Conflicted feelings

On Christmas day evening, I will be travelling back to Ontario to visit my family. I will be there for 2 weeks. I am both excited and dreading this trip. I have been struggling with a lot of anxiety surrounding it and I thought it might help to put it down here ...

Positive feelings
I am excited to see my mom, brother, cousin and best friend. I am really excited to be able to do some wedding activities with my best friend as she recently got engaged and I am finalizing some of my wedding details. I am happy to see everybody who will attend my bridal shower at the end of my trip. I am really looking forward to being there for my mom who has been struggling emotionally lately.

It will also be nice to have some time off work. Hopefully some time to relax and catch up on rest and sleep. I have been so busy recently that I barely get home before 9 pm most nights.

I am also very excited and happy that I get to spend part of the Christmas season with my family. Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year, and it doesn't feel the same without seeing my family.

Negative feelings
I am nervous about going back because my mom has recently moved in with her fiance. Everything will be different. It won't be MY house anymore, it is his. Also her fiance and I don't always get along very well so I'm anxious about that.

In general I don't look forward to the family drama that seems to always exist. I have been so happy here lately and a big part of that is the distance from those situations.

I am also going to really miss Asslvr. He isn't coming with me and it will be the first time we are away from each other for an extended period of time since I moved to be with him. We won't get to spend new years eve together either.

I'm afraid I'm going to miss home, because really this feels like my home now. My whole life is here now and I don't want to leave it for that long.

I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. I mean the tickets are booked and I want to be there to see everybody but there is this shadow of doubt cast on this trip and I can't shake the feeling.