Thank you for writing this blog Goddess. I really love to read from the Dom perspective.

Yes the task was very nasty but I'm glad you are not sorry for giving it to me. It's what happens when people experiment. Things can always go wrong.

But like Einstein said: "anyone who never made a mistake never tried anything new".

And I really love to continue trying new things and experiment, even if it sometimes doesn't work out the way we planned.

Well,
In my opinion (that may differ from yours),
Dom(me)s are just as human as everybody, but by choosing and having given the power over their sub/pet they have gotten a significantly higher responsibility.
That doesn’t make them better persons, but it obliges them to behave to higher standards.
One of them being, as I did read to be the thought behind this blog, to feel responsible for making a mistake and “be there” when the sub/pet has a hard time as result of taking the consequence of that mistake.

It is true that as a Dom/me you have a lot of power and your mistakes affect your sub, but the same can be true for most mistakes that you make in your life. Your actions always have consequences to those around you.

Making mistakes is going to happen, Dom/me's shouldn't be held to a higher standard than other people. I think it is important for Dom/mes to feel as though they are allowed to make mistakes, or else when they do, they won't feel as though they can admit it. It is that type of thinking that creates the "domly dom" idiots who don't own up to their mistakes.

Of course, there is something different to be said if you are making mistakes ALL THE TIME! That is a sign you need to do things differently.

It’s true. Dom(me)s make mistakes. And they need to admit. I also made a mistake once, you find it in my blog. The real sad thing is that if a dom(me) makes a mistake, the sub or pet suffers from it.
At the same time that is part of the pleasure of domming. Fully aware of the power at hand. Fully aware that the sub or pet will suffer from his/her mistakes. Responsibility and power.
Dom(me)s make mistakes but they shall make sure it happens only very very seldom. Personally I rather play save. When in doubt I always choose a careful approach (people may not understand when reading my pets blogs but it is true). Life is long. There is always a next opportunity to step-up.
Still.. dom(me)s are human. Mistakes happen.

It takes real strength of character to be able to admit that you screwed up. But the thing is, nobody is perfect. We are all going to screw up at one time or another.

I see it all the time at work even. People like to pass blame or cover up their mistakes with excuses.

If you screwed up, the best thing to do is admit it and learn from it. And that goes for Dom/mes as well.

I am really glad we assigned that task to Jaro, even if it didn't turn out how we wanted, because now we know more about the limits with regards to that kink. Next time we will be able to tailor things in a way that suit us all better.

I am SO proud of Jaro for continuing with the task despite how it made him feel and I am SO proud of Jaro for telling us his true feelings about how it made him feel. But I am also SO proud of you for not beating yourself up about giving him that task and instead learning from it and moving on together. That just proves how amazing you are!!

I think there is a big difference between what Icey is referring to as dumbinants and general new people to the site/lifestyle.

Maybe Icey should have made the distinction that all of the things in her list were directed at people who have been around a bit and still do the things that she lists. But I do think most of the things here would be considered common courtesy if a person were to attend a BDSM event or interact with people in a real life situation. Being online does not excuse people from behaving and treating others decently.

I agree that the D/s community should be inclusive. However, those people who mistreat others should be reprimanded and told that it is not ok. Especially because there are a lot of newbies, who may have read books like 50 shades or learned about BDSM from porn videos. They may not realize that they can still be treated like a human, that they still have a voice, and they don't need to take everything from everybody just because they are a sub.

Iceys blog was obviously written out of frustration and maybe that did cause her to leave out a few important disclaimers, but it is her personal blog and she is entitled to have a chance to rant as much as needed. Any new comer who reads, should take ANYTHING they read with a grain of salt. Taking a look at any of Icey's other blog posts, you would see that the tone is not discriminatory or judgey.

It is true that D/s can be done in many different ways, and all are correct, except for when it lends itself to abuse or violating consent. Icey is a huge advocate for doing things whatever way works for you and your partner, but you also need to be aware of when BDSM turns to abuse. And this line is blurred a lot in books and media at times.

I think this is a great blog for newbies to read. It is an honest, emotional account of how a sub feels. Yes, it may have been caused by frustration, but it is still real! These are the things that online subs face.

Speaking of 50 shades ... I have read it. And while I do not agree with a lot of it, I do think it has worked wonders to help people be more open to experimentation which is a good thing. However, it does also give the wrong image of what a D/s or M/s relationship should be. If somebody comes here, after reading that book, and wants to replicate it, they are not going to get very far, so I think that Icey, while maybe being a bit harsh, was blunt and truthful. It is a good place to start, but it is not the way things should be handled. There are many more sources available to learn from, and if they aren't willing to learn, I agree that they should just go away forever.

