A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Helped, Healed, Changed
When you are a child, your experiences really do help to shape and mold you into the person you are going to become later in life. I know there is a big debate about nurture v. Nature, but my belief is that, although genetics play a role, you are the person you are today because of the experiences you had growing up, the environment you were raised in. Because of the negative environment I grew up, the physical and verbal abuse, yelling, name calling, etc. I have learned to think negatively. This is especially true when it comes to my thoughts about myself.
I have always had poor self esteem, no self confidence. I feel useless, selfish, ugly, awful, a failure ... those are just some of things I have believed to be true. I never really had a thought of positive reinforcement. Even when I got good grades, or won awards, I never really heard things like “I am proud of you” or “I knew you could do it”. Nobody has ever really believed in me before. I certainly have never believed in myself.
On top of that, I have never been diagnosed, but I suspect I have mild to moderate anxiety. I know everybody experiences anxiety at times, but I frequently experience panic and anxiety attacks. My anxiety will prevent me from doing things or it makes me do things that aren’t always sane (I literally feel insane sometimes). As a result of my anxiety, I frequently feel like running away and hiding, rather than facing problems. I also feel like running when I seem to have something good in my life, I feel like I am not good enough to have it, or that maybe that person deserves better, or I know it is too good to be true, so I make up reasons it is wrong, or hide so I don’t hurt when it goes away.
I also have struggled with self harm. It was a way to control my anxiety and to help me feel relief when I was overwhelmed. It is something I used to do very frequently, and then was able to stop for almost 6 years. Since my relapse, it is much harder to ignore the urge to do it.
Over the last two years all of this started to change. I met my prince, Asslvr. He knew a lot of these things about me within the first 2 weeks of us talking. He knew about the abuse, and my past. He knew I had low self esteem (since I was very scared to show him a picture), he knew me, the true me; something not a lot of people have ever been able to see before. And he still fell in love with me!
There were many times during our relationship that I got scared and wanted to run away. I tried on a few occasions too, but he held on tighter and tighter each time, not giving up on me, and not letting me give up on myself.
He has changed my life.
There are many silly reasons why I love Asslvr, and I have listed many for people here. But I truly love him because of who he is as a person, and the effects he has had on me.
He is the most supportive person I have ever met. No matter what I am going through, I know I am not going through it alone. He is by my side every step of the way. He is incredibly loyal and will always back me up. Yet, he is always honest with me, if he thinks I am being crazy or over reacting. He is insanely selfless and will put me first many times before himself.
But the part that has changed my life the most dramatically is his loving and positive nature. It was so hard for me to believe at first that he thought I was cute, or sexy or amazing. I had to start by believing that he believed it. But over the past 6 months, he has made me believe in myself. I have to constantly remind myself, and he reminds me lots as well (through gifs and cute pictures, but also just by telling me over and over), but I am starting to believe it. And it feels soooo great! Whenever I forget and get down on myself, he is the first one to scold me and tell me that I am amazing, or his hero or that he is proud of me.
He has helped me, healed me, changed me. And I love him so much for it.
I have always had poor self esteem, no self confidence. I feel useless, selfish, ugly, awful, a failure ... those are just some of things I have believed to be true. I never really had a thought of positive reinforcement. Even when I got good grades, or won awards, I never really heard things like “I am proud of you” or “I knew you could do it”. Nobody has ever really believed in me before. I certainly have never believed in myself.
On top of that, I have never been diagnosed, but I suspect I have mild to moderate anxiety. I know everybody experiences anxiety at times, but I frequently experience panic and anxiety attacks. My anxiety will prevent me from doing things or it makes me do things that aren’t always sane (I literally feel insane sometimes). As a result of my anxiety, I frequently feel like running away and hiding, rather than facing problems. I also feel like running when I seem to have something good in my life, I feel like I am not good enough to have it, or that maybe that person deserves better, or I know it is too good to be true, so I make up reasons it is wrong, or hide so I don’t hurt when it goes away.
