Defining yourself

So, I figured this may be worth sharing with people.

As my signature says (at least at the time of writing this), I am a switch. Rather, this is the closest definition that currently exists in wide-spread use. I generally associate more with the sub side (and this may well be clear soon) - to the point that one of 2 likes is "pleasing women" (the other being Femdom...).

As an aside, bizarrely, people seem to see me as a Dom, at all times - I get a lot of whispers calling me Sir... Not really sure why, but there you go.

In fact, I have spent most of my time hoping to come across Dommes (whilst invariably talking to people in chat) to then see if one may be interested. Now many of you are probably thinking "he's said twice he's sub and once that he doesn't get why people think he's a Dom - how is he a switch?". I do sometimes have a Dom-streak in me.
(N.B.: I currently am trialling with a Domme and she has been understanding, but it's been a big push so far and there may be problems due to timezones, but I digress.)

It seems that since I've been forced into the role of Dom to have any chance of exploring things recently, I've less felt the craving or desire to be one. Not to be confused with losing heart in it or satisfying those needs. Rather, none of my sub needs were being met and so that was all I could think/feel.
But I have Dommed before: I won't use names, but I have a sub I've helped to gain discipline and focus (predominantly for her homework to graduate, but she has usd it in hr wider life as well), a slave that has requested me to train her in various debaucheries and my newest sub in a D/s that is intended to be highly beneficial to her (but makes me extremely happy) - more on this one later.

It's recently come to light that I could well be a little as well as the above. It seems I have a penchant for regressing around other littles, sometimes caregivers and usually when I get emotional. As my Q&A thread has touched upon, emotionals are not easy for me - I don't like to discuss why, but I have told some people: in some cases int he hopes of explining why I've accidentally offended them (whether I have or not is a different matter, but my perception is that). Anyhow, I seem to revert to being more akin to a little during emotions (sometimes ust stress) and I wonder if this is because children also don't fully understand emotions... Regardless, I can be exceptionally needy at these points: in particular for being held.

On the flip side, I have been known to look after others. Not as a caregiver or anything, but a little comes to me upset and I try to help instinctively. Maybe not realms aware from an uncle figure or babysitter. Regardless, I'm not trying to fit myself into these pigeonholes or figure that side of things out - I am currently discussing defining oneself int he BDSM community.

I think it's fairly obvious from this that I don't settle into just any one location. I obviously tend towards some more than others, but I don't fit any which one and I recently realised that switch is incorrect for me as well.

Of all the myriad terms for various D/s roles, I genuinely believe that I am none of them, although able to fill any of them (for the most part) and am far from vanilla. Like my practical life - I am able to turn my hand to anything (given a little practice), but I do not excel above people at any (or boiled into annoying idioms - jack of all trades and master of none: but it doesn't quite fit as I can pick the skills up, I don't already have them. Again, I digress!)

Approximately a week ago (maybe less), I realised and quite firmly believe that I am an utterly individual and unique class to myself (and many will disagree or say "that's just this but in a weird way etc", but it really isn't, otherwise I'd say it is. I know how I feel in myself.) and have been led to create a new title in the D/s realm for myself: a pleaser. Now, kittenlyss and I wanted to make a nicer/cooler/more interesting/less obvious namee for this. But in essence, I am a pleaser.

A pleaser isn't a sub. They will try to make subs happy. But they're not a switch - they do not Dom/me from a stance of that positioning being fun in itself. A pleaser cannot function without making others happy. It is their entire purpose. Many of you will notice that over the last two months I have been making myself ill with dehydration nd it's because I'm too busy trying to please others, I have no care of any kind for myself (being forcefully given a plate of food by my housemate a few times recently because I hadn't eaten in days).
So a pleaser will do what it takes to make another happy: a switch - it depends on their mood, a sub - Dom/me them (but won't be too disciplinarian unless that's their kink - it's about making the sub feel good about themselves and sticking to their likes etc), a Dom/me - sub to them (do things they do not like. I was literally in tears at the end of a session because I had no enjoyment fromt he task, but couldn't face letting them down) [as an aside, Dom/mes are sometimes the most stressful because of failure. It causes the d-word, which will be the last thing I discuss on here.], a little - either play with them as another little and bounce off (if they have the grumps or are poorly, then either a slightly less little role of still playful, but trying to show them it's okay comes up. Or just be a Big of some description. Whatever they NEED and WANT...), a Big/Caregiver etc - reverting to a little (they have a desire to care for someone, so you let them mother you. Or they're stressing for their little, in which case you act as babysitter or similar) and so on...
But the HUGE difference between a pleaser and the ultimate in switch is that a switch will chang on their mood more than anything and will sometimes feel one particular way. A pleaser will just want to help and make people happy and, well, please - they don't think of themselves at all, it is entirely "hey they need this right now, I can do that" and then you do it. You have no choice in the matter - and if nobody is around, major badness happens: without anyone to please, they have no purpose and that black dog that so many creatives suffer from is likely to descend. You feel you have no purpose and "realise" you're of no use to anyone and why would someone want your help/servitude/authority when they can have someone is actually like that: why have a jack-of-all-trades when you can have the -master-of-one?
And in my case, that need to please stretches even further. In chat, if someone complains or has a problem, I immediately reply, whether directly or by whisper. It's a nightmare when an attention-seeker or troll is about because you can't risk them being upset and causing the d-word. And you get sucked into their destruction, whether to avoid that or to prevent others from dealing with them and having problems etc.

But the biggest, most devastating thing for a pleaser is the same as a good sub, only far more extreme, oh so much more. It is the d-word. And the d-word is so terrifying to me that it's mere mention can through me into a deep fear and depression. Right now, my breathing has speed up ad shallowed out and my chest slightly constricted, my heart rate and temperature are up. It may seem pathetic to you, but it will hopefully explain how this word, and what it means and how it makes us (if it's us and not just me) feel, can do. I had it happen to me, in the incident I mentioned earlier and, not just cried but, fully sobbed into full hysteria at what I'd done - having not shed an actual tear in well over a year, no matter how much I'd wanted to.
Disappointment. It is the utter antithesis of a pleaser. It is as Satan to God, War to Peace, Hitler to Ghandi. And even with the Domme in question and arguably my best friend from the site telling me I'd done well and I'd spoken up and I'd tried my hardest and I was otherwise fantastic and how I hadn't d-ed the Domme... It was well over a day before I could even say I felt like utter scum and worse than anything before. I'm still trying to get over it now. Truly am.

(P.S. It may be worth noting here that it caused me as much emotion in the 10 minutes of heavy sobbing as I would ordinarily experience across about 6.5mths. I was in desperate need of cuddles - but failing the reassuring hold of someone in person to dissipate the feelings of inadequacy and the soothing, gentle words saying I can please once more, I had to turn to "digicuddles". I heavily went into what I believe may be my little mindset. It affected life outside of gD and members in chat noticed I was stuck talking "cutesie" or in "baby talk" and such... So spoke to the resident little and being around other littles helped and I began helping people again. And my most recent sub came about becaue I wanted to help and since then, I have begun to feel really quite happy. I'm pleasing her, making her happy and helping her - and in doing so, I am happy too.)

I hope some of that made sense and nobody is upset with me for mentioning them. I welcome discussion, but this has been tiring to write. Particuarly the paragraphs prior to the post-script.