So who holds the power?

If you're familiar with D/S dynamics, then you'll have no doubt heard the argument somewhere that the sub actually holds all the power in a D/S relationship, not the sub. If you're not familiar with this argument, people who champion this school of thought claim that without a sub's consent there can be no relationship in the first place; additionally, that sub can withdraw consent at any time, making all of the dom's pleasure entirely down to the good nature of their sub. This is a slightly simplified version of the argument, but it sums it up pretty well.

I'm here to argue that this is not the case. Not completely removed from the truth, but there's an important distinction to me made. I'm going to argue something that seems so simple to me it boggles my mind that it isn't spoken more:

The power is in the relationship.

It's not held by the dom, it's not held by the sub. The power IS the relationship.

Now, let's examine this further.

Let's say that we have two people in a happy relationship. They have a fixed D/S dynamic (so they don't switch), and are so comfortable with one another that they understand each other's likes, limits, signals, consents, bad habits; and have a long-standing safeword: 'Courgette'. This is the premise of the relationship, noting weird here.

Now, the argument above implies that the person who takes on the 'S' dynamic holds all of the power in the relationship. This means that without them there is no dom, they get to choose the pace and decide what they do (otherwise they won't sub), and they can yell COURGETTE at any time when they don't like what's happening - so the dom has to keep within their likes.

The thing is, none of these points are wrong - only the conclusion is wrong. Yes, there is no dom without the sub, but that's also true visa versa. It's a dynamic - if you're missing one half of it then it's nothing.

Likewise, the sub does indeed get to choose the pace of the play, but so does the dom. This is where a careful balancing act has to take place initially. If you're spanking someone new you have to be careful not to push your victim too hard, else you won't have a partner for long. Likewise, be too soft and no-one has much fun. To this end, yes, the spanker has to play to the limits of the submissive.

However, say the submissive wants to be hit until the bleed, and the dom has a phobia of blood? They're not going to go all the way through with the act in this case, and will very likely shout COURGETTE long before skin is broken. Similarly, and this is an example I am aware of taking place - a submissive may be drunk, and therefore in no fit state to be within the confines of an impact, nay, any, scene. Many doms would do the responsibly thing in this instance and end the scene. No dom, no scene.

As I've just described above, just like the sub can wave a safeword around like a magic wand, a dom can use one in the wrong circumstances too. A submissive trying to dom from the bottom excessively may make a dominant feel uncomfortable, inadequate, or in fear for the wellbeing of the submissive. OK, the safeword may be a less used thing for a dom, but ending the scene is not new. As a dominant you need to be aware of your submissive bodily signals, and understand what different noises and movements mean. If the sub is in trouble end. the. damn scene.

The above isn't to say that the dominant actually holds all power in the relationship. I'm just showing that the examples given for submissive holding the power in relationships have flip sides. In reality, however, all of this is hypothetical, because it's the relationship that truly counts.

In a real relationship you negotiate likes and wants. Either person can be negotiated down or up. In this relationship you grow to understand your partner, and what's acceptable - from both the top and the bottom. If you break the rules, dom or sub, you can expect to get in trouble from the other.

Now, what is a D/S relationship? Simply, it's a power exchange. In the exchange the submissive gives their power over to the dominant. OK, not all of their power and not all the time - but they give up their power of movement, orgasm, pain, exposure... whatever you're in to. Then the dominant has control of this element, within the confined of the negotiation. This is the relationship - within terms accepted by both. Should the submissive ask for more than the dominant is willing to partake in, end of relationship; and visa versa.

The power given is the subs to control, but once given the power is the dominants, until given or taken back. Again, at first glance this seems weighted in favour of the submissive - but until the relationship is created no power exchange can happen. Going further, as the relationship progresses and less obvious exchanges in power take place then what is perceived to be the submissive's 'power' surely diminishes. The longer the exchange is active - i.e. the relationship is ongoing - the less actual pass over of power is required - the dominant and submissive are more relaxed in each other's presence, and more control over the dynamic the dominant can exert.

Yes, the submissive can end the relationship and any scene at any time, but so can the dominant, as described above.

A common misconception is that dominants are sexy-hungry one-brain-celled morons who will mindlessly flock to any submissive ass wiggles in the air. This is far, far not the case. We're picky - we need a submissive who fits our image of what D/s is, and who has the same interests and limits as us. This is why the relationship holds the power - without the happy relationship the exchange is only ever short term - neither the dom or the sub can hold it for more than a fleeting moment, and neither can exert it on the other once that moment has passed.

Nurture the relationship, and the power exchange can flourish. Be that switching, topping from the bottom, or being a full on house slave - the relationship is the power, and everyone in the relationship holds an equal say on how long that relationship lasts.

I'll gladly welcome any comments on this - and I'll happily clarify or have my opinions changed where appropriate. Thanks for reading