I want to struggle for someone

Honestly I came to wonder how people manage to enjoy themselves from getting dares from random people on the forums.

I tried to experiment a bit with that lately, especially in the light of the situation where I was about to lose my Dom, and then having him back but in a more limited way, leading me to look at other possibilities of achieving fun.

A lot of things I tried were still fun, I didn't mind the light pussy stretching thread that I made.

But whenever things actually entered the BDSM territory, whenever it started involving a certain level of pain or discomfort, I found that not having in mind the satisfaction of someone I'm attached to didn't help. I realized that human connection is really necessary for me at the least, to make it worth it.

I can't think "I want to please this stranger", the reality is I don't, and I'm sure that stranger doesn't care about my suffering either. So it feels like doing it just for the sake of doing it, it's not worth it.

Much like almost everything I had to learn since I started, I had to learn this the hard way. I'm still frustrated from taking part in a denial thread (only for 3 - 4 days, but with the teasing it's hard), I have a strong dislike for orgasm control things to begin with, I accidentally ruined orgasms instead of edging, I felt terrible, it was like all the bad sides of an orgasm without the good side, no satisfaction, just the sensitivity and feeling blank afterwards.

It's been days and I'm still feeling frustrated from it. When I was done with the denial, finally having an orgasm should have been the best thing, but instead I was too eager and didn't take my time to enjoy it, just wanted to make it happen. Following that I just felt like I wanted nothing to do with sexual things anymore, I'm still feeling drained.

All of this I couldn't integrate by telling myself I did it for anything else other than my own pleasure and curiosity, which apparently aren't worth the trouble for my mind.

I can't function that way, I can't get my pleasure from playing left and right with only my desires in mind. The exploring was worth it because now I know the value my role and why it matters to me.

I strive when being a Sub, obeying a specific someone, not requesting, not initiating, and not getting involved in random plays with people I don't have a desire to please.

When things get tough, knowing why I'm doing it, for whom, and how much they matter to me, is how I can integrate that bad experience (suffering from a task, dealing with consequences) and make it good.