Last, I wanted to mention point number #7. There are ALWAYS risks to every task that you complete. There are risks to everything. Nobody can foresee or prevent every possible harm that could happen. However, I have seen people be assigned tasks like "Go to a bar and drink until you are ready to pass and then find a stranger to take you home" ... would you want your sister to do something like that? How is that even remotely safe? Any person who has any sense of the world we live in, should know that there are major safety concerns with that task. Or things like "shove this knife in your ass" ... the things that make you want to bang your head against the wall.

Nobody is going to be aware of all risks, but asking for OBVIOUSLY unsafe things, is a way to be dumbinant. Even a newbie should be aware of risks from alcohol poisoning, rape, and being stabbed. I really don't think that is too much to ask.

Everyone.

Being called names, spammed messages, profile stalking, and more comes from people who are on the site 2 minutes and years. But it is not newbie mistakes. The way I have been talked to in pm messages, I would slap the people in real life. If you wouldn't talk that way to your friends, why does a more sexual website change that.

Do you get the messages spamming you every day? Do you get the messages clogging up your inbox so you can't see messages from friends or have to sort through messages from people who actually want to talk ot actually want to know you? If you do, then I am surprised you don't understand. If you don't then don't pretend to know the area of frustration this blog comes out of. I do not get nearly the amount of messages and comments people like IceMaiden, Butterfly and more do, but the little I get makes me want to leave the site.

So believe it or not, yes a lot of these things are called being a decent person.

I'll give you one arguement. I see the dangerous task thing can be directed at new people. Often they are the people wanting to live out a fantasy and see if it can be rl. I'll give you that and yes some of these people are new.

But the bottom line is this, be a decent human being who knows how to talk to people. Your own message sounds like an attack. You haven't been bothered to read her other blogs and you pick on the one you didn't like. So yes you are making assumptions about IceMaiden who I know is an amazing person who loves the people who are nice to her.

End of story, females (and males) get a lot of unwanted solicitation. If you don't experience it, you won't understand how true all the things Icey is saying.

Hi.

Me here.

I see lots of hostility in the comments. So, just wanted to leave a comment that involves absolutely no hostility.

Thank you for providing your perspective. Everyone has their own opinions. One of the awesome things about getDare is that we are all free to voice our opinions. Often it can spur dialogue. And dialogue is cool.

So... HI! Happy Sunday. We should all go out for ice cream some day. Albeit, since we all live in separate locations, it will be separately. But ice cream is awesome, no matter where you live. :-)

It looks like you took this as a personal attack on who you actually are, I don't know you and haven't read any of the other 100+ blogs you just mentioned you've posted and this wasn't a criticism of who you come across as in those other blogs or who you actually are. This was a criticism of what you wrote in this post and how you come across in this post and no others. You can tell when this happens when the message is posted as a comment to only this post and not as a visitor message AND by the fact that it doesn't reference anything you've said or done outside of writing this post. I don't know you, I just know what you wrote in this isolated post.
It might have intended to be directed at those kinds of people, but you failed to mention or even imply that in the actual post. I criticized you for what you actually wrote, and I don't see any mentions of doms being abusive in the original #9 point, what you actually wrote instead is a statement about what what you suggest doesn't qualify as real "D/s": 50 shades.
If you are talking to a friend and they say they felt inspired by "Fight Club" do you assume they've been inspired to become terrorists ? By your logic you should since terrorism is a key point in the book which means everyone who was inspired by the story MUST become a terrorist. Of course what the book truly means for people is a very different thing, and in the same way almost everyone who was inspired to explore D/s by 50 shades didn't come to getDare because they think it's a good place to try out "Emotional abuse, physical abuse, stalking and rape" but most of them came because they were turned on by the scenes that contained bondage and impact play; I've had a few D/s scenes in the book described to me and none of them included rape or stalking or non-consentual abuse, I'm not saying those scenes don't exist somewhere in there, I'm saying your gross generalization on point 9 tells everyone who was inspired by ANYTHING in the book to leave forever too, and that's an extremely closed-minded reaction to some shitty book you don't like. (I'm definitely not a fan of it either, but I can see parts in it that can attract people to it, and they sure as hell aren't the rape parts)


Do you think spamming random people with "Hey u wanna be my sub" is something an experienced dom does ? Or is it something you'd expect mostly from newbies ?


