Sub that can't say no...

jaxman · 12-30-2007, 05:57 PM

Ok so generally I'm really good about knowing what my limits are and not letting them be crossed. Lately, though when working with a particular dom (via chat) I find myself unable to say no, even so far as being timid about sharing safety information (like if somethings been left on to long). It really is like I have two totally different personalities. Hell I put a cig out on my leg (I still can't believe I did that). Somehow in our play I feel so low that I shouldn't have a voice, that I have no say. I know most the most logical response is to speak the f up but I really can't when I'm submitting with this Dom. I've thought about trying to right down all my limits (and unknowns - a cig, I never thought to say no burning), but so much can happen in a scene, can it really all be covered. I mostly have a great time but I'm sort of concerned about this lack of control

Any advice? Anyone had anyting similar happen where they couldn't say no?

tissue13 · 12-30-2007, 06:19 PM

well, first of all, you NEED to speak up. write down be4 hand what you want to say ( in this case type ) and then practice. then when it comes, tell the dom, hold on, here are my limits, also tell the dom that if he/she has a suggestion for you, voice it. then you can determine whether or not-take your time about your decision about limits and so forth. All in all, keep your common sense!

Sum · 12-30-2007, 06:38 PM

I'm a master.
What you need to think about is if you trust your dom/domme enough to do these things. Do you trust them to stop you before you hurt yourself too badly? Do you trust them to care for you and what they're doing to you? Do you trust them to ease off after you've done something really far past what your normal limits are?

Basically what it sounds like to me is you have a really really good mistress/master and you've got to the point where you can answer yes to all these and more trust questions (eg can you trust them that if you jumped out of a plane they'd have set up your parashute perfectly)

But if you can't answer yes to some of them then you absulutly must overcome your fear of speaking up.

jaxman · 12-30-2007, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tissue13

well, first of all, you NEED to speak up. write down be4 hand what you want to say ( in this case type ) and then practice. then when it comes, tell the dom, hold on, here are my limits, also tell the dom that if he/she has a suggestion for you, voice it. then you can determine whether or not-take your time about your decision about limits and so forth. All in all, keep your common sense!

Thank You for your advice, I'll start working on it.

Thanks,

Mike

jaxman · 12-30-2007, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sum1(2)

I'm a master.
What you need to think about is if you trust your dom/domme enough to do these things. Do you trust them to stop you before you hurt yourself too badly? Do you trust them to care for you and what they're doing to you? Do you trust them to ease off after you've done something really far past what your normal limits are?

Basically what it sounds like to me is you have a really really good mistress/master and you've got to the point where you can answer yes to all these and more trust questions (eg can you trust them that if you jumped out of a plane they'd have set up your parashute perfectly)

But if you can't answer yes to some of them then you absulutly must overcome your fear of speaking up.

I think I have a lot of no's to those questions - that's really why I'm disturbed - I've never been this out of my own control so to speak. I truly get afraid sometimes but I'm not a afraid to speak up, it's more I feel like I don't have the right to. It feels wrong to talk back. You're right I do need to be able to speak up or I'll need to stop working with this dom.

(complete tangent here has anyone ever lost feeling in there legs after something particularly painful, I think I blacked out for a moment and then my legs were kind of numb and went to pins and needls for a bit after)

Sum · 12-30-2007, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaxman

I think I have a lot of no's to those questions - that's really why I'm disturbed - I've never been this out of my own control so to speak. I truly get afraid sometimes but I'm not a afraid to speak up, it's more I feel like I don't have the right to. It feels wrong to talk back. You're right I do need to be able to speak up or I'll need to stop working with this dom.

(complete tangent here has anyone ever lost feeling in there legs after something particularly painful, I think I blacked out for a moment and then my legs were kind of numb and went to pins and needls for a bit after)

I think from the fact that you made this thread you allready know what you need to do. Just speak up and if your master has a problem with it just say, sorry i don't think i can serve you anymore.

On the tangent not had that feeling after pain, but had kinda had it after standing up to fast when i've been ill, doesn't sounds healthy (though if it's the same as what i get pretty fun and slightly trippy)

jaxman · 12-30-2007, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sum1(2)

I think from the fact that you made this thread you allready know what you need to do. Just speak up and if your master has a problem with it just say, sorry i don't think i can serve you anymore.

On the tangent not had that feeling after pain, but had kinda had it after standing up to fast when i've been ill, doesn't sounds healthy (though if it's the same as what i get pretty fun and slightly trippy)

I guess knowing it and doing it are two different things. I will send an e-mail to my Dom to discuss some safe words (using the green, yellow and red - just re-read the "No Limits?" thread) and if that doesn't work I'll plan to stop with Him... I guess in part I'm more disturbed or confused by the fact that I followed through with everything He told me to do. I have never been in that state of mind before.

Also after re-reading the "No Limits?" thread I realize I have a responsibility to speak up as part of the trust between a Dom and a sub, put that way I have no option but to speak up, I think.

SubMissChievous · 12-30-2007, 10:55 PM

Not being able to say "no" can occur for different types of reasons... Sometimes it's the Master/dom forcing themselves onto slaves/subs, sometimes it can be the slave saying/thinking "I might try but I'm not sure...". I think you must spot what makes you feel uneasy, first.

