THE AWAKENING: Road to Self-Discovery

[FrostbittenSoul]

THE AWAKENING: Finding Your Voice

POV: Andy

"People will only treat you as badly as you teach them they can."—Author Unknown.

Growing up, I was always extremely shy, and I often had a very hard time looking anyone in the eye. Usually, I just kept my head down, and looked at the floor, or my feet. In 1990, I was 25-years-old, working full-time, and also had part-time side hustle. This younger, and very geeky, version of me was still as shy as fuck and didn't know the first thing about BDSM, or being a Dom. During the spring of that year, I met a woman (Darlene) and we hit it off big time after only few conversations. Later, I would find out that she was a few years older than me, and she also had a young daughter.

It wasn't long before I could see that Darlene was very forward and came on very strong, and I started going to her place on almost a daily basis. As the days wore on, I quickly notice that she was wearing less and less during my visits. Often, she would just stand there in just a bathrobe, and would reveal more and more skin, the longer I stayed. Of course, the horny little bastard inside me was much stronger than the shy little geeky guy that usually walked this earth, and soon enough, he took control.

I honestly don't know where it came from, but I started getting bolder and bolder and one thing lead to another. I went to see Darlene one day on my lunch break, and soon I was fucking her hard on her kitchen countertop with my pants keeping my ankles warm, since I was even in too much of a horny rush to take them completely off. She was very vocal and very passionate, and had an insatiable appetite for rough sex. She scratched the fuck out of my shoulders, clawed my back to shreds, and it turned this little geek on so much.

After it was over, I was hooked, and this soon became a daily noon-time event for a couple of weeks, although we shifted to her bedroom. Some days, I would also go back after work for another round. At the beginning, it was just this raw animal sex, nothing more, and she said that was all she wanted. She also assured me that I could have as much sex as I could handle, and I could even bring along a friend, or two, if I wanted. Have you ever heard of a geek that could resist and offer like that? Didn't think so.

Anyway, this continued one-on-one for maybe two months. By then, my cock was sore by the time I slipped into bed every night. Of course, I wanted to spend time with her, so when I was too sore to fuck, we started doing other things together. It was then that Darlene introduced me to her daughter, but her daughter absolutely despised me at first.

Things progressed and evolved from there and within two or three months we were living together. However, the closer we got, the more the daughter hated me. She even punched me in the face one day, and gave me a bloody nose as a reminder of that. I later found out the reason was that she had been sleeping in her mother's bed since she was small, and of course she had to sleep in her own room once I came into her life. So, there was a lot of resentment and animosity there because I was taking "her time" away from her mother.

Over the next year I kept trying to get closer to the daughter, but I didn't push her. I knew if she was going to accept me, it had to be done on her terms, and I couldn't force it. Darlene and I started doing more and more together, but I always insisted that the daughter be included in everything. I had to make her feel like we were family, instead of making her think an outsider had "stolen" her mother away.

* * *

At that point in our story, the daughter had only met her father once, so she never really knew him. Eventually, I could see some hope in her eyes, and her hatefulness was slowly turning into acceptance, then friendship, and finally love. I almost had tears in my eyes the first time she introduced me as her step-dad to one of her friends, it was such a wonderful feeling.

But, as things progress with the daughter, I found that Darlene was getting more and more angry. She was having bad mood swings and was starting to get more and more aggressive with me, because she was getting jealous of how close I was getting with her daughter. When I had trips planned for the "family", Darlene wanted to leave her daughter with her parents so it was just the two of us. Of course, I wouldn't go for that, and always took the daughter along.

Eventually, this led to a rift between Darlene and I. She started doing more things with her friends, and "girls night out" became a regular weekly event, sometimes twice a week. Since I didn't drink, spending a night at a bar with a group of drunken people had no appeal for me, so I stayed home with the daughter, which of course just made the situation worse.

Starting about two years (or so) into the relationship, Darlene started getting very abusive. We were always fighting, she was always screaming, and I was even told that she was cheating on me, which I had actually suspected for a few months before hearing it. Darlene also started treating her daughter like shit.

It got so bad that at one point the daughter said that she wanted to go live with her real father to get away from her mother, and Darlene actually encouraged her to go. While I was broken hearted, I figured once the daughter was gone I could at least get out of the relationship, because she was the only reason I was staying at that point. Within a week or so, the daughter moved almost 500 miles away to live with her father that she had only met a few times by then.