What about "hi slut, kik me, do this for me, send me pics," ? You see experienced doms doing that ? Most newbies will realize this approach doesn't actually work so they either improve or leave, you can't become an experienced dom with messages like that because you can't become experienced by playing with your dick while you send stupid messages that never get answered.


Another example is #7 :

You say the dom knows the task is "obviously dangerous", however at the same time the submissive fails to "realize the danger". You understand that this means the task couldn't have been "obviously dangerous" otherwise the submissive would have recognized the danger? The task in question was - Unexpectedly Dangerous - . And this is exactly the kind of mistake that people new to D/s who don't have the medical background required to understand how blood circulation works or how infections can happen inside the vaginal cavity make. When these newbies say stupid things like "Clamp ur nipples 6 hours" or "plug a [food item] inside ur cunt overnight" they DON'T see what they're saying as "OBVIOUSLY DANGEROUS" because if you don't know about D/s AND you don't know about how blood circulation works when a part is restricted for example (which most people outside D/s and the medical community do NOT know) then it's a mistake many will easily make that to YOU (and all other experienced D/s people) seems obvious but to a newbie it definitely is NOT obvious.


From your response on my comment it is clear to me I was wrong about what you were actually were thinking when you wrote the post however reading only the blog post itself (the only thing on which I based my criticism) I think it should now be clear to you why the blog post felt aimed at newbies and suggested they leave forever and why I was bothered by that sentiment.

While it is, of course, obvious that I would defend IceMaiden, it is not always the case that I agree with her - furthermore, in my experience, she needs little defending. However I do have a few problems with this comment that I would like to address.

So early in, and already we have two problems. Tsk tsk. Tackling the second first - at no point was "asshole fishing for nudes" mentioned in the original blog. "Dumbinant" is the term used by IceMaiden, and a few others, to refer to pseudo-Dominants who do not have a base understanding of BDSM, jumping in with both feet with little knowledge and less desire to learn. These people are at best irritating and at worst potentially dangerous. Unchecked they present real risks to phyiscal and mental health, and to socially destroy a submissive not equipped with adequate bullshit detection.

The first of the two issues - half of the points raised are signs of someone being new.

Quote:

#1 Don't call all subs/slaves whores, bitches, sluts etc...

I would think that this was self evident. A general lack of respect, and the assumption that all submissives are, or respond well to, such names is not a sign of being new, it is instead an indication of being clueless.

Quote:

#2 Don't spam PM's with the awful "Hey u wanna be my sub" type messages...

As above, this is not a sign of inexperience. Any relationship is founded on shared interests and goals, a bond formed over time, etc etc. Expecting anyone to submit to you when they do not know you or you them is frankly stupid.

Quote:

#3 Don't assume you can take more than what has been offered...

It could be argued, I suppose, that this is a sign of being new. However, D/s is a negotiated relationship and submissives have their limits for very good reasons. People offer what they are willing to give, and attempting to push past this is so obviously dickish that inexperience doesnt excuse it.

Quote:

#4 Don't reply to the ads searching for a dom/me with "hi slut, kik me, do this for me, send me pics," type of responses.

Assumption that one is God's gift and somehow entitled to anything from anyone without conversation and consent is again not a sign of being new - though this is covered mostly by point 2.

Quote:

#5 Don't assume all subs are the same and treat them as such.

We are now past the halfway point, and I am still waiting for one of these to be applicable to a "newbie" rather than a moron.

Quote:

#6 Don't start a message with "I read your profile and..." when it is clear you didn't!

Alas, this is not exclusive to pseudo-Dominants. The internet is full of these poor people. That said - newbie or doofus? I will leave that decision to you (so long as you pick the second option, obviously.)

Quote:

#7 Don't give a sub a task that is obviously dangerous.

The key word here is obviously. There are risks involved in BDSM, but SSC and RACK both aim to control and minimise these risks. I will happily admit that a learner will have to research what I mean by SSC and RACK - however, telling someone to do something obviously dangerous is stupid to the point of, well, dangerous.

Quote:

#8 Don't assume that because someone identifies as a submissive or slave that you automatically have authority over them.

The same way as assuming that every gay/straight/whatever person wants you because of your gender... nope, not newbie.

And so we have 8/9 points which are decidedly not newbie mistakes. Unless mathematics has changed significantly in the twenty five years since I left school, this doesnt come close to being half. But moving on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

I opened this up because I expected it would be a funny post or something and instead I found a cold-hearted, bitter rant against people who are new to D/s.

