Humiliation to Degradation.
*AM and I wrote this together. I am pink, he is black.
There was a time when I enjoyed humiliation very much but degradation was a hard limit. I couldn't see myself ever participating in it and anyone who tried to get me to explore it never got very far. Due to childhood traumas and the triggers I assumed it would cause, it was always a very big no. Until recently.
The thing about degradation is that it plays on a different type of shame. Humiliation is playing on what you do, being forced to do something slutty, or embarrassing is humiliating. Degradation is shaming what you are - be it about size, sexuality, desires - calling someone fat/ugly/worthless/small-dicked to list but a few examples can play hard on the psyche. It can trigger memories of abuse or trauma, or engender a deep insecurity if handled incorrectly.
One example of this is the term "worthless." I didn't think I would ever be able to use that in play. The amount of times I was told I was worthless when younger eventually had me believing it and it took a very long time to come to terms with the fact that actually, I was so very far from worthless. The first time I thought about using that term in play I was so unsure if I would be able to handle it. Would it dredge up memories better left forgotten? Would it instantly turn me off? Would it cause me to drop so far into subdrop or even worse depression that it would take me days, weeks even months to pull out of? I had all these fears when I first started thinking about this term and similar terms. But at the same time...I sort of wanted to explore it. One of my kinks is being nothing more than a sex toy who gets no say in what is done to me...and "worthless" seemed to correlate to that particular fantasy. But what if it went horribly wrong?
They key to employing this sort of play without it going wrong is security. The degrade has to be entirely certain that what is said is said for the purposes of fantasy, arousal, enjoyment. Step one is ensuring there is a loving, trusting relationship, taking the time to build a stable and secure environment to explore from. Step two is reassurance. When not engaged in degradation play - especially right after - it is essential to show love and kindness, to let you degrade know how well they did and how proud you are of her.
You have to be absolutely sure that you trust your partner 100% before even considering pushing your limits even the smallest amount. Doing something so difficult and with terrible possible ramifications with the wrong person is not going to end well. You can't trust them mostly, or a lot or even 99%. It has to be unconditional trust and even then you have to discuss it between both of you before attempting to bring these things into your play. Communication is always the key in a D/s relationship and while that communication is always very important, it becomes even more important in these instances.
That communication goes both ways. When playing so close to limits, it is not a time to experiment and go off script during a scene. Matters should be discussed beforehand and whatever is set initially has to be adhered to. Afterwards, when you talk through what happened, adjustments can be made for intensifying and developing the next session. The Dom has to tell his sub what he is about to do, the sub has to share her feelings on that beforehand, and between them they find a way forward - IF it is something both parties want to pursue. Communication before, during and after a scene is what makes intense play possible.
What a lot of people seem to forget is to ask the dom/me their thoughts too. Yes, the sub may want to explore and push a limit but how does the dom/me feel about it? Are they also comfortable with it? Are they willing to try it and be prepared for if things don't turn out as hoped? Are they willing to bring the sub back down? Are they willing to communicate and have a back up plan in case things get out of hand? (If the answer is no to any but the first two of those questions, you shouldn't be a dom/me.) A lot of focus often goes on the submissive, but a dom/me needs to be equally as comfortable in pushing limits and trust that the submissive will communicate with them if they need to, just as the sub should expect the dom/me to communicate if something doesn't feel right for them too. While it could be difficult for the submissive, any genuine well meaning dom will care for their submissive. So intense play and degradation could possibly affect them too.
To sum up, I think a lot of this applies to the majority of BDSM. It is all down to love, trust, communication. Not necessarily romantic love in every case, but there is a love inherent in D/s. It takes a great deal of love and compassion to call someone a worthless whore.
I am extremely lucky in the fact I trust AM unconditionally. Even when he is calling me a worthless whore, or telling me I'm good for nothing but being covered in cum, I trust him to take care of me. I trust him to constantly monitor not just my body language but also every tiny detail of both body, spoken and unspoken feelings and thoughts. And that is why when we involve degradation into our play, even though it is still extremely new, I know I am safe. Always. I know if I need him to he will end the play at a moments notice and pull me back to him. And I can share and explore and push limits with him because we love and trust each other and communicate our thoughts and feelings.
If you are considering pushing your limits, then make sure it is with the right person. Make sure they will take care of you (and you of them!) Make sure you are both aware it may not turn out how you hope and that is okay.
*Now I will step off my soap box and go be AM's worthless whore.
