A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
My fear of public tasks
Posted 08-01-2017 at 07:43 PM by Butterfly
I had a revelation the other day, as I often do. You see, I am very self aware and I work hard at understanding myself. It frustrates me when I can't explain why I feel a certain away or why I do a certain thing. But it happens. I try not to beat myself up about it, and eventually the pieces come together and I figure it out.
The other day I was talking to Jaro about one of my current rolls on my Landing on 28 birthday task. It was edge in 3 different public places. When I first rolled the task, it didn't seem too hard. I edge relatively easily, although not quietly, so doing the edge wouldn't be too bad. It was more finding the best place to do them.
I had the first two figured out, but the third was hard. The only place I could think of was my car.
The problem with it being in the car is, it would need to be dark. I once did an edge in the dark, in my car and I ended up using my safeword. I was terrified. And so the thought of doing it again has left me very uneasy. Even knowing Asslvr would be with me, left me anxious.
You see, 4 years ago last week, I was attacked while getting into my car after a coffee "date" an online friend. He decided that I had been sending him "signals" that I wanted more than friendship. Apparently, I was asking for sex, even though I was currently in a relationship. Because of these "signals", he tried to force me into his car and pulled his pants down, trying to force me onto him. When I managed to escape, he berated me with phone calls and texts telling him that I led him on.
Logically I knew I didn't lead him on. But because of this, I am always extra careful not to give the wrong message.
So not only does being alone in my car in the dark scare me, but the thought of any public display of kink scares me.
If somebody can take my innocent actions and words and use them to create this fantasy of me wanting more, what will happen if somebody sees the word "playtoy" on my boob, or catches me moaning in the bathroom, or sees my dress fly up to reveal I'm not wearing panties.
I know that these things aren't an invitation, but there are people out there who might take them as such. And it scares me.
On top of that, there is so much vulnerability and unpredictability when you are in a public situation, and that is scary! Of course there are other reasons too, why public is a limit for me, but I think after lots of thought, it really does make sense that this attack has had such a profound effect on me.
Maybe it doesn't make sense to everybody, but it does to me, and I am happy to have been able to fit the pieces together, and understand myself a little better.
The other day I was talking to Jaro about one of my current rolls on my Landing on 28 birthday task. It was edge in 3 different public places. When I first rolled the task, it didn't seem too hard. I edge relatively easily, although not quietly, so doing the edge wouldn't be too bad. It was more finding the best place to do them.
I had the first two figured out, but the third was hard. The only place I could think of was my car.
The problem with it being in the car is, it would need to be dark. I once did an edge in the dark, in my car and I ended up using my safeword. I was terrified. And so the thought of doing it again has left me very uneasy. Even knowing Asslvr would be with me, left me anxious.
You see, 4 years ago last week, I was attacked while getting into my car after a coffee "date" an online friend. He decided that I had been sending him "signals" that I wanted more than friendship. Apparently, I was asking for sex, even though I was currently in a relationship. Because of these "signals", he tried to force me into his car and pulled his pants down, trying to force me onto him. When I managed to escape, he berated me with phone calls and texts telling him that I led him on.
Logically I knew I didn't lead him on. But because of this, I am always extra careful not to give the wrong message.
So not only does being alone in my car in the dark scare me, but the thought of any public display of kink scares me.
If somebody can take my innocent actions and words and use them to create this fantasy of me wanting more, what will happen if somebody sees the word "playtoy" on my boob, or catches me moaning in the bathroom, or sees my dress fly up to reveal I'm not wearing panties.
I know that these things aren't an invitation, but there are people out there who might take them as such. And it scares me.
On top of that, there is so much vulnerability and unpredictability when you are in a public situation, and that is scary! Of course there are other reasons too, why public is a limit for me, but I think after lots of thought, it really does make sense that this attack has had such a profound effect on me.
Maybe it doesn't make sense to everybody, but it does to me, and I am happy to have been able to fit the pieces together, and understand myself a little better.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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It makes a lot of sense. Especially given what happened to you in the past. I'm glad you have figured it out for yourself and don't feel bad or guilty about not wanting to do these things.Posted 08-01-2017 at 09:43 PM by Jaro 
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I can totally understand this, I still struggle with any intimate relationships with a guy many years after what happened to me, even though no real physical force was used. I have to feel totally in control and even then the slightest thing can make me panic and have to stop.
I think a lot of people can underestimate the effects of something that happened a while back, can still have on a person. I know some people seem to be able to deal with these things and not let it effect them too much, but I don't think it is unusual for it to have lasting effects.Posted 08-02-2017 at 12:46 AM by Sam~
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Sending hugs and warm thoughts. I am so sorry he did that to you, what a garbage person! I agree it's perfectly logical that this would have a lasting effect on you, and you have every right to set things up so you feel safe and actually enjoy the task (which I know everyone wants for you). So I hope you can find a way to make the task the most wonderful experience; kudos for giving yourself the time and attention to think these things through.Posted 08-02-2017 at 07:41 PM by naughtylittlegirl
