A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Heartbreak
Posted 05-21-2022 at 12:42 PM by Butterfly
I have struggled to write this blog for over a week now. I am still numb but also very deeply hurt. After 2.5 years, Gerbil.boy and I are no longer together.
I don't regret loving him. I don't hate him. I don't think I ever could. But knowing that I had invested more in the relationship than he ever could, and that the decision to walk away from me seemed to come so easily to him ... it hurts.
I wouldn't change the fact that I gave my heart to him. It's what I do. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love and care deeply. That is why this hurts so much. I was in love with him. Not just as my sub, but as a person, as a partner. I loved him deeply. My heart aches knowing that he does not feel the same.
But I have learned some valuable lessons along the way, which I guess is what this is all about: growing and learning.
I have learned that, no matter what the power dynamic is, mutual emotional support is important. I have to be able to be vulnerable and lean on my partner for support when I am having a shitty day. I should be able to vent to them, cry to them, and just generally know they are there for me. And they will get the same in return from me. I want a symbiotic relationship. We are stronger together.
Whether the relationship is just a friendship or there is romantic love involved, the partnership comes before the kink. Always. I do not want just a kink based relationship. I want and need more than that.
My heart is going to take some time to heal, but I am going to be ok. The past 2.5 years haven't been a waste. I have grown as a Domme and been a part of watching my slave grow and heal. I am glad that I was able to take part in that. I am proud of him for that. I am proud that he was able to make the decision to walk away from this relationship if it was something that wasn't fulfilling him, even if the way he did it was hurtful to me. I don't think he would have been able to do that two years ago.
I wish him the best, and I hope that one day we can be friends. Right now it is just too painful. My heart is just too tender. I am so thankful for my partners and friends in my life who have given me the space that I have needed to process this, and who have been there with open arms to hold me, to listen and to just support me through this loss. You know who you are, and I love you and appreciate each one of you.
I don't regret loving him. I don't hate him. I don't think I ever could. But knowing that I had invested more in the relationship than he ever could, and that the decision to walk away from me seemed to come so easily to him ... it hurts.
I wouldn't change the fact that I gave my heart to him. It's what I do. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love and care deeply. That is why this hurts so much. I was in love with him. Not just as my sub, but as a person, as a partner. I loved him deeply. My heart aches knowing that he does not feel the same.
But I have learned some valuable lessons along the way, which I guess is what this is all about: growing and learning.
I have learned that, no matter what the power dynamic is, mutual emotional support is important. I have to be able to be vulnerable and lean on my partner for support when I am having a shitty day. I should be able to vent to them, cry to them, and just generally know they are there for me. And they will get the same in return from me. I want a symbiotic relationship. We are stronger together.
Whether the relationship is just a friendship or there is romantic love involved, the partnership comes before the kink. Always. I do not want just a kink based relationship. I want and need more than that.
My heart is going to take some time to heal, but I am going to be ok. The past 2.5 years haven't been a waste. I have grown as a Domme and been a part of watching my slave grow and heal. I am glad that I was able to take part in that. I am proud of him for that. I am proud that he was able to make the decision to walk away from this relationship if it was something that wasn't fulfilling him, even if the way he did it was hurtful to me. I don't think he would have been able to do that two years ago.
I wish him the best, and I hope that one day we can be friends. Right now it is just too painful. My heart is just too tender. I am so thankful for my partners and friends in my life who have given me the space that I have needed to process this, and who have been there with open arms to hold me, to listen and to just support me through this loss. You know who you are, and I love you and appreciate each one of you.
Total Comments 11
Comments
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Posted 05-21-2022 at 01:32 PM by bluedieblub -
Posted 05-21-2022 at 04:55 PM by Andrew 25:17 -
Posted 05-21-2022 at 11:54 PM by Foxy Rose -
Posted 05-22-2022 at 01:50 AM by Jaro -
Although I know this hit you very, very hard ... this is the kind of connection that all D/s relationships should have ... yes ... power exchanges are great ... but the exchange of such a deep love and emotional support is so much more than anything BDSM can provide ... and that is a connection worth investing in.
I have only been there a few times ... and it is heart-breaking to watch a connection that your love had built over time, crumble down. I hope your heart and soul recover soon.Posted 05-22-2022 at 03:04 AM by FrostbittenSoul -
Posted 05-22-2022 at 03:54 AM by b69 -
Posted 05-22-2022 at 04:42 AM by Cstelle -
Posted 05-22-2022 at 05:50 AM by owlart -
Quote:
Posted 05-22-2022 at 09:25 AM by Butterfly -
Posted 05-22-2022 at 09:26 AM by Butterfly -
Posted 05-27-2022 at 08:16 PM by Dman1212