A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
The Grief Monster
Posted 03-16-2018 at 11:40 AM by Butterfly
WARNING: This blog is about REAL life ... it has NOTHING to do with kink. It has EVERYTHING to do with heavy, depressing, sad feelings. Please do not read if you are expecting something fun. There is a genuine possibility of you feeling sad while reading. That is not my intention, I just needed somewhere to share my feelings.
For those of you who don't know, I recently lost my aunt. She had been sick for a few years. It started with her kidneys a few years ago, and because she didn't follow doctors instructions and take care of herself, her body began to retaliate. She would have turned 45 this year. Very young, but she had been experiencing heart attacks and strokes for over a year now.
In the end, her heart stopped. They were able to revive her and she showed signs of brain function, but after putting her in a coma to help her recover, she was never able to wake up. My family had to make the tough decision of letting her go, ending her pain, letting her be at peace.
This is probably the hardest thing I have ever been a part of.
Of course I have experienced loss before. I have lost grandparents, a school principal/mentor, an two uncles.
But this was different.
This was traumatic.
It was incredibly difficult for me to be so far from my family when I got the initial call. Nobody knew anything and I had to sit at work, and wait while my mom raced to the hospital to find out what was going on. So many things flooded my mind as I sat there, helpless and in shock.
It took me a few days to decide to go to them. it was hard, because the flight was SO expensive to go last minute. And there were just so many unknowns. My aunt was in critical condition but we didn't know if she would be able to recover.
The whole ordeal was an emotional roller coaster. We would get a sign of hope, and then the severity would sink its fangs back in and we would lose all hope again.
In the end, I was with my family when we made the decision to let her go. The doctor said it in a way that allowed us the illusion that we were letting her make this decision, rather than us. I respect that, but I still feel as though WE decided her fate.
I guess there is solace in knowing that she is no longer in pain. But death is easy for the dead and painful for the living.
I was able to stay in Ontario for a few days after her death. I was able to be there with my 14 year old cousin as she said goodbye to her mom: crawling into the bed, holding her dead body, whispering and stroking her hair. And then she clung to me as she asked "Does this mean she won't be able to wake up again".
My heart still aches.
I don't think I have properly grieved. I just want to be there for my family. I want to help them heal. I may have lost an aunt, but my mom lost her sister, my grandma lost her daughter, my cousin lost her mom, and my uncle lost the love of his life. Yes, I hurt, but I can't imagine the pain that THEY must be feeling.
I know there are different stages to grief, and each person grieves in a different way ... but there is a difference in knowing this, and accepting this when it is happening to you.
I am angry! I am angry at my aunt for not taking care of herself. All of this could have been prevented if she had just made some different choices. I am angry that she had pushed us away, playing the victim ... "Nobody loves me, everybody abandoned me".
I feel guilty for allowed her to push us away. Guilty for not staying in touch as much as I could for the last few years, after I moved away.
I feel soooooo sad. Sad doesn't even begin to describe the way my heart weeps. This woman may not have been perfect but she was MY aunt. She helped raise me. She lived with me for the first 10 years of my life. And now she is just gone.
She was only 44!
My husband is 41 ... and all I can do is cling to him. Cling to my brothers ... to my mom ... because I can't imagine losing one of them.
I don't think I have allowed myself to grieve yet. I still feel as though I am holding so much emotion in. I feel kind of numb at times. As though I am a zombie, just going through the motions of life. At times I feel overcome by emotion, like when I started to cry on my way home from the movies the other night. Other times I just want to hide. I just don't feel very peopley right now. I know that isn't a word, but it is how I feel. I feel easily overwhelmed, irritable, numb, but also in great pain.
This is the hardest thing I have ever been a part of.
I don't want it to change me, but I don't feel like me. I have moments where I feel like myself again, but then it is gone. The joy and excitement that I would normally feel is muted somehow. It is there, but it is a just a faint whisper of what it was before.
Today marks 2 weeks without her. The celebration of life is this weekend, and I don't get to be there. I am ok with this. Of course I want to be there. I want to be with my family. I want to celebrate her life, tell stories, make my uncle laugh as he remembers all of the wonderful things that have happened in her life, to cloud some of the painful memories of the past few years. But it is ok. I was there when my family needed me most, I have done what I can to support them from 3000 miles away, and I have had my closure: I have said my goodbyes.