You know, I've started a thread about this (which I've PMed you the link) & all members who replied to it had nice viewpoints about this subject. It's a subject that's important to me as I don't consider that a slave should systematically do anything as they're told. There are different degrees in each M/s reletionships that can differ depending on expectations from each. Communication is very important, no matter the degree you take the relationship to (casual from strict... )

Anyway... There were other points I wanted to add but I think they are all covered in the No limits thread...

http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=5347

Good luck to you!

lydiab6 · 12-31-2007, 08:18 AM

Additionally, you should feel safe to speak no matter how much you trust the other person. With your wording you say that your current relationship is that of a Dom and a sub not that of a Master and slave therefore you are given the right to stop a scene if you do not feel comfortable. Even if you feel comfortable and love something, you should be able to express that as well. You say that you have lost your voice, if that means being able to express the positive as well as the negative then you should reconsider your choice of partner. Giving control to someone else is one of the scariest things to do, but at the same time should be really rewarding. In my experience I have found that it is a chance to truly let go because I am no longer in control, but I always keep my voice so that if I let go to far I have some part of myself pulling me back. Good Luck! I hope you find a way of working this out.

jaxman · 12-31-2007, 07:57 PM

i wanted to thank everyone that responded, it really helped me get a grip so to speak. In addition the no limts thread was a tremendous help for me in figuring out what i needed to say. i had read it before but it took on a whole new meaning for me in relation to this issue.

This was the first time i'd had a situation that was so intense and i needed to hear from others to make sure i wasn't over reacting. 'Cause in RL there isn't anyone i can talk to about this kind of thing.

Thanks so much!!! - handing out lots of grey rep lol.

mike

12-30-2007, 05:57 PM	#1
jaxman Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA, Florida Posts: 69	Sub that can't say no... Ok so generally I'm really good about knowing what my limits are and not letting them be crossed. Lately, though when working with a particular dom (via chat) I find myself unable to say no, even so far as being timid about sharing safety information (like if somethings been left on to long). It really is like I have two totally different personalities. Hell I put a cig out on my leg (I still can't believe I did that). Somehow in our play I feel so low that I shouldn't have a voice, that I have no say. I know most the most logical response is to speak the f up but I really can't when I'm submitting with this Dom. I've thought about trying to right down all my limits (and unknowns - a cig, I never thought to say no burning), but so much can happen in a scene, can it really all be covered. I mostly have a great time but I'm sort of concerned about this lack of control Any advice? Anyone had anyting similar happen where they couldn't say no? Last edited by jaxman; 12-30-2007 at 10:22 PM.

12-30-2007, 06:38 PM	#3
Sum getDare Devil Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 1,049 Blog Entries: 9	I'm a master. What you need to think about is if you trust your dom/domme enough to do these things. Do you trust them to stop you before you hurt yourself too badly? Do you trust them to care for you and what they're doing to you? Do you trust them to ease off after you've done something really far past what your normal limits are? Basically what it sounds like to me is you have a really really good mistress/master and you've got to the point where you can answer yes to all these and more trust questions (eg can you trust them that if you jumped out of a plane they'd have set up your parashute perfectly) But if you can't answer yes to some of them then you absulutly must overcome your fear of speaking up. __________________ Through the darkness of futures past The magician longs to see One chants out between two worlds Fire walk with me I'm off to kinktalk. Bye all.

12-30-2007, 10:55 PM	#8
SubMissChievous Prodigy Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 4,466	Not being able to say "no" can occur for different types of reasons... Sometimes it's the Master/dom forcing themselves onto slaves/subs, sometimes it can be the slave saying/thinking "I might try but I'm not sure...". I think you must spot what makes you feel uneasy, first. You know, I've started a thread about this (which I've PMed you the link) & all members who replied to it had nice viewpoints about this subject. It's a subject that's important to me as I don't consider that a slave should systematically do anything as they're told. There are different degrees in each M/s reletionships that can differ depending on expectations from each. Communication is very important, no matter the degree you take the relationship to (casual from strict... ) Anyway... There were other points I wanted to add but I think they are all covered in the No limits thread... http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=5347 Good luck to you! Last edited by SubMissChievous; 12-31-2007 at 12:37 AM. Reason: Don't want to be in N.S.'s Dicksunery, lol

12-31-2007, 08:18 AM	#9
lydiab6 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: New York Posts: 110 Blog Entries: 8	Additionally, you should feel safe to speak no matter how much you trust the other person. With your wording you say that your current relationship is that of a Dom and a sub not that of a Master and slave therefore you are given the right to stop a scene if you do not feel comfortable. Even if you feel comfortable and love something, you should be able to express that as well. You say that you have lost your voice, if that means being able to express the positive as well as the negative then you should reconsider your choice of partner. Giving control to someone else is one of the scariest things to do, but at the same time should be really rewarding. In my experience I have found that it is a chance to truly let go because I am no longer in control, but I always keep my voice so that if I let go to far I have some part of myself pulling me back. Good Luck! I hope you find a way of working this out. __________________ 26/F/NY

12-31-2007, 07:57 PM	#10
jaxman Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA, Florida Posts: 69	Thanks to all!! i wanted to thank everyone that responded, it really helped me get a grip so to speak. In addition the no limts thread was a tremendous help for me in figuring out what i needed to say. i had read it before but it took on a whole new meaning for me in relation to this issue. This was the first time i'd had a situation that was so intense and i needed to hear from others to make sure i wasn't over reacting. 'Cause in RL there isn't anyone i can talk to about this kind of thing. Thanks so much!!! - handing out lots of grey rep lol. mike

12-30-2007, 06:19 PM	#2
tissue13 Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: cali Posts: 233	well, first of all, you NEED to speak up. write down be4 hand what you want to say ( in this case type ) and then practice. then when it comes, tell the dom, hold on, here are my limits, also tell the dom that if he/she has a suggestion for you, voice it. then you can determine whether or not-take your time about your decision about limits and so forth. All in all, keep your common sense!