A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Run, run, as fast as you can ... part 1
Posted 06-17-2017 at 08:47 AM by Butterfly
Over the years I have developed a list of things to watch out for, red flags if you will. Signs that you should run away and not waste your time in a relationship. Most of these points are aimed at signs that might happen at the beginning of a relationship.
Of course not everybody who is rude or scary or a waste of tine will show one of these signs and it isn't foolproof, so if somebody shows one of these signs maybe they are a good person/sub/dom etc. But generally speaking, if you see one or more of these signs, be cautious, take precautions, or run away as fast as you can because it is most likely bad news.
1. They ask for pictures or videos but are unwilling to send any in return
You do not owe anybody photos or videos. Ever! The internet can be a scary place and you need to protect yourself. When you first meet somebody, it is normal to want to protect your identity. Both Doms and subs should be cautious when sharing photos, especially when they include your face. For some people, sending photos at all is a limit, and for others, not receiving photos is a limit. Both are perfectly find. However, if somebody is asking you to send photos or videos of yourself, they should be willing to do the same. If you offer to send a video or photo and they accept, but are not willing to share, that is ok, you offered. However, if they are pressuring to send a photo or video, and aren't willing to share, that is not fair.
2. They ask for money, passwords etc.
I know that you can find people who will be your Dom or your Sub if you pay them. However, paying for services is something that is banned on this site. If somebody you met on getDare is asking you for money, you should report them. Furthermore, if anybody is asking you for money in exchange for services, it means they do not want a genuine long term relationship with you. All they want is a business transaction (of course there may be a few exceptions, but in general this is the case).
When it comes to passwords this is something that can be worked up to. Although we do not recommend that you share your getDare password with anybody, even I know my husbands and will go onto his account at times. It happens. The problem is when it happens before trust is formed. If you meet somebody today, and tomorrow they ask you for your password, that is a red flag.
As for teamviewer/control your screen type stuff, I know this is a kink that a lot of people enjoy, however, if somebody is pressuring you to do this on day one, without building up trust or getting to know you, you do not have to say yes. If somebody has free reign on your computer, they can get into a lot of stuff. Worse case scenario, they could lock you out of your own computer, or use your personal information/photos against you. When you are engaging in this type of play, make sure that YOU feel comfortable and are not being pressured into anything.
3. Feelings rushed.
When I start a relationship with a play partner, either a sub or a dom, there is a list of things that I expect to discuss. There is obviously the basic things such as time zone, age, sex, experience, list of toys, etc. But then there is the next level. It can be the "boring" stuff. The administrative type things. Things that are very important. These are things such as likes. loves. limits. Discussing views on punishments. Talking about any kind of triggers you may have. And very importantly, discussing a safeword.
If your potential play partner does not take time to discuss these things, it could be a red flag. Maybe it is due to inexperience, or maybe they just want to get off, either way it is important to start communicating right from the beginning.
These things can be discussed as you go as well, as long as neither partner ever feels rushed. Both partners need to feel free to ask questions and discuss anything that they feel is important.
4. They expect you to have no limits from day one
Again, there are no limit relationships, and they work for some people. Usually the people who are happy with that type of relationship have either been in a relationship for a long time and have built trust slowly with each other and they know each other very well. The other people who are "happy" with this type of arrangement are faking it. (Again there may be a few exceptions, but overall I feel that statement is pretty accurate).
One of the first things you should talk to a potential play partner about, is limits. Everybody has limits. Maybe you don't know what your limits are or maybe you just have basic limits (ie. no blood, no animals or family, etc). Limits are limits for a reason, and you should never feel pressured to break any of your limits. If you give your partner a list of limits and they are constantly pressuring you to break one, run! If they are threatening punishment if you do not break a limit, run! If you are in the middle of play and realize that there is something that is a limit that you weren't aware of, and they get mad or punish you, RUN!!!!
The people who enter into a no limit relationships still have personal limits, the difference is, they trust their partner to keep them safe, mentally, physically and emotionally. Their partner may push their limits or ask them to break their limits at times, but they know their partners response and thoughts and the two partners communicate 100%. This is not something you can do on day one, or even week one. You need to build up that trust and rapport with your partner. The most important part about these type of relationships is that the person giving up their limits consented. They were not coerced or forced or threatened into giving up their limits, they freely put that trust into their partner.
5. Not being given the option of a safeword.
I am a big believer in using a safeword. I know some people don't agree, but I think it is especially important when you are first starting to play with somebody new. It is important to have a word that will let your partner know that things are not ok. I believe that every sub should at least be offered one. It should be discussed. If you agree that it is not needed, then that is ok. But if it is not offered, or discussed, to me this is a sign of inexperience, carelessness or rushing into things.
6. They give you ultimatums.
It is one thing to be punished for not following rules that have been agreed to by both parties. It is another to receive ultimatums. An ultimatum is a desperate last resort ... "If you don't do x, then we are done" ...
Ultimatums are designed to make you feel trapped. You should never feel trapped in a D/s relationships. Both parties have consented and agreed to be a part of the relationship. You both WANT to be there. If you feel coerced, then it is no longer consensual and that is not ok!.
7. They are setting you up for failure.
This one is aimed mostly towards subs. I think most subs can agree that the one thing we want more than anything, is to please our Dom. It is just who we are. We want to be told we are a "good girl/boy" or that they are proud of us. We want to make them happy. If we do not do this, we feel like failures. This becomes a problem when a Dom will set you up for failure so that they can punish you.
A challenging task is welcome, there may be a real possibility that you will fail, and that can be part of the fun. However, there is a big difference between challenging and impossible. If every single task you do is impossible, then it takes all the fun out of it. You will never succeed, you will never be able to get rewarded, you will just be continuously punished, and that can break a sub's spirit.
