My struggle with gender.

Sex is constructed biologically; gender is constructed socially. Here is where I stand on this issue. Use it to fuel your understanding of where I’m coming from for the rest of this post. I will also refer to the act of sex as ‘fucking’ in order to separate the biological construct with the act.


One thing I’ve struggled a lot with in recent years, just as much online as I have in real life, is the concept of ‘gendering’ fucking. Any phallus used to penetrate is invariably in the shape of a penis, and I know of many circles which refer to a male ass which is about to be/is being/has been penetrated as a ‘pussy’. In other words: Whoever is penetrating is the male and whoever is being penetrated is the female of that particular act.

Whether or not you’re male or female is therefore fluid. Whether or not you’re a man or a woman is not, unless you go through a lengthy process in which you change the parts of yourself which determine sex, but that’s by-the-by. At any given time a man can be a female and a woman can be male, so long as the criteria for male and female are being set. You cannot, therefore, have a ‘male female’ nor a ‘female male’, only ‘male women ’or a ‘female man’ as this would clash the social constructs together.

In a utopia there should be no problem with this, except we live in something far from a utopia. ‘Female’ and ‘Male’ are labels and with labels come certain homogenies and with those homogenies come positive and negative reinforcements about what it is to be ‘female’ or ‘male’. It would be interesting to record who thought that the second sentence in this paragraph didn’t read properly because I wrote ‘female and male’ instead of ‘male and female’. In this case, the first homogeny is that the male should always come first.

What does this mean? The male is better? Unfortunately, yes. Note again: this is not saying that men are better than women; but that society constructs males to be preferable to females. The male is stronger, both physically and mentally, more able, more intelligent and most importantly: dominant.

Yes, being dominant is male. So often submissive men label themselves as ‘sissy’ or ‘pussy’; their dick size is made into a joke, often referring to it as a ‘clitty’. In addition to this, they are usually portrayed as on their knees to a dominant who, invariably, is about to/is/has finished penetrating them with a phallus. The words submissive use to describe themselves are labels attached to females. In other words: males are dominant, females ae submissive.

This is where I struggle. I am a man, but I’ll withhold my gender for now. The media cram into us that men should be male at all times and nothing less. We should have all of the labels I mentioned above, as well as be well built (objects to be admired, rather than looked at, but that’s for a different post) and successful; but always, always most important is dominant. Men who submit to women in the media are, with some exceptions (there are ALWYS exceptions), weaker, confused, down on their luck and desperate. A man being female, therefore, is negative. There is almost an audible cry: ‘boy, you must never, ever be a girl’. It’s us and them. What it is to be male or female is created in otherness to each other; that being specifically designed to be the opposite. If you become them, you are no longer a part of us; and if you’re not us you’re fair game for shaming.

This is where I tell you my gender: I don’t know. Pure D/s relationships (notice how ‘dom’ always comes before ‘sub’), if anything, should provide the clearest difference between male and female. If anything, for me they only muddy the waters further. Where do I stand as a switch? The obvious argument is that my gender is a sliding scale from one time to another. It makes things easier to say ‘right now he’s a male when two days ago he was being female’. Bang bang. Just like that. Clear distinctions made and we don’t need to worry about it further. Except, I do.

Where does my scale come to rest? I’m clearly not male or female all the time, so there must be an average; and if so where does that average lie. What do you call me then? ‘A little bit male’? What does that even mean and why does it sound like an insult?

On top of this, I’m bisexual. What does this mean for me? Do I like male women or female men etc? Gender is a horrible way of defining what someone is, and a very easy way to establish a ‘norm’ rule for others to follow. We all know what society tries to do to people who aren’t ‘normal’. This means that I usually have to hide the times when I’m female and put on a male front.

I’ve roleplayed with guys who’ve insisted on me calling my ass a ‘pussy’. Why? Are they ashamed of involving themselves in homosexuality so much that they have to put up barriers in order to keep pretence of straightness? It appears impossible for a male and a male, or a female and a female, to fuck without having to change the gender of one, as the constructs simply cannot fit together.

My major struggle is the marriage of sex and gender. I am a man, and making me call my ass my ‘pussy’ makes me not a man. instead of changing my sex though, it changes my gender as a male cannot fuck another male in the eyes of society. So much for equality, right?

So if you want to know what gender I am, it’s whatever society says I am depending on what I am doing; it is not whatever I say I am.


Oh, and for the record, I have been fucked in the ass by a woman. I loved it, and did not feel like less of a man or so ashamed I had to imagine it as a pussy. It was just good fun.

P.s. If anyone wants to know why my profile says ‘male’ rather than ‘unknown’ it’s because of the stigma attached to the ‘unknown’ label. Despite what I may say I’m still afraid of stigmas, because there’s nothing more terrifying than society.