✖✖ Ask a Leopard for Useful and Practical Advice ✖

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 08:33 AM

Cold hearted, rational advice that you probably don't want to hear, courtesy of a jerk that may also give complete joke responses alongside. Roar.

I will not answer "questions" that aren't actually asking for advice. I have an ask me anything thread for that.

Trolls will be eaten.

Ask for advice!
(All Submissions are Anonymous.)

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 08:44 AM

❝ I'm really hungry, what do I do? ❞

Hunt small children.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 08:50 AM

❝ I really love Pingu, but he is only interested in incest and donkeys. It's making me so upset. Help please! ❞

PM him with the lyrics to romantic songs translated to French. The whole song. It’s the only way through to his heart.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 08:51 AM

❝ I like meat but I'm a vegetarian, how can I eat meat but not eat meat but secretly eat meat. ❞

Invest in tofu. So much tofu that you can build castles with the stuff. Then paint it meat coloured.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 10:19 AM

❝ Every time I walk, run or jog, my penis goes up inside me. It hurts, and is extremely uncomfortable. I know I should go see a doctor, but I'd much rather get advice from you, as it's quicker and less embarrassing. Please help? ❞

Duct tape. Lots of duct tape. Duct tape holds the universe together, and we can all agree that the universe is more important than one person, so who are you to argue with what fixes the universe? Duct tape that cock in place.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 10:23 AM

❝ Why can't I get a girlfriend? ❞

Usually I've found that you find one when you've stopped looking or trying; running around screaming from every rooftop never works. Well it does sometimes, but only at Christmas and you don't really want to date Santa. The best advice is usually to make friends with people, and make a move before being friend-zoned. And by make a move I mean tell them or kiss them, not look longingly or hang around with sad puppy looks or obviously seeking attention. And not a friggen text or email. Man up and say it properly. Yeah.

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 12:46 AM

❝ HOW THE FUCK DO I FIX HOTMAIL?! ❞

Get gmail, it's better in every way.

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 03:19 AM

❝ My fingers are sore. What ever shall I do my dearest Leopard? ❞

Cut them off, and donate them to science. Use the money to buy candy which will make you feel better.

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 05:21 AM

❝ If I were paddling upstream in a river of chocolate pudding in a kayak and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes can fit inside a doghouse? (Urgent) ❞

I'll get back to you.

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 05:24 AM

❝ Why are you so mean?
Can we report you to depp for trolling? ❞

It's the result of many years' careful breeding and select feeding on only the tenderest of braised duck. I don't think I'm mean; I'm honest. The truth just hurts because people want it sugar coated so that they can feel better about their self pity. Accept responsibility for your own actions.

Sure you can, if I ever troll. But I'm not trolling

Am I?

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 05:33 AM

❝ I have too many questions, so instead of spamming you, i will ask them all in one post.

If there is a leppy that hunts at night, and a leopard that hunts during the day, and then they got into a fight in the afternoon, would they
actually fight or just share a meal?

Assuming there were humungous 15 inch strap on dildoes involved on both sides, would I be screwed by the leppy leopards?

Whenever i watch them fight like that, I get all horny, and i want to cut a hole in their fur and use a straw to blow them up so that they'd be deskinned, and then I would eat their flesh. Is this normal?

I think I have a hand fetish. I like staring at them and then imagine myself use a knife to slice their hands open and look at the flesh and muscles torn open. I usually masturbate to that, but Im scared to tell my boyfriend about this fetish because he would be scared away.

I had a dream last night, where you ate an apple it was scary. DO YOU EAT APPLES?! by the way, I have a thing for apples. The way their skin breaks when you sink their teeth in... but ANYWAYS I was wondering, if I ate an apple with 7 seeds, and spat 3 out, and swallowed the 4, and puked out 1, and then digested the 3, would I still have eaten an apple?

Why do leopards make me horny? (not you, the animals...)

I like eating flesh.

Oh. There's this other guy that i like, and i have dreams where you would come over and rape me and then pull out my teeth, and make that guy I like swallow my pulled teeth. You wouldn't really do that right?

THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS YOU ADVICE IS HIGHLY APPRECIATED!
(sorry if i ask too many questions. i simply have too many to ask, which is why i have so many that im asking, thus, i have too many questions. it sucks.) ❞

They'd mate and devolve into Eevee.

Less screwed, more impaled. I've always loved the name "The Impaler". It sounds so big and one sided. You don't moan like a maiden 'Oh, please, impale me on you.' You just get impaled and scream as you-- -dragged away by censors-

I don't think so because you never mentioned removing the flesh and insides from the fur, only cutting a small hole and blowing with a straw. So I don't think it'd be normal to be able to eat the flesh as a result.

I don't think this is really true. But if it is true, it's kind of interesting. However, I don't want to be your boyfriend. I'd be scared away too. I'd keep that particular kink to yourself.

THESE AREN'T EVEN ASKING FOR ADVICE; THEY'RE JUST QUESTIONS.

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 09:30 PM

❝ i want to be on a reailty show!!!!! ❞

Cool!!!!! Then everyone can watch you on TV while you sleep and watch when your hands disappear under the blankets at night!!!!!

Leopard · 01-13-2011, 03:25 PM

❝ how do i meet hitlur ❞

Collect 367,426,568 monkeys and put them in a room until they create a singularity device that will tear a fabric in space and time. Step in and hope it leads to the right point in our history.

Leopard · 01-13-2011, 03:27 PM

❝ Which precausions would you advice if you have to bring dangerous snakes (, since you suggested to bring those in case you run into kangaroos)? ❞

All of them. There are never enough precautions you can take when handling deadly snakes.

Leopard · 01-13-2011, 03:55 PM

❝ Why is the safe area in Australia awkwardly shaped as an "X"? ❞

I've been thinking about this myself. I've concluded that it's because finding a safe place in Australia pretty much equates to finding a long lost pirate treasure chest - x marks the spot.

Also, this is the last question that isn't advice that I'll answer.

01-11-2011, 08:33 AM	#1
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	✖✖ Ask a Leopard for Useful and Practical Advice ✖ Cold hearted, rational advice that you probably don't want to hear, courtesy of a jerk that may also give complete joke responses alongside. Roar. I will not answer "questions" that aren't actually asking for advice. I have an ask me anything thread for that. Trolls will be eaten. Ask for advice! (All Submissions are Anonymous.) Last edited by Leopard; 01-13-2011 at 03:56 PM.

01-11-2011, 08:44 AM	#2
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ I'm really hungry, what do I do? ❞ Hunt small children.

01-11-2011, 08:50 AM	#3
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ I really love Pingu, but he is only interested in incest and donkeys. It's making me so upset. Help please! ❞ PM him with the lyrics to romantic songs translated to French. The whole song. It’s the only way through to his heart.

01-11-2011, 08:51 AM	#4
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ I like meat but I'm a vegetarian, how can I eat meat but not eat meat but secretly eat meat. ❞ Invest in tofu. So much tofu that you can build castles with the stuff. Then paint it meat coloured.

01-11-2011, 10:19 AM	#5
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ Every time I walk, run or jog, my penis goes up inside me. It hurts, and is extremely uncomfortable. I know I should go see a doctor, but I'd much rather get advice from you, as it's quicker and less embarrassing. Please help? ❞ Duct tape. Lots of duct tape. Duct tape holds the universe together, and we can all agree that the universe is more important than one person, so who are you to argue with what fixes the universe? Duct tape that cock in place.

01-11-2011, 10:23 AM	#6
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ Why can't I get a girlfriend? ❞ Usually I've found that you find one when you've stopped looking or trying; running around screaming from every rooftop never works. Well it does sometimes, but only at Christmas and you don't really want to date Santa. The best advice is usually to make friends with people, and make a move before being friend-zoned. And by make a move I mean tell them or kiss them, not look longingly or hang around with sad puppy looks or obviously seeking attention. And not a friggen text or email. Man up and say it properly. Yeah.

01-12-2011, 12:46 AM	#7
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ HOW THE FUCK DO I FIX HOTMAIL?! ❞ Get gmail, it's better in every way.

