Doing a bit better ...

Last week was really rough. I kept away most of the week because I just needed time to myself to deal with everything happening around me. It was overwhelming. I dealt with a lot of family drama. It seemed that my phone was crisis central and that nobody could do anything without my help even though I am a 40 hour drive from everybody and could literally do nothing to help.

I like to help and be there for my family. But it is heartbreaking when people you love are calling you and are so emotional they can barely speak. When they can, all they keep saying is that they can't do this anymore. Wanting nothing more than to give them a hug and tell them it will be ok. I felt so helpless. I didn't know what I could do or say, and I realized that I really couldn't do or say anything that would make a difference. On top of that, I received other phone calls from people not knowing what to do. They were angry, confused and scared and I was the person they took it out on. I was yelled at and cursed at.

I also had to do something incredibly difficult in order to protect the safety and health of somebody I really love. It is something that can tear my whole family apart, but nobody else was willing to do what was needed, so I had to do it. I am glad I did it. I hope it makes a difference. But it was still incredibly hard.

Thankfully I have some amazing friends, both online and in real life, and of course I have the best husband a girl could ask for. Even when I feel like I am alone, I know I'm not. When I feel like I am the person to pick everybody else up, I have people rushing to my aid to pick me up. They tell me that I am strong. That I am brave. That I am amazing.

I don't see myself as a strong person. I still feel weak and helpless and broken at times.

I had a conversation with a really good friend on Thursday. He has been a big part of my journey these last few years. One of my first friends on getDare, 4 years ago. I had to screenshot a part of our conversation because something he said just kind of hit me ...

I have read this part of our conversation about 10 times since Thursday. I feel like this is very accurate and relevant to me right now. I know I have grown a lot over the past few years, but somehow I still have these times where I regress into this little, broken, scared girl. I feel like even though I may be strong at times, I am mostly just doing a really good job of hiding the fact that I am broken and weak. I wish I could see myself the way this friend can; The way my husband can. But I just don't.

But I do feel like I am doing a little better after the weekend.

Cuddles with my husband.
Reading the comments on my blog from people who love and support me.
Laughing and being with friends.
Chatting with friends.
Encouraging words from family.
Hugs from everybody.

All of these things help. And although I sometimes feel alone, and overwhelmed and helpless, it doesn't take long for me to remember that I am not alone; I am surrounded by people who are about me. It is ok to be overwhelmed at times; it does not make me weak. I am not helpless; I do so many things to help other people and sometimes there just isn't anything more I can, and that is ok.

I am going to try and spend some more time this week just taking care of myself. Focusing on me. And that is not selfish. It is ok. It is allowed and encouraged and needed.