Once the daughter was gone, I assumed that Darlene and I were done. However, I decided to wait for a day or two before breaking it off. Of course, Darlene thought everything would go back to what she considered "normal" between us, but I had other plans. When she noticed me packing a bag a few days later, she came up behind me and start whacking me with a broom handle. She ended up bashing me up pretty good before I got out of the house.

After getting treatment at the local ER, the only place I had to go was my parent's home, so I stayed there for the next few days. Within a week, I got a call from the daughter. She wanted me to come pick her up and take her back home, since it wasn't working out with her father. I jumped in my car that night and drove the 500 miles to get her. When I pulled into the yard the next morning, she was standing in the driveway waiting with her bags, and her father was standing beside her.

I had never met her father before, but I knew he was a big time drug dealer, and had a violent temper, so I didn't know what to expect. I was scared shitless. I got out of the car and the daughter immediately started loading her bags into my trunk. I soon found out that her father was actually very glad to see her go. He said that she was a burden on him and his wife, one that he didn't have time for right now.

All I said was: "She's your fucking daughter, man, and she just heard everything you said." He just walk away saying: "Take her back home ... we're done here."

So, the daughter and I were soon driving back home. Along the way, I asked if she could go live with her grandparents, since I was no longer with her mother any more, and didn't want to go back. She just looked at me and started to cry. "Take me back to my father's place," were the next words out of her mouth. I asked why, and she said: "If you're not with mom, then I don't want to go back there, so take me back." So right there I made the decision to go back with Darlene for the daughter's sake, and we continued the trip home.

* * *

The next few years were an absolute living hell for me, and the abuse got worse and worse. Darlene kept up with her attacks, hitting me with whatever she could get her hands on when she was angry. Even her best friend couldn't understand why I stayed with her, but I did. She even pulled a knife on me twice, and she would have probably stabbed me if the daughter hadn't stepped in between us. As you can imagine, I was living in absolute fear for my life at the time, and never knew when the next attack was coming.

While I always tried to protect myself as best as I could, I never hit her. I just got out of the house and left as quickly as I could, usually with Darlene throwing something at my car as I made my way down the driveway. One night before she planned to attack me, she went outside first and rammed my car into a tree so I couldn't use it to "escape" from her, she went psycho after that. It was lucky that our neighbour had heard the commotion, and called the police.

As the years went on, the one thing I noticed was that this once shy and geeky little boy was starting to get a backbone, and I was finally starting to stand up for myself. Up to this point I had always backed-down and let Darlene rage on, but one night after an all out shit show, I just lost it on her, and instead of running away, I stood my ground. While I would never hit her, whenever she tried to swing something at me, I grabbed her by the arm and twisted it until she let it go, then I would force her to her knees. I was lifting weights back then and I was quite muscular, but I would still never hit a woman.

The look of surprise on Darlene's face the first time it happened, was priceless. The second time it happened, she was even more shocked because she tried to surprise me with her attack. The third time I grabbed hold of her and ripped her clothes off, then forced her to the floor, and she was in total shock. I was so hot and horny that I took out my cock and shoved it in her mouth. She stayed on her knees in front of me, and gave me the best blowjob that I had in a very long time. For better or worse, I know that night was the tipping point that started my journey into becoming a Dom.

* * *

My new found assertiveness with Darlene continued until one Saturday night during the summer of 1996. It was about five o'clock in the morning, I was in bed asleep, and Darlene was at an all-night party at a friend's place. The phone rang and it was her best friend telling me that Darlene had just left the party and was walking home thru the big park that was between where the party was being held, and where our house was located. The friend said that Darlene was quite drunk and that I should maybe meet her half-way to make sure she got home safely.

As the sun was just coming up, I got up, got dressed, and made my way along the walking path thru the park. It took another 5 minutes before I found Darlene, laying almost naked at the side on the path, moaning and groaning with some guy fucking the shit out of her. I just walked up quietly and stood there until they were finished. Just when they were done, I leaned in and Darlene finally saw me. She tried to make some excuses, but I said that it was over between us. I ran back to the house, jumped in my car and left, without even packing my stuff.

