I have a lot of things I should talk about and it is easier for me to do that on a random website to a bunch of strangers. You can comment on my stuff or not, but the majority of my blog posts will be personal things that are difficult for me to talk about out loud.
His Collar
It's nothing really; a small silver chain around my neck. I wear it constantly because it makes him happy for me to have a reminder.
I also wear it as a reminder to myself. Not of my submission, although it gives me fun memories of that, but of the relationship that we have.
Every time I touch it, I'm reminded that there is someone who cares. Someone who has spent time and a significant amount of energy making me happy. Someone who I trust, to an extent, and who hopefully trusts me as well.
Submission is a tricky thing for me. I love the idea of giving up control, but it terrifies me. Usually, I identify as a bottom. Once a scene is over, so is any kind of submission, but I've realized that's not quite true. At least, with him.
Half the time I feel ridiculous. I'll nearly break the thin necklace as I brush my hair and just have the urge to rip it off. Why am I wearing this damn thing 24/7? Because some stranger on another continent told me to! It feels so stupid and for a moment, I'll have a flash of defiance that makes me want to tear the flimsy jewelry off. But the anger will fade and I'll end up tracing my fingers over the metal and remembering how it felt the first time I believed that he was proud of me.
I used to hate wearing his collar and at times I still do. I only wear jewelry for a few hours at a time, never constantly. I hated how such a weak necklace was supposed to symbolize my submission to him, but now I don't think I want to take it off.
It's a source of comfort. When I have a bad day, kinky or otherwise, to remind me of so many good things. When I'm being punished or I feel like I might subdrop, it's a reminder that he is doing this for me. It's a reminder that I am strong enough to get through it and he can see that in me.
I also wear it as a reminder to myself. Not of my submission, although it gives me fun memories of that, but of the relationship that we have.
Every time I touch it, I'm reminded that there is someone who cares. Someone who has spent time and a significant amount of energy making me happy. Someone who I trust, to an extent, and who hopefully trusts me as well.
Submission is a tricky thing for me. I love the idea of giving up control, but it terrifies me. Usually, I identify as a bottom. Once a scene is over, so is any kind of submission, but I've realized that's not quite true. At least, with him.
Half the time I feel ridiculous. I'll nearly break the thin necklace as I brush my hair and just have the urge to rip it off. Why am I wearing this damn thing 24/7? Because some stranger on another continent told me to! It feels so stupid and for a moment, I'll have a flash of defiance that makes me want to tear the flimsy jewelry off. But the anger will fade and I'll end up tracing my fingers over the metal and remembering how it felt the first time I believed that he was proud of me.
I used to hate wearing his collar and at times I still do. I only wear jewelry for a few hours at a time, never constantly. I hated how such a weak necklace was supposed to symbolize my submission to him, but now I don't think I want to take it off.
It's a source of comfort. When I have a bad day, kinky or otherwise, to remind me of so many good things. When I'm being punished or I feel like I might subdrop, it's a reminder that he is doing this for me. It's a reminder that I am strong enough to get through it and he can see that in me.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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I am very happy that you get to have a piece of him close to you at all times, that it makes you feel happy and safe even though you do have conflicting feelings.
I hope the anger eventually goes away and it is replaced by pure confidence in yourself and joy at being with your dom.Posted 07-29-2015 at 10:13 PM by Butterfly 
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I love this! You express so well how you feel, but also how that push and pull most submissives feel.
I'm glad you're fully enjoying your necklace now.
Posted 07-30-2015 at 07:47 AM by justJane