Continued here ...
Of course not everybody who is rude or scary or a waste of tine will show one of these signs and it isn't foolproof, so if somebody shows one of these signs maybe they are a good person/sub/dom etc. But generally speaking, if you see one or more of these signs, be cautious, take precautions, or run away as fast as you can because it is most likely bad news.
1. They ask for pictures or videos but are unwilling to send any in return
You do not owe anybody photos or videos. Ever! The internet can be a scary place and you need to protect yourself. When you first meet somebody, it is normal to want to protect your identity. Both Doms and subs should be cautious when sharing photos, especially when they include your face. For some people, sending photos at all is a limit, and for others, not receiving photos is a limit. Both are perfectly find. However, if somebody is asking you to send photos or videos of yourself, they should be willing to do the same. If you offer to send a video or photo and they accept, but are not willing to share, that is ok, you offered. However, if they are pressuring to send a photo or video, and aren't willing to share, that is not fair.
2. They ask for money, passwords etc.
I know that you can find people who will be your Dom or your Sub if you pay them. However, paying for services is something that is banned on this site. If somebody you met on getDare is asking you for money, you should report them. Furthermore, if anybody is asking you for money in exchange for services, it means they do not want a genuine long term relationship with you. All they want is a business transaction (of course there may be a few exceptions, but in general this is the case).
When it comes to passwords this is something that can be worked up to. Although we do not recommend that you share your getDare password with anybody, even I know my husbands and will go onto his account at times. It happens. The problem is when it happens before trust is formed. If you meet somebody today, and tomorrow they ask you for your password, that is a red flag.
As for teamviewer/control your screen type stuff, I know this is a kink that a lot of people enjoy, however, if somebody is pressuring you to do this on day one, without building up trust or getting to know you, you do not have to say yes. If somebody has free reign on your computer, they can get into a lot of stuff. Worse case scenario, they could lock you out of your own computer, or use your personal information/photos against you. When you are engaging in this type of play, make sure that YOU feel comfortable and are not being pressured into anything.
3. Feelings rushed.
When I start a relationship with a play partner, either a sub or a dom, there is a list of things that I expect to discuss. There is obviously the basic things such as time zone, age, sex, experience, list of toys, etc. But then there is the next level. It can be the "boring" stuff. The administrative type things. Things that are very important. These are things such as likes. loves. limits. Discussing views on punishments. Talking about any kind of triggers you may have. And very importantly, discussing a safeword.
If your potential play partner does not take time to discuss these things, it could be a red flag. Maybe it is due to inexperience, or maybe they just want to get off, either way it is important to start communicating right from the beginning.
These things can be discussed as you go as well, as long as neither partner ever feels rushed. Both partners need to feel free to ask questions and discuss anything that they feel is important.
4. They expect you to have no limits from day one
Again, there are no limit relationships, and they work for some people. Usually the people who are happy with that type of relationship have either been in a relationship for a long time and have built trust slowly with each other and they know each other very well. The other people who are "happy" with this type of arrangement are faking it. (Again there may be a few exceptions, but overall I feel that statement is pretty accurate).
One of the first things you should talk to a potential play partner about, is limits. Everybody has limits. Maybe you don't know what your limits are or maybe you just have basic limits (ie. no blood, no animals or family, etc). Limits are limits for a reason, and you should never feel pressured to break any of your limits. If you give your partner a list of limits and they are constantly pressuring you to break one, run! If they are threatening punishment if you do not break a limit, run! If you are in the middle of play and realize that there is something that is a limit that you weren't aware of, and they get mad or punish you, RUN!!!!
The people who enter into a no limit relationships still have personal limits, the difference is, they trust their partner to keep them safe, mentally, physically and emotionally. Their partner may push their limits or ask them to break their limits at times, but they know their partners response and thoughts and the two partners communicate 100%. This is not something you can do on day one, or even week one. You need to build up that trust and rapport with your partner. The most important part about these type of relationships is that the person giving up their limits consented. They were not coerced or forced or threatened into giving up their limits, they freely put that trust into their partner.
5. Not being given the option of a safeword.
I am a big believer in using a safeword. I know some people don't agree, but I think it is especially important when you are first starting to play with somebody new. It is important to have a word that will let your partner know that things are not ok. I believe that every sub should at least be offered one. It should be discussed. If you agree that it is not needed, then that is ok. But if it is not offered, or discussed, to me this is a sign of inexperience, carelessness or rushing into things.
6. They give you ultimatums.
It is one thing to be punished for not following rules that have been agreed to by both parties. It is another to receive ultimatums. An ultimatum is a desperate last resort ... "If you don't do x, then we are done" ...
Ultimatums are designed to make you feel trapped. You should never feel trapped in a D/s relationships. Both parties have consented and agreed to be a part of the relationship. You both WANT to be there. If you feel coerced, then it is no longer consensual and that is not ok!.
7. They are setting you up for failure.
This one is aimed mostly towards subs. I think most subs can agree that the one thing we want more than anything, is to please our Dom. It is just who we are. We want to be told we are a "good girl/boy" or that they are proud of us. We want to make them happy. If we do not do this, we feel like failures. This becomes a problem when a Dom will set you up for failure so that they can punish you.
A challenging task is welcome, there may be a real possibility that you will fail, and that can be part of the fun. However, there is a big difference between challenging and impossible. If every single task you do is impossible, then it takes all the fun out of it. You will never succeed, you will never be able to get rewarded, you will just be continuously punished, and that can break a sub's spirit.
Continued here ...
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