The break-up was very messy, but I eventually got thru it. Her best friend later told me that she knew Darlene and the guy would ended up fucking on the way home, and that was why she had called me. She also told me that Darlene had been cheating on me for years, and that I didn't deserve that since I had been so good to both her and her daughter. The only thing I regretted was that I left the daughter too, but she ended up moving in with her grandparents a few days after I left.

* * *

As time went on, I moved on and calmed down, but the memory of that first night when I took control stayed with me, and played profoundly on my mind. Every time I thought about it, I would get more and more aroused with how forceful I had been that night. I often pictured Darlene on her knees in front of me, moan and groaning and rubbing herself as I fucked her face hard. And in the days that followed that first night, that feeling of dominance and control just kept getting stronger and stronger, as Darlene was transformed from a very abusive and violent woman, into a very submissive and obedient slut.

Almost a year later, I decide that I had to go to Darlene's place to get some of the stuff that I had left behind. I called her first, and she told me that most of it was still in her basement, and that I could come around any time to pick it up. About a week later, while I was on a lunch break, I arrived at her house and knocked on the door. When she answered, I forced my way in, then forced her down on the floor. I then told her to take down my pants and suck my cock like the whore she was.

She looked up at me very surprised, but she didn't even say a word, or resist. She unbuckled my pants, undid the snap and zipper, then proceeded to suck my cock. After I came in her mouth, I told her to swallow, something she had always refused to do before. She looked up, gulped it down then I made her open her mouth to show me it was gone. I had such a wonderful feeling of finally getting the upper hand with her. I knew she wanted me to fuck her, but I just got dressed and walked out the door and told her I would swing by the next day at the same time.

As I was leaving, I told her to leave the door open and to be waiting naked on her knees when I arrived, so she could do it for me again. Sure enough, when I got there the next day, she was naked, and on her knees in the middle of her kitchen. I went in, got the blowjob, then left again. This went on for a few days, and she did whatever I told her to do.

Darlene ended up being my first Sub, while I started looking into what BDSM was all about. Much to my surprise, she was actually very submissive and was good at following my orders. We even got along much, much better as a Dom and Sub than we ever did as a couple. It went back to that raw animal sex mode with her, with a lot of BDSM also throw in. It was a tremendous time of exploration and discovery and learning for me.

However, when I stepped back and looked at what I was doing with Darlene, all I could see was that it was my way of getting revenge on her for what she had put me thru all those years. I didn't like that feeling, and I just couldn't get by it. There was no connection with her, no shared feeling, there was nothing appealing about her, except her willingness to submit for me. She was mortified when I finally ended it, and she pleaded and begged for me not to leave her again. But, in the end I knew I wanted much more from a relationship than she could give me, so I moved on.

After my time with Darlene, I went into a kind of a downward spiral. It was a weird time of confusion and self-doubt, and I was lost and very untrusting of women. However, when I now look back at my time with her, I never regretted any of it. She changed me from a person with low self-esteem, into someone that had much more self-confidence and courage, and I was now willing to fight for what I wanted out of life.

When I first met the woman that I was with for 15 years a few years later, I knew that she was way out of my league. The old shy and geeky Andy would never have a chance with her, but that didn't stop the new confident and intellectual-badass Andy. I went after her, I got her on my first try, and I turned her into my full-time Sub. But that is another story.

* * *

It took me the first 30 years of my life to find my "voice" and to be able to finally stand up for myself and tell someone that their behavior was unacceptable. It was a lesson that will remain with me for the rest of my days, and it will always be part of my teaching as a Mentor Dom.

When you read Phoebe's last post, you will see all the signs of BDSM gone wrong. It is not the first time I have read such horror stories of Subs enduring extreme abuse because they feel this is what they must do to be a good sub and please their Dom. It seems many Subs feel that they do not have a say and just end up enduring the suffering in silence, and their voice goes unheard.

I am here to tell you that it doesn't matter whether you are in a vanilla relationship, or a BSDM inspired relationship, teaching people how to treat you properly is a process that involves teaching them what is acceptable behavior, and what is not. Even though you may chose to live your life as a Submissive, you are still allowed to set limits for how you are treated. And if a Dom crosses those limits, it is time for you to pull the plug and take back control of the reins, and stand up for yourself. Please stick around to learn how.