I also have struggled with self harm. It was a way to control my anxiety and to help me feel relief when I was overwhelmed. It is something I used to do very frequently, and then was able to stop for almost 6 years. Since my relapse, it is much harder to ignore the urge to do it.
Over the last two years all of this started to change. I met my prince, Asslvr. He knew a lot of these things about me within the first 2 weeks of us talking. He knew about the abuse, and my past. He knew I had low self esteem (since I was very scared to show him a picture), he knew me, the true me; something not a lot of people have ever been able to see before. And he still fell in love with me!
There were many times during our relationship that I got scared and wanted to run away. I tried on a few occasions too, but he held on tighter and tighter each time, not giving up on me, and not letting me give up on myself.
He has changed my life.
There are many silly reasons why I love Asslvr, and I have listed many for people here. But I truly love him because of who he is as a person, and the effects he has had on me.
He is the most supportive person I have ever met. No matter what I am going through, I know I am not going through it alone. He is by my side every step of the way. He is incredibly loyal and will always back me up. Yet, he is always honest with me, if he thinks I am being crazy or over reacting. He is insanely selfless and will put me first many times before himself.
But the part that has changed my life the most dramatically is his loving and positive nature. It was so hard for me to believe at first that he thought I was cute, or sexy or amazing. I had to start by believing that he believed it. But over the past 6 months, he has made me believe in myself. I have to constantly remind myself, and he reminds me lots as well (through gifs and cute pictures, but also just by telling me over and over), but I am starting to believe it. And it feels soooo great! Whenever I forget and get down on myself, he is the first one to scold me and tell me that I am amazing, or his hero or that he is proud of me.
He has helped me, healed me, changed me. And I love him so much for it.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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Awwwww. It is so easy to be supportive when you are as sweet and amazing as you are. I will ALWAYS be here for you and love you with ALL my heart ♡Posted 04-25-2016 at 06:35 PM by Mr. Devious 
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Reading Jenny Lawson's blogs and books really helps me when I'm having issues.
I think you are amazing, by the way!Posted 04-25-2016 at 11:17 PM by kittenlyss
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This is beautiful, I love this!Posted 04-26-2016 at 01:38 AM by IceMaiden
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Amazing to read, love to see the positive influence of true love c:!
The things you wrote describe the girl im in love with almost (if not) perfectly. And reading this, makes me want to help her fight and heal herself from it even more! Sometimes its a bit hard, but its all worth it. Humans are willing to go to hell and back for their loved ones.
The best of luck in the future you two! (I doubt you'll need it though, considering you two seem to love eachother tons)Posted 04-26-2016 at 03:05 AM by Unidentified
Updated 04-26-2016 at 03:09 AM by Unidentified -
Awww thank you my darling. You are amazing!Quote:Originally Posted by asslvr
Awwwww. It is so easy to be supportive when you are as sweet and amazing as you are. I will ALWAYS be here for you and love you with ALL my heart ♡Posted 04-28-2016 at 02:05 PM by Butterfly
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I will have to check it out. Thank you so much Lyss. You are amazing too!Quote:Originally Posted by kittenlyss
Reading Jenny Lawson's blogs and books really helps me when I'm having issues.
I think you are amazing, by the way!Posted 04-28-2016 at 02:05 PM by Butterfly
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Thank you Frosty!Quote:Originally Posted by IceMaiden
This is beautiful, I love this!
Posted 04-28-2016 at 02:05 PM by Butterfly
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Thank you. I am so glad you get to experience a lot of the same things. She is a lucky girl.Quote:Originally Posted by Unidentified
Amazing to read, love to see the positive influence of true love c:!
The things you wrote describe the girl im in love with almost (if not) perfectly. And reading this, makes me want to help her fight and heal herself from it even more! Sometimes its a bit hard, but its all worth it. Humans are willing to go to hell and back for their loved ones.
The best of luck in the future you two! (I doubt you'll need it though, considering you two seem to love eachother tons)Posted 04-28-2016 at 02:06 PM by Butterfly
