I have a lot of things I should talk about and it is easier for me to do that on a random website to a bunch of strangers. You can comment on my stuff or not, but the majority of my blog posts will be personal things that are difficult for me to talk about out loud.
Authority Figures
Posted 06-09-2015 at 05:26 PM by techiegirl
One thing I've discovered about myself is that I view any sort of a authority figure as being higher up than I am.
This can include:
I know some of you might say that no one likes upsetting an authority figure, and not to make myself seem like a special snowflake, but it is so much worse than that.
Example: During scenes, I enjoy verbal humiliation, not very uncommon. While I was playing around with someone, they were calling me all kinds of mean names, because I enjoy it, and I was kind of talking back because I'm a brat. It was all very light and teasing because that's how I usually play around.
The person topping me then said something that snapped me out of subspace. They told me, "Shut your fucking mouth, bitch."
Now, they had called me a bitch before, hell, I called myself a bitch all the time. They had also told me to shut my mouth before, but for some reason, when they said that, for just one second, I thought they were actually angry at me. I thought I'd really crossed a line. I knew they were saying it to turn me on, but for just one moment I thought I'd truly upset them. Then I dropped.
I don't know if you can describe it as subdropping since I didn't have an endorphin rush, but that's what I categorize it as. I fell hard and I was only barely able to safeword before I started crying.
Eventually, I was able to calm down and my dom explained that they hadn't been angry, even though I knew they hadn't been. It wasn't for a little while before I was able to realize that I'd dropped because I viewed them as an authority figure and then I thought I'd disappointed them.
As I've played more, I've come to realize that there is absolutely no need to punish me. There is no need to raise your voice with me or tell me the I'm in trouble. Because if I believe for a moment that you're truly angry, I will hurt myself, emotionally, more than you could possibly do physically.
It's something I've really struggled to realize, but it is also something I need to learn so I can express it to my future doms.
This can include:
- Parents
- Teachers
- Boss
- gD Staff
- Coaches
- Doms
- Anyone with more experience than me (especially if they are older)
I know some of you might say that no one likes upsetting an authority figure, and not to make myself seem like a special snowflake, but it is so much worse than that.
Example: During scenes, I enjoy verbal humiliation, not very uncommon. While I was playing around with someone, they were calling me all kinds of mean names, because I enjoy it, and I was kind of talking back because I'm a brat. It was all very light and teasing because that's how I usually play around.
The person topping me then said something that snapped me out of subspace. They told me, "Shut your fucking mouth, bitch."
Now, they had called me a bitch before, hell, I called myself a bitch all the time. They had also told me to shut my mouth before, but for some reason, when they said that, for just one second, I thought they were actually angry at me. I thought I'd really crossed a line. I knew they were saying it to turn me on, but for just one moment I thought I'd truly upset them. Then I dropped.
I don't know if you can describe it as subdropping since I didn't have an endorphin rush, but that's what I categorize it as. I fell hard and I was only barely able to safeword before I started crying.
Eventually, I was able to calm down and my dom explained that they hadn't been angry, even though I knew they hadn't been. It wasn't for a little while before I was able to realize that I'd dropped because I viewed them as an authority figure and then I thought I'd disappointed them.
As I've played more, I've come to realize that there is absolutely no need to punish me. There is no need to raise your voice with me or tell me the I'm in trouble. Because if I believe for a moment that you're truly angry, I will hurt myself, emotionally, more than you could possibly do physically.
It's something I've really struggled to realize, but it is also something I need to learn so I can express it to my future doms.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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That sounds like a trigger, what the dom said to you, or at least it was one in that instance - I am so sorry you went through that, I wish I could give you hugs. I absolutely hate disappointing people, and I am so vulnerable when I submit and my emotions are so near the surface, that if I feel I am not meeting someone's expectations or worse if I have specifically hurt/disappointed them, I plummet. I can very much identify with what you are saying, and I'm glad you put it into words so well because now you have my mind turning about a hundred things over...Posted 06-09-2015 at 06:42 PM by naughtylittlegirl 
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II would like to steal your blogspace just a teeny bit to explain 'punishment' from my point of view, though I dislike the word and prefer discipline. So many subbies are such little pleasers at heart that if they believe they have failed they beat themselves up far more effectively than I ever could or would want to. Whether you call it punishment or discipline, the reason for it, so far as I am concerned, is a physical manifestation of forgiveness. When you have taken your medicine, you know for sure you have been forgiven. I 'punish' you so you don't HAVE to punish yourself, and then we can move on without all the heartache.
I am very careful about the word punishment, because I am very aware of the esteem issues and the negative connotations it brings. I don't invent crimes to punish for, because of the potential for that to make someone feel like they have failed. If I want to whale on someone then I do it because that's what i want to do.Posted 06-10-2015 at 01:58 AM by AbusiveMaster
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That is a very interesting way of looking at it. Maybe I've never had a dom who has done it that way.Quote:Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster
II would like to steal your blogspace just a teeny bit to explain 'punishment' from my point of view, though I dislike the word and prefer discipline. So many subbies are such little pleasers at heart that if they believe they have failed they beat themselves up far more effectively than I ever could or would want to. Whether you call it punishment or discipline, the reason for it, so far as I am concerned, is a physical manifestation of forgiveness. When you have taken your medicine, you know for sure you have been forgiven. I 'punish' you so you don't HAVE to punish yourself, and then we can move on without all the heartache.
I am very careful about the word punishment, because I am very aware of the esteem issues and the negative connotations it brings. I don't invent crimes to punish for, because of the potential for that to make someone feel like they have failed. If I want to whale on someone then I do it because that's what i want to do.
The feeling I always have is that they are angry or disappointed or whatever, so they punish/discipline me to either put me back in my place or to teach me what not to do.
It's always come down to me beating myself while they are punishing me as well. But, although your thought seems ideal, I'm not too sure I would be able to trust that my dom's disciple/punishment is enough.
For me at least, I don't believe that if you had me, I don't know, spank myself 10 times for talking back, I wouldn't feel like that was enough and I would also be beating myself up for having to be disciplined.
It's an interesting mindset, but unfortunately, I haven't experienced it.Posted 06-10-2015 at 10:05 AM by techiegirl
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Even though it wasnt me that did it too you I cant resist giving you a big hug! *hugs* it sucks to have to go through something like that. I am lucky I have never had a girl cry unexpectedly with me. I did have one that I helped cry now and then as it sort of released all her stress and sort of broke the walls of everything she was holding back and was able to express it clearly. Sounds like this was an instance that needed to be instantly safeworded by you or the dom or even both if he could see your reaction.
I cant speak for everyone but personally im super hard on myself if I make a girl cry because shes sad. I hate it, especially because theres not a thing I can do usually to help her aside from be there and tell her its all going to be okay. Those are just words and they are only half as good as actually being able to hold her tight and say those words.Posted 06-10-2015 at 01:15 PM by Shadowice
