot for some type of protection.
I cut it out and handed the scissors back with the fabric to Samantha.

All the girls were shocked at what was going on, and no one said anything.

Samantha will you ring us up along with some sunglass. Girls go and pick one out.
They started walking over to the shelve closer to the front entrance when Caroline looked at my hands.

Oh you want them back on? I asked..

I...I’ll do what you want. Caroline said.

No come here and I will tie them back on, but lets get going quick.

Yes Master thank you for letting me wear something at least. Caroline said.

READERS NOTE: I hope you are enjoying this story, but I wonder if anyone actually wants me to continue besides dareholic?

[DethFreak]

This is the first story I read on Getdare and it is one of my favorites. I'm glad you are continuing this story. So please don't stop.

[taw210]

I'd like it to continue

[archie21]

Keeo it going, its fun

[Shadowice]

i want you to continue been waiting a long time was disappointed it stopped in middle of story!