"To assume is to make an ass of u and me."

But cold-hearted? Even if you were to accept bitter as true - which I personally don't - this is obviously an empassioned blog. Therefore hot-blooded would surely be much more appropriate than cold-hearted, no?

As for bitter - I think it safe to say that there is a certain weariness that could pass for bitterness - that comes naturally when continually subjected to the trivialities of the mindless, or watching ones friends and peers undergo the same treatment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

I'm not saying you have any responsiblity to help any newcomer who messages you but I am saying that this is the complete opposite of the attitude the D/s community should have.

Nope. The D/s community should not be all inclusive. There are ample opportunities online and within the "real world" for people to arm themselves with knowledge BEFORE they jump in with both feet and fists swinging. It is the responsibility of anyone involved in D/s to either educate or eradicate people who fall into the above categories as it is people like these, above all else who are the cause of

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

constantly misrepresented in the media which results in people checking it out thinking it's different than it actually is.

But to move on again - SO MANY issues, oh dearie me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

And do you realize how ignorant it is to complain about 50 shades when talking about doms ? The book's target demographic is potential female submissives, not doms

And do you realise how ignorant it is to imagine or assume one can seperate the two? How ignorant it is to presume that the target demographic is going to look at the two dimensinal portrayal of Christian Grey and hold that up as a shining example of what it is to be a Dominant? How ignorant it is to call someone ignorant and immedieately follow with

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

I've never read the book myself but

when the very definition of ignorance is forming and espousing opinions on which you have no knowledge or understanding?

I HAVE read the book - well, the first one anyway. My personal opinion is that it is badly written claptrap penned by an avid authoress of "Twilight" fan-fiction who didn't bother to change the characters or characteristics of the lead characters from her previous works - but instead slotted them into a new setting. Her portrayal of D/s was wrong and abusive. The relationships she wrote about were fucked up and unhealthy and dangerous.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

The other about half of the points are perfectly valid and signs of low-effort teenagers fishing for nudes and I 100% agree with you on them, maybe you should have focused more on that.

The other 6% (I did the maths) of your argumemts are vaild. Perhaps you should have focussed more on those.

Good news! I pass all these, I am definitely not a dumbinant

You are aware that about half of the things you describe are actually signs of someone being a newbie rather than an asshole fishing for nudes, right ?

I opened this up because I expected it would be a funny post or something and instead I found a cold-hearted, bitter rant against people who are new to D/s. Your message to people who are new and don't know what they're doing yet is, and I quote: "Don't think D/s is 50 shades. If you think that there's no help anyone can give you, so go away now. Forever." ... D/s is supposed to be much more inclusive to newcomers, it's a transformative experience, not everyone starts out knowing all there is to know about it and it's constantly misrepresented in the media which results in people checking it out thinking it's different than it actually is.

I'm not saying you have any responsiblity to help any newcomer who messages you but I am saying that this is the complete opposite of the attitude the D/s community should have.

And do you realize how ignorant it is to complain about 50 shades when talking about doms ? The book's target demographic is potential female submissives, not doms. I've never read the book myself but I've had a sub before who's only experience with this world was through that book and although she didn't know anything else when she started she's pretty great now and I'm really glad the first message she read on this site wasn't you telling her "Don't think D/s is 50 shades. If you think that there's no help anyone can give you, so go away now. Forever."

For some people D/s actually IS different than it is for you, you don't get to decide something isn't "REAL D/s" just because it's not something you personally enjoy.

And this isn't a Doms vs subs thing, I'd be saying the same thing if I'd have read a post about "submidiots". This is the worst most bitter attitude I have heard against newbies.

The other about half of the points are perfectly valid and signs of low-effort teenagers fishing for nudes and I 100% agree with you on them, maybe you should have focused more on that.

^---- what she said about the blogs.

I completely understand the awkward feeling. I have such a hard time accepting gifts or help. But it does make me feel special. It has become so much easier with Mr. D. Now I actually beg him to buy me certain things.

I love your unicorn cup and coloring book. Now I want one!

I also want to try that paddle. Please let me know how it goes.

I love reading about all the hard, limit pushing things that you and AM do, but I love reading these blogs even more. They are so sweet and really do show how much you two love each other. You deserve to be spoiled!

I hope that you found the experience to be rewarding!

Haha then happy current birthday!!

Happy birthday!!

it's not belated yeeeet

Aww happy birthday.

Don't worry, I made a new cake . No promises it's edible, though.