01-12-2011, 03:19 AM	#8
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ My fingers are sore. What ever shall I do my dearest Leopard? ❞ Cut them off, and donate them to science. Use the money to buy candy which will make you feel better.

01-12-2011, 05:21 AM	#9
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ If I were paddling upstream in a river of chocolate pudding in a kayak and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes can fit inside a doghouse? (Urgent) ❞ I'll get back to you.

01-12-2011, 05:24 AM	#10
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ Why are you so mean? Can we report you to depp for trolling? ❞ It's the result of many years' careful breeding and select feeding on only the tenderest of braised duck. I don't think I'm mean; I'm honest. The truth just hurts because people want it sugar coated so that they can feel better about their self pity. Accept responsibility for your own actions. Sure you can, if I ever troll. But I'm not trolling Am I?

01-12-2011, 05:33 AM	#11
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ I have too many questions, so instead of spamming you, i will ask them all in one post. If there is a leppy that hunts at night, and a leopard that hunts during the day, and then they got into a fight in the afternoon, would they actually fight or just share a meal? Assuming there were humungous 15 inch strap on dildoes involved on both sides, would I be screwed by the leppy leopards? Whenever i watch them fight like that, I get all horny, and i want to cut a hole in their fur and use a straw to blow them up so that they'd be deskinned, and then I would eat their flesh. Is this normal? I think I have a hand fetish. I like staring at them and then imagine myself use a knife to slice their hands open and look at the flesh and muscles torn open. I usually masturbate to that, but Im scared to tell my boyfriend about this fetish because he would be scared away. I had a dream last night, where you ate an apple it was scary. DO YOU EAT APPLES?! by the way, I have a thing for apples. The way their skin breaks when you sink their teeth in... but ANYWAYS I was wondering, if I ate an apple with 7 seeds, and spat 3 out, and swallowed the 4, and puked out 1, and then digested the 3, would I still have eaten an apple? Why do leopards make me horny? (not you, the animals...) I like eating flesh. Oh. There's this other guy that i like, and i have dreams where you would come over and rape me and then pull out my teeth, and make that guy I like swallow my pulled teeth. You wouldn't really do that right? THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS YOU ADVICE IS HIGHLY APPRECIATED! (sorry if i ask too many questions. i simply have too many to ask, which is why i have so many that im asking, thus, i have too many questions. it sucks.) ❞ They'd mate and devolve into Eevee. Less screwed, more impaled. I've always loved the name "The Impaler". It sounds so big and one sided. You don't moan like a maiden 'Oh, please, impale me on you.' You just get impaled and scream as you-- -dragged away by censors- I don't think so because you never mentioned removing the flesh and insides from the fur, only cutting a small hole and blowing with a straw. So I don't think it'd be normal to be able to eat the flesh as a result. I don't think this is really true. But if it is true, it's kind of interesting. However, I don't want to be your boyfriend. I'd be scared away too. I'd keep that particular kink to yourself. THESE AREN'T EVEN ASKING FOR ADVICE; THEY'RE JUST QUESTIONS.

01-12-2011, 09:30 PM	#12
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ i want to be on a reailty show!!!!! ❞ Cool!!!!! Then everyone can watch you on TV while you sleep and watch when your hands disappear under the blankets at night!!!!!

01-13-2011, 03:25 PM	#13
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ how do i meet hitlur ❞ Collect 367,426,568 monkeys and put them in a room until they create a singularity device that will tear a fabric in space and time. Step in and hope it leads to the right point in our history.

01-13-2011, 03:27 PM	#14
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ Which precausions would you advice if you have to bring dangerous snakes (, since you suggested to bring those in case you run into kangaroos)? ❞ All of them. There are never enough precautions you can take when handling deadly snakes.

01-13-2011, 03:55 PM	#15
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ Why is the safe area in Australia awkwardly shaped as an "X"? ❞ I've been thinking about this myself. I've concluded that it's because finding a safe place in Australia pretty much equates to finding a long lost pirate treasure chest - x marks the spot. Also, this is the last question that isn't advice that I'll answer.