I have a lot of things I should talk about and it is easier for me to do that on a random website to a bunch of strangers. You can comment on my stuff or not, but the majority of my blog posts will be personal things that are difficult for me to talk about out loud.

Mirrors

Posted 08-04-2015 at 12:47 AM by techiegirl

Tags rants, techie

What do you see when you look at me?

You say that I'm gorgeous as hell and fucking beautiful, but what do you see? Are you seeing how tired my eyes are or how terrified I am?

Are you seeing all the previous scars that have been left on my mind? Do you see the physical scars as well?

You haven't seen my entire body because I don't want to shatter this belief you have that I am beautiful. I'm too afraid you'll see me and run. I contradict your statements, but drop the discussion before the tears leave my eyes.

Why do you think I'm beautiful? You've never stared at the whole picture because then you'd realize how shattered I am.

I'm in pieces. I'm scattered on the floor and everyone is stepping on me. I can't look at my reflection without seeing the flaws, psychological and physical. Why can't you see them too?

You say I'm beautiful, but you're wrong. I love you but you're mistaken. You'll change your mind because everyone does. You can't understand why I don't believe you and I apologize because I can't trust you. I can't take the chance of trusting you only to have you change your mind. I can't do that again. I can't handle that another fucking time.

Thoughts I don't dare speak aloud weigh down on my body. They make me slouch and try to appear smaller. I am self conscious of my mind which makes me uncomfortable in my skin. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.

I can't believe that I'm beautiful. I can't look at myself and think that. I can't love this thing inhabiting my flesh. I am no longer me and I can't love the creature I've become. It's too afraid to function and too furious to move. I am a nightmare and you call me a daydream.

Before I can believe you, I need you to acknowledge the disaster you're addressing. Don't gloss over my broken pieces. I'm held together with duct tape and safety pins and I need that to be noticed. Don't look at me and see only beauty. Look at me and see the ugly.

Posted in Personal

Views 1761 Comments 5

« Prev Main Next »

Total Comments 5

Comments

I want to say a lot of things. The main things I want to say is that soooooo many of us walk around with these scars. It is not hopeless to find someone that won't walk away when they see them, and there is something healing and really really beautiful in finding that person who can see all of it and not only sticks around, but respects you more for it, loves you more for it, and doesn't feel like they have to help you fix it. The buggers who walk away when they see the broken parts of our hearts and body are the ones who didnt deserve to see them in the first place, sharing those things is an intimate and trusting act that should be seen as a feat of strength.
Also: huggggssss

Posted 08-04-2015 at 07:23 AM by Happy Me Happy Me is offline

Growing up my younger brother and I used to love cuddly toys. Often my mam would buy us toys from the same place. Even though we would get the same style toy from the same place they were different because of there imperfections and we preferred the ones with differences. Much like these toys we all have imperfections and even though we personally may hate them, there is some idiot out there who will love us all the more for it.

As Happy Me put it

Also: huggggssss

Posted 08-04-2015 at 07:42 AM by Ly Ph Ly Ph is offline

	This is beautiful and hits a chord with me as I'm sure it does a lot of people. It brought tears to my eyes! It's brave to put it out here like this. Thank you for sharing it.
	Posted 08-04-2015 at 08:42 AM by justJane

I need to respond to this far better than I can on a phone in a tent. For now I will say this:

I love you in your brokenness and I love your strength in carrying on regardless. I don't think you're beautiful because I haven't seen some flaw you keep hidden - I think you're beautiful because I've seen some of what you've been rebuilding out of those shattered pieces and it promises to be amazing.

I don't disregard the ugly. But neither do I believe that it in any way detracts from the rest of you.

And I'm very prepared for the abuse I will no doubt get for this

Posted 08-04-2015 at 02:12 PM by Sinister Sinister is offline

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sinister

I need to respond to this far better than I can on a phone in a tent. For now I will say this:

Damn it. The whole reason you're in a tent is so you can't respond. This entire blog is a very hurried mess and it was more of an abstract you than addressing you personally. If anyone gives you heat, ignore them because this blog wasn't a cry for help or something that needed a response.

Thank you for giving me one, even though I'm crying again. I wrote this because I needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

Posted 08-04-2015 at 05:23 PM by techiegirl techiegirl is offline

getDare Forums Message

Cancel Changes