A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Insecurities
Posted 07-02-2017 at 07:27 PM by Butterfly
I have always been very insecure. It stems from verbal abuse as a child, and constant rejection growing up. I have been told I am too short, too fat, too opinionated, too much of a tease, too innocent, not sexy enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and the list goes on and on.
Not only have people said those things to me, but they have used those things to leave me, turn me down, do bad things to me or pick somebody better over me. Over and over again. And it has caused some trauma.
It started with my farther: I was never good enough. I would get an A and would be told I should have got an A+. Then it was the kids at school. They would never pick me to be on their team, or partner in class. I wasn't outright bullied, but just subtly rejected. I was always the nice girl, the best friend, not somebody who people wanted to date. When I did start dating online in college, I was rejected 75% of the time after they saw a photo of me. The 25% who stuck around, would only want to chat in order to have an easy lay, or until something better came along. On getDare, a lot of the same problems would happen. Once I shared a photo, I was rejected. Or it was because I was not subby enough, or too bratty ... I have never been good enough.
After meeting Asslvr, things slowly started to change. He built me up. It has been a long, hard road, but now I have an easier time believing him when he calls me pretty. I have been a model for a clothing company blog. I did a photo shoot half naked. I have days where I feel pretty! I can say "I am awesome!" and actually believe it.
I have also learned to not care as much what people think. Some days it is easy. As I am growing more comfortable with who I am, I know that there are people around me who love me for who I am. I wow people with my kindness and playfulness. I make people laugh, and hug those who need help.
However, I still have days where I feel so incompetent, so ugly and undesirable, that nobody would want me.
Since I am no longer dating (yay for marriage!), and I have made a great group of friends, and have been at my workplace for over a year, and nobody has ever said anything bad about me, you wouldn't think this would be too much of a problem.
But it is.
Because when I meet somebody new, a play partner, an online (or in person) friend, I can still get into the cycle of worrying that they will reject me.
I need to be reassured. I hate it! I hate that I am so insecure that I need people to comment on my blogs to validate me. That I need people to comment on my photos to let me know that they are not disgusting. That I need people to reassure me with "good girl" or "I love you" or "I need/want you" in order to believe that they aren't going to leave me, or run away, or hurt/take advantage of me in some way.
And the worst part, my doubts, my fears, my insecurities end up making me feel and act insane, and it pushes people away, thus confirming that people always leave. It is a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to end it.
Even though I have come a long way, I feel like I have a long way to go. I just hope those that matter, will stick around long enough to fight for me, rather than push me away.
And if not, I guess I am not the one who isn't worth it.
Not only have people said those things to me, but they have used those things to leave me, turn me down, do bad things to me or pick somebody better over me. Over and over again. And it has caused some trauma.
It started with my farther: I was never good enough. I would get an A and would be told I should have got an A+. Then it was the kids at school. They would never pick me to be on their team, or partner in class. I wasn't outright bullied, but just subtly rejected. I was always the nice girl, the best friend, not somebody who people wanted to date. When I did start dating online in college, I was rejected 75% of the time after they saw a photo of me. The 25% who stuck around, would only want to chat in order to have an easy lay, or until something better came along. On getDare, a lot of the same problems would happen. Once I shared a photo, I was rejected. Or it was because I was not subby enough, or too bratty ... I have never been good enough.
After meeting Asslvr, things slowly started to change. He built me up. It has been a long, hard road, but now I have an easier time believing him when he calls me pretty. I have been a model for a clothing company blog. I did a photo shoot half naked. I have days where I feel pretty! I can say "I am awesome!" and actually believe it.
I have also learned to not care as much what people think. Some days it is easy. As I am growing more comfortable with who I am, I know that there are people around me who love me for who I am. I wow people with my kindness and playfulness. I make people laugh, and hug those who need help.
However, I still have days where I feel so incompetent, so ugly and undesirable, that nobody would want me.
Since I am no longer dating (yay for marriage!), and I have made a great group of friends, and have been at my workplace for over a year, and nobody has ever said anything bad about me, you wouldn't think this would be too much of a problem.
But it is.
Because when I meet somebody new, a play partner, an online (or in person) friend, I can still get into the cycle of worrying that they will reject me.
I need to be reassured. I hate it! I hate that I am so insecure that I need people to comment on my blogs to validate me. That I need people to comment on my photos to let me know that they are not disgusting. That I need people to reassure me with "good girl" or "I love you" or "I need/want you" in order to believe that they aren't going to leave me, or run away, or hurt/take advantage of me in some way.