Total Comments 6
Comments
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But you need that soap box hobbit, or you can't reach.Posted 06-29-2017 at 04:19 PM by AbusiveMaster 
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Nice combined effort this type of play is so much fun to explore once trust is builtPosted 06-29-2017 at 05:40 PM by Heart
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I have always struggled with the distinction between humiliation and degradation and I love AMs explanation.
Degradation is a limit for me because a lot of the same reasons as Icey described and I don't think I'll ever be ready to experiment with it, but I agree with everything you described.
In BDSM the topic of "what is abuse" comes up frequently. Sometimes there is a very thin line. But trust and communication and consent and LOVE are the differences. And you two very clearly have all of those things.Posted 06-29-2017 at 08:12 PM by Butterfly
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Oh,.. this is a nice blog!!!
I can completely relate with all that has been said.
I never made so much distinction between humilation and degradation. I more see it as a gradual scale. It may be however, that what you see as "degradation" I still refer to as "Humiliation".
I did however recognize that "real humiliation" (i expect similar or close to your degradation) is really difficult.
It's difficult for a sub, but I have found it very difficult as dom as well. I wrote a blog some time ago >>here<< in which I explain that I (until recent) could only do that as a punishment.
Only since very recent >>check here<< I can do "degradation" as a session not being a punishment.
It took about a year of trustbuilding until I, we, got there.
More than for any pain-session aftercare is essential. I always make sure that 1 or 2 hours of aftercare time is available before going into a "degradation" session.
It is as you say. My pet surrenders to deep feelings of being degraded. She can only do because she completely trusts me to get her out after. And I myself did need a long time before I knew for sure I could get her out; until I knew how to separate the session and the rl after that sharply.Posted 06-30-2017 at 02:36 AM by sir sam
Updated 06-30-2017 at 02:39 AM by sir sam -
I love these double blogs that you guys do, hearing both sides of the equation. I really learn a lot from you.
I too would be eager to try degradation but these are some very helpful points to keep in mind. Thank you!Posted 07-02-2017 at 02:56 AM by Jaro
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That's just rude.Quote:Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster
But you need that soap box hobbit, or you can't reach.
Sooo much fun! I never would have thought I would enjoy it so much!Quote:Originally Posted by IHeartfun
Nice combined effort this type of play is so much fun to explore once trust is built
And he knows I will stab him and castrate him if I decide he has gone too far.Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
I have always struggled with the distinction between humiliation and degradation and I love AMs explanation.
I always struggled too, especially when AM was telling me I enjoyed degradation and I told him I did not and we wouldn't ever do it. I had my own ideas of what it was so I was sure we hadn't ever played with it until he explained it all to me in a better way.
Degradation is a limit for me because a lot of the same reasons as Icey described and I don't think I'll ever be ready to experiment with it, but I agree with everything you described.
In BDSM the topic of "what is abuse" comes up frequently. Sometimes there is a very thin line. But trust and communication and consent and LOVE are the differences. And you two very clearly have all of those things.
I think aftercare is even more important than it usually is in this type of play. I dout I would be able to let go so fully if I wasn't sure I was going to be pulled back to myself afterwards.Quote:Originally Posted by sir sam
Oh,.. this is a nice blog!!!
I can completely relate with all that has been said.
I never made so much distinction between humilation and degradation. I more see it as a gradual scale. It may be however, that what you see as "degradation" I still refer to as "Humiliation".
I did however recognize that "real humiliation" (i expect similar or close to your degradation) is really difficult.
For me, humiliation is things like "slut" "whore" and the likes, while degradation is "worthless" "useless" and so on.
It's difficult for a sub, but I have found it very difficult as dom as well. I wrote a blog some time ago >>here<< in which I explain that I (until recent) could only do that as a punishment.
Only since very recent >>check here<< I can do "degradation" as a session not being a punishment.
It took about a year of trustbuilding until I, we, got there.
More than for any pain-session aftercare is essential. I always make sure that 1 or 2 hours of aftercare time is available before going into a "degradation" session.
It is as you say. My pet surrenders to deep feelings of being degraded. She can only do because she completely trusts me to get her out after. And I myself did need a long time before I knew for sure I could get her out; until I knew how to separate the session and the rl after that sharply.
Thank you! I keep pestering him to write more with me, but he's lazy and it takes months to get him to agree to one. It's very fun if done carefully and isn't rushed into.Quote:Originally Posted by Jaroface
I love these double blogs that you guys do, hearing both sides of the equation. I really learn a lot from you.
I too would be eager to try degradation but these are some very helpful points to keep in mind. Thank you!
Posted 07-18-2017 at 09:36 AM by IceMaiden