But now, I need to find a way to move on. I need the nightmares and visions of her lifeless body, her open, blank, empty eyes, to stop. I want to feel joy and happiness again, fully! I want to feel like myself again.
I know it takes time. And so I need to take some time.
I am around, but sometimes I don't feel like I am fully here. I chat with people in chat, but I have a hard time finding the words when I have a private conversation with somebody ...
I really don't know what the point of this blog is ... I guess just to get some of my feelings out. But also because I have been feeling guilty for pushing people away lately. Some really close friends of mine have been trying to make me feel better, and I just can't indulge them right now. I pretend to be me, I try to talk and joke and laugh, but it just feels fake. I haven't pushed Mr. Devious away, but I also haven't told him everything that happened in that hospital. The horrors I experienced. The pain I went through. I want to share that, but I don't know where to start.
I think this weekend I am going to start. This blog is just the precursor to that ...
Anyways ... thank you for reading my ramblings.
Thank you to everybody who has shared kind words and hugs over the past two weeks. It has been soooooo crushingly hard, and even though it doesn't seem like I have been grateful or that it has helped, it really has made ALL the difference to me.
Thank you.
For those of you who don't know, I recently lost my aunt. She had been sick for a few years. It started with her kidneys a few years ago, and because she didn't follow doctors instructions and take care of herself, her body began to retaliate. She would have turned 45 this year. Very young, but she had been experiencing heart attacks and strokes for over a year now.
In the end, her heart stopped. They were able to revive her and she showed signs of brain function, but after putting her in a coma to help her recover, she was never able to wake up. My family had to make the tough decision of letting her go, ending her pain, letting her be at peace.
This is probably the hardest thing I have ever been a part of.
Of course I have experienced loss before. I have lost grandparents, a school principal/mentor, an two uncles.
But this was different.
This was traumatic.
It was incredibly difficult for me to be so far from my family when I got the initial call. Nobody knew anything and I had to sit at work, and wait while my mom raced to the hospital to find out what was going on. So many things flooded my mind as I sat there, helpless and in shock.
It took me a few days to decide to go to them. it was hard, because the flight was SO expensive to go last minute. And there were just so many unknowns. My aunt was in critical condition but we didn't know if she would be able to recover.
The whole ordeal was an emotional roller coaster. We would get a sign of hope, and then the severity would sink its fangs back in and we would lose all hope again.
In the end, I was with my family when we made the decision to let her go. The doctor said it in a way that allowed us the illusion that we were letting her make this decision, rather than us. I respect that, but I still feel as though WE decided her fate.
I guess there is solace in knowing that she is no longer in pain. But death is easy for the dead and painful for the living.
I was able to stay in Ontario for a few days after her death. I was able to be there with my 14 year old cousin as she said goodbye to her mom: crawling into the bed, holding her dead body, whispering and stroking her hair. And then she clung to me as she asked "Does this mean she won't be able to wake up again".
My heart still aches.
I don't think I have properly grieved. I just want to be there for my family. I want to help them heal. I may have lost an aunt, but my mom lost her sister, my grandma lost her daughter, my cousin lost her mom, and my uncle lost the love of his life. Yes, I hurt, but I can't imagine the pain that THEY must be feeling.
I know there are different stages to grief, and each person grieves in a different way ... but there is a difference in knowing this, and accepting this when it is happening to you.
I am angry! I am angry at my aunt for not taking care of herself. All of this could have been prevented if she had just made some different choices. I am angry that she had pushed us away, playing the victim ... "Nobody loves me, everybody abandoned me".
I feel guilty for allowed her to push us away. Guilty for not staying in touch as much as I could for the last few years, after I moved away.
I feel soooooo sad. Sad doesn't even begin to describe the way my heart weeps. This woman may not have been perfect but she was MY aunt. She helped raise me. She lived with me for the first 10 years of my life. And now she is just gone.
She was only 44!
My husband is 41 ... and all I can do is cling to him. Cling to my brothers ... to my mom ... because I can't imagine losing one of them.
I don't think I have allowed myself to grieve yet. I still feel as though I am holding so much emotion in. I feel kind of numb at times. As though I am a zombie, just going through the motions of life. At times I feel overcome by emotion, like when I started to cry on my way home from the movies the other night. Other times I just want to hide. I just don't feel very peopley right now. I know that isn't a word, but it is how I feel. I feel easily overwhelmed, irritable, numb, but also in great pain.
This is the hardest thing I have ever been a part of.
I don't want it to change me, but I don't feel like me. I have moments where I feel like myself again, but then it is gone. The joy and excitement that I would normally feel is muted somehow. It is there, but it is a just a faint whisper of what it was before.
Today marks 2 weeks without her. The celebration of life is this weekend, and I don't get to be there. I am ok with this. Of course I want to be there. I want to be with my family. I want to celebrate her life, tell stories, make my uncle laugh as he remembers all of the wonderful things that have happened in her life, to cloud some of the painful memories of the past few years. But it is ok. I was there when my family needed me most, I have done what I can to support them from 3000 miles away, and I have had my closure: I have said my goodbyes.
But now, I need to find a way to move on. I need the nightmares and visions of her lifeless body, her open, blank, empty eyes, to stop. I want to feel joy and happiness again, fully! I want to feel like myself again.
I know it takes time. And so I need to take some time.
I am around, but sometimes I don't feel like I am fully here. I chat with people in chat, but I have a hard time finding the words when I have a private conversation with somebody ...
I really don't know what the point of this blog is ... I guess just to get some of my feelings out. But also because I have been feeling guilty for pushing people away lately. Some really close friends of mine have been trying to make me feel better, and I just can't indulge them right now. I pretend to be me, I try to talk and joke and laugh, but it just feels fake. I haven't pushed Mr. Devious away, but I also haven't told him everything that happened in that hospital. The horrors I experienced. The pain I went through. I want to share that, but I don't know where to start.
I think this weekend I am going to start. This blog is just the precursor to that ...
Anyways ... thank you for reading my ramblings.
Thank you to everybody who has shared kind words and hugs over the past two weeks. It has been soooooo crushingly hard, and even though it doesn't seem like I have been grateful or that it has helped, it really has made ALL the difference to me.
Thank you.
Total Comments 7
Comments
-
This is very well-written. Anyone who has lost someone close to them can relate to the rollercoaster ride of emotions you are experiencing.Posted 03-16-2018 at 11:48 AM by SecondChance 
-
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I surely can't imagine how you are feeling. But this blog really made me shed some tears. I hope you can share your story with Mr. Devious the way you want it.Posted 03-16-2018 at 01:58 PM by Pariahterror
-
*hugs*
I haven't known you very long, but I know that you're a genuinely good person. It hurts me to see you have to deal with such a wrenching loss.Posted 03-16-2018 at 02:05 PM by perkygirlie
-
*offers my stuffie for you to hug*
So sorry for your pain, Butterfly. I know there is naught that can be said by me to help. My deepest sympathies. :-(Posted 03-16-2018 at 03:49 PM by Blue Fox
-
Butterfly,
My sympathies.Posted 03-16-2018 at 04:50 PM by BreakMyBalls
-
I'm sorry you've got to go through this, Butterfly. You'll feel like yourself again soon, but you'll be a stronger version of yourself since you have to fight hard to get back there.
Don't feel guilty either, sometimes you need to feel a little selfish (it feels that way but it's really NOT being selfish) to be able to recharge. Whether that's sticking around but not being 100% involved in getDare so you can use it as a distraction, or stepping back and disappearing for a bit - know that both options are okay. I've done the latter recently and didn't realize how much I needed it until I realized I'd not logged in for over a month without once thinking about the site. You have much more time doing little things that are great for your mental health like crafting, baking, and all the other things that fall by the wayside when the internet sucks you into its endless scrolling. Whatever you decide you need to do to heal, know that you'll still have people supporting you around gD!Posted 03-17-2018 at 08:00 AM by lola.fox
-
Thank you to everybody who took the time to respond to me in some way. It is great to know that I have the support of the getDare community and my friends while trying to muddle through all of the emotions at such a tricky and painful time.
I finally was able to talk with Mr. Devious today about everything that happened while I was away. All of the traumatic and heart breaking moments, and then things that are still haunting me. It was very helpful to share those things with him. It didn't magically fix anything but at least now I know that I am not alone and that he can be a part of what I went through.
It might be a long road to feeling better, but at least I know I have many people who are willing to help, or who are willing to understand when I take the time that I might need.
Thank you again!Posted 03-17-2018 at 07:01 PM by Butterfly
