I don't know you but really felt for you reading this Matt.

I think a lot of the time we can fall into a routine of living to avoid suffering rather than living to be happy. I know that I distract myself with things in the same way you do, as a way of avoiding confronting the things in my life that are not as I would want them to be and having to fight to change them.

I don't know much about depression or aspergers so I'd struggle to help you with that, but I do understand how it feels to struggle to make friends and to spend a lot of time on my own, I'd say the last 3 years have been a really lonely period.

I can only give you some tips that I've tried to change things the last few months and hope that some of those are of help to you, they've helped me:

1. Daily exercise. I really underestimated how much of a difference this makes to lifting overall mood and motivation. Exercise is also a form of escape, like dares, but you leave the escape feeling more uplifted in yourself and the escape helps you build towards feeling better in yourself. I'd recommend lifting weights to build your confidence, and running to lift your mood. The runner's high is real.

2. I really really really suck at small talk. I have found one tip that has helped me from 'The Art of Happiness' by the Dalai Lama. There are some really interesting insights in there by the way, I'd recommend it, even if only one or two ideas work for you that's worth having. Anyway I now try and do two things when I'm speaking to someone knew. First, I start to understand the context of their life based on the little I know about them, and second I remind myself that we're the same. I start from the compassion that comes from recognising that they are the same as me. They have hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties and struggles. This has helped me a lot and I've found that while my small talk game is a little weak, I'm doing better moving onto big talk.

3. Understand the things you want to change in your life and confront them. I think you already understand the things you want to change and that's great. You need to decide to fight for those things, and you can do it. You can go change those things, I believe in you. Build a plan, and commit to doing 90% of the plan. We all miss bits of our plan, if you ask for 90% you can make mistakes and still feel right on track. You don't need a-levels and degree stuff to find a career. Look for professional training courses in careers you'd like to do, budget to save for them and work towards getting a job that you'll be content going to each day. Learn as much as you can about new career paths. Make use of free training courses online.

4. Lean on the people around you, including your parents, because changing your life involves taking a few shots from life. Two things happened to make a couple of months ago. My partner left me and my mum got diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer. I was in about the lowest place I've ever been. Your parents love you to bits Matt. Even if they're going through stuff themselves they still want to support you and be there for you and they always will. My parents did when I found the courage to come clean about where I was at.

I hope some of that helps. If know you don't know me, but if you want to chat, feel free to PM me. Also, if you want someone to help you work through a plan then happy to help with that too.

And Matt, when I read of your times with Sam, and how other girls around here like you, I think "he's one of those cool guys the girls liked in school. If he never had a girlfriend its because he always had a few chasing him and didnt need to pick." Serioulsy!

Matt, this is extremely well written and describes your feelings and situation very well. Take out a couple of the more personal references and maybe those about kinky activities, and it could be used to help explain aspergers to students in relevant fields. It is that good.

We all understand you better now. Please dont despair. There will be improvements. All I can say right now is ....

"Oh yeah, that was/is me....." I thought several times. Oh yeah. Only two big differences: that your situation goes on without breaks, and that books were my refuge, so i got a god education. But man I feel for you.

My own wondering about what love is, what caring is, is a bit too personal for me to think about very much. Even when losing a parent i wondered if i shouldnt be feeling something more. Oh my brain cared, sort of, I knew this was important, but did I really care? Did my "heart" care? Mysteries of life.

You are stuck in a few different spirals, and can rareIy get one on the rise to help digging out another. I will send you some of my experiences/lessons in breaking a few links in those invisible chains. Might help, might not, but some might appeal to you. (Not for a few weeks. I am travelling with little time of my own, and only mobile to work on.)

Matt, one step at a time. Know that there are people who care. Reach out when you need to...we cant slways see your struggle, so we dont know you need us to reach out. And find ways to reach out in your daily life. The smallest hand can mean so much.

I will keep rereading this blog because I want to help and because we have so many shared experiences.

Talk to your parents. They might understand more than you think. They probably DO realize that you are struggling, even if you don't think they do. Parents are pretty receptive and it would probably be a relief for them to have you open up to them. Even if they don't realize, I am sure they would be happy to have you come to them.

Does anybody really know what love is? It is one of those things that is so elusive and hard to explain that we can't even really describe it. Caring for Sam is more than enough!

Have you tried any kind of therapy or treatment for aspergers, depression or anxiety? There are so many things that might be able to help you. Talking to a doctor or the specialist who diagnosed you might be a good start.

The first step is being honest with yourself that there is a problem and that you are struggling, so this blog is amazing! Now you just have to be willing to share it with the right people who can help.

Ps. I am always available to chat if you need somebody to talk to.

Let me give you a virtual hug. You are very lovely, Matt!
I suppose that's why Sam chose you.

I also have my struggle with my depression. You have to find your own way since everybody is different. I easily connect with others but I have my troubles feeling connected. I asked myself if I had any real friends though from outside I had and still have. It just doesn't feel that way since I struggle to open up. Now I got some way along including crying a lot in a helpful way by wanting the bad things in my life to improve. It didn't change over night, I had to try out different things to find one which works (family stem therapy is my way now which works wonders for me), and it's still a long way ahead.

Thanks for sharing such an intimacy.

Don't try to define "love" or whatever. Don't even think about such things. Take the hugs. Give the hugs. Don't try to put a value on them. Don't second guess yourself. Don't try to understand yourself. Don't try to look behind the curtains. The fact is this: just like poets are notoriously bad at understanding their own poems, so people are almost completely incapable of understanding themselves.

(Want to know yourself? Ask a loved one.)

Take what is given. Make your hugs as warm as you can. The rest will take care of itself. I promise.

Signed: Speaking with some experience

That is impressive Matt, loved the pics and the video in the supermarket toilet, could really hear how busy it was!

Wow! I'm impressed. And I envy your bravery!

Good job. You went very far. I hope you enjoyed it.

Very brave man.
Well done.

I'm very proud of you Matt, I know this pushed you out of your comfort zone and was scary for you. But you did so well <3

Very brave Matt: good job!!!

I'm impressed Matt, very brave of you! And I know you're not keen on publicly posting pictures in lingerie

I loved the videos you sent me

got a chance to hear the recording you made in the shower just now, so couldn't comment on it earlier. I must say, your singing has improved a lot and the recording was quite good and clear too

Very interesting rule, requesting real commitment. I like it.

Hey great Matt:
I really enjoyed reading your final report.. was fun to see rule 2 work out so well with all the nervousness and vulnerabilities while bowling.. yes mistressclaire's punishment was effective and a good one though I am generally more lenient and sometimes let it go..lol.. Hope you enjoyed the rules.. You did well!!

Interesting update Matt:

I like how you place the word please in forum interactions..lol I ve given this rule to a couple of others too

Good to see how you are doing rule 5

For strip poker it's not fair that you wear only two things to strip, so you need to wear a pair of socks too from now on..

You could always keep the text please with html tags for font color copied in your phone clipboard

Don't know if it's annoying for you but I particularly enjoy the please rule whenever I see you post.. Look forward to hear how your week goes with these rules..