And the worst part, my doubts, my fears, my insecurities end up making me feel and act insane, and it pushes people away, thus confirming that people always leave. It is a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to end it.
Even though I have come a long way, I feel like I have a long way to go. I just hope those that matter, will stick around long enough to fight for me, rather than push me away.
And if not, I guess I am not the one who isn't worth it.
Total Comments 9
Comments
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Thank you for putting my brain into words. There are people on here who stop playing with me if I try to have them.dom when they call themselves a switch. There are people who leave after one photo. Thank you for a well written post on the matter.Posted 07-02-2017 at 07:36 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe 
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I think we all go through these hard times and end up beating ourselves up instead of looking at the wonderful things about us. But it's hard, it's not human nature to naturally gravitate towards the positives. I sometimes think optimism is a façade but I digress. And if people are turned away by you going a little insane and voicing these things, well screw them. Your true friends will accept every part of you and will not say things lightly when they truly do think you're wonderful. I'm glad you now have a husband who thinks the world of you and will always be there to build you up, and of course you have friends on here who will do the same.Posted 07-02-2017 at 07:40 PM by Komodo Jones
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I can relate. I have been very insecure as well but it has been getting better. And so will you learn and get better at not worrying too much and just know that you are indeed awesome!Posted 07-02-2017 at 09:26 PM by Jaro
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I am so happy for you my love and you know I couldn't be more proud of how you have changed since we met. I can only hope your self confidence only improves. Big hugs sweetie♡♡Posted 07-05-2017 at 05:00 PM by Mr. Devious
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That is awful! I am sorry you know what that feels like. I understand that physical attraction does play a role in some relationships but especially in an online relationship, shouldn't things like personality and values mean more?Quote:Originally Posted by Wedgiebondagebabe
Thank you for putting my brain into words. There are people on here who stop playing with me if I try to have them.dom when they call themselves a switch. There are people who leave after one photo. Thank you for a well written post on the matter.
I have had people who I only wanted to talk to as friends do the same thing. It shouldn't matter what I look like if you want to be my friend. Especially if you have spent days talking to me and have had a chance to get to know me.Posted 07-05-2017 at 05:40 PM by Butterfly
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I'm so lucky to have a much more supportive group of people that are around me. I really don't have room in my life for those that don't think I am amazing! I have to keep reminding myself of that.Quote:Originally Posted by Komodo Jones
I think we all go through these hard times and end up beating ourselves up instead of looking at the wonderful things about us. But it's hard, it's not human nature to naturally gravitate towards the positives. I sometimes think optimism is a façade but I digress. And if people are turned away by you going a little insane and voicing these things, well screw them. Your true friends will accept every part of you and will not say things lightly when they truly do think you're wonderful. I'm glad you now have a husband who thinks the world of you and will always be there to build you up, and of course you have friends on here who will do the same.
Posted 07-05-2017 at 05:41 PM by Butterfly
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I am glad to hear that it is getting better!Quote:Originally Posted by Jaroface
I can relate. I have been very insecure as well but it has been getting better. And so will you learn and get better at not worrying too much and just know that you are indeed awesome!
Posted 07-05-2017 at 05:41 PM by Butterfly
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Thank you my prince. It improves a little more each day and it has a lot to do with you, so thank you my love ♡♡♡Quote:Originally Posted by asslvr
I am so happy for you my love and you know I couldn't be more proud of how you have changed since we met. I can only hope your self confidence only improves. Big hugs sweetie♡♡
Posted 07-05-2017 at 05:42 PM by Butterfly
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Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I was looking through your blog trying to find a detail for the story I am writing you and I came across this post again. Thank you for being one of the constants in my life when everything else goes crazy. I idolize you and look up to you in soo many ways. I look up to you the way most girls look up to an older (but not too old) sister. And I just wanted to again express how much I appreciate you because I do not ever think I could say it enough.Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
That is awful! I am sorry you know what that feels like. I understand that physical attraction does play a role in some relationships but especially in an online relationship, shouldn't things like personality and values mean more?
I have had people who I only wanted to talk to as friends do the same thing. It shouldn't matter what I look like if you want to be my friend. Especially if you have spent days talking to me and have had a chance to get to know me.Posted 01-09-2018 at 